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ramblings of a work-from-home shut-in.
plushie playing proseka
just realized i can't even change my username/url because all my linkbacks to previous thoughts would break since past thoughts can't be edited, only deleted :<
dio, who is by the way canonically a lawyer, would fit right in the ace attorney universe
yes, i would prefer to be invisible, for the general public to have no idea what i am, than to be the subject of a national debate
trying to decide whether or not i should recolor this thoughts page to resemble my tumblr (◕ᴗ◕ )
maybe there's something the imitation did that the original didn't. even by pure circumstance, the imitator may have had a personal sensibility the creator didn't because they were from a different time, but a listener in the present would have because they were from the same time
i would never recommend corporal punishment to any parent, in fact i abhor the practice when used on other people, but i have to admit it REALLY worked on me. i used to be a good child when they used the belt
guuuuh i'm still fucking reeling over the revelation that g-s--- of all people likes --r--- 😭💕
to prepare for the stone ocean anime, i will of course have to reread the manga so i can spot the differences more finely 🥰
it feels like i never truly feel full or clean and i can only ever stave off hunger and filth for a little bit until i have to do it all over again. it feels like i can only continue staving them off till the day i die
i used to go to truly great lengths to prevent my mother picking fights with people. now i wonder why i ever bothered
2019 was also a crazy year but it gets completely disqualified due to how 2020 turned out
now that i think about it almost all the even number years were crazy. 2016, 2018, 2008, 2014, 2012, 2020
most days i have to find the motivation to feed myself. not exactly good revolutionary material
worldview update: i am so far to the opposite end of agitation that i am invisible
worldview update: i've gotten a little taste of what it's like not to be destitute so now i keep my head down b/c i'm afraid of losing what little i have
agreed, darling in the franxx is what happens if you kidnap a bunch of a-1 people and tell them to recreate a gainax show from memory
renewed dysphoria and misery after several months of amenorrhea, AS GOD INTENDED!
ghosts, you say? is this world so wonderful that the dead would cling to it?
bad contrast is tolerable if i can highlight the text and they haven't messed with the colors there but the tiny text that breaks the whole layout if i zoom in? now that's just too much
still, i respect her effort. there's an appeal to the kind of aesthetic she's going for. it just happens to be horribly inaccessible :'(
it's certainly- well, i wouldn't say well designed. it's certainly... designed. it's certainly designed.
i apologize to the eyes one. i was so mean to that one but that made much more sense than this. the ending of that was also not good but it kinda made sense. it was building up to it and it was following the source material, after all. temporary delusion as the ultimate explanation there made sense. whatever happened with the well one did not
IT WENT BEYOND MY USUAL FAILURE TO UNDERSTAND ALLO PEOPLE. IT JUST STRAIGHT UP MADE NO SENSE. I THINK EVEN ALLO PEOPLE WOULD AGREE THAT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. OR, MORE ACCURATELY, DID HAVE A TINY BASIS THAT WAS GREATLY EXAGGERATED WITH A FEW STEPS SKIPPED IN BETWEEN. IT HAS DEFINITELY GOT ME BOTHERED
OH GOD I FINALLY FINISHED THE WELL ONE AND THAT WAS FUCKED UP. THE EMOTIONS MADE NO GODDAMN SENSE TO ME. THE ENDING MADE NO GODDAMN SENSE TO ME. WHAT WAS THAT. BUT I'M GLAD TO BE DONE WITH IT. I AM NEVER READING IT AGAIN. EXCEPT MAYBE THE GOOD PARTS. AGH
could i be unrepentant could i be guiltless the reason as always is fear that is why i have not gone to the mountains that is why i am a traitor from the ricefields to the sewers
how beautiful. i look at the pictures and i want to embrace history and heritage not my own. i want to leave, run away, and forget. to secure that for myself and never think about what i left behind. but it'd be kinda traitorous, wouldn't it? like burying my head in the sand, or plugging my ears, or averting my eyes. it's childish. selfish. but maybe if i'd been punished more in the key moments when it mattered, these kinds of thoughts would not occur. maybe then i would've happily left it all behind, maybe i would take off and i wouldn't look back. maybe i would even be happy there
shall i pick cowboy bebop for my yearly holiday classic anime rewatch? to forget about the existence of the live action? :-)
I WISH I COULD ASK WHAT S THINKS ABOUT THAT GODDAMN SPECIAL. I NEED HER PROFESSIONAL OPINION. BUT WHEREVER SHE IS I HOPE SHE'S DOING OKAY 😭
i don't want to go back to the office i don't want to go back to the office i don't want to go back to the office i don't
the brain worm anti is fucking terrifying sometimes. an artist just got hit by the exact things my brain worm expected and worried about looking at their work. i can only hope it doesn't stifle their spirit. i would hate for them to end up like me
two wonderful artists are really out there drawing my favorite right now... i'm smiling so wide it hurts and my heart feels like it's expanded three whole sizes :')
gone are the days when i had to keep track of how long my mom was able to sleep and adjust my behavior accordingly bc there are different, contradictory set-offs depending on how many hours she slept
now that i think about it, so far, 13 year old me is still spot on about my orientation 13 years later, which is pretty funny
my laptop from 2011 can't handle any games that require more than a potato to run but that's okay bc my eyes can't either <3 symbiosis <3
my fucking migraine makes me want to commit great video game violence but i know looking at moving 3d graphics will just make everything worse bc i already can't handle those on a good day
common romance story pitfall: gives plenty of reasons for why A likes B but zero reasons for the reverse. i'm left thinking "how the hell does B not just think they're annoying/forgettable" especially if author goes through the trouble of making A really average. this can easily be solved by giving A a skill B admires them for, but they have no idea for any one of these reasons: a) perfectionist, b) passions lie elsewhere, c) insecurity. all three options give A something to work towards, too.
starting to get really good at snap-selecting the right stimuli to feed myself to manipulate my mood in the direction i want so i can do a thing. improvise, adapt, overcome 😎
the idea of "most people are _" as a basis from which to diverge is really comforting
i want to have a red summer. even though i'm still not entirely sure what that means
where was that brian eno(?) quote about first imitating the limitations of the old platform on the new one
just realized my current apartment is the longest i've ever lived in one place (3 years)
getting the brainworm anti to shut up is a work in progress which will no doubt take a long time but i believe it's possible
poly bridge is a fun and wonderful game which i enjoy greatly but would never play
new mantra: if it worked for elegy/pf in the past, i CAN make it work again. the cards one has no chance against me <3
it never ends well. a good few hundred words, maybe a thousand if we're feeling generous, but it still inevitably falls apart
i remember i used to be able to cry easily when i was a kid but i would get sleepy right after every time without fail
need to follow you so i don't lose your art again but i don't actually want you on my feed
ENVY @ PPL WHO CAN GO TO MUSEUMS AND EXHIBITS ABOUT MY FAVORITE COUNTRY THAT DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE
i also think the utility monster thing is bullshit. if it existed, why should we believe it when it says it gets more utility than everyone else? utility and happiness are not quantifiable things, the best we can do is weigh relatively and put necessity/survival over petty pleasure when there is a choice between them. i'd be wary of anyone who'd say "but i can get more use out of these resources than all these other people/i deserve it more" because that's already what the rich tell us 😐
"i'd feel terrible/dishonorable" yeah well i'd bet the 5 people would feel pretty good about getting to live another day
never understood some positions on the trolley problem. why do people act like feeling good about themselves is worth weighing against the survival of multiple lives?
for some reason i suddenly remembered how i used to bow to people all the time. mostly in apology. i'm not from a place where that's the norm, and i don't quite know how or where i picked it up, but yeah, that was a thing. weird
should really stop overcharging but i don't know when i'll next lose power ok? they don't always announce it. and really how can they when it's often birds or some shit messing with the unholy tangled mess that is the electric configuration in this godforsaken neighborhood
talking about myself to people who will say those things in response just feels worse
first-worlder just told me it isn't normal not to feel safe or comfortable in one's own bed and the fact that mine causes me immense back pain should "be addressed." no shit. think you're smart for figuring that one out?
i will NOT die with a fully wrong body. fuck you. you're not burying me like this
the fucking ovarian cysts at 12 years old which can supposedly come back and turn into full on full-on ovarian cancer were not the least bit funny either 😐😐😐
can't fucking believe there is a real possibility breast cancer is gonna nick me before i can even transition 😐
if you feel like everyone hates you, it’s time to rest… if you feel like you hate everyone else, it’s time to eat
blind-to-everything-else type military fiction is so easy to watch. there's nothing emotionally complicated about it, it's all aesthetics
once again reading about my favorite country that doesn't exist anymore. i am okay
i've fragmented so much from the impossible ideal of "one person to know all of me" that no person can ever know anything other than a highly fictionalized sliver only viewable through that aforementioned initial point of connection.
the good hellsite has recently told me this compartmentalization is good, that i shouldn't expect one person to know and handle all of me. it sounds reasonable and i agree with it in a wide sense; after all, that's exactly how i live my life. i've never been caught in the folly of allo people trying to find one partner to know all of them. but i still can't shake the feeling that maybe i've veered too far off into the other direction and something is wrong.
i wish i could be like those aro people who just have complete obliviousness to that which they are not capable of feeling. they navigate their lives as complete people and find fulfillment in their platonic and familial relationships. unlike them, i've always felt like i was missing something. maybe it's because i've never had a best friend either, and no real close friends in general. all my relationships are extremely compartmentalized and transient, just like the spaces i occupy. there is no person i could go to if i was simply having a bad day, for example, but a dozen or more people if i chose to filter those feelings and express them through my point of connection with each person. i don't get to mourn the loss of a friendship or space either, because each space and each friendship operates as if none of the others exist.
i stop making justifications. i stop editing to make it more plausible. i accept the dream-muse's story, unconditionally, with open arms
had a dream about a chess variant with two additional pieces, the vampire and the slime. the vampire is disguised as one of the 8 pawns and at the beginning of the game each player picks but doesn't reveal to the other where it is among their pawns. whichever piece captures the vampire gets turned into the opposite color. the slime, meanwhile, starts out moving one space in any diagonal direction, but upon capturing a piece, inherits its moveset. if it manages to capture multiple pieces, it inherits only the moveset of whichever piece it last captured. the slime may be placed anywhere among the 2nd and 7th ranks at the beginning of the game.
you love calling yourself an ally but you can never be one if you continue to lead these kinds of conversations. the only allyship you can ever achieve is handing over the reins
i'm above the fucking poverty line. it took me years but i fucking made it, okay? sure, i can't spend money on anything that isn't food/rent/water/electricity/internet, but electricity and internet themselves are luxuries. sure, i went from the ricefields to the sewers, but i'm still better off here. if i caught covid (highly unlikely if you've read the top of this page), i would just accept my death because i have no debt whatsoever and i would like to keep it that way. zero fucking debt - my parents couldn't even dream of that. my neighbors can't even dream of that. every time it floods here i just take it in stride because unlike my neighbors i don't have many possessions or appliances to lose and replace in the first place. i don't need your first-worlder condescension, or your platitudes. if you think i'm poor, you haven't seen poor. i'm not going to listen to you. i just speak here so i don't have to be rude to you.
open it later when it's finished. that's what you should've been doing all along anyway
consumed by the sudden urge to write for the suite again. part 3 1/2 is tricky even though i've outlined it twice already. it's a piece that has several directions it can veer off too and i'm still not entirely sure how to approach it. one thing i'm sure of though is that it doesn't end well
@ all the guys who left smitten comments on that one bwl short ver fc: i completely agree, i love you and i hope you're doing well
the funny thing is i forgot it was even happening so the reminder was a pleasant surprise
they're so hard to write but if i read about them i just end up unable to focus bc i get overtaken with an even stronger desire to write them. life ruining /s
my soul grows weary not being able to talk about them, so i'll just refer to them with glitz. that's reasonably vague
FDF 2's eldritch yukari with her lovecraftian spellcards remains superior! goddamn if that is not the most unbelievably gorgeous shmup i've EVER played
it was a rough read since the author isn't a native speaker but goddamn it i still think about no vacancy occasionally. the emotions are so potent. when i try to do that type of story elsewhere, i'm less inspired by the actual movie it is based on and more inspired by NV itself. i just love it a lot :(
the only effective line the generic self-loathing voice has ever come up with is "what if she's right"
i hate talking i hate talking I HATE TALKING. never make me speak, especially over the phone
the price of tea doubled seemingly overnight. it was a few years ago but my brain will never move on from what i feel is the correct price of tea
the part of my brain that can process values has no understanding of inflation whatsoever. everything should only be as expensive as i feel it should be
cont: korean's hard for me too. a friend (who is a native russian speaker) was hearing me struggle with korean names and said it was the transliteration that confused me. she said it was easier for her because the names sound closer to themselves when written in cyrillic, which was how she learned how to say them before she learned hangul. since i couldn't learn hangul in 5 minutes during a voice call, she did the next best thing and wrote out all the names i was having trouble with in katakana. helped instantly.
implausible but i wanna speak every language i think is beautiful, even just a little
reading spanish out loud is doable, being a native filipino speaker is a cheat for it. and i had NO problems with japanese pronounciation early on, even the 'r'!!!! but most german words in existence seem to be inaccessible for my mouth
binging THEIR old group covers both because i'm more cultured now and actually know most of the songs + because i can better appreciate the original rap parts sugamon wrote for each. sigh... they just don't do this stuff anymore 😔
lately it's never pieces i undoubtedly love and gush over that make the most impact on me but the shit for which i have feelings so mixed i almost get dizzy just thinking about them. like the eyes one :')
cont: i still follow you though because your art clears my skin, i just need to resist temptation and scroll as quickly as possible whenever you make a text post bc i know it's never anything good. for some unfathomable reason you follow me too and i don't like that
the complete opposite being: your work disgusts me but i would love to be friends with you and support you in your craft for the rest of my life
i love your writing but i would never have even a 30 second conversation with you
liking something "bad" or "poor taste" will never be nearly as embarrassing as letting yourself be bullied out of liking it
also i keep reading back my past stuff and i'm allergic to narrating it seems. this is a problem. all my longer form stuff is basically written as scene after scene after scene like a movie in text form and nothing is ever explained, just talked about or done
the hardest most annoying thing about plotting/writing long things is controlling the flow of information and keeping track of who knows what bc all my notes and worldbuilding are written in 3rd person omniscient and also i have to figure out when best to write in what so there is only ever the minimum necessary amount of info revealed and i want to tear my hair out
to understand what kind of sucky chess player i am, all you need to know is that i once threw away an easy win and made it into a stalemate because i found it so much funnier to promote 4 pawns to queen and parade them around than to mate a lone king.
sometimes my brain does a funny and while i'm scrolling through a feed made 100% of art and artists i love it will start a running narratiom detailing exactly how every single artist would have been harassed by the people who used to harass me
if i didn't leave today, right now, who knows when i would next feel this way again?
it knows about poison and traps. and i can't afford an exterminator. but it doesn't even matter because i keep my place as clean as it can possibly get but they all come from my neighbors anyway. like my next door neighbor sweeps out all cockroaches meaning they inevitably end up with me. it's maddening
i've never pronounced the letter 'w' in my head as 'doubleyou' - that is 3 mental syllables and that is too much. whenever i mentally read an acronym that has a 'w' in it i pronounce it as either 'wa' 'wi' or 'wu' depending on the surrounding letters.
both love and hate how people talking about twitter sometimes abbreviate it to tw which is the same as tw as in trigger warning. it's fitting but inconvenient for filtering
i got some really good feedback on it too! now to fight the add again and do some effective editing
it's like that wading through wet cement comparison but in my case i've been wading through it for most of my life, briefly got meds and found out what it was like to walk without the wet cement, then ran out and went back to the wet cement but it's so much more agonizing bc now i KNOW what it's like without the goddamn fucking wet cement
if i don't get these goddamn fucking words out i am getting some goddamn fucking medication again. i can't live like this anymore
it'll take some work but i bet i could make box whites sound great on an acrylic sandwich like the mw65
the dune sandworms are a lot like those giant lampreys i used to have dreams about
tangies are SUPER marbley on the mw65 with the popular mods. what are people doing. do they really like that?
SOCIO FUCKING ---- UPDATED? IT UPDATED??? AFTER 6 FUCKING YEARS!!!! HOLY SHIT I WILL NEED TO DISAPPEAR AS I CONSUME THIS
lol people really expect their precious "thock" from a fucking acrylic sandwich? gasket mount or not, be realistic
well, i finished it. the cross one. i wasn't ready on my first read, but now i finally finished it. i feel... well, i feel.
the mw65 is a comparable listing but i like the sound profile of the tm680 better
(looking at rare good tm680 lazada listing) i would treat you so well... i would tune akko cs lavenders to put inside you and they won't sound marbley at all... i'd even get some good stabs....
eating dalanghitas while sitting in the afternoon sun, i feel REALLY REALLY HUMAN :D
drank water while sitting in the morning sun again and i feel better! wilted houseplant moment
JUST WANNA TRAVEL BRIEFLY, TO 5 YEARS AGO, SPEND A BIT OF TIME WITH COMPATRIOTS BACK WHEN MY VERY VERY SPECIFIC INTEREST HAD A MICRO-COMMUNITY AROUND IT. JUST FOR LIKE A MONTH OR SOMETHING.
people often say it's hard to express the full intensity of their emotions through text but i've always felt the opposite. caps lock can make me seem quite angry, something i can't manage in real life. an emoji can make me seem like i'm crying, when i can't do that either
"they're not progressive groups; they're regressive because they're terrorists" nice FUCKING going 🙂
is it gonna be my desire to write again that ultimately makes me visit my psychiatrist after almost 2 years of silence?
Y'KNOW WHAT I LOVED ABOUT THE MEDS OTHER THAN HOW THEY STABILIZED MY MOOD? THEY GOT RID OF LIKE A SOLID 70% OF MY INHIBITIONS. I FELT NORMAL. THE WORDS FLOWED
me, struggling with 2000 words now: how the FUCK did i once manage to write 50k+ in half a year
y'all know what this means. it's also the return of gay, tax fraud-committing, internet sex symbol reigen arataka. about time
vanner's form reminds me of block b in the best way. god i miss block b :( that was the top tier idol music, pop-ifying hiphop tastefully!
(reading my past writing) this flowed so well and had varied word choice and sentence construction! and it's over 5000 words long!! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?
sometimes the gods really are highly responsive to prayers. need to play that game again
have to reorganize my hundreds of browser bookmarks every so often because the way i last organized it doesn't make sense to me anymore
putting on the angriest hiphop i have to act out the aggression i can't express
how many seconds until this """historical""" documentary about a completely fake myth mentions 'nazi germany' speedrun any%
i tell people i'd rather they not mention astrology around me and instead i get three guesses for what sign i am :) :) :)
i have multiple sources of chest and back pain how am i supposed to know what this is 😭
was having some doubts so i looked up whether anemic people can even get heart attacks and apparently we're way more likely to get one? either way though i don't think this is one
is this a panic attack or just a particularly intensw mood plumnet? i can't tell
you ever just listen to a song and KNOW there are gonna be at least a dozen 15k m rated oneshots titled with a lyric from it? that is the opposite of my music taste
i'm so happy that there are so many talented artists in this world because for every niche or a niche of a niche there's always at least one source of mindblowing art to be enjoyed by people who are into that, and hopefully shower the artist with love and appreciation
i'm somehow always bleeding from somewhere (mostly cuticles or back). should be red.thoughts.page :p
pathologist: except you're not rich, not even close, because if you were the first thing you'd get is the hormones :)
yeah this is what happens after being 2 years off the meds that were the only thing making my mood consistent but i can't afford them and i'm terrified of making regular trips to my psychiatrist anyway so 🤷♂️
FEAR: my apartment floods every time it rains, and i've learned how to carry my fridge without my back hurting extra for a week (and instead just hurting extra for 3 days), but i still obediently pay rent every month because prices have plummeted, with what i would have been paying having been paid for in blood by every drug user/dealer/innocent bystander shot during tokhang down the street or the next street over or right next door. and i STILL for a FACT live in relative luxury because i'm not my neighbors who have three kids and i am ABOVE the fucking poverty line. that still means success right? i crawled out of the hole i was born in and i am ABOVE the FUCKING line now. i even have internet at home, i might as well be rich. i have running water at home (except when it rains) for fuck's sake!!! that's an improvement. but these can all be taken away, i could always go back to how it was before. and so i have not gone into the mountains. and so i am a traitor.
i don't have a passport (because the biggest journey i've ever made was go from hometown rice fields to city sewers). i don't have a driver's license (despite trying and failing multiple times to get one so i probably never will). i don't have a firearm license (they say it's because of "a history of depression and anxiety" but i know it's also partly because of having joined leftists orgs when i was in college). i'm not qualified for my job (because i couldn't put myself through college anyway, you were right mom, and the only reason they haven't fired me for this long is because i've never acted out). internet is the most luxurious thing i pay for (other than electricity). and the only reason i haven't gone into the mountains after reading a hundred PDFs is my anemia and back problems- no, that's a lie. the real reason, as always, is fear.
DO I REGRET READING VLAD AND ROSA? ON MY MOST HOPEFUL DAYS I WOULD TELL YOU NO. ON MY WORST DAYS I WOULD TELL YOU YES
oh, you want to build a labor coalition? you want her to endorse labor leaders and the softest demsocs as opposed to the hardest socdems for her senate picks? you think you have some healthy pickings? you're acting as if she isn't going to hand over economic reins to the liberals as soon as she's elected? you're going to take any minuscule scrap of revolutionary momentum and reset the counter six years again? you're gonna endorse the billionaire-supported version of ubi? you have things to fall back on if you happen to get fired? i envy you. i envy you in silence and i don't speak to you because why would you listen to some terrified genderfucked anemic who can't even leave his apartment most days? why would you listen to me whinge and whine when come election day, i will still vote in whatever way keeps out of power the allies of the man who fucked my neighborhood with tokhang?
splash of cold water to remind the progressives which side our girl is really on when she intends to endorse 1 candidate at most to "represent the marginalized"
me: i just think that now more than ever, it's important to consider-
pathologist: are you reading about ----s again?
me: i am reading about ----s again
there's WPM and there's WPM while relaxed which i think is the more relevant measurement at the end of the day because even if i just got 120 that was with me pounding on the keys and not really an accurate representation of me typing in most other contexts. my relaxed WPM, on the other hand, has raised significantly from about 40-90 in the past few weeks since i started training to speed it up and i'm happy about that :) though the ultimate goal is getting a relaxed WPM of 100.
i just think the whole mindset behind "hold on i need to look something up... yeah this is funny" is a wonderful thing to be normalized
but WHEN will a cis guy jokingly tell ME "welcome to the best gender" huh? huh?
idk why but the increasingly/decreasingly verbose meme never fails to make me laugh like:
big if true
large if confirmed
humongous if authentic
back in 2016-2018 i was so obsessed with having truly grown up, i promise, for real this time, and aggressively burying all interests which did not reflect that mindset. all things "icky" and "cringe." but now in the year of our lord 2021 i have finally recognized that growing up is actually becoming relatively chill about those things and no longer stuffing away parts of myself to feel "cool"!
war worried to find an old mutual had deactivated, but she's still posting to ao3 and has an active twitter so that's a relief! we never talked but i hope she's doing well <3
never spent money on gacha yet i still have 2 pages of URs and i get to do everything i want in this game. i'm just built different 😎
sometimes i encounter a phrase like "love is the servant of chaos" and think to myself. ah. maybe i CAN understand allo people after all
i don't even know anything about classical music but i have this one 90 minute playlist i made that i love more than anything in the world
pathologist: it's true that they've gracefully tolerated your tangents thus far, but still, sticking with the story's better
pathologist: i doubt you'd have anything to say right now that would be of much interest to them
not that they already exist and are trapped. instead i think, and my experiences and conversations have proven this, they will materialize unbidden when they recognize that they have an open door to leave through
pathologist: you will change your mind 10 hours from now, dear wilted houseplant
cont: and in some ways, those emails were the only record of my existence at that time and proof of the things i spent time doing. i don't like getting pictures taken of me either (surprise surprise it's partly because of dysphoria) so i barely have anything. i skipped as many school picture days as i could get away with, and volunteered to be the picture-taker in every setting and every event to avoid having to be in the picture. i once accidentally slapped a classmate in the face when they tried to take a surprise duo selfie with me. nothing with my government name on it is even online. if ever i get into some kind of accident and forget who i am, i would have nothing to remind me.
cont: and yes, i deleted everything. when i was done my mailbox had zero items. now, onto clearing out all my other email addresses
my brain for some reason can't handle substitutions in a mathematical way. might or might not be related to how i can't visualize things. but anyway, the acronym takes on a slightly different vibe than the full name. stuff like that
name a character other than marisa kirisame who is able to give intense witch and jock energy at the same time
because when media tries to do that intentionally i always feel either misrepresented, patronized, or it's just a fucking downer
i love random pieces of media that unintentionally end up articulating very-difficult-to-put-into-words aspects of the aro experience
so apparently some people were surprised about squid game sangwoo's progression? i mean, wasn't he an investment banker or something adjacent to that?? with that knowledge + what he did to his mom's shop, i saw it coming from the start
me sending my writing and friend sending their art both in the same chat convo and we aren't even responding to each other because i'm just screaming my love for their art while they react enthusiastically to my writing but somehow it still all works 👌
being "mutuals" on tumblr can be so damn weird like we both follow each other's side blogs about the same topic but we both follow FROM our mains which have nothing to do with said topic and we wouldn't even know we WERE mutuals in the first place unless we stated our main blogs' names in our side blogs' descriptions somewhere
maybe the reason i still hold out hope of my dad accepting me if i came out to him is because back when i was a kid i distinctly remember attending family reunions dressed in male cousins' hand-me-down clothes and my mom would always be annoyed about, saying she didn't like me being seen like that, how i should dress more femininely, etc. but my dad would reassure me about it and even say "how handsome."
a general concept i've always been drawn to whenever i see it is "the unreasonable has become the mundane" like you know those jokes about how fic authors will update under any circumstances, memes about youtubers cheerfully telling their audience to like and subscribe because in today's video they will be killing god, the whole subgenre/aesthetic/? of "slice of eldritch" (which is slice of life mashed up with horror or otherwise fantastical imagery). i can't pinpoint what i'm feeling when i see content of this, but sure as hell am Feeling.
remember that people go on the good hellsite to be serious about stupid media and be stupid about serious media. quit pretending you're the only sensible person in a sea of strange people
to me, a lot of people's hot takes and observations, especially about fandom, sound exactly like this:
the sky is dark today, and for some reason people seem to be convinced it's going to rain *water.* however, it could just as easily rain fire! a lot of them carry umbrellas around, but those will be *completely useless* if it happens to rain fire instead of water like they expect. these freaks are deluding themselves.
apparently the wheelchair was on sale and that's why he bought it even though he knows it'd take a while for me to visit. classic
i mean he's fully vaccinated too so he'll probably be approved for travel but THE BEACH? in OCTOBER??
it is OCTOBER and my dad just called saying he wants me to take him to the beach but also before that set up this new wheelchair he bought a couple months ago but couldn't do anything with??
pana... my dear... my love... babygirl. i am on my knees, BEGGING you to let me full combo this damn song
i just love the dialogue in touhou games so much. for example, the "how much bread have you eaten in your life?" meme was originally a jojo quote, but the way it was referenced in EOSD just goes the extra step:
MARISA: how many people's blood have you sucked up until now?
REMILIA: do you remember how many slices of bread you've eaten in your life?
MARISA: thirteen. i prefer japanese food.
not to mention marisa's line ripping on vampires slightly before that:
you're one of those, right? can't stand sunlight or smelly vegetables, or silver things. the masters of the night, which for some reason have tons of weaknesses...
little nuggets of gold in between intense sessions of getting blasted to kingdom come, that's why i love this series.
since we're just quoting random text posts today:
there is no audience to perform for, there is no approval, no admiration to attain. there is no role worth playing, there is no one to convince. let it go
from the tags op had:
progress is made by defying the instinct to beg for forgiveness for being yourself.
nothing short of my phone breaking will stop me from playing LL because my fingers have been injured and i still played it
(phone screen proceeds to break)
well that does it
should i watch squid game, which will take 9 hours and can easily be divided into three 3-hour chunks, to understand the hype... or should i rewatch the entirety of legend of the galactic heroes (120+ episodes 22 min each)?
the rearrange of septette for the dead princess on xi-on's scarlet is just SUPERIOR ugh
neighbor said she was having trouble getting a "solo parent id" apparently for some local govt benefits. didn't even know that was a thing
NO ONE can stay genuinely grassroots and be carried all the way through nationals. that shit doesn't happen. those are the limits of liberal democracy. if they want their name peddled to the masses they pick a cultural talking point, snip out the spicy stuff from their platform, and be as gently socdem as possible economically... only then will the money flow in. my girl cannot run a campaign solely on hating the current admin as bad as it is, especially while sending a 'fuck you' to the party that carried her to vp in the first place
meanwhile, another aspirant thinks he has any kind of significant support base outside ncr... he doesn't even have big money behind him, what does he think is gonna happen?
pathologist: bonk! you just did a narcissism
pathologist: bonk! you just did a reactionarism
pathologist: bonk! you just did an insensitivity
me: ok what is it this time?
pathologist: you just did a stupid
TALK TO MEEE i love talking i can talk to you at 100 wpm which i think is finally on par with the speed on my thoughts!!!!!
as you can imagine, the entire mindset surrounding that previous thought is poison for any sort of creativity, especially when you've internalized that harassment into a part of you to the point that you're more afraid of what your own mind tells you than actual harassment. every time i sit down and try to write i have to condition myself again just to feel "allowed" to do my favorite hobby. it's stupid and wild.
bizarre experiences related to the above (1/?): since i've been burned so many times before, i'm extremely careful on social media now. as in, diligently reading people's abouts/carrds/whatever for BYFs, DNIs etc. etc. if i so much as like or reshare one (1) single post from them. and the thing is, if an item from their DNI applies to me or the general vibe i get from their self-introductions is anti-ish, i'd just block to save myself from future trouble. it's not about me having trouble with the individual, but about them potentially having trouble with me.
so you can just imagine how awkward it was when i had to explain to someone that i befriended on another platform how i'd unknowingly had them blocked in my platform of choice since a long time ago, and that was why they had a hiccup in trying to reach out to me. how could i say i misinterpreted their about because i was so paranoid about being a target of coordinated harassment again?
thin well done crust
thick white sauce
four cheeses (mozzarella, cheddar, sprinkled parmesan, little blocks of cream cheese)
garlic (very finely diced, in butter)
I'M SO EASILY INFLUENCED... ONE PERSON WITH A SATISFYING ART STYLE IS ALL IT TAKES
(i know why)
(god i need to get back to that translation)
(anything for them <3)
yukika's music sounds like a light rain shower on a sunny day, especially her new song
finally getting my goddamn philsys too, no more shitty id trouble. the only flaws that will be on this card are my birth name and that little 'F' :')
today my boss will email me. instead of relying on messenger which i have no idea why they chose in the first place
well i mean they could still have their cloud overdependence but at least separate it from the stuff they know can be outside targets?
reading up... oh god this is why i hate cloud overdependence. they can't open fucking doors
now i only have to worry about looking the part so people in real life assume what i want them to assume, which is way harder :')
also, being able to straight up say what i am has freed me from that whole silly dance about "giving off the right vibes so people assume what i want them to assume."
ironically, i used the label 'non-binary' for YEARS to avoid thinking about gender. "what's my gender? don't worry about it. (i don't wan to think about it.) how should you refer to me? however you want. (but DEAR GOD i had better given off enough of the right vibes for you to assume i'm a guy.)" when asked, i always made sure to tell people "any pronouns are fine!" my logic for this was: my native language doesn't have gendered pronouns, only gendered titles, so it shouldn't be a big deal. at the back of my mind, though, i always knew one set in english was deeply uncomfortable and wrong. i just didn't get to picking apart the reason why until much later.
the word 'freak' has been completely ruined for me by pseudo-progressive modern day puritans. i even avert my eyes when i see it used jokingly by people who are nowhere near that movement because the sight of it keeps bringing me back to the worst harassment-related memories
actually need to sleep at a decent hour because i'm finally taking my second shot tomorrow/today morning!
the pathologist in my head is way more effective than any generic self-loathing voice could ever be. when i get really ignored, for example, a generic self-loathing voice would say "they hate you they hate you they hate you" which is an assertion open to question. the pathologist, meanwhile, is always at least one step ahead of that, and would instead say "why are you so self-centered that you believe they think often enough and feel strongly enough about you to hate you? why do you think you deserve their attention in the first place? can you pinpoint when in your past you went wrong and set on the path to becoming like this?"
if the generic self-loathing voice was all i had, no pathologist, then i wouldn't be depressed—because it's so dumb and robotic and predictable. it only has the same few variations of "everyone hates you" as its answer to everything. it can easily be refuted with "no they don't" or "shut up you said that already."
but there's no easy comeback to the pathologist, who frames its assertions as premises so true and obvious they are used to prompt me into thinking on ITS terms. with the generic self-loathing voice, i know it's blowing a miniscule thing out of proportion. with the pathologist, everything feels like it all ties together as manifestations of what's really wrong with me deep down inside.
the less popular configuration... of an already niche thing... that will never stop being niche... because of reasons. pain
i will never understand key + click shortcuts like... you're so close to the point, just make it a key combo
i need to brush up on my japanese internet slang because i'm just always looking stuff up now. terms change quick
my bookmarks/likes is gonna be so useless after this because it'll just be full
never leaving this tag. saving everything in this tag. religiously following all updates to this tag. i've found my home
come ON pixiv give me the top secret forbidden ---t-- --l content the government doesn't want me to see, i KNOW i have the right tags because the entire reason i learned katakana was to understand them!
it's probably obvious but today i've been binging on local news a little bit since i felt guilty for being disconnected for so long
i'm at a loss... bb pilipinas 2021 winner is a PERFECT "girlboss" archetype. she even served in the navy......
the liberal opposition is so weak it's sad. vp running for president isn't even a sure thing - she was pretty much forced to run for vp due to that whole thing with her husband and the party subsequently strong-arming her to take advantage of the wave of public support. and once elected, she spent most of her term fending off the president's supporters who hated her, fending off those cheating allegations, and being undermined by the cabinet and most everyone else. that gives her so little momentum, and it's just pathetic to watch it all play out. i keep wondering what the old rich backing lp are doing; they have the money and they've gotten the candidates they've wanted for so long, but they're just floundering now.
even if vp runs and wins (big if), she's just gonna be another cory. she'll act the part with mostly good intentions, while shit gets privatized and regulations loosen in the background, because at the end of the day, the liberal party is the liberal party.
knowing him, he still might change his mind about the vice president thing. i want to be a teeny bit relieved he's not running, but he's gone back on his word before and still has plenty of time to change his mind. it might all be a publicity play; he did that exact same thing for his presidential campaign. not to even mention how we still have to contend with his daughter :///
also my parents are old so for most of my life i was the strong one in the house who carried boxes or full laundry baskets or water jugs or garbage bags. i remember feeling ecstatic every time i helped my dad with something and he praised me, saying how strong his child was. i loved that. i also loved doing the stereotipical father-son activities with him even though it wasn't that often. teaching me to repair and clean my bike, teaching me how to fix things around the house, stuff like that. and to a lot of people those are probably completely gender neutral things but to young me they were a big deal
i didn't even have bad dysphoria as a kid. i lived pretty much genderlessly back then. subsisted on hand-me-down clothes from my many many many male cousins, short hair, unisex nickname, free to play however i wanted. it's just puberty that ruined all that
why does spotify go to great lengths to remind me about the existence of reload's album cover after i've tried so hard to block it from my mind
i just worry about people. god wants you to stay safe. god wants you to stay healthy. god can hear your prayers at home. why would you endanger- sigh
inconvenient things about anxiety (1/?): no idea if the last time i went to the dentist and tried and failed to have a tooth removed was because of a panic attack or an allergic reaction to the type of anesthesia used. went well this time though and the dentist was unnerved by how i had zero reaction to the injections and pain in general
i don't like being under anesthesia. does anyone else have this near uncontrollable urge to mutilate yourself just because you can't feel it?
wanna know what anxiety feels like? (part 3/?): having a convo with a friend about a story idea that came to me in a dream and opening with "this probably isn't historically accurate but-"
still occasionally think of "the fratboys at ingolstadt" from that one frankenstein related post
(part ? of the name saga)
some unmistakably masculine names for consideration:
dio - greek god, rock legend, vampire. not super common (i've never met a dio irl), but easy and won't give anyone a hard time.
arthur - king, gentleman. classic. not that common in my country either, but i've met an arthur before.
tristan - knight. also the name of an important old friend. more common here than the previous two, but i've met a couple girls named tristan in school too, and that makes me hesitate.
something with a v - idk i just like the letter v. would i ever look like a vincent or a victor? maybe in 10 years...
claude - based on the nickname of a great-uncle. his used the spanish spelling (because of course it did) and ever since i was a kid i've liked his name. i also like my dad's name, but he'd never call me that.
add to these the laundry list of nicknames i've used in forums and social media over the years and i'm still nowhere close to deciding >.<
in two weeks i finally won't have to keep ticking my age on bios anymore, just put 25🡡 and be done with it forever
i've said this before but cleaning manga is 90% patience 10% problem solving. there are often little shortcuts, but for the bulk of it, it's really just the endless tedium of zoom, clone, make sure it looks right.
thought about typesetting all these pages absolutely littered with SFX. optimism gone
speaking of IDs. one day i'll grow a beard and do the same thing as that one tumblr post and just say the little 'F' was a typo and they will also tell me "oh sorry sir, we'll fix that right away" ☺️
grrr i ALWAYS have trouble with IDs because i have neither a driver's license nor passport and philsys is taking too fucking long. like if they were gonna have an ID picker why not include all the most common IDs? comelec or BIR should BE THERE
i didn't even enjoy that overall since the point was so clearly to make fun of the girl and i found it a bit mean-spirited but just. that one scene.
why does that one old movie about this wife who could only cook fried eggs and had this scene where a supportive friend taught her to make ginisang monggo to surprise her husband and she did everything as instructed but due to the wording it didn't occur to her that she had to wait for the monggo to cook and therefore soften so when she served it to the three other people they all crunched on the raw monggo at the exact same time just. live in my head
remember that time i spent an hour cleaning out all the SFX from a page only to realize i didn't know what half of them meant so i just ended up keeping them all because translating half would just look ugly?
solved: english does not have a word for it. multiple words are needed. this is gonna be hell to typeset
@ manga i'm translating: I KNOW WHAT THIS WORD IS IN TAGALOG. THERE IS AN EXACT WORD FOR IT AND I KNOW IT. BUT I NEED THE ENGLISH WORD FOR IT AND NO MATTER WHAT TOOL I USE I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT
after trying and failing many times to perfect a chart using my strongest, most optimized cards, i randomly beat it using a mediocre, un-optimized set while i was just messing around. not funny, game :|
one of them somehow became a collaborator for my next translation project too <3
present cause of exhaustion: seeing ooooooold far-right takes but covered in pastel bows and dipped and glitter and so many young people are falling for it.
re: creators ended up landing more on the mediocre side but i still occasionally think about the implications of mamika as a character
last thought just looks like petty senseless whining but twitter would take that so seriously. i can only say that here
just for the record i didn't even want that coldplay collab. i never wanted a coldplay collab. i was okay with their last cover since it was just them even though i could not care less for the original song. there's 3 months left in 2021 and all they've released are english tracks. not a word about an album or even ep (presumably to the relief of everyone else competing in mama), but i'm not even complaining about how long it's taking. i would honestly prefer they release nothing this year rather than an english-only album/ep. nj promised, he PROMISED they wouldn't cave to the pressure, and for the past almost 4 years they have kept that promise but now i'm getting worried. i don't want more western collabs, i don't want an english album, but it seems they've simply outgrown me as an audience member.
maybe if i grow a beard i can get away with long hair without being timepieced on sight
need to save this somewhere prominent so i can remind myself of how i work and prevent unnecessary future self-loathing over it lmao
lol buying this $15 pen tablet has been the fanciest and most unnecessary purchase of my year. so happy to have it though. (advanced) happy birthday to me :)
i see. if that was the intent, tech-wise, then it makes perfect sense for everything to be in a single page. i was thinking in terms of blogs, but i quickly realized how complicated that can get.
cont.: or even worse, spaces have become enveloped by this cloying fake-sweetness where you can just smell the smoke underneath. the moment you mess up, the candylike facade cracks, and before you know it, you've been burned by a searing hot metal brand
reading through some scanner's old tumblr blog to try and find their retranslation policy and i'm close to sobbing at all the nice asks and anons the owner used to get because the language and attitude and pure, free-spirited fandom fun all feel like they're from a completely different area. social media, at least the tiny portion of it i've experienced, has become a battleground. everyone has become so cautious, or combative if they've been burned before
if this ends up being a thing, i just realized i'd wanna set up some kind of search too for easy cross-referencing and if there will be that then i might as well have indexing with tags and— that isn't the point of this place, huh.
fervently sending support in hopes that yet another creator whose work i adore doesn't get bullied out of making the stuff they love. instantly accessible, aggregated harrassment is one hell of a drug
i wonder what it would take to implement pagination for thoughts.page. or is that just a bad idea from the get-go? the links system for individual thoughts would have to be changed, right?
the first manga i scanlated from start to finish is a perfect display of my pace for doing hobby projects:
start with a week of obsessive, nonstop work whenever i can grab a sliver of free time. set up the system for how i'll do things, and get out of the way all the repetitive preparation work to smooth out the rest of the process. 3/7 chapters completed (since it's just a single volume) and posted within days of each other.
spend the next week obsessively checking for and fixing mistakes. 4th chapter completed and posted with edits to previous chapters. same thing for the week after that, ending up with the 5th chapter posted.
while working on the 6th chapter, realize major mistake in my process and the decisions i made during the foundation phase and re-edit EVERYTHING. 6th chapter completed and posted with the edits two weeks after the last.
motivation steeply drops off. stop working on it for a whole month. revisit 7th chapter (more of an omake than anything) out of guilt a few times within that month but ultimately fail to work on it because there's some dialogue and narration i can't seem to grasp how to translate and ugh why bother, i'm stupid so i'll never be fluent in japanese anyway.
after over a month has passed, look at my todo list of future translations and be gripped with a desire to translate this new thing that is so potent and overpowering it fuels me into revisiting the first project and just powering through it with gritted teeth, finally understanding those difficult bits of text through sheer will. 7th chapter completed and posted with, since i couldn't resist, more edits to all the previous chapters.
all in all, it took me 10 weeks to do a single volume of manga.
feel blissful and accomplished for exactly five (5) minutes before opening up that new project i want to translate and subsequently sink into despair when i realize i'd have to clean a whole manga's worth of SFX again :')
wanna know what anxiety feels like? entering any significant correspondence i write into a readability calculator before i send it, and adjusting accordingly because i'm THAT afraid of being misunderstood
additionally yes, clicky switches are my favorite type of switches.
yes, i hate the sound of clicky spacebars.
yes i exist
yes, SA is my favorite keycap profile.
yes, i hate the sound of SA spacebars.
yes, people like me exist.
"wow, i didn't know you had a lot to say about this. how do you have such a developed opinion on it?" 1 year hyperfixation
my anxiety isn't "regular people's worries, but intensified to the point that it's disruptive." it's more like "worrying ONLY about the wrong things"
i am going to translate WHATEVER i want! provided i look at the dictionary every time i doubt myself which happens about once per 5 seconds
"you're good at this. ever considered being a marriage counselor?" thanks but i spent a decade distancing myself from the institution of marriage so now that i'm out there's no way i'm going back 😊
on one hand, quarantine has cured my alcohol problem and i haven't had a drop for 1 3/4 years but on the other hand, i haven't gotten my prescriptions for just as long which means no meds at all which means mood swings have had free reign 24/7
i'm never spending half a year's salary on a board whose only possible sound profiles are "so hollow you should've just bought a cheap prebuilt and modded it" or "finally got rid of the hollowness but now it's just an inferior jelly epoch"
sometimes i think "maybe i just need a girlfriend" but then remember i'm never gonna turn allo and what i really need is a support circle
i don't want to say my voice "ruins the illusion" because it's not some kind of trick of the light. it's the truth. the voice is the illusory part.
just remembered i'll have to make a phone call today... ugh. i hate phone calls. voice calls in general suck with very few exceptions. i hate only being perceived through my voice. it's the one part of me that is the most misaligned. i can't lower it. i can't do anything to it unless i commit to the whole process, which is scary and expensive.
while agonizing over not being able to suss out what a subtle yet wordy character's narration means: "I HATE TRANSLATION"
after finally figuring it out: "DEAR GOD I LOVE TRANSLATION. MAYBE I CAN BE FLUENT?"
oh god... what if it's all that llsif that's making me type faster? since the way i play that game is basically the exact same way i type. cursed thought
i occasionally rewatch that video of the plushie playing proseka. it's theraputic
saw the pic and — ohh. i wasn't seeing that on my laptop either so i had no idea. thanks for the help! ^_^
nothing will ever top the experience of hearing perfect cherry blossom's soundtrack for the first time </3 wish i could wipe my memories of that game and play for the first time again but i'd probably die a lot since i'd lose the patterns i memorized :p
teddy park is a native level english speaker and his most frequent collaborators are also either native level or native speakers so i KNOW they can do better but the lyrics that get made for the girls always sound like strangely worded parodies of us pop-rap. especially the rap verses, those are like a fill-in-the-blanks grabbing from a word list generalized from chart-toppers of the past 5 years or so. it's hard to describe but these lyrics always put me off.
done. still doesn't look any different to me though. where does this show up?
oops. i know barely anything of html/css so i'm not entirely sure what that refers to? shifted some values but things don't look any different to me. i'm almost always on mobile though, so there could be something i'm not seeing.
i just want to reach through the screen and type on people's keyboards in sound tests. maybe this is the signal for me to go to my local mall tech store complex again lol. but i don't wanna be a public health hazard so i'll need to wait for restrictions to officially relax. i'm vaccinated, but that doesn't mean i can't spread it apparently so better be on the safe side
i LIKE the scratchy switches. i don't wanna lube their scratchiness away. this is why i like cherry reds, ESPECIALLY cherry silent reds since little sound remains but the scratch. i like the feel of some scratch too. i don't want that overlubed smoothness. there's something satisfying in the unrefined sound of a stock switch like silent reds. it's for this reason that silent blacks aren't as good, in my opinion
in other news, i long to build a keyboard that reminds me of the afternoon sky in my hometown <3
i've had so many names across the years and i still have never settled on one long term. but now that legally changing is finally on the table for me i think i have to meditate on this a while longer
one of the first things i did when i was still new to the internet was pick a name that sounded more like me. something neutral because back then i was still afraid to pick something masculine. but now i want something unmistakably masculine, something that registers as quick as a snap of a finger in people's minds and doesn't give them space to doubt
am i allowed to double up? triple up? some people have three names right? but since my surname and middle name are both long that'll just be a documentation nightmare. i can imagine making so many people's spreadsheets look ugly. i can imagine that thing happening where the spreadsheet cell cuts off part of the text in it and if someone's in a hurry they'd never even know a word was missing and i can already the inconsistent documents giving me trouble when i have to verify my identity somehow. one name it is. so hard to pick though
sounding out different names, all with significance, unable to pick a favorite :<
found this old thing while cleaning out my notes app and it made me chuckle. enjoy
youtuber: ok i'm gonna play touhou
youtuber: people say it's hard though so i'm scared!!!
youtuber: ok let's jump right in, lunatic mode
youtuber: i didn't look it up before downloading this so i'm going into it blind
youtuber: [[[plays a bullet hell shmup on the highest difficulty without learning the controls]]]
youtuber: OMG THIS IS SO HARD I KEEP DYING
youtuber: HOW DO I DODGE THE TIGHT BULLET PATTERNS
youtuber: this game is impossible. screw this i'm quitting
youtuber: i have no idea how people clear this game. must be sorcery
i can only hope it makes for good entertainment for people not familiar with the games?
happy to say that recently i've been on the path to regaining the typing speed i had in my teenage years! i think i peaked at ~110 wpm back then, but for the past few years i've only been averaging at 70-80. today, though, it seems i've climbed to the 90-95 range :D i still have yet to learn touch typing though :p i don't really look at the keys but i mostly use my index fingers still lol
re: rodeoflagellum's question about themes and fonts:
as someone with moderate nearsightedness and astigmatism, i can tell you that light-colored serif fonts on really dark backgrounds are noticeably blurrier for me at first glance, and i have to take a moment to really look at the text to know what it's saying. using a near approximation of black (#080808 or #111111) as opposed to a pure black background (#000000) usually helps with this, as does increasing your body text size. however, for dark text on a light background, #000000 is better.
if you're interested in webpage accessibility in general (which you seem to be), the w3c a pretty good resource about contrast here. i hope you find it helpful. they also point you to a tool for testing different foreground/background combinations to see if they may be inaccessible for some - very useful for web designers.
personally, and i can't speak for anyone else, i find monospace fonts the easiest to read and that's why i chose to use them in my own thoughts.page theme. my process for deciding how to style this page was mainly looking between my phone and laptop to see if it looks good on both since i use this site on my phone a lot. the colors, on the other hand, are purely an aesthetic choice - copying the keycaps of a mechanical keyboard i like very much :)
i'm never buying a keychron. with them it's always one little tradeoff after another until i've accumulated a pile of dealbreakers
oh never mind, that was the case a few days ago but now it's back. good to know i can obsessively tweak things 200 times again :)
for some reason, thoughts.page is not letting me edit my index.theme anymore :/
the joy of recognizing an artist whose art style you know from one platform, in another platform <3
it's amazing how much freer and safer i feel in places like this site and pixiv. so basically, places where i either get no engagement OR english isn't the dominant language. i can say what i want and express my love for things without worry of being targeted or anything nasty like that. it's such a pleasant experience to be left alone. japanese fandom in general has been very nice to me
why yes indeed, the color scheme of this page is meant to copy a certain keycap set i love very much <3
i'll never forget the first time i got to try buckling springs. they're still the standard
OBSESSED with this one reporter's tone on the news tonight. the way she said "a recent study has shown face shields have some effect in lowering transmission rates" was so disappointed it sounded more like "to our dismay, there's some evidence that face shields help"
i'd rather tread on the side of not enough foam than too much. sucks out all personality from a board
if i was REALLY being honest, and did not have to worry about how long it would take to lube + film switches, my ideal layout would be a 96% compact with the numpad on the left. if someone, anyone, made a keyboard like that it would be a dream come true
what i really mean is... i want muse red and pale pink and aqours blue and white keycaps. with the modifiers having the girls' faces on them. and maybe the space could be a group photo. photos would of course have to be taken from LLSIF cards. i want the tackiest anime girl keyboard but i would still think it's the classiest
the prices for custom keycaps are honestly ridiculous. i wish there was some kind of standard for modding your keycaps after getting them. stickers? and don't even get me started on artisan keycaps. expensive, inaccessible, doesn't ship to my region and if they did the shipping prices would be MORE THAN THE PRICE OF THE THING. madness
do not understand the appeal of coiled cables. i hate them for my headphones and i hate them for my keyboard. i hate them everywhere. i WILL heat up the wires to straighten one out, every single time. braided cables on the other hand should be the standard by now
the last time i loved something, was truly head over heels invested and inspired to gush and share and create my own things, i had a dream that probably lasted a few minutes in real time but to me felt like many many many long hours. what i dreamed up was a detailed youtube-style documentary, hosted by myself, in which i went into excruciating detail about everything wrong with that thing i loved. all the knowledge i had accrued over the course of this past several-months-long hyperfixation --- spit back in my face and used to prove that i was disgusting and irredeemable for daring to regard that thing with anything other than disgust and condemnation.
i think that's the reason why i don't really care about what other people say. the obsession around other people being my "haters" doesn't much make sense to me because there is nothing they could ever EVER say that would match the sheer in depth, methodical vitriol that only my own dreams could muster. insults from others don't mean much because they can't even fathom the extent of what i know is wrong with me. what only i can know is wrong with me.
so i'm a little more cautious about loving things now. not because i fear what other people might think. no, it's because i sometimes live in fear of having a dream like that again.
i'm so good at compartmentalizing that each online space i occupy displays an irreconcilably different fragment of myself compared to every other space. and in each space, i act as if every other space doesn't exist, always a different identity. look at this page, everything's about keyboards. i seem like a whole person with consistent interests and concerns, don't i? but sometimes something slips through the cracks and i wonder if this is healthy.
against my better judgment i keep watching sound test and in this one video i just... please... no matter where you are i will personally come to your house and clean your keyboard. box jades do not deserve to be treated like that
(sees u4 silents in stock)
"oh sweet, i'd love to get some. i can't right now though, but i'm sure soon-"
(u4 silents sold out)
"damn ok, maybe i'll get a regular tactile after all-"
(u4 silents back in stock)
"wait really? aw but this listing is pretty overpriced-"
(u4 silents sold out again)
// repeat 17x
getting an rk68 where i'm from is basically a lottery because on one hand i might win at life and be given gat reds but on the other hand i might end up with outemu blues... i love it here, third world quality is having my local big ecommerce sites have zero guarantee on what switches i'll get exactly
(before first experience lubing switches)
"96% compact is endgame!"
(after first experience lubing switches)
"65% is endgame!"
i will never understand the appeal of low profile switches. you escaped laptop keyboards, you got out of that cage. WHY would you want to recreate it
to truly stress this point once and for all- i would take stock gat yellows over the very specific fuck-up of making them marble-y via tuning. i would take stock nk creams at their scratchiest over a marble-y configuration. and the "spray paint can" holy pandas... are on thin fucking ice (except the spacebar, i love that spacebar)
just remembered this but- s76 offering the launch keyboard with box jades as the default switch is the epitome of taste. if only it wasn't horribly expensive
one time i got REALLY lucky and caught a niz plum 68 at a mall tech store for some reason. to this day i still have no idea how they got one of those and why in god's name they were displayed half a shelf away from r*zers. i got to try typing on them and while i'm iffy on the sound (especially the spacebar, always with the spacebar), they felt wonderful. i ended up not buying them because i didn't have the money at the time, but man do i think about that day a lot. especially now that i'm in a less tight spot financially, but when i check online, this board is nowhere to be found in any store that ships for reasonable prices in my region.
second to last post was mostly a joke... it is honestly an achievement to be able to make gat milky yellows sound marble-y. (that is why i like them so much in the first place!) yet some people still manage the near implausible and ruin one of the best value linears out there. sigh
the worst thing about having online shopping be the only option is i CANNOT know how thick [clones of popular expensive keycaps sets] are. and the ONE THING these keycap set clone makers most often skimp on is thickness, which is the only thing i'm after
gat milky yellows my beloved... i won't lube you the same way a lot of highly opinionated redditors and youtubers do... i won't make you sound marble-y at all... i will make you sound perfect... come here i'll treat you how you deserve to be treated
i'm actually not into the empty space on full size boards, tkl boards and even 75% boards like the gmmk pro (though i have to admit the gmmk pro does this better than most others). some 65% do this too which is just like why... the entire point is to be compact, those gaps to separate some keys are just ugly
fantasizing i could afford to build a foamless tofu 65 with momoka frog switches, genuine durock stabs, and those dye sub xda matcha keycaps (the version with the hiragana legends of course). frogs actually seem pretty nice stock and are one of the few linears i like but i'd put a thinner lube if i had the patience for it
OH diamond linears are another marble-y one in a lot of configurations i've heard. however, there have also been a couple where they didn't sound like that at all and i actually liked the sound
no matter how many sound tests i listen to, i cannot see the appeal of zykos and a lot of its "clones." they have this almost marble-y sound that i can't stand, especially at the start of the upstroke. there's this brief high pitched fragment of sound that's similar to what you get by knocking two marbles together. i've always hated that sound when playing marbles as a kid. the board and keycaps probably play a larger role, and indeed i've heard some linears that sound like this as well, but the worst offenders were configurations with zykos, holy pandas, and akko CS switches.
i realized this mech thing might be getting out of hand when i was changing a lot of my WM shortcuts to stop depending on the function keys so that i could feasibly use a 65%
why is it always the switches i don't like the feel of that have the best sounding spacebars 😭
the tofu really is made to make linears in low profile keycaps pop, especially if you go all out with the dampening. if you expended the money, time, and effort to make heavy tactiles in high profile caps sound good on a tofu, i admire your dedication and will — but i feel like this board tolerates tactiles at best. the linear people are so lucky.
clicky SA spacebars never sound good, which pains me because i love clickies and SA is my preferred profile
i go to mechanical keyboard youtube
i reassure people about their switch choices, but criticize their spacebars
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