post + edit + delete + host + theme + webring
plushie playing proseka
what about my pain?
top 2 things someone could say to me that would make me cry on the spot, probably:
#2 you're right
#1 it wasn't your fault
for a truly embarrassing amount of time i remained completely oblivious of the true meaning of the phrase 'la petite mort' and had it confused with 'death by a thousand cuts' wherein i thought all those thousand cuts were their own little death
what do you mean? you just gotta stick with it*
*sticking with it is the hardest part
daily reminder that wheat is a fussy bitch of a crop and anyone who tells you otherwise is LYING (looking at you dr. stone)
through the old graveyard, i'm going to walk around
and bury my heart where it won't be found
this is gonna sound really fucking unpatriotic but i only "got" and enjoyed noli and el fili once i read them on my own in english. it took me a few years too because in high school i struggled a lot with reading it in pure filipino with all the big words and accent marks and stuff. still an "el fili superior" truther though, it's so edgy i just love it
watching solaris for the first time is like damn this is long and depressing. compels me though
is "makasaysayang konteksto" a real term used by academics or am i just too deep in english-speaking brainrot that i have no hope of writing anything serious in tagalog unless i do a word-by-word mental google translate of my own thoughts?
i break the surface of the water tantalized, searching for the whereabouts of my lost fury.
i'm a very 'all or nothing' kind of person, and throughout two and a half decades of life what i've learned is that i can never have it all, in any situation. so i always end up choosing nothing
completely against my will, i know a bunch of stuff about the american civil war and i fucking hate that the knowledge comes in handy pretty often
sometimes i do miss my high school uniform... it has been a decade, how the fuck? but yeah, the uniform was clearly gendered but it was so long and loose and flowy that it was the most comfortable outfit i could think of
i don't know why that last thought occurred to me now. anyway, the dates have been finalized and arrangements made; my first office workday after almost two and a half years of remote will be the 5th of september 2022 :')
due to complications with sizing, i had to have my high school uniform custom-sewn by a seamstress in the neighborhood rather than being able to buy directly at the school. it was for the better, because i was able to set the skirt length to my preference of four inches below the knee, as opposed to the standard of 1-2 inches below the knee that the school made, which would've been very uncomfortable for me. besides, in those days, it was cheaper to buy the fabric myself directly from local suppliers, which more than made up for the additional cost of paying the seamstress.
and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want, what do you call it? freedom? or loneliness?
the more i learn about fundies the more i am convinced of the whole yaldabaoth concept and that's what they're really worshipping
hilarious to think about how, if naka had just calmed the fuck down and drawn in the last round of the candidates, he'd actually be in the running for world champion 💀
but i have to admit... being able to work remote was the best thing that ever happened to me
i don't like to think of myself as disabled. nobody would ever take any claim to the contrary seriously. they'd laugh and tell me to lose weight. how could i explain the fatigue to my boss when doctors don't even believe that? i just have certain physical limitations which i must stay constantly ahead of and work around. who doesn't?
just to illustrate why i'm so upset-
my remote work arrangement: spend 2-4 hours accomplishing my daily quota, queue up an email to send at exactly 5:55pm every day no matter what time i actually finish the work, no meds of any kind, no commute, have lots of time for cooking and cleaning and laundry and staring at the sun and greenery
my office work arrangement: 4 hours (back and forth) of exhausting metro manila commute at rush hours, a cocktail of meds and stimulants to counteract the subsequent caused thereof, 8 hours at the office blasted with too-cold airconditioner, fingers stiff on the keyboard from the chill, easily distracted by noises and coworkers, boss breathing down my neck, no time or energy to do anything by the time i get home, no rest on the weekends either because that's the only time i have for cleaning/laundry/etc.
and wanna hear the hilarious official reason i'm absolutely obligated to go back to the office? because they want to be able to directly observe if anyone's slacking off, and they're sick of waiting for people to read and answer messages in their own time rather than instantly when boss rocks up to their cubicle
as an adult, i no longer mind the bitterness at the bottom of the cup. sometimes, i even search for it. sometimes, i stir the mix to get more of the bitterness more evenly throughout
me every time twitter americans use the abbreviation 'yt' to refer to white people: "what does youtube have to do with this"
me, every time i discover a new piece i love turns out to be him again: god, bach truly has so many bangers
i know it's been out for a while but sighs... we still didn't get that serendipity demo huh 😔
no use trying to forget you
'cause i realize
that i'm trying to forget you
with tears in my eyes
all i want in my life is the official instrumental for a boy is a gun*. i've heard all the reprods and remixes and reinterpretations but they're all missing something. no one can quite capture the piano in that song
no but you're so right actually. i have indeed never caught even a whiff from the perfume of existence
death is ceremony for the living. the dead aren't here anymore; it isn't for them. it's all to make the people left behind feel better
people who say gloc 9 is "the filipino eminem" have some pretty fundamental misunderstandings of both, or they just mean "guys who rap really fast"
in hell i'll be in good company AND i'll be considered as good company. truly. truly
reading tweets of japanese and korean artists restores my faith in humanity without fail every single time... the way they reply to people complimenting their work, the way some of them practice learning languages, the way they're so kind and earnest in their correspondence to people trying to commission/buy their stuff from abroad. it's like i'm being healed of the brainrot given to me by the "ironic" mean-ness everywhere else on that website
after playboi carti stuff i don't really struggle with songs like god's menu anymore. still don't know if i like any of them but i get it now
my dream endgame keyboard is exactly like the one i just linked, except with a 1800 layout
let me go, unsung. i just want the relief. i pick the relief. it's not even a choice!
no matter how i reposition myself... (see: rotisserie chicken sleeper tumblr post)
the real power move is gonna be asking heta fandom friends to help me write lithuanian, italian, and french dialogue for hannibal fanfic purposes
no food, no water. just dust and windows surrounded by greenery. the hum of a fan. birds. i like it here. i'm filled with this quiet sort of happiness.
the poets have left hell, the dancers are all gone, even the philosophers couldn't resist taking a peek outside. why are you still here?
you curse me out and i speak so kindly to you that you feel horrible about it. serves you right
he's been saying he wants to die for the past six fucking years and i've weathered it. you haven't
"if he wants to die, maybe we should just let him leave the hospital and call a priest" shut up shut up SHUT UP
taking a switch with an interesting sound profile and making it sound like every other fucking switch by using pe foam makes me so sad. you're killing it
i'd love to get myself some box mute jades... but then i'd have to spring swap them to something heavier :/
how could you possibly think that the barely-there tactile bump of browns is in any way comparable to a click bar? just stick to your linears, dear god
people really just go onto keyboard youtube and be extremely wrong about box mute jades huh? "they feel like mx browns" yeah if you've never tried any tactile switch other than mx browns
every single time i try to work on my WIPs these days it's like painstakingly sawing open my skull and digging through my brain matter trying to rip the words out of my mind
yeah, i can be a canon scrutinizer. i can do the 'scrupulously canon compliant' stuff. i just choose not to
(just for easy/quick access)
fear is the mind-killer. fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. i will face my fear. i will permit it to pass over me and through me. and when it has gone past i will turn the inner eye to see its path. where the fear has gone there will be nothing. only i will remain.
finally remembered the track aespa's lucid dream reminded me so much of - it was loona's satellite
occasionally i remember how i'll never get my hands on amber alps in my lifetime 😔
it's one of those things that's just hard to tell for a low-empathy individual like me. i don't feel other people's feelings. i don't even feel sympathy. i see people i'm close to hurt or in need and often i want to help them, but not because i feel their pain and their hurt. sometimes, i'm annoyed by their pain and their hurt, and i do what i can to make it go away so i could have my fun conversations or activities with them again. it's getting rid of an inconvenience. other times, i feel nothing at all, but i try to listen to them and help them anyway out of reflex. like, table manners.
what do i love? i couldn't say. i use that word a lot for things that please me, things that amuse me, things that fascinate me. but as for things i love, had i ever truly loved anything? i dig through my mind and my memories, but nothing i've experienced seems to fit the definition of loving something or someone. i've said here before that despite everything, i can't hate my mom, and that i do love her. but i don't think love is the word. i feel an undeniable connection with her, borne of obligation and of knowing her so well, knowing almost everything about her. i don't enjoy her company. i don't miss her when she's gone. i would gladly move back in with my dad to play nurse and cook and take care of him, but because i feel that same obligation and recognition i feel for my mother. the difference is i enjoy his company and conversation sometimes, when we aren't clashing. once he's gone, i'll miss some of our conversations and i'll lament that i can't ask his opinion or take on certain things that'll come up after he's dead. but i won't ache to see him again. i miss certain friends i've had, but i couldn't say if i loved them as much as i missed the fun and stimulation of conversation and activity i was able to have with them. had i ever loved?
i just want an all metal 1800 layout keyboard with a roomy case and hotswappable pcb and also not to bankrupt myself 😭
no mx-style switch can really feel like them. like cmon, even the zeal clickiez, which have an actual click leaf don't really feel like alps. cmon. cmon
don't get me wrong i like the muted jades but for goodness' sake they are NOTHING like alps in sound OR feel
"kailh box mute jades sound closer to blue alps" what do you MEAN, no they fucking don't. what makes you think that
wish i could get capacitive buckling springs in a modern 1800 layout and all metal case 😔
once again feeling incredibly thankful to my friend for introducing me to psycho tropical berlin
this page is so sluggish on my phone now and i still can't get rid of that pesky horizontal scrollbar on mobile :< if anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated
i've said this before but i love naturally waking up in the early mornings. it gives me all the time in the world to do the rituals!!!
it's difficult to describe how much i already love proseka despite the fact that i've never played it. i want to though
pathologist & missionary (in a rare duet): but how would you like to be perceived?
me: we're really doing this? all right. i would like to be perceived as kind, accommodating, considerate, intelligent, a great conversationalist due to being knowledgeable about a wide variety of topics, having great taste in everything, tough, and dependable. but i am nowhere near it.
disability discourse tumblr is truly the one part of it i can't stand. just because i have a non24 circadian rhythm, chronic fatigue, anemia, the hormonal/reproductive shit, etc. doesn't make me disabled and i will never be comfortable appropriating that
"what if you were aborted" then according to the rules of my parents' religion my soul would be in heaven by default. probably beats this fucking place
watched severance and damn. helly reciting the thingy upon learning who she is. goddamn. that was raw
the neighborhood dogs are restless tonight(2am), and i'm having day-restlessness again
me, an agnostic, compulsively cleaning my apartment on painkillers at 3am: religion is what separates us from the animals, and that is why i must strike the fear of god into these rats
my previous apartment's roof had a hole from a stray bullet. it was around the laundry area. one of the first things i did was upon moving in was patch it up by nailing a piece of plywood to the sheet roof
lots of election night fireworks audible from where i live now. unfortunately i still have quite an averse reaction to them bc i'm used to election night + new year's eve stray bullets
i'm fine with waiting. i'm fine with lines. yes i bounce back and forth and and dissociate and such but i'm actually very well adjusted as long as i have my headphones
you don’t need to give me a reason. [...] i will always be happy to provide an answer to that question whenever you should need it. [...] never feel that you must keep yourself from me. you have always been welcome, in this way as much as any other.
i like my hyper-consumerist music either self aware or at least with enough decency to be silent about its own nature if it doesn't have the guts to confront that. what i can't stand is when they pretend like they're progressive beacons pushing boundaries and speaking on things that matter. bc by design that's just not what they are
when a new group has potential if only they toned down/threw out entirely their playing into that infernal, performative, and hypocritical girlboss trend
me about everything that doesn't appeal to me: it does not compel me, but i can see why it would compel others
"dude you should be running a  fic rec blog lol, you always have the answer" you can't see me but i am blushing i am preening and i am glowing
where would i even be today without ALL of xi-on's touhou jazz arrangement albums
so glad to be talking to my friend, who is arospec and ace, again. there are just some things only they can understand
whenever i'm hungry but don't want to eat i still, automatically, go to brush my teeth because that'll make any food or drink highly unappealing for the next few hours
missionary: the least you could do is work on your things until you receive that email. knowing tumblr support, they'll take at least a day. seize it!
i have alts of course just like with every site but only my original blog has all the careful filters and my follow list and my scrupulously indexed and tagged reblogs
if i lose my tumblr permanently i'll probably be upset. it's the one social media account i've kept for the longest without ever being tempted to delete it and start over. i've achieved such a specific level of curation as well... what a shame
not to mention the one little message i sent to my horror junkie friend, whom i hadn't talked to in a long time either, and now we're talking every day and having regular watch parties!
one (1) little message to someone i haven't talked to in years resulted in a highly enjoyable 4 hour chat! i don't know what i was so afraid of!
why i never resign a chess game
no matter how good they are, they could always fuck up and stalemate me
if they don't fuck up, then they deserve the pleasure of precisely executing a checkmate
euphoria lasts at most around 60 seconds for me. i savor what occasional little sparks of it i get
me: i don't... do stuff like this. i mean i didn't. now i am. it's kinda fun actually :)
pathologist: [the office stare]
when i was younger i used to be so confused. i didn't know whether i was attracted to masculinity or wanted to achieve it for myself. turns out it was a form of envy and yearning, not attraction. it took a while, but i have teased them apart. my brain is plastic no more, and i have a pretty good idea of who i am
"that looks like a bosnian security system" "it's kansas! it's kansas! ...of course it's china" i fucking love watching people play geoguessr
"[my] lack of greed is a result of having never needed to be so, but [his] lack of desire for money or material things is a resistance against developing a dependence."
pathologist: allow yourself to start on shaky footing. don't reread the early chapters once you've found it
almost typed this thought directly into the address bar before even going to this page but yeah sometimes i miss boy in luv so much. it was a different time. a simpler time
i have the instagram app installed solely to DM one person bc their mobile data is often intermittent and when twitter/tumblr doesn't work for them insta does and i'm ok with that
i love having the 'best stuff first' dashboard setting turned off. the chaos of one mutual being on a bondage kick and another madly blogging about the disastrous finale of a show they followed for multiple seasons and yet another peacefully reblogging impressionist paintings all blended together. ideal social media experience
i know "ways other than" is more correct and i do stick to that when i'm working but in my personal stuff i always use "other ways than" just out of preference
listening to lovecrime and inevitably thinking about those two makes me feel 16 again
nothing i love more in this world than going on keyboard youtube and reading the absolutely unhinged, patrick bateman-esque comments some people leave on the most mediocre custom builds in existence
highlight of last night's watch party
me, purposefully trying to deal him psychic damage: sorry but this is among us in antarctica. the thing is an alien impostor who unhinges its head to devour people and extends a long, sharp, tentacle-like tongue to pierce through them. conspiracy theory: among us was inspired by this film
my friend: NO.
one of the precious few people i love having voice call conversations with makes me feel conflicted because i love the rhythm we get into when talking but at the same time i want to have a perfect record of said conversations to reread and remember which can only be accomplished through text chat
today's mood: wanna finish another one of the many fics that came to me in a dream!!!!
person on tumblr followed me bc they thought my tags on their posts were hilarious and like less than 30 mins after they are already horrified at their decision and think the tags i leave on all the other posts i reblog are completely unhinged. ideal social media experience 😎
today's mood: people in youtube comment sections who go "i can fix her" @ reagan from inside job
hands shaking with the urge to strangle my mom for endangering herself on the internet, again
saving: this line i liked from my answer to a tumblr ask
darling, i will protect myself from you by picking up a sword and shield for the both of us, and defending you from any threat until you've forgotten how it is to be armed. that is the only way i'll ever feel safe from you.
one of my favorite words is defanged. i wish i had some elegant or compelling reason that could be eloquently expressed in one snappy paragraph, but i don't. it just pulls at something within me
maybe if you'd just read through that one among us husbandry tumblr blog then you'd feel better
to non-native speakers, english is the language where the embarrassing is not embarrassing and the crude isn't so crude
All I want is to keep you in one piece
But you fall apart when I hold you at the seams
i've never understood the practice of openly proclaiming your 'DNI' criteria. it just seems performative to me. it's only gonna be read by people seeking your approval, or people whose approval you might be seeking; you include the right combination of terms to signal to them, i am one of your people. your DNI list is completely useless to anyone who actually fits it. that's why i don't make one; if i don't want someone interacting with me, i just unfollow/block them. zero fanfare. i don't need to have a justification and nobody else needs to know i even did it. none of your business.
my catchphrase as an advice-giver to friends should be "and that's another thing the human psyche is not built for. take it easy"
i didn't even know the grammys was happening until i saw a gifset of the Boys™ on my dashboard
like i don't have a horse in this race, i've just listened to them all and i love reading about how people attempt to justify their answer
one of the rare topics of discourse i actually enjoy is people arguing over what's the best exo album
one of these days i'm going to write a damn 2000 words essay on here and call it kpop history class and no one is gonna be able to stop me bc this isn't twitter and i can't be @'ed
the worst thing about me not being a cis man is i can't run away from my problems by getting a construction/management job in saudi arabia like my dad did and drown my sadness by saving everything i earn and going on occasional alcoholic binges
i rarely have intrusive dreams. my dreams in general are very disconnected from me or from whatever's happening in my life (nothing is fucking happening in my life but even when there was i didn't dream about it). but sometimes you just wake yourself up, bury your head in your hands, reeling from the imagery, and talk at god like "okay fine. i am capable of inflicting great pain and injury and suffering if i am provoked or annoyed enough. i can look into a person's eyes and imagine the complex life, emotions, struggles, and relationships they've had, their hopes and dreams, all their quirks and nuances and the good in them, fully acknowledging their soul as sacred and their body as a culmination of hundreds of thousands of years of evolution and bloodlines... and still make the light in those eyes go out, by my own hand. is that what you wanted to hear me admit?"
babygirl i can read up to 400 words per minute in english, 300 when i'm not in a hurry but i assure you that speed drops to a hundred or less when i'm reading filipino [face with sunglasses emoji with tears behind the shades]
had to clean my bedroom floor this morning AND my bathroom floor bc the amount of blood that overflowed was like i got fucking stabbed or something
menorrhagia fucking sucks. ugh. i haven't even used pads since i was like 10. i've always stuck to those big bulky diaper fillers because those are the only things that can hope to contain the sheer fucking volume of blood. i'm constantly cramped, lightheaded from the blood loss, and sleepy. after freshly changing and going to bed i can only hope it doesn't soak through while i sleep and i don't wake up in a pool of my own blood (again)
in my mind palace i am reading all my favorite fic as physical volumes with exquisite paper and beautiful, plain hardcovers while reclining on a luxurious white sofa that doesn't hurt my back at all. i am in an open air second floor living room with light wooden floors and floor-to-ceiling windows with white curtains. if i look up from my reading i see a balcony ahead, with a view of the sea. the sun never sets. the room is always perfectly, naturally lit and the temperature is always perfectly, naturally mild. i am never disturbed. i never need to sleep. i never run out of things to read. i can just keep reading, completely content, for the rest of eternity. a breeze occasionally rustles the pages and caressses my cheek.
he's technically second eldest but in role and actions and etc he's the eldest sibling
i'm not even mad. it's just his Eldest Sibling compulsion to be self-sufficient and independent at all times and therefore hate to need or depend on people
dad called me this morning to say he couldn't take the pain anymore, and was going back to be hospitalized again after a few years of stubbornly enduring his many illnesses. for the past decade, he's been constantly saying he could feel his "time" approaching. i always rolled my eyes at him and told him without fail each time that he'd live for three more decades at least, then he'd act theatrically stricken by the thought. i wonder which holiday will be tainted for me when he goes.
when i was a kid, my dad always had some small prank or practical joke planned every april 1st. now, though, the day to him only signifies his older brother's death anniversary, and it can never again be anything but a quiet day spent in remembrance and contemplation. same goes for halloween, which is his younger brother's death anniversary. this younger brother was also born on christmas. and his mom, my grandma, was buried on or near independence day, if i remember correctly. so many holidays are tainted for him.
on all levels except physical i am here. inside this website. crawling around in the html
person: what's the best [x]?
me: i can tell you my favorite, but i can't speak for the best
them: why not? (what's the difference? is what they mean here)
me: because i'm not familiar with everything. i wouldn't want to be wrong
pathologist: ah. so we're back here again
i am sleeping a lot. in small increments, throughout the day. i do things in between the sleeps. my head doesn't hurt as much, with smaller sleeps. when i last woke up, i remember feeling well cared for. by who? me?
am i actually gonna learn openings not to improve my rating or play in any way but for the sake of chessle? it's more likely than you think
remember when i played worldle for the first time and i managed to get every single one of the country's neighbors except the country itself?
but like. if you just look at the season 3 poster you would understand that none of that was ever gonna make sense
to be fair, hannibal season 3 went completely off the rails. sometimes i'm still not sure the entire season was not just a fever dream (cough, digestivo and wrath of the lamb especially). if any review claimed everything stopped making sense after mizumono, hell, i'd agree kinda. i love it though 🥰
sometimes i still laugh remembering that one imdb review for the new pinocchio movie that said "shawshank redemption? i don't know her"
the shape of the words, the shape of your words, don't deserve to be muddled by my anxious interpretation
i mean, i guess there's patterns of behavior, but i'd have to actually care enough to learn and memorize your habits. other than that there are generic signifiers but they vary from person to person, everyone has their own set that applies to them, requiring yet more observation i'm simply not willing to do for everyone
i'm not an empath. i might be close to the opposite actually. i can't know what you're feeling unless you tell me or otherwise express it somehow
tumblr came up with 'blorbo in law' in 2022 but i already came up with 'bias in law' in 2019 to describe a dear friend's favorite idol. i stay winning 😌
actually, i don't need to turn back the clock. just... a new album. not in english
ugh, i just want 2017-2019 bts back: covering classic kpop songs and paying homage to the generations before them, covering recent songs by their contemporaries, doing christmas medleys on gayo, being overall immersed in the same world i was immersed in as they rose to the top. they don't do any of that stuff anymore, a lot of it is "beneath" them because they're tackling a different beast now. i can rewatch all the performances but it's just not the same. it's not the same
while i'm here just want to say it's always funny seeing the contrast between songs like dionysus that western critics generally disliked while kpop stans loved it and it quickly gained a reputation, and songs that got a good spin in the western music media circuit while being absolutely hated by kpop stans
seeing/hearing people say "yeah i play league" with the same tone/emotion someone might have if they admitted they were a chain smoker will never stop being funny
"was tucker carlson literally a contra?" the fucking SNORT i let out at that. these guys never miss!
update to this: the watch parties have become nightly and at least once per episode my friend and i both go "you're NOT subtle hannibal" when he is being particularly unsubtle. record so far is episode 7 where it was 4 times we agreed he was not being subtle
it's like those times in college when my dorm roommates were asking me how best to proceed with sex with their boyfriends. what is it about me specifically despite being aroace that makes people feel they should ask me about this stuff? i mean i end up offering sensible answers anyway based on logic but cmon
"what do you think it takes to fall in love with someone" babygirl i'm aro. you're really asking for my 100% stone cold aromantic opinion on this? are you sure? i can't give you love advice 😭
from a dm i sent:
i could not live as a hunter gatherer. i need agriculture
rice and potatoes and corn or NOTHING
don't have the heart to tell a friend, who is the kindest person in this world, that i am an established astrology disliker and do not appreciate all that much some of the memes she sends. it's harmless fun and it's not her fault i'm a jerk
re: rwby anime: forgot to say, if you gave me 10 guesses as to which studio would be animating it, i would've NEVER guessed shaft
haven't lived in a house with a tv in more than a decade. but i can't imagine a regular day without youtube
i should've known tbh. friend is an absolute horror junkie so of course he'd like the fucked up crime procedural from the 2010s
after watching the first episode with me, my friend has suggested regular hannibal watch parties for the rest! i am over the moon! sharing the best show i've seen in recent memory <3
"he draws, he cooks. catches the bad guys. cuts you right open and sews you back up. and still all alone in the world. there must be something really, seriously wrong with you. what is it?” goddamn
today (my today, which has parts of today and yesterday in it) was a very normalizing day. the pathologist was very quiet in my friend's presence. i loved it
no, i have changed actually. i think you noticed. but largely, still the same. less rude. i've been trying
when you met me i was filled with so much fucking anger. now less so but i still can't let it out
even if we were to speak like penpals, once every few months, i wouldn't even mind! because each catching up session ends up so rich and vivid with detail and new progress we've made in our lives and new hopes and new obsessions and new friends and new everything!
love asking my gamer friends about their games. i have intense simulation sickness + a potato of a laptop so most games are out of my reach. i live vicariously through them. their energy and passion is infectious. please tell me. what is the game about? what do you do in the game? which parts are the most fun? which parts aren't? if you could change something in this to make it more fun what would it be? what is your favorite tiny obscure detail you can't believe the devs accounted for? tell me everything!
can't decide if i'm stealthy or incredibly obvious but my friend who is sufficiently internetted did not even raise a textual brow at me mentioning my investment in a "horror crime procedural tv show from the mid 2010s"
tired of being sick all the time. tired of being in pain all the time. tumblr keeps telling me that makes me disabled. who wants to be disabled? i don't care how many physical and mental illnesses i have. i am holding on to the status and veneer of abled-ness till it is forcibly pried from my cold dead hands
how many ideas have been falsely attributed to dreams by people who thought they were too strange to admit to being their own?
the split attraction model is very useful. i have no hangups about not experiencing sexual attraction. i have many hangups about not experiencing romantic attraction ^_^
got so affronted and offended by the silly things happening in my dream that i woke myself up
the plot's going so well but the fucking epithets are driving me mad. i've half a mind to discard and move onto the next one if i continue to be tested
this is why i can make sense of anyone's actions after the fact by how it must make sense to them even if i don't agree. i give everyone the benefit of the doubt because i have no way of feeling what they feel. i see every person as a labyrinth of complex experiences and influences and motives and feelings, but as completely unapproachable to me
mary's room the thought experiment is me with empathy, i think. i don't relate to people, i just understand them by working back. like if this is their background and those are their motives, it would or wouldn't make sense that they feel this way now. same with characters. of well written or performed ones, i often remark you can feel their feelings. but i can't. what i mean to say there is i find the performance compelling and understandable. in a literary sense i do well analyzing and trying to predict a character's motivations and actions but in the wild with real people i mostly find myself at a loss. high immersion in stories doesn't translate to empathy, and i'm living proof.
kpop covers are like catnip to me. lovelyz doing beat it a capella? lovely. iu of all people doing rainism? hilarious, she never misses. bts' perfect man? they made it theirs. twice's move? went above and beyond. every single cover by ateez, dreamcatcher, stray kids, and the boyz? i love them, please never stop doing them.
how to be a good liar
make people believe you're a bad liar. (get purposefully caught with bad, obvious, but ultimately harmless lies sometimes. people need to have a template for what you look like/how you act when you tell the truth and when you're lying. display physical tells, so that when you need a lie to go undetected, you simply don't perform these tells.)
the lie has to get you in trouble somehow. it has to have some kind of consequence or be embarrassing, so people will think it's a hard-to-tell truth, especially when nested inside of a bad, obvious lie.
believe the lie while you tell it. the truth does not exist while it leaves your mouth. construct a palace of memories and recalled feelings as if you experienced every aspect of that false reality.
pathologist: people just go on the internet and lie for no discernable reason. does it make you feel powerful? does it make you feel like a more understandable person with a more consistent set of traits? is it more predictions and anticipation of future feelings mental states and opinions? is it more wishful thinking?
my inner voice, the one i hear and need whenever i'm reading something, has been functioning like a broken cassette player as of late, slowing down and tapering off randomly, which is pretty distracting
one of the few good things about being fat is that i don't look any different even if i've been starving myself for days so nobody is ever able to tell
the inside of my mouth tastes incredibly bitter. might have something to do with all the not-eating. but it's fine. i don't mind bitter all that much
that one kpop youtuber who teaches people how to distinguish live vocals from pre-recorded, as well as explaining how and why things work like that, is doing the world a heroic service
sometimes an artist has one (1) single good song and everything else is meh or bad but that one good song is just exactly what i needed
my toxic trait: if a musician speaks a single word about haters like acknowledges their existence in any way, or even worse centers whole musical pieces around responding or clapping back to people who hate them, that's HUGE MINUS POINTS from me.
i hope it's not particularly original. i hope there's more like this, and it's better, and it has more of the parts i like, and less of the parts i don't. i can see a shadow of perfection, of what exactly i want, in this, and i hope someone has already made something almost exactly like it, but it's the version i've been waiting to hear this whole time.
they aren't joining in your performative circle of ritual condemnation. they follow the money, and the math says continue what they're already doing
very amusing to watch the neocons talk themselves into new levels of pitifulness as they either completely fail to understand or willfully refuse to admit that china is simply not beholden to them. they don't give a fuck
me as a child: the news is serious stuff adults like to watch
me as an adult: news is junk food for your brain. avoid it as much as possible. discard any rl story unless it withstands the test of time and scrutiny
i never over-commit to one vibe or genre of media and make it my personality. i have my classical playlist and jazz fusion playlist and prog rock playlist and kpop playlist and hiphop playlist and avant garde metal playlist and anime playlist and chiptune playlist and psy trance playlist and electro pop playlist and many others. they all have their days. i can enjoy a wholesome show or story like a parfait eaten on occasion just the same as i can indulge in the most depraved shit out there. my two main areas of reading are history+political economy and gay porn; both function as palate cleansers for each other. it's why i never think i'm better than anyone for liking a thing. i can fully see and understand how and why anyone might come to like anything, even things i hate. i don't base my personality on my tastes or what i do with my free time. i base my personality on being sad and pathetic. peace n love 😌
i am currently being consumed (and if you knew what specifically the thing was then this pun is so appropriate)
flandre/koishi shippers are so valid. personally i'm a flandre and koishi bffs truther but i love the energy in the shippy content too
sometimes you just gotta be a 26 y.o man having milk and sweet biscuits for breakfast at 4pm. self care, as the kids call it
but of course, MY kpop song of the year 2019 will ALWAYS be brown eyed girls' wonder woman :> (seriously it's a fantastic song with a fantastic mv) (also shh i know it's a cover but still)
recalling how even the boys (you know who) thought fancy was song of the year 2019
still salty over the fact that i waited years for a shinee comeback and they didn't even let them sing live once. fuck off sm 😒
my second favorite touhou soundtrack is hisoutensoku's, and i love it for very different reasons
and don't even get me started on necrofantasia. there's a good reason why it's so iconic and remixed into infinity
i'm serious, perfect cherry blossom's soundtrack is perfect. from the moment the game starts and paradise ~ deep mountain starts playing, you KNOW you're in for an elegant, mystical, emotional adventure. the soundtrack literally feels like the last days of winter giving way to spring. i say this as someone who lives in a tropical country and has never once experienced a season; i know what the beginning of spring feels like because of this game. the fantastic legend of tohno and withered leaf do such a great job in sonically representing the setting to you that the graphics barely even matter. the capital city of flowers in the sky combined with stage four's gameplay is a transcendent experience. and the final fight with yuyuko scored with border of life? you FEEL this ghost girl's pain and melancholy and why she did all that she did. nothing compares.
yes the world is messed up but as long as i can listen to the capital city of flowers in the sky and remember perfect cherry blossom, everything feels like it's going to be fine
if a pair of characters pull that trope of "if he's your canon love interest then why is he MY thematic parallel" that's it. that's all i need. i'm already invested
sometimes it does you better to admit you have to be fixed. and dear god, i can fix me. since i have to do fucking everything around here
"normalize having no friends, never going out of your house, and having longstanding mental health issues" NO! all of these apply to me and i am in fucking AGONY. this is a problem to fix, not something to make preachy positivity posts about. the fuck. you're so wrong for this tumblr
today's word is passion, something i don't have but i love observing and trying to mirror
WAIT A MINUTE. NEW RED VELVET? AND IT'S GONNA BE A VELVET COMEBACK??? I AM FROTHING AT THE MOUTH
top tier discourse: trying to determine who in a ship is the forklift certified one
wish i could have a memory palace 😔 though i guess that'd be more than a bit difficult for someone who generally can't visualize
i used to use certain songs as milking machines for my eyes to make myself cry. now none of them work. i want to cry so much but no matter what i am just not able to. the closest i can get is purposefully irritating my oversensitive eyes with light, specifically flashing lights with eye-straining colors. that would make me tear up, but it's the irritated and painful kind of tears, and i don't feel any relief afterwards
pathologist: even now, you still reread, multiple times, the most mildly complimentary or positive words anyone ever directs at you. if they existed on paper instead of a screen, you would run your fingers over the letters while smiling to yourself, and review whatever you did with those words in mind, trying to see it in the same way as those people who left you the nice words. you only help people because you feel your heart pound and swell in your chest whenever someone thanks you. you want nothing more than to be thanked, but you insist without fail every time to the receiver that whatever nice thing you did does not warrant any thanks. in the moments of their silence before expressing gratitude, you are screaming inside your head THANK ME! THANK ME! but there is also that moment of doubt where you anticipate anger, a scolding. after all, you live to be scolded.
at thirteen, i'd gotten really good at writing my mother's signature. i could copy it flawlessly, and no one who ever looked between a signature of hers that she wrote and a signature of hers that i wrote could tell the difference, including her. nowadays, i'd say that i can write her signature even better than she can. this is because, as she got older, the occasions where she had to write her own signature became more and more seldom since her working days (which ended years before i was born). whenever i accompanied her to government offices or corporate mazes (to carry her things and especially her umbrella, because otherwise she'd lose it), she always had to practice her signature a few times on her little spiral notebook before she could write it confidently. i only needed one try, if i had a reference to look at (which i did; for many years i had a picture of her signature saved in my phone's camera roll for whenever i happened to need it).
the reason i got so good at writing my mother's signature is because she despised keeping up with my school documents. i would leave her forms and permission slips and report cards she was required to sign, and she could never be relied on to remember them. as i've doubtless mentioned many times before, i seem to have inherited her bad memory, and untreated adhd makes me fairly scatterbrained when it comes to most objects even on a good day. it's why i always did my homework at the school cafeteria or library after class; i knew i would never get it done at home. i shopped for project supplies the day they were announced, and if possible, i left everything at school. it didn't require much adjustment to take inventory of all the day's forms at the same time as my homework, quickly fill them in, and shove everything back into my schoolbag before i went home, forgotten until the next day.
about the signatures, my mother cared so little that she rarely noticed. her only grumbling about school trips, for example, was that i'd better not ask her for any pocket money unless it was for something that couldn't be avoided, like commute money. she didn't care whether or not i studied for anything either; she just wanted a line of 90+ marks on my report card every quarter as proof that i was as smart as she thought i was. regardless of studying or preparation, according to her, i should just be able to ace it all. this is one of the things about which she and my father agreed. he used to say all the time that back when he was in school, all he'd have to do was listen to a lecture and he'd simply remember everything, enough to breeze through every test.
overall, she displayed strictness rather differently than every other mother i've encountered. by some measures, she was permissive, expecting me to just seamlessly sort out by myself many things which i observed most other kids needed help or even wholly let their parents handle. she never attended pta meetings (because i should never do anything that would require her presence at one of them). she never cared what i wore, as long as i never bugged her about buying clothes, though of course she would get her fill of complaining about how unbecoming it was that i mostly wore men's clothes (hand-me-downs from my dad, uncles, and male cousins). she never cared what i did in my free time (as long as i was on call when she needed me and i never spent any money, so no real extracurriculars or hobbies could be pursued in any seriousness. everything costs money, even in ways you don't think about like the money spent commuting, money for meals/snacks/drinks while outside, etc. not being locked inside the house was a conscious waste of money because temptation to spend was everywhere).
i used to compete in science quiz bees or journalism meets or writing competitions because of school, and she loved collecting my medals, but i never got very far because i never prepared for anything and she had no interest in providing any support because those things always cost money. she would always say that if i was really that good, i'd just rise to the top naturally, no training or tutors needed. eventually i stopped letting myself be talked into competing for these things by my teachers because i hated how disappointed they looked when i inevitably got eliminated at the division or regional level, after one or two successes. she never asked about them again after that.
she never cared that i never had any close friends, and i never tried making any for various reasons (could never trust anyone; couldn't do small talk; lost interest and forgot anyone unless they saw and approached me every day; was disenchanted by listening in long sessions to her badmouth her best friends from high school; was too singularly invested in my parents' marriage and individual lives that i had no room for any other deep and meaningful social connections). i still instinctively knew which people she wouldn't approve of: no effeminate guys because they disgust her; guys in general were bad news, no relationships; no girly girls who would train me to be a slut; no butch girls who would train me to be a lesbian; no poor kids who'd rub off their stench and bad taste; no rich kids who'd train me to think spending money on frivolous things was okay; no activist types who would turn me into a communist like her older sister (dead); no troublemakers with crimes or vices.
i also had a feeling that she was never unhappy about my lack of friends because that meant i had lots of time and attention to spare whenever she needed a marriage counselor or a secretary or simply another warm body to drag to places. but, like i said earlier, as long as i could always be on call, she otherwise didn't care what i did. unless i really fucked up, that is. it was also unspoken that i had no right to complain or be unhappy because she gave me unparalleled freedom; what more could i want?
two years after i mastered my mother's signature, i had little in the way of social skills or life skills in general (besides cooking and cleaning). my only real skill was the ability to amuse myself in solitude without ever needing to spend a single cent. i'd never gone anywhere and i'd never done anything (still haven't to this day). my only vice was the internet because beyond having to pay for the connection and electricity, i could do whatever i wanted for free. i had no bedroom or own bed or personal space for any possessions, but that was fine since i didn't have much in the way of objects other than a phone (christmas gift from an aunt) and laptop (salvaged from a repair shop's scrap). the digital space was my only space, and the only objects i could collect were mp3s and mp4s and jpegs and pngs and watch lists and ebook folders - records of where my time has gone.
two years after i mastered my mother's signature, my adhd had finally caught up to me in school. i shortcircuited. shit happened: grades fell, tried to kill myself a few times, ended up in a hospital, and forfeited my scholarship to the high school my mother picked.
after graduating, i was supposed to go straight to the top university in the country's best campus via scholarship, the one she couldn't get into even via waiting list. the high school was a science high school, and a stipulation of the scholarship contract was that i had to for sure go to university and pick a bachelor of science degree or else i would have to pay them back. i always had an amateur fascination with science as a kid, but three years in that high school made me realize that i had absolutely no interest in any of the real work science involved; i didn't want to teach or do research or have lives on the line with my work and i didn't have a dedicated passion for one specific thing that would result in studies and progress. but never mind that. if i was a smart kid, i was supposed to go into stem. it had always been a foregone conclusion that i'd get some highly respectable stem degree and have an irresistibly beautiful resume and land a job that would surely make me rich and my mom would finally be lifted out of near-poverty and get to travel through europe and rebuild her wardrobe and buy a car just like the ones she saw in the magazines she read when she went to the parlor for a pedicure.
instead, i fucked up, and she was furious. it wasn't the kind of furious i was used to, which was the way she often was with my dad (he fully reciprocated), or the kind of furious she was at my lesser transgressions. according to her, suicide was a guaranteed ticket to hell (coming from a woman who hadn't attended church in years). she said that not only had i ruined my only chance at a good life (the scholarship), but i doomed my afterlife too.
she fucked up her signature on my release documents from the hospital, and made my dad sign them instead. after she left, i asked him how he paid for the hospital bills, and he said he borrowed money from his sisters which would be deducted from his inheritance (a meager share of the selling price of his parents' house). to lighten the mood, i told him jokingly, while looking at the scribbly mess mom left on the papers, that i could've done a better job.
absolutely love the existence of chessle and i love watching people play it. i am still utter garbage at opening theory though :)
hellsite heights, a gated community in which the gates are there not to keep people out but to contain the clowns
new achievement: i haven't cut my nails (neither with my nail cutter nor my teeth) for five days. i fucking hate it. as a replacement compulsion, i've taken to more often and more obsessively washing my hands because the primary reason why i never liked growing my nails out in the first place is that it's now possible for dirt to get under them. a possible solution could be getting a manicure with nail polish; maybe if i'm not able to see every minute trace of dirt through the opaque nature of the polish, i could resist both the hand washing AND the cutting/biting. however, a neat manicure job is easily ruined by one session of dishwashing or laundry, and i KNOW that if i saw the tiniest spot where the nail polish has been scratched off, i wouldn't be able to stop scraping and scratching until all the polish is off and half the length of my nails is off and i'm bleeding all over my hands and mouth.
"i started writing this back when there was still porn on tumblr but i hope the jokes still land" i feel you, author!
the ever-shifting definition of "that's completely within the scope of what i can write"
no matter what the fuck i do it always comes back to my voice being way too fucking feminine
when i was four years old, my butt and thighs and legs were, for a time, absolutely covered in painful and disgusting boils. instead of seeing a dermatologist and opting for some ridiculously bankrupting treatment, my mom had me sit naked in a large metal basin filled with salt and warm water every morning for half an hour while she washed clothes. i hated the coarse feeling of rock salt that had, at multiple points, pierced my pathetic baby skin and turned the water a bit bloody. she scolded me for moving too much or sitting all wrong. i scowled and continued to fidget, even more because the heat of the late morning sun always ensured the metal basin quickly became unbearable. after a month of this, and her stubbornly treating the boils with cheap ointment, the boils disappeared. she took care of me. i didn't complain too much.
my beloved mother's preferred way of "fat-shaming" me was describing in detail how she would cook me if i were a pig because with how fat i was getting, surely i would be fat enough to eat soon. she'd pinch my thigh and talk about the possible quality of broth my bones would produce. it was only in high school that i learned the the joking threats of cannibalism my parents and i always made to insult each other were not, in fact, normal. there were lots of animal-calling in general, but my parents both absolutely hated having pets around, and they would throw rocks to turn away strays, so it was always clear to me.
the one thing i'm never gonna be able to be nice about is foreigners speaking tagalog like literally no foreigner has ever sounded good with it. it's embarrassing. i will always viciously judge them while having no right to bc i only learned the language like almost 10 years late despite living here all my life. i still sound perfect despite the fact that i have a hilariously inadequate vocabulary 😜
from a message i wrote in some random discord server's vent channel:
i'm desensitized to everything but sometimes i become lucid again. [...] it's sickening. i'm sick of it. [...] i just can't seem to take it today. [...] it doesn't bother them that their strongly worded letters won't ever amount to anything. they're just controlled opposition and they have no idea what a nonexistent challenge they pose. usually it doesn't bother me but how the fuck do we live like this? without being so profoundly angry you'd be willing to [REDACTED]. anything to stop this theater of madness.
got immediately filled with a novel-length idea after just browsing the ao3 tag for 30 seconds, as god intended
the missionary has recently opened up her vault to share some now-obsolete lines she had prepared for a possible life in the military. of course, the psychology degree (now also abandoned thanks to the copyediting job) rendered this unnecessary:
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as revenge on my throat, i ate the most i have in months! it's also nice to have such a comfortable degree of separation from any media i consume because it was really healthy for me to eat my chicken and rice at the right mealtime. watching a show with gratuitous gore in 1080p wasn't going to mess with that
my dad the last time i called him: "i can't believe you still think you're evil by nature because she cited tantrums you had when you were a toddler and how it made her think you weren't entirely human"
me: "so it wasn't reasonable for her to believe i was momentarily possessed by dark spirits when i did something she didn't like?"
the pathologist had a fucking field day with that conversation, let me tell you
sometimes i think about beta'ing a few favorite fic for my own private reading pleasure and it makes me feel unbelievably conflicted. reading unbeta'd fic by non-native english-speakers is somewhat therapeutic for me because it's the one activity that allows me to quiet the voices screeching and whining and raving constantly about wrongness.
today while watching that show i'm currently watching, i noticed a typo in the momentary shot of an article passage. man instead of may. one letter off, and it jumped out to me immediately. i don't think i've ever read anything without a single mistake i noticed. everything else in this show is so deliberately crafted that i had to think twice about it. "maybe it's intentional to show her, at times, unscrupulous character as a journalist?" but i don't know.
i can't let these things go in a multimillion dollar production, or even a publication whose writers do copyediting for each other's articles, overseen by their editors, with no dedicated person to do my job.
i remember being no more than ten and eagerly reading the new issue of a magazine at booksale, and my excitement turned to a sour frown so fast when i began to notice the tons of horrible mistakes. all the people who worked on it were older than me. why were they all so wrong? i've always thought i was the most wrong person i know. the wrongness itches from the inside of my skull every day, and i long to rid myself of it. but these people are even more wrong. so many mistakes i would never even have to correct if i wrote those pieces because i would never make them in the first place.
my high school advisor for journalism club trusted my SPAG so much that i could tell he only skimmed over the news article i wrote directly into the microsoft publisher file. he said it was to save time, and for me to subconsciously shape and trim my words to fit aesthetically with the meager word count and few justified blocks allotted to me. everyone else had to pass on their work to the upperclassmen assigned editors.
i respected them, but still frowned sourly upon reading the released paper. we only got to release one or two a year, and that's what i had to look at? a few tiny mistakes, so few because they were good at their jobs, but anything nonzero was still itchy itchy ITCHY!!!!!
back to fic. i'm a fan of rarepairs and dead fandoms and small fandoms. i don't get to choose from that big a pool a lot of the time. i don't get to control how comfortably someone is writing in a foreign language. they share these works out of the sheer love in their hearts and desire to be heard and understood by kindred souls, hoping we readers also see what they saw.
scraping the depths of ao3 taught me to look past the words themselves, so easily editable in my mind that i could never put down the red pen, and see the intention behind them. over the years i started seeking, specifically, works of authors who are non-native speakers. authors who translated their own works in their native language to help them practice english. with a different language comes a different way of thinking, and a different rhythm to the words. cultural story conventions are different. taboos are different. also, you can tell a lot about how someone learned english by the stock phrases* they tend to incorporate in their writing.
(*little of what we say is original content. we don't learn letters or even words individually, but as sentences and ideas and feelings. we just see the same clumps of letters used in the same way so many times and assume their meaning.)
someone who learned it in class will write very differently from someone who paid little attention in school but was addicted to binging american tv shows. anyway, i just love it. the unpolished diversity of thought, freeing me from the banshee clutches of the wrongness.
but sometimes, i think to myself, surely i can polish it a little bit. harmlessly. funnily enough, it's so incredibly fucking WRONG, though. the shape of your words doesn't deserve to be defiled by my sandpaper soaked in red ink.
(***i type in lapslock because it's faster, and it's how i see words in my mind. i can't visualize. also, the best scripts don't have case. i never liked that, but i refuse to read anybody else longform like this. double standard.)
sometimes i have to pause because i got confused whether fw is being used to mean forward or fuck with
the nazis literally had the most effective well written propaganda. it just needs a cosmetic touch-up in euphemisms every once in a while. i am reminded of this every day with every new "let us defend against the asiatic hordes" article from the neocons. they don't have a single original bone in their bodies and neither do the people they plagiarize
i don't want them to be happy. i want them to stew in their pointless pining forever and keep dancing. it's my dinner party and i get to choose the dishes
pathologist: the reason you never outgrew your fear of dogs isn't because every dog hates you (which is true, even those described by their owners as "the sweetest thing" make them go "i'm so sorry, i don't know why he's acting like this", even babies, old ones, sick ones, etc.) but because anger you perceive to be justified is the only thing you respond to
i look forward to the bitter aftertaste now. i searched and, strangely, i've never written about that before
summary of the show btw: "you are severely mentally ill. you should do intense homosexual intercourse about it"
out of them all i find lizards the least threatening. they're perfectly quiet and they want absolutely nothing to do with me. we let each other live
i'm still the kind of person who will put my phone on landscape and spend minutes dragging the slider back and forth over and over because it keeps going to 158 and 161 instead of the 160 that i want
sighs. my keyboard's long press setting is already at 180ms (less than half the default of 450) and it's. still. not. fast. enough
successfully managed to numb my throat with soda! the sheer amount of sugar i had to swallow for that to happen is disgusting but worth it. next time i'll just gargle baking soda
anything i tell you, i would tell anyone who asked. anything they're not allowed to know, neither would you.
pathologist: the idea of hard magic systems has rotted your brain for real. free yourself
i fucking hate having a tremendous gag reflex. a piece of tonsil hangs off barely scraping the back of my tongue and it's like i'm constantly going to vomit but nothing will come out
but i do remember when i used to get tonsillitis as a kid it was way worse. or maybe my pain tolerance just increased
same with 4chan really. i escaped that hellhole years ago but i'm still getting all the best posts
i love tiktok. no i don't have a tiktok account. i love the tiktok experience on tumblr
so much of twitter fandom discourse has been resolved YEARS AGO by the trekkies and more recently than that by the hockey people. kpoppies and minecraft people are spending their lives in agony for NOTHING
"this is not a developing third world nation" "relatively civilized, relatively european" no you fucking didn't!
a problem with me is i'm never content with tumblr recommendations but i can never ignore them either. i have to go through the notes to find the caption/reblog chain that made it so popular, and then reblog the most interesting chain
it's me i'm the social media fairy talking to you from inside your brain log out right now boy we can have fun grass-touching times outside twitter is an illusion
i feel horrible, i'm in constant pain, and i don't have the energy to do anything. why the fuck would you think i'd willingly go to a hospital and be put in a screening room with "likely covid positives" i don't fucking have covid, i know what my problem is, but staying in that room for three fucking days is damn well gonna make sure i catch it. and let me tell you something: i KNOW that if i got it, i wouldn't survive.
why can't i find an exact description of streets/roads in late 19th century berlin. i need it for one throwaway sentence but it's driving me mad that i can't get it right for certain
"this killer wrote you a poem. are you going to let his love go to waste?"
NO! HE! FUCKING! DIDN'T! 😆
i gave into the hype (read: the sudden impulse stirred in me by a post of one tumblr mutual) and oh my fucking god
UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED UNCHANGED
"if i was a cis man i'd be worse" "if i was a cis woman i'd still be a nerdy weirdo" if i was a cis man i would be so stereotypically masculine and tall and deep voiced and chad-like. my dick would be 20 inches long 10 inches thick and i wouldn't even use it bc i'd still be ace. it would be purely for display and it would be awesome
escapism so strong you think you're even better than the idealized fantasy character. no you would not have [flaws to make story more interesting] you would simply make the right decision every time bc you are simply built different
pathologist: you just wish someone would psychoanalyze you with the same level of detail and accuracy other than yourself
fuck fuck fuck why can't i remember the name of that one poetry/short prose publication ateneo has (had?). i'm 50% sure it's a one word title and i need to find one specific poem from either the 2014 or 2016 edition bc fragments of it live in my head!!!!!!
you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged
tumblr loves kafka. and i'm very thankful they do, or else i probably would've never discovered him
the pathologist is going through his terf phase. currently working on a theory about me as a repressed hetero woman. the missionary, as expected, is crafting a future of me married and happy, and a matching one with me married and miserable in much the same type of relationship my parents had. "at this point it could go either way," she says.
i have no fucking idea what their group name is supposed to mean but hey the songs are good
redditor 1: what's a stand
redditor 2: [explanation of how stands work in jojo's that presupposes familiarity with anime tropes]
redditor 1, evidently not a weeb: thank you. you've just explained latin to me using greek.
a list of red velvet music video concepts:
the girls get high off of pollen and have vivid pastel hallucinations
how easy it is to succumb to a watery grave
the girls get high again, this time on sugar
some minor trouble at the clone factory
a cult of rainbows, glitter, and jewels murder a pizza delivery guy every full moon
"fruits are REALLY good for you, y'know!"
50s(?) archetypal american dinnertable
rainstorms, electrocution, and love is like drowning actually
cartoon slapstick violence
"boy, you don't need to dress up for halloween. your personality is enough."
extended airpods commercial
you WILL have persistent fruit-related ideation unless you go outside and touch grass RIGHT NOW
cookies!!! nope they're ants
the girls have a sleepover
random disjointed imagery (feat. cars)
pathologist: the missionary at her best is the keeper of a menagerie of futures and possible lives and longterm strategies for social success. she is all about empathy and compassion and seeing the good in everyone*, about aspirations and creeds and standards. but at her worst she is the one who subverts your parents' favorite guilt trip into how dare you eat when others starve, how dare you amuse yourself when there are others who suffer, how dare you write, how dare you sleep, how dare you breathe, all the misery experienced by everyone else in the world is but a fraction of what you deserve as rightful punishment, how dare you, how dare you, how dare you. you try to channel your parents' version of the guilt trip as a counter to her, but it rings hollow because they are not you, not like she is.
so glad more people are finally realizing the truth that is reimu being the officially appointed class traitor of gensokyo
the song scientist by twice pairs perfectly with that romcom anime about the two highschool nerds who try to logic-out having crushes on each other
aunt: you're tough as nails. that's not always a bad thing. i would've cracked if i had to live with her for years, never mind most of my life
my aunt: okay, okay, you don't need to talk like we're in a court room. you're not a lawyer. you're not taking my testimony
my aunt a few months ago: don't talk like a teacher in a classroom
me both times: sorry. it's how i was...
aunt: ah. your mom
just need to figure out how to drip-feed arthur's story throughout the main one. he's the villain so of course he's important. and a separate solo work just for that is... inelegant
from a message i never sent, saving here as a reminder to myself:
have you ever felt that a mask you put on has evolved to have more control over you than you over it? because that's how i've been feeling with this online identity i've kept up on and off for almost 8 years, though it has evolved significantly over time. it makes me feel so restricted because of the things inconsistent with the identity, which i can never reveal online. but at the same time, it makes me feel so incredibly free because of the things i can say honestly with the shield of this identity, but which i can't say in real life. i guess that's why i kept it up for so long despite everything. but recently i've been feeling that the restrictive bit has finally outweighed the freeing bit, so i think it might be time to hang up the cloak and just go back to being me. (though, i don't have a super solid grip on what 'me' means anymore. sometimes i feel like the identity, despite all its inconsistencies with my real life, is more reflective of who i am inside. maybe both are me, just different irreconcilable fragments.)
now... why am i telling you all this? well, i know we haven't talked in a while since i'm so fucking bad at keeping in touch, but i still consider you one of the best friend's i've had over the course of time i've kept this identity. thus, i felt like you deserved to know. this will probably be my last message from this account, so i just wanted to end it with the send off message of: doubt the things i've said about myself and my background in the past. which were me, which were part of the identity. i could say the fake parts are now dead or never existed at all, but they could also be more like a self-fulfilling prophecy, a prediction, or just hyperbolic analogy of things i couldn't express plainly. were they metaphors or just lies?
as an actual final parting message, i guess i could course correct by saying my real first name. however, i hate my name and i plan to get it legally changed (this desire being one of many expressed through the identity). so, revealing it wouldn't really mean anything, huh?
if i can never afford top surgery or it will result in complications with at least one of my many illnesses, then i hope that someday i can at least pass off these accursed things as "old man boobs"
i don't think i could be actively capable of envy. i have an almost pathological fear of it, and of being anyone else other than me. even though i don't like me all that much either
i only ever cry at the wrong things. that's why when i can never muster a tear when crying is appropriate and the only thing that could make me feel better
i want to remember the one single horror that has ever been able to make my stomach drop
believe it or not, it isn't my mother. the person i have the hardest time pleasing is myself
oishi used to make these fruity loops that were obvious imitations of kellogs froot loops but let me tell you, now that i've tried the original, the imitations were way better.
my mother absolutely loved glee and rachel in particular whom she called the "ideal daughter" and at the time that made perfect sense to me because it really says a lot about her as a person
the core of those stories are generally the same, but the art and the trappings have gotten a lot better
seriously, i bought it because the hardware is incredibly cheap for what i get but the pain of buying lesser known brands is the complete inability to find good custom roms for it. sadly not every brand is as beloved by the roms community as xiaomi; i've been spoiled. if i had the time and motivation i would work on a lineage image for my current phone myself but y'know
sometimes a random person on xda forums just completely nails how i feel about my phone: "it's as if i have a hummer with a beetle carburetor"
random person on twitter saying the background music for a viral tiktok video is a red velvet instrumental when it's clearly ioi. amateurs
the scratch of stock cherry silent reds remains superior among the silent linears!
source: books, declassified documents, former cia agents and officials who literally admitted it happened
verdict: that's just a conspiracy bro
source: twitter, joe rogan, dude trust me
verdict: IT'S UNDISPUTABLE
tumblr has a new favorite tiktoker and he's hilarious. i'll still never install tiktok, thankfully he's on yt too
atla comics be like "sorry my dear girlfriend, i can't come with you back to your homeland to meet with your father and help rebuild it; zuko needs me"
am i ambidextrous? i write with my left hand because that comes naturally to me, but my right hand is pretty dominant too. i use it for spoons, scissors, and computer mice. but, i use my left hand for my touchpad, forks, knives (except when i'm also using a fork), and needles when sewing. i can write with my right hand, and it's uglier because that's not what i'm used to, but after an hour or so of doing it it pretty much looks normal. my dad is right-handed, and he says he uses his dominant hand for everything, including forks when he's eating something that only requires a fork. in contrast, spoons remain in my right hand when i'm eating soup or ice cream because my brain is just wired to "spoons are for the right hand." i think i'm mostly left-handed and i've just gotten used to using my right for things that are impossible or highly impractical to use my left, the best example being scissors. i learned intuitively as a child that scissors simply don't function in my left hand. i tried left-handed scissors once at a mall department store as an adult, and those just felt weird to me. i didn't like those left-handed arm-desks when i first encountered them in high school because all throughout my primary and elementary years, i got used to right-handed ones. mice in internet cafes are always positioned on the right, so i just got used to using them that way, and now that i use a wireless mouse and can place it anywhere i like, using it with my left hand is similarly uncomfortable and strange.
nice to have a mouse again. my hand was starting to hurt a little too much from exclusively using the touchpad
made a dark mode and i want to be able to toggle between them. it's simple but requires jquery and idk if i want to
pathologist: you seem to have this weird, persistent ideation of regenerative immortality. you've said before that the first thing you'll do is gouge both your eyes out because when they heal back you'll have 20/20 vision again, and then you'll break your spine so when that heals back your back problems will be gone. you've also said you'll take a knife down every blemished part of your face and body and carve them all out so that when the skin heals every part will be perfectly unblemished.
from a dm i sent:
i often take 5 minutes or more to write a descriptive sentence bc i can't figure out how to arrange the words in a way that all the necessary info is present but it also makes sense grammatically. all the words are out of order in my brain .-.
antis and terfs (there is a big overlap in that venn diagram believe it or not) leave all the weird cringy weeb gay trans men the fuck alone challenge: failed! they cannot BREATHE without these fuckers pulling out the "fetishizing mlm"/"het women invading gay male spaces" card. i am so tired of being portrayed in every piece of discourse as either a confused child or a "disgusting"/"failed" woman. not a woman, may have been born one but you guys really need to get over it
you think "thock" is somehow a big mystery to achieve? all you need is stacked acrylic, fuckton of foam, fr4 plate, tape mod, and your choice of a deep sounding switch like ink blacks or bobas (hint: not umwhpe)
my least/favorite quirk of all the cheapo phones i've ever owned: the partially cracked screen works BETTER for playing rhythm games than brand new/newly replaced screens. some touches just don't register on new screens, breaking my combo
GOD BLESS everyone who maintains those "x year in south korean music" wikipedia pages, y'all are more reliable, complete, and up to date than specialized wikis
pathololgist: you're always saying you don't know what you want, but you always you what you want
i've used every distro besides arch yet for all that time i still end up at the arch wiki whenever i fuck up 👌
hands down the best reply i've ever gotten on a youtube comment is "you Will be polish" i still think about it sometimes
i love text posts that have a ton of unnecessary clarifications in parenthetical asides!
are things too flimsy or do i just use too much force? i've always been heavy-handed. as a kid my mother used to call me "[deadname] the destroyer"
pathologist: also, just ask [artist] what a good [x] translation for your working title would be. it's a bit insulting that you'd run through google translate and all its competitors instead of... just asking.
pathologist: maybe instead of lamenting the perspective you do not have and thus cannot insert into or use to inform your story by having [certain historical reference] or [state of mind specific to the culture] to color the protagonists' internal monologue, you should consider that this story would never be written at all by a [x] person. it is your own cultural blindspot that allowed you to come up with this story, and a [x] would have never considered it. it can only exist if you embraced your limitations, and wrote it anyway.
the middle ground between planck length and the observable universe is the size of a single eukaryotic cell.
[scratching head] [pulls hand away] my scalp smells like blood again :| [looks at fingers] oh so it is bleeding...
the problem with doomsday preppers is they act as if the apocalypse is just a long camping trip
pathologist: in your stories, you've described magic spells as "useful practical things." the way you think about magic is all wrong, just a tool with predictable mechanical results
if you want to rot your brain as fast as possible, read comments talking about communism on hacker news
one of my favorite things is that "love [country x] from [country y]" comment but with completely wrong flags used
just realized this page looks a hell of a lot different on windows. the ice cube emojis don't show up, for one. ugh i hate booting my windows partition
my mother sees suicide and poverty as failures of character. says a lot about how i was raised really
the level i aspire to be at:
my pronouns are i/me/my. i don't talk about myself in third person, so really, which third person pronouns to use for me sound like a you problem.
every person on this earth has at least one story from their life with major r/thathappened vibes except it's actually true
pro tip for self: you don't need to say the reason for some of your squicks is "thing rankles my dysphoria" bc 1) no squick needs a justification and 2) it's pretty obvious
i think i'll just switch between that and this one whenever i feel like it, occasionally making new themes to add to the collection
yes indeed, i'm reading about the history of fascism while listening to a romcom soundtrack and drinking oversugared lemon tea. it's a normal saturday evening
where do i find classical (or romantic or baroque or etc you know what i mean) music that has a similar mood to this track i've been obsessed with? where do i even start? tchaikovsky?
i meme here and there but to be serious for once, anime dubs are generally so much better now. there's also a lot more shows being dubbed and i see that as a net positive, though i still watch subbed most of the time with only a few exceptions
my typing speed on my phone gets scary when i'm pissed. i never get incoherent but the opposite, i could bang out wordy-as-fuck, indignant paragraphs and somehow my friends manage to read all that shit, bless them
correction: don't get jaded ever. i know people in their 80s who are just filled to the brim with love for the world and kind acceptance of younger generations and i hope one day i can get over my horrible jaded-ness and become like that too
i love y'all, make sure you only get jaded once you're 50+. i'm living the alternative and i don't recommend it. be happy please
apparently i have a face that is hard to forget (though i suspect it's mostly the complexion). good thing it's covered up with a mask now ^-^
call me a bigot for this but filams DO NOT get to decide what people who actually live here are called. fuck "filipinx" forever. it's not progressive; it's insulting. it's a foreign imposition that claims to better than what natives call ourselves. filipino is gender neutral, but by insisting on that foreign term, you're arguing that the most common term is male-only, further perpetuating the "male is default" mindset we need to rid ourselves of. please, go home here once in a while to cure yourselves of that american brainrot. you want to be progressive? learn about the farmers here, the land-back movements, the environmental battles. protest and campaign against the neo-colonialist holdings of US companies here. literally do anything except succumb to the useless liberal idpol, there's so much to be done.
i've gotten better at handling her. when she asks me for money i just directly pay whatever bill she couldn't because i know it would otherwise disappear down a hole if i gave it to her, and the bills would still be unpaid. she HATES me for this, however, calling me ungrateful and distrusting when she deserves all the trust in the world because she only tells the truth (incorrect)
not sure if i want to be confided in when it comes to gender issues™ but ofc i will listen to/help anyone who asks
i just want the young people in my extended family to see me as the cool uncle who gets them nice stuff during holidays
i'll have you know, boring croc-wearing grill dad IS my ultimate long term transition goal
i never resign when i'm losing bc i swear NO ONE at my level knows how to mate with king and rook (which is the most common endgame i get)
I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS ALBUM!!! HER VOICE, HER LYRICS, THE INSTRUMENTATION, EVERYTHING 😍
i'm literally a trash player, you could beat me even with a bad opening. as long as you don't blunder anything i'll probably lose
what IS IT with people resigning once they see me play d4?? oh i'm sorry should i just play e4 as you prepared for? not my fault you don't prepare any defenses for d4 😐
remember when every non-praising non-submissive word i said to her was, according to her, because i was being puppeteered as a mouthpiece by her enemies? she stopped seeing me as a person, believed i was capable of no original thought, accused me of being possessed by the devil as a test for her every time i tried to avoid her. dad still had it worse though, probably. but also probably not because he was better at retaliating. i can only ruminate on it years later on some stupid personal anonymous webpage
everything tastes bitter. everything feels pointless. i understand happiness as a literary phenomenon
2021 is the year of having heated gamer moments while playing blitz chess
(not really, i'm too deep in a decade+ of social anxiety to be anything but unfailingly polite to even the rudest opponents. that is not a virtue i'm just pathetic)
i was her possession, a shiny doll to show to her friends for being 'smart'/'talented'/'so well behaved.' no wonder i grew drastically apart from her during my dorm years
i am an adult! i can go out and shop and queue and talk to people like a normal grownup human. i'm not an alien or robot or 7yo, though i sometimes feel like i haven't really graduated from that. i never actually learned how little freedom i had when i was young bc i never pushed the boundaries. it was only after i was already an adult and tried to act like it that i realized my mother was not willing to let me.
it's actually funny that he's so nice to me and vice versa bc we recognized each other's mommy issues on sight
just need to make sure i'm dealing with landlady's son and not landlady herself and i won't have any hassles
good news about my internet!!! it's been 2 years so i can terminate my current plan at any time and not have to pay a cent! also already confirmed the other company with a cheaper plan services the place where i plan to move (unsurprising). the rent is still more expensive but eh, i'm done with this place. soon. just need to wait for my lease to run out
it's like my heart was attuned to her voice and burst into aches and pains at a certain volume
saving to remind me of my own hypocrisy:
a fool's heart yearns for what he does not seek
mostly i want to be immortal so i could see the end of the story. observe the rise and fall of civilizations for no other reason than i want to see them. i want to know when they happen. and also the heat death of the universe, if that'll even happen
i may be suicidal sometimes but as soon as those episodes are over i really haven't accepted my own death. it's not even funny
maybe immortality shouldn't be the default for everyone but it should definitely be an option for me. forget that i'm suicidal sometimes, that isn't my rational brain. my rational brain wants immortality. or maybe it's vice versa
i remember being a kid and my mom showing me her high school yearbook, dutifully reciting everyone's names while pointing at their pictures and telling me where those people ended up. some of them, she was like "oh they're dead now, they died in..." and just very calmly recount the details of their death and i remember sitting there being like HOW CAN YOU BE SO NONCHALANT ABOUT THIS. PEOPLE YOU ONCE KNEW ARE DEAD. i was so scared of death as a kid, especially when i first learned about it. apparently i thought immortality was the default and i'd be able to observe the heat death of the universe so when i was informed that i would stop existing a long time before that, i was shocked and i didn't want to believe it.
remember when ON:E was the only concert where they didn't perform INU since its release?
all the artists on my tl are enjoying the new(?) play and you know what? good for them!
even to this day i can't do it, i can't express anger, i have to remind myself it's natural but if it is natural and i'm not capable of it, what does that make me?
you are the only one whose anger is righteous. everyone else's is evil. anger towards you is violence, thus you are the biggest and only victim. that's what you taught me
except when you're the one who's angry, then there is a good reason and the ones who are bad are the ones you call you bad for being angry or for whatever you do when you're angry
you were the one who taught me that as long as i never get angry, i never scream, then i'm not the one who's wrong
forgot the thought i had an hour ago. this is happening more often lately, need to be quicker about posting them here
youtube comment section humor: "the joke is that you know nazis are bad but i just said something implying they're good or that i agree with them" 😐
it's almost as if- i was only able to get over my wrongness complex and be normal about the wrong things
pathologist: honestly it makes sense, the obsession about being wrong and the constant self-doubt even about obvious empirical things that aren't even a consideration for most people, and on the off chance that they were wrong, it wouldn't even matter because they would only be wrong in their private notes that nobody would ever see. but it was never about other people, you just can't handle seeing yourself be wrong
writing quickly becomes unfun because my inner critic can be quite weird, i could type a single perfectly normal word in the document and it will passionately convince me that that word never existed which will necessitate me looking it up from multiple sources and checking if the etymology and meaning is consistent across them all and only then will my suddenly conjured fears about using a nonexistent word i made up be dispelled
i've tried touching grass, it didn't work. more serious outdoorsy activities are only nice until i remember i'm anemic
maybe there's nothing deeply wrong with me and i'm just wrong about it as usual, but if that was correct then i would also be correct about there being something fundamentally wrong with me
i'm fragile in the wrong places, desensitized to the wrong things, only embarrassed by the wrong things, made anxious by the wrong situations, calm at the wrong times. no matter where you look it's just wrong wrong wrong wrong
i think i've invested far too much in external/surface-level toughness that when it comes to my ideas it's like i could be daydreaming about writing the same one thing for the whole day but i see one little thing and that can just shatter it all. ugh
some people just see the most blatant, longing-for-romance 'forever alone' type characters and unironically go "wow! positive aro representation 🥰" like NO. I'M ARO. THAT CHARACTER IS IN AGONY
OH GOD I COULD'VE DONE THAT THIS WHOLE TIME AND I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD A PROBLEM WITH LINKBACKS. DAMN
one of the jp artists i follow on twitter posts a daily december 'advent calendar' which consists of one or more of their --- plushies and a cute caption treating them like little pets, stuff along the lines of "he tried to eat this chocolate but it was too big :<", "he fell into this bowl and got stuck!", "here he is tucked into bed 🥰" and i love these so so so much 😭😭😭
no, eating out of the salad bar of ideology is not much better than eating out of the trash can of ideology
i never finished my degree but even i'm not that deranged and i can extend enough empathy not to want to call people irredeemable freaks any chance i get. if you get into it specifically to belittle people then i'm afraid that is just not the career for you
genuinely i'm worried for any future patients to be had by antis who pursue a psych degree/study to become therapists. feel like they're gonna do more harm than good there
two contradictory desires:
(1) sometimes, i want to sing
(2) always, i want to sound like a man
i've forgotten so many details about past versions of the fiction, the kind of story it was always varied wildly based on the community
the pathologist is always looking at the past. the missionary, on the other hand, specializes in curating a menagerie of futures
@3 of my most respected fic authors: it was so, for lack of a better word, based of you all to also like ---- on top of -----
it's so annoying, i go and do my laundry and parts of my shirts are just inexplicably bloodstained. sometimes i backtrack and only find the wound by looking at where the stain would've come from
need to go back to my hometown, people wouldn't tolerate any conyo shit from me there which will force me to get better and improve my vocabulary again
it's just different over there, not necessarily worse. ok maybe worse. but still better than where i came from
WHO is filling my timeline with all the teuton area stuff and making me envious about all the museums they have access to and i don't
apparently i was really well-behaved as a baby and young child. how could it go so wrong?
i love talking! i think i've gotten better as a conversationalist but i could have easily gotten worse
one of my worst qualities is when i get to the peak of frustration and misery @ not being able to make stuff it can get to the point where i'm unable to enjoy other people's stuff if they're close by or are about the same topics. i can only consume poorly-executed stuff which i'll hate bc that will charge me with some sort of "righteous anger" to do better, "surely even i can do better than that." like, hate-consuming content just to trick myself out of a slump and not being able to engage with good stuff at all until i'm done with what i wanted to make and thus am capable of saying nice things about the good stuff again.
you pile up associations the way you pile up bricks. memory itself is a form of architecture.
names are weird. i have a preferred online name and i like when people call me that online but i would never want anyone irl to call me that and vice versa for my preferred rl name
i don't want to act overly familiar or like give you walls of text about my writing though
if you told the me from 5 years ago that i would hopelessly love and adore a country that does not even exist anymore and just want to know everything about it i wouldn't believe you
ill-advised personifications of things that "shouldn't" be personified. it's fun though. by fun i mean a trainwreck but at least it's funny
one of the many reasons why whatever suffering comes my way i most likely deserve <3
i should not have the job that i have, someone this fucking illiterate and stupid doesn't deserve it
i am such a fucking child, i can't read fiction in first person, it's downright abnormal
even if it ends up being more expensive i think i've suffered enough (fingers cross i don't change my mind in a week and think "suffering's fine actually")
fun fact, the toilet actually used to be so much worse during the first year after i moved in bc apparently the previous tenant was fucking flushing tissues and diapers and FOOD down there (according to landlady's son) but it clogged less bc i was regularly cleaning the bathroom
i can almost taste it. no more floods. no more random brownouts/blackouts. no more having to carry pails several blocks over when water cuts out and i have to use my neighbor's deep well. no more frequently unusable toilet
after over three years in this absolute shithole i've run out of excuses to stay here
why is three adult weeb men fighting passionately about food so fucking hilarious
the one benefit to not being able to cry or get angry is that my voice gets the most high pitched during those times so it's probably for the best because if i heard myself with a voice that high it would kill me
see, the thing that gets me about my dreams is the mirrors are always perfectly detailed and accurate
the store across the street from my apartment sells gin but that's my dad's liquor and i never liked it
the funny thing is, ordering liquor online was never even an option bc every time i'd get tempted and search up my preferred brand of cheap vodka on lazada i would feel so fucking guilty and close the app out of guilt and misery
god, remember when i was a raging alcoholic back in 2018 and earlier but especially 2018? that was a fucked up year but still, and now i haven't had a drop since quarantine started bc the 7eleven where i used to buy all my liquor shut down and i've just been too much of a shut-in to go out and get it elsewhere. it's like, having to go through the effort made me realize that a bad thing wasn't worth that effort and it just got easier to stay clean
let me tell you, i can be a VERY outdoorsy person as long as you always drag me along and never ask me where i want to go or what i want to do
honestly i feel like the canon design suits them more, both personality- and history-wise
all the fucking broken hearts with the new character reveals, i feel sorry for them but at the same time it's fucking hilarious
i'm gonna be the nicest fucking guy. no more "ironic" meanness to be edgy, this time i'll do it right. i owe it to --ng--- and S and R
making friends is the best thing in the world. shonen anime is so, so, so correct about this
my palette never really graduated from when i was 8 years old. in fact i think it got worse
sugary cereal is definitely junk food but dear god i have a horrible frosted flakes addiction and it's so expensive here so i am just here going broke to feed myself crispy corn and sugar 😭😭😭
saying i'm a fan of the manga specifically just makes people think i'm pretentious but honestly it's more like i just saw the manga first so it's the Definitive version of the story for me and everything else that comes out after will inevitably be compared. and i could never have the same perspective as anyone who watched before they read
i'm a really unfun person to talk about jojo with. when i nitpick anime vs manga pacing and art style adaptation and colors and manga-only details and other little differences and the evolution of how dp figured out how to adapt parts with the stumbles in between i say all that WITH LOVE. WITH LOVE!!! it just doesn't come across that way
re: the discourse: i enjoyed it in an irreconcilably different way than you did, and i'm not interested in hearing how you enjoyed it. just leave me alone
i'm not your fucking daughter. you don't have a daughter. you never had a fucking daughter. the fact that you can't see that is the problem
now after not so much as a peep for 2 years she's acting like everything's okay between us
i wish i didn't love her. not even because she birthed me and raised me and all her talk about how i should be grateful. no. i love her despite all that, despite everything that she did and i don't think i could truly hate her as much as i do if i didn't also love her. if i didn't think there was the slightest chance she could do better
anyway, arcane was beautifully animated. throughout its 9 episodes of 35+ minutes each, there was only one (1) single scene that lasted maybe a minute or less in which i noticed particularly cgi-y movement and it's easily forgiven bc the rest of the experience was gorgeously stylized visuals and movement
it isn't disney, or pixar, or any of the others, but apparently riot who makes me think "ah yes, THIS is what 3d animation is capable of!" sony too, with spider-verse. anime has yet to catch up, and since ghibli's venture into this was meh, the best fully cgi anime in recent memory is STILL land of the lustrous which means there's still a ways to go
just realized i can't even change my username/url because all my linkbacks to previous thoughts would break since past thoughts can't be edited, only deleted :<
dio, who is by the way canonically a lawyer, would fit right in the ace attorney universe
yes, i would prefer to be invisible, for the general public to have no idea what i am, than to be the subject of a national debate
trying to decide whether or not i should recolor this thoughts page to resemble my tumblr (◕ᴗ◕ )
maybe there's something the imitation did that the original didn't. even by pure circumstance, the imitator may have had a personal sensibility the creator didn't because they were from a different time, but a listener in the present would have because they were from the same time
i would never recommend corporal punishment to any parent, in fact i abhor the practice when used on other people, but i have to admit it REALLY worked on me. i used to be a good child when they used the belt
guuuuh i'm still fucking reeling over the revelation that g-s--- of all people likes --r--- 😭💕
to prepare for the stone ocean anime, i will of course have to reread the manga so i can spot the differences more finely 🥰
it feels like i never truly feel full or clean and i can only ever stave off hunger and filth for a little bit until i have to do it all over again. it feels like i can only continue staving them off till the day i die
i used to go to truly great lengths to prevent my mother picking fights with people. now i wonder why i ever bothered
2019 was also a crazy year but it gets completely disqualified due to how 2020 turned out
now that i think about it almost all the even number years were crazy. 2016, 2018, 2008, 2014, 2012, 2020
most days i have to find the motivation to feed myself. not exactly good revolutionary material
worldview update: i am so far to the opposite end of agitation that i am invisible
worldview update: i've gotten a little taste of what it's like not to be destitute so now i keep my head down b/c i'm afraid of losing what little i have
agreed, darling in the franxx is what happens if you kidnap a bunch of a-1 people and tell them to recreate a gainax show from memory
renewed dysphoria and misery after several months of amenorrhea, AS GOD INTENDED!
ghosts, you say? is this world so wonderful that the dead would cling to it?
bad contrast is tolerable if i can highlight the text and they haven't messed with the colors there but the tiny text that breaks the whole layout if i zoom in? now that's just too much
still, i respect her effort. there's an appeal to the kind of aesthetic she's going for. it just happens to be horribly inaccessible :'(
it's certainly- well, i wouldn't say well designed. it's certainly... designed. it's certainly designed.
i apologize to the eyes one. i was so mean to that one but that made much more sense than this. the ending of that was also not good but it kinda made sense. it was building up to it and it was following the source material, after all. temporary delusion as the ultimate explanation there made sense. whatever happened with the well one did not
IT WENT BEYOND MY USUAL FAILURE TO UNDERSTAND ALLO PEOPLE. IT JUST STRAIGHT UP MADE NO SENSE. I THINK EVEN ALLO PEOPLE WOULD AGREE THAT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. OR, MORE ACCURATELY, DID HAVE A TINY BASIS THAT WAS GREATLY EXAGGERATED WITH A FEW STEPS SKIPPED IN BETWEEN. IT HAS DEFINITELY GOT ME BOTHERED
OH GOD I FINALLY FINISHED THE WELL ONE AND THAT WAS FUCKED UP. THE EMOTIONS MADE NO GODDAMN SENSE TO ME. THE ENDING MADE NO GODDAMN SENSE TO ME. WHAT WAS THAT. BUT I'M GLAD TO BE DONE WITH IT. I AM NEVER READING IT AGAIN. EXCEPT MAYBE THE GOOD PARTS. AGH
could i be unrepentant could i be guiltless the reason as always is fear that is why i have not gone to the mountains that is why i am a traitor from the ricefields to the sewers
how beautiful. i look at the pictures and i want to embrace history and heritage not my own. i want to leave, run away, and forget. to secure that for myself and never think about what i left behind. but it'd be kinda traitorous, wouldn't it? like burying my head in the sand, or plugging my ears, or averting my eyes. it's childish. selfish. but maybe if i'd been punished more in the key moments when it mattered, these kinds of thoughts would not occur. maybe then i would've happily left it all behind, maybe i would take off and i wouldn't look back. maybe i would even be happy there
shall i pick cowboy bebop for my yearly holiday classic anime rewatch? to forget about the existence of the live action? :-)
I WISH I COULD ASK WHAT S THINKS ABOUT THAT GODDAMN SPECIAL. I NEED HER PROFESSIONAL OPINION. BUT WHEREVER SHE IS I HOPE SHE'S DOING OKAY 😭
i don't want to go back to the office i don't want to go back to the office i don't want to go back to the office i don't
the brain worm anti is fucking terrifying sometimes. an artist just got hit by the exact things my brain worm expected and worried about looking at their work. i can only hope it doesn't stifle their spirit. i would hate for them to end up like me
two wonderful artists are really out there drawing my favorite right now... i'm smiling so wide it hurts and my heart feels like it's expanded three whole sizes :')
gone are the days when i had to keep track of how long my mom was able to sleep and adjust my behavior accordingly bc there are different, contradictory set-offs depending on how many hours she slept
now that i think about it, so far, 13 year old me is still spot on about my orientation 13 years later, which is pretty funny
my laptop from 2011 can't handle any games that require more than a potato to run but that's okay bc my eyes can't either <3 symbiosis <3
my fucking migraine makes me want to commit great video game violence but i know looking at moving 3d graphics will just make everything worse bc i already can't handle those on a good day
common romance story pitfall: gives plenty of reasons for why A likes B but zero reasons for the reverse. i'm left thinking "how the hell does B not just think they're annoying/forgettable" especially if author goes through the trouble of making A really average. this can easily be solved by giving A a skill B admires them for, but they have no idea for any one of these reasons: a) perfectionist, b) passions lie elsewhere, c) insecurity. all three options give A something to work towards, too.
starting to get really good at snap-selecting the right stimuli to feed myself to manipulate my mood in the direction i want so i can do a thing. improvise, adapt, overcome 😎
the idea of "most people are _" as a basis from which to diverge is really comforting
i want to have a red summer. even though i'm still not entirely sure what that means
where was that brian eno(?) quote about first imitating the limitations of the old platform on the new one
just realized my current apartment is the longest i've ever lived in one place (3 years)
getting the brainworm anti to shut up is a work in progress which will no doubt take a long time but i believe it's possible
poly bridge is a fun and wonderful game which i enjoy greatly but would never play
new mantra: if it worked for elegy/pf in the past, i CAN make it work again. the cards one has no chance against me <3
it never ends well. a good few hundred words, maybe a thousand if we're feeling generous, but it still inevitably falls apart
i remember i used to be able to cry easily when i was a kid but i would get sleepy right after every time without fail
need to follow you so i don't lose your art again but i don't actually want you on my feed
ENVY @ PPL WHO CAN GO TO MUSEUMS AND EXHIBITS ABOUT MY FAVORITE COUNTRY THAT DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE
i also think the utility monster thing is bullshit. if it existed, why should we believe it when it says it gets more utility than everyone else? utility and happiness are not quantifiable things, the best we can do is weigh relatively and put necessity/survival over petty pleasure when there is a choice between them. i'd be wary of anyone who'd say "but i can get more use out of these resources than all these other people/i deserve it more" because that's already what the rich tell us 😐
"i'd feel terrible/dishonorable" yeah well i'd bet the 5 people would feel pretty good about getting to live another day
never understood some positions on the trolley problem. why do people act like feeling good about themselves is worth weighing against the survival of multiple lives?
for some reason i suddenly remembered how i used to bow to people all the time. mostly in apology. i'm not from a place where that's the norm, and i don't quite know how or where i picked it up, but yeah, that was a thing. weird
should really stop overcharging but i don't know when i'll next lose power ok? they don't always announce it. and really how can they when it's often birds or some shit messing with the unholy tangled mess that is the electric configuration in this godforsaken neighborhood
talking about myself to people who will say those things in response just feels worse
first-worlder just told me it isn't normal not to feel safe or comfortable in one's own bed and the fact that mine causes me immense back pain should "be addressed." no shit. think you're smart for figuring that one out?
i will NOT die with a fully wrong body. fuck you. you're not burying me like this
the fucking ovarian cysts at 12 years old which can supposedly come back and turn into full on full-on ovarian cancer were not the least bit funny either 😐😐😐
can't fucking believe there is a real possibility breast cancer is gonna nick me before i can even transition 😐
if you feel like everyone hates you, it’s time to rest… if you feel like you hate everyone else, it’s time to eat
blind-to-everything-else type military fiction is so easy to watch. there's nothing emotionally complicated about it, it's all aesthetics
once again reading about my favorite country that doesn't exist anymore. i am okay
i've fragmented so much from the impossible ideal of "one person to know all of me" that no person can ever know anything other than a highly fictionalized sliver only viewable through that aforementioned initial point of connection.
the good hellsite has recently told me this compartmentalization is good, that i shouldn't expect one person to know and handle all of me. it sounds reasonable and i agree with it in a wide sense; after all, that's exactly how i live my life. i've never been caught in the folly of allo people trying to find one partner to know all of them. but i still can't shake the feeling that maybe i've veered too far off into the other direction and something is wrong.
i wish i could be like those aro people who just have complete obliviousness to that which they are not capable of feeling. they navigate their lives as complete people and find fulfillment in their platonic and familial relationships. unlike them, i've always felt like i was missing something. maybe it's because i've never had a best friend either, and no real close friends in general. all my relationships are extremely compartmentalized and transient, just like the spaces i occupy. there is no person i could go to if i was simply having a bad day, for example, but a dozen or more people if i chose to filter those feelings and express them through my point of connection with each person. i don't get to mourn the loss of a friendship or space either, because each space and each friendship operates as if none of the others exist.
i stop making justifications. i stop editing to make it more plausible. i accept the dream-muse's story, unconditionally, with open arms
had a dream about a chess variant with two additional pieces, the vampire and the slime. the vampire is disguised as one of the 8 pawns and at the beginning of the game each player picks but doesn't reveal to the other where it is among their pawns. whichever piece captures the vampire gets turned into the opposite color. the slime, meanwhile, starts out moving one space in any diagonal direction, but upon capturing a piece, inherits its moveset. if it manages to capture multiple pieces, it inherits only the moveset of whichever piece it last captured. the slime may be placed anywhere among the 2nd and 7th ranks at the beginning of the game.
you love calling yourself an ally but you can never be one if you continue to lead these kinds of conversations. the only allyship you can ever achieve is handing over the reins
i'm above the fucking poverty line. it took me years but i fucking made it, okay? sure, i can't spend money on anything that isn't food/rent/water/electricity/internet, but electricity and internet themselves are luxuries. sure, i went from the ricefields to the sewers, but i'm still better off here. if i caught covid (highly unlikely if you've read the top of this page), i would just accept my death because i have no debt whatsoever and i would like to keep it that way. zero fucking debt - my parents couldn't even dream of that. my neighbors can't even dream of that. every time it floods here i just take it in stride because unlike my neighbors i don't have many possessions or appliances to lose and replace in the first place. i don't need your first-worlder condescension, or your platitudes. if you think i'm poor, you haven't seen poor. i'm not going to listen to you. i just speak here so i don't have to be rude to you.
open it later when it's finished. that's what you should've been doing all along anyway
consumed by the sudden urge to write for the suite again. part 3 1/2 is tricky even though i've outlined it twice already. it's a piece that has several directions it can veer off too and i'm still not entirely sure how to approach it. one thing i'm sure of though is that it doesn't end well
@ all the guys who left smitten comments on that one bwl short ver fc: i completely agree, i love you and i hope you're doing well
the funny thing is i forgot it was even happening so the reminder was a pleasant surprise
they're so hard to write but if i read about them i just end up unable to focus bc i get overtaken with an even stronger desire to write them. life ruining /s
my soul grows weary not being able to talk about them, so i'll just refer to them with glitz. that's reasonably vague
FDF 2's eldritch yukari with her lovecraftian spellcards remains superior! goddamn if that is not the most unbelievably gorgeous shmup i've EVER played
it was a rough read since the author isn't a native speaker but goddamn it i still think about no vacancy occasionally. the emotions are so potent. when i try to do that type of story elsewhere, i'm less inspired by the actual movie it is based on and more inspired by NV itself. i just love it a lot :(
the only effective line the generic self-loathing voice has ever come up with is "what if she's right"
i hate talking i hate talking I HATE TALKING. never make me speak, especially over the phone
the price of tea doubled seemingly overnight. it was a few years ago but my brain will never move on from what i feel is the correct price of tea
the part of my brain that can process values has no understanding of inflation whatsoever. everything should only be as expensive as i feel it should be
cont: korean's hard for me too. a friend (who is a native russian speaker) was hearing me struggle with korean names and said it was the transliteration that confused me. she said it was easier for her because the names sound closer to themselves when written in cyrillic, which was how she learned how to say them before she learned hangul. since i couldn't learn hangul in 5 minutes during a voice call, she did the next best thing and wrote out all the names i was having trouble with in katakana. helped instantly.
implausible but i wanna speak every language i think is beautiful, even just a little
reading spanish out loud is doable, being a native filipino speaker is a cheat for it. and i had NO problems with japanese pronounciation early on, even the 'r'!!!! but most german words in existence seem to be inaccessible for my mouth
binging THEIR old group covers both because i'm more cultured now and actually know most of the songs + because i can better appreciate the original rap parts sugamon wrote for each. sigh... they just don't do this stuff anymore 😔
lately it's never pieces i undoubtedly love and gush over that make the most impact on me but the shit for which i have feelings so mixed i almost get dizzy just thinking about them. like the eyes one :')
cont: i still follow you though because your art clears my skin, i just need to resist temptation and scroll as quickly as possible whenever you make a text post bc i know it's never anything good. for some unfathomable reason you follow me too and i don't like that
the complete opposite being: your work disgusts me but i would love to be friends with you and support you in your craft for the rest of my life
i love your writing but i would never have even a 30 second conversation with you
liking something "bad" or "poor taste" will never be nearly as embarrassing as letting yourself be bullied out of liking it
also i keep reading back my past stuff and i'm allergic to narrating it seems. this is a problem. all my longer form stuff is basically written as scene after scene after scene like a movie in text form and nothing is ever explained, just talked about or done
the hardest most annoying thing about plotting/writing long things is controlling the flow of information and keeping track of who knows what bc all my notes and worldbuilding are written in 3rd person omniscient and also i have to figure out when best to write in what so there is only ever the minimum necessary amount of info revealed and i want to tear my hair out
to understand what kind of sucky chess player i am, all you need to know is that i once threw away an easy win and made it into a stalemate because i found it so much funnier to promote 4 pawns to queen and parade them around than to mate a lone king.
sometimes my brain does a funny and while i'm scrolling through a feed made 100% of art and artists i love it will start a running narratiom detailing exactly how every single artist would have been harassed by the people who used to harass me
if i didn't leave today, right now, who knows when i would next feel this way again?
it knows about poison and traps. and i can't afford an exterminator. but it doesn't even matter because i keep my place as clean as it can possibly get but they all come from my neighbors anyway. like my next door neighbor sweeps out all cockroaches meaning they inevitably end up with me. it's maddening
i've never pronounced the letter 'w' in my head as 'doubleyou' - that is 3 mental syllables and that is too much. whenever i mentally read an acronym that has a 'w' in it i pronounce it as either 'wa' 'wi' or 'wu' depending on the surrounding letters.
both love and hate how people talking about twitter sometimes abbreviate it to tw which is the same as tw as in trigger warning. it's fitting but inconvenient for filtering
i got some really good feedback on it too! now to fight the add again and do some effective editing
it's like that wading through wet cement comparison but in my case i've been wading through it for most of my life, briefly got meds and found out what it was like to walk without the wet cement, then ran out and went back to the wet cement but it's so much more agonizing bc now i KNOW what it's like without the goddamn fucking wet cement
if i don't get these goddamn fucking words out i am getting some goddamn fucking medication again. i can't live like this anymore
it'll take some work but i bet i could make box whites sound great on an acrylic sandwich like the mw65
the dune sandworms are a lot like those giant lampreys i used to have dreams about
tangies are SUPER marbley on the mw65 with the popular mods. what are people doing. do they really like that?
SOCIO FUCKING ---- UPDATED? IT UPDATED??? AFTER 6 FUCKING YEARS!!!! HOLY SHIT I WILL NEED TO DISAPPEAR AS I CONSUME THIS
lol people really expect their precious "thock" from a fucking acrylic sandwich? gasket mount or not, be realistic
well, i finished it. the cross one. i wasn't ready on my first read, but now i finally finished it. i feel... well, i feel.
the mw65 is a comparable listing but i like the sound profile of the tm680 better
(looking at rare good tm680 lazada listing) i would treat you so well... i would tune akko cs lavenders to put inside you and they won't sound marbley at all... i'd even get some good stabs....
eating dalanghitas while sitting in the afternoon sun, i feel REALLY REALLY HUMAN :D
drank water while sitting in the morning sun again and i feel better! wilted houseplant moment
JUST WANNA TRAVEL BRIEFLY, TO 5 YEARS AGO, SPEND A BIT OF TIME WITH COMPATRIOTS BACK WHEN MY VERY VERY SPECIFIC INTEREST HAD A MICRO-COMMUNITY AROUND IT. JUST FOR LIKE A MONTH OR SOMETHING.
people often say it's hard to express the full intensity of their emotions through text but i've always felt the opposite. caps lock can make me seem quite angry, something i can't manage in real life. an emoji can make me seem like i'm crying, when i can't do that either
"they're not progressive groups; they're regressive because they're terrorists" nice FUCKING going 🙂
is it gonna be my desire to write again that ultimately makes me visit my psychiatrist after almost 2 years of silence?
Y'KNOW WHAT I LOVED ABOUT THE MEDS OTHER THAN HOW THEY STABILIZED MY MOOD? THEY GOT RID OF LIKE A SOLID 70% OF MY INHIBITIONS. I FELT NORMAL. THE WORDS FLOWED
me, struggling with 2000 words now: how the FUCK did i once manage to write 50k+ in half a year
y'all know what this means. it's also the return of gay, tax fraud-committing, internet sex symbol reigen arataka. about time
vanner's form reminds me of block b in the best way. god i miss block b :( that was the top tier idol music, pop-ifying hiphop tastefully!
(reading my past writing) this flowed so well and had varied word choice and sentence construction! and it's over 5000 words long!! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?
sometimes the gods really are highly responsive to prayers. need to play that game again
have to reorganize my hundreds of browser bookmarks every so often because the way i last organized it doesn't make sense to me anymore
how many seconds until this """historical""" documentary about a completely fake myth mentions 'nazi germany' speedrun any%
i tell people i'd rather they not mention astrology around me and instead i get three guesses for what sign i am :) :) :)
i have multiple sources of chest and back pain how am i supposed to know what this is 😭
was having some doubts so i looked up whether anemic people can even get heart attacks and apparently we're way more likely to get one? either way though i don't think this is one
you ever just listen to a song and KNOW there are gonna be at least a dozen 15k m rated oneshots titled with a lyric from it? that is the opposite of my music taste
i'm so happy that there are so many talented artists in this world because for every niche or a niche of a niche there's always at least one source of mindblowing art to be enjoyed by people who are into that, and hopefully shower the artist with love and appreciation
i'm somehow always bleeding from somewhere (mostly cuticles or back). should be red.thoughts.page :p
pathologist: except you're not rich, not even close, because if you were the first thing you'd get is the hormones :)
yeah this is what happens after being 2 years off the meds that were the only thing making my mood consistent but i can't afford them and i'm terrified of making regular trips to my psychiatrist anyway so 🤷♂️
FEAR: my apartment floods every time it rains, and i've learned how to carry my fridge without my back hurting extra for a week (and instead just hurting extra for 3 days), but i still obediently pay rent every month because prices have plummeted, with what i would have been paying having been paid for in blood by every drug user/dealer/innocent bystander shot during tokhang down the street or the next street over or right next door. and i STILL for a FACT live in relative luxury because i'm not my neighbors who have three kids and i am ABOVE the fucking poverty line. that still means success right? i crawled out of the hole i was born in and i am ABOVE the FUCKING line now. i even have internet at home, i might as well be rich. i have running water at home (except when it rains) for fuck's sake!!! that's an improvement. but these can all be taken away, i could always go back to how it was before. and so i have not gone into the mountains. and so i am a traitor.
i don't have a passport (because the biggest journey i've ever made was go from hometown rice fields to city sewers). i don't have a driver's license (despite trying and failing multiple times to get one so i probably never will). i don't have a firearm license (they say it's because of "a history of depression and anxiety" but i know it's also partly because of having joined leftists orgs when i was in college). i'm not qualified for my job (because i couldn't put myself through college anyway, you were right mom, and the only reason they haven't fired me for this long is because i've never acted out). internet is the most luxurious thing i pay for (other than electricity). and the only reason i haven't gone into the mountains after reading a hundred PDFs is my anemia and back problems- no, that's a lie. the real reason, as always, is fear.
DO I REGRET READING VLAD AND ROSA? ON MY MOST HOPEFUL DAYS I WOULD TELL YOU NO. ON MY WORST DAYS I WOULD TELL YOU YES
oh, you want to build a labor coalition? you want her to endorse labor leaders and the softest demsocs as opposed to the hardest socdems for her senate picks? you think you have some healthy pickings? you're acting as if she isn't going to hand over economic reins to the liberals as soon as she's elected? you're going to take any minuscule scrap of revolutionary momentum and reset the counter six years again? you're gonna endorse the billionaire-supported version of ubi? you have things to fall back on if you happen to get fired? i envy you. i envy you in silence and i don't speak to you because why would you listen to some terrified genderfucked anemic who can't even leave his apartment most days? why would you listen to me whinge and whine when come election day, i will still vote in whatever way keeps out of power the allies of the man who fucked my neighborhood with tokhang?
splash of cold water to remind the progressives which side our girl is really on when she intends to endorse 1 candidate at most to "represent the marginalized"
me: i just think that now more than ever, it's important to consider-
pathologist: are you reading about ----s again?
me: i am reading about ----s again
there's WPM and there's WPM while relaxed which i think is the more relevant measurement at the end of the day because even if i just got 120 that was with me pounding on the keys and not really an accurate representation of me typing in most other contexts. my relaxed WPM, on the other hand, has raised significantly from about 40-90 in the past few weeks since i started training to speed it up and i'm happy about that :) though the ultimate goal is getting a relaxed WPM of 100.
i just think the whole mindset behind "hold on i need to look something up... yeah this is funny" is a wonderful thing to be normalized
idk why but the increasingly/decreasingly verbose meme never fails to make me laugh like:
big if true
large if confirmed
humongous if authentic
back in 2016-2018 i was so obsessed with having truly grown up, i promise, for real this time, and aggressively burying all interests which did not reflect that mindset. all things "icky" and "cringe." but now in the year of our lord 2021 i have finally recognized that growing up is actually becoming relatively chill about those things and no longer stuffing away parts of myself to feel "cool"!
war worried to find an old mutual had deactivated, but she's still posting to ao3 and has an active twitter so that's a relief! we never talked but i hope she's doing well <3
never spent money on gacha yet i still have 2 pages of URs and i get to do everything i want in this game. i'm just built different 😎
sometimes i encounter a phrase like "love is the servant of chaos" and think to myself. ah. maybe i CAN understand allo people after all
i don't even know anything about classical music but i have this one 90 minute playlist i made that i love more than anything in the world
pathologist: it's true that they've gracefully tolerated your tangents thus far, but still, sticking with the story's better
pathologist: i doubt you'd have anything to say right now that would be of much interest to them
not that they already exist and are trapped. instead i think, and my experiences and conversations have proven this, they will materialize unbidden when they recognize that they have an open door to leave through
cont: and in some ways, those emails were the only record of my existence at that time and proof of the things i spent time doing. i don't like getting pictures taken of me either (surprise surprise it's partly because of dysphoria) so i barely have anything. i skipped as many school picture days as i could get away with, and volunteered to be the picture-taker in every setting and every event to avoid having to be in the picture. i once accidentally slapped a classmate in the face when they tried to take a surprise duo selfie with me. nothing with my government name on it is even online. if ever i get into some kind of accident and forget who i am, i would have nothing to remind me.
cont: and yes, i deleted everything. when i was done my mailbox had zero items. now, onto clearing out all my other email addresses
my brain for some reason can't handle substitutions in a mathematical way. might or might not be related to how i can't visualize things. but anyway, the acronym takes on a slightly different vibe than the full name. stuff like that
name a character other than marisa kirisame who is able to give intense witch and jock energy at the same time
because when media tries to do that intentionally i always feel either misrepresented, patronized, or it's just a fucking downer
i love random pieces of media that unintentionally end up articulating very-difficult-to-put-into-words aspects of the aro experience
so apparently some people were surprised about squid game sangwoo's progression? i mean, wasn't he an investment banker or something adjacent to that?? with that knowledge + what he did to his mom's shop, i saw it coming from the start
me sending my writing and friend sending their art both in the same chat convo and we aren't even responding to each other because i'm just screaming my love for their art while they react enthusiastically to my writing but somehow it still all works 👌
being "mutuals" on tumblr can be so damn weird like we both follow each other's side blogs about the same topic but we both follow FROM our mains which have nothing to do with said topic and we wouldn't even know we WERE mutuals in the first place unless we stated our main blogs' names in our side blogs' descriptions somewhere
maybe the reason i still hold out hope of my dad accepting me if i came out to him is because back when i was a kid i distinctly remember attending family reunions dressed in male cousins' hand-me-down clothes and my mom would always be annoyed about, saying she didn't like me being seen like that, how i should dress more femininely, etc. but my dad would reassure me about it and even say "how handsome."
a general concept i've always been drawn to whenever i see it is "the unreasonable has become the mundane" like you know those jokes about how fic authors will update under any circumstances, memes about youtubers cheerfully telling their audience to like and subscribe because in today's video they will be killing god, the whole subgenre/aesthetic/? of "slice of eldritch" (which is slice of life mashed up with horror or otherwise fantastical imagery). i can't pinpoint what i'm feeling when i see content of this, but sure as hell am Feeling.
remember that people go on the good hellsite to be serious about stupid media and be stupid about serious media. quit pretending you're the only sensible person in a sea of strange people
to me, a lot of people's hot takes and observations, especially about fandom, sound exactly like this:
the sky is dark today, and for some reason people seem to be convinced it's going to rain *water.* however, it could just as easily rain fire! a lot of them carry umbrellas around, but those will be *completely useless* if it happens to rain fire instead of water like they expect. these freaks are deluding themselves.
apparently the wheelchair was on sale and that's why he bought it even though he knows it'd take a while for me to visit. classic
i mean he's fully vaccinated too so he'll probably be approved for travel but THE BEACH? in OCTOBER??
it is OCTOBER and my dad just called saying he wants me to take him to the beach but also before that set up this new wheelchair he bought a couple months ago but couldn't do anything with??
pana... my dear... my love... babygirl. i am on my knees, BEGGING you to let me full combo this damn song
i just love the dialogue in touhou games so much. for example, the "how much bread have you eaten in your life?" meme was originally a jojo quote, but the way it was referenced in EOSD just goes the extra step:
MARISA: how many people's blood have you sucked up until now?
REMILIA: do you remember how many slices of bread you've eaten in your life?
MARISA: thirteen. i prefer japanese food.
not to mention marisa's line ripping on vampires slightly before that:
you're one of those, right? can't stand sunlight or smelly vegetables, or silver things. the masters of the night, which for some reason have tons of weaknesses...
little nuggets of gold in between intense sessions of getting blasted to kingdom come, that's why i love this series.
since we're just quoting random text posts today:
there is no audience to perform for, there is no approval, no admiration to attain. there is no role worth playing, there is no one to convince. let it go
from the tags op had:
progress is made by defying the instinct to beg for forgiveness for being yourself.
nothing short of my phone breaking will stop me from playing LL because my fingers have been injured and i still played it
(phone screen proceeds to break)
well that does it
should i watch squid game, which will take 9 hours and can easily be divided into three 3-hour chunks, to understand the hype... or should i rewatch the entirety of legend of the galactic heroes (120+ episodes 22 min each)?
the rearrange of septette for the dead princess on xi-on's scarlet is just SUPERIOR ugh
neighbor said she was having trouble getting a "solo parent id" apparently for some local govt benefits. didn't even know that was a thing
NO ONE can stay genuinely grassroots and be carried all the way through nationals. that shit doesn't happen. those are the limits of liberal democracy. if they want their name peddled to the masses they pick a cultural talking point, snip out the spicy stuff from their platform, and be as gently socdem as possible economically... only then will the money flow in. my girl cannot run a campaign solely on hating the current admin as bad as it is, especially while sending a 'fuck you' to the party that carried her to vp in the first place
meanwhile, another aspirant thinks he has any kind of significant support base outside ncr... he doesn't even have big money behind him, what does he think is gonna happen?
pathologist: bonk! you just did a narcissism
pathologist: bonk! you just did a reactionarism
pathologist: bonk! you just did an insensitivity
me: ok what is it this time?
pathologist: you just did a stupid
TALK TO MEEE i love talking i can talk to you at 100 wpm which i think is finally on par with the speed on my thoughts!!!!!
as you can imagine, the entire mindset surrounding that previous thought is poison for any sort of creativity, especially when you've internalized that harassment into a part of you to the point that you're more afraid of what your own mind tells you than actual harassment. every time i sit down and try to write i have to condition myself again just to feel "allowed" to do my favorite hobby. it's stupid and wild.
bizarre experiences related to the above (1/?): since i've been burned so many times before, i'm extremely careful on social media now. as in, diligently reading people's abouts/carrds/whatever for BYFs, DNIs etc. etc. if i so much as like or reshare one (1) single post from them. and the thing is, if an item from their DNI applies to me or the general vibe i get from their self-introductions is anti-ish, i'd just block to save myself from future trouble. it's not about me having trouble with the individual, but about them potentially having trouble with me.
so you can just imagine how awkward it was when i had to explain to someone that i befriended on another platform how i'd unknowingly had them blocked in my platform of choice since a long time ago, and that was why they had a hiccup in trying to reach out to me. how could i say i misinterpreted their about because i was so paranoid about being a target of coordinated harassment again?
thin well done crust
thick white sauce
four cheeses (mozzarella, cheddar, sprinkled parmesan, little blocks of cream cheese)
garlic (very finely diced, in butter)
I'M SO EASILY INFLUENCED... ONE PERSON WITH A SATISFYING ART STYLE IS ALL IT TAKES
yukika's music sounds like a light rain shower on a sunny day, especially her new song
finally getting my goddamn philsys too, no more shitty id trouble. the only flaws that will be on this card are my birth name and that little 'F' :')
today my boss will email me. instead of relying on messenger which i have no idea why they chose in the first place
well i mean they could still have their cloud overdependence but at least separate it from the stuff they know can be outside targets?
reading up... oh god this is why i hate cloud overdependence. they can't open fucking doors
now i only have to worry about looking the part so people in real life assume what i want them to assume, which is way harder :')
also, being able to straight up say what i am has freed me from that whole silly dance about "giving off the right vibes so people assume what i want them to assume."
ironically, i used the label 'non-binary' for YEARS to avoid thinking about gender. "what's my gender? don't worry about it. (i don't wan to think about it.) how should you refer to me? however you want. (but DEAR GOD i had better given off enough of the right vibes for you to assume i'm a guy.)" when asked, i always made sure to tell people "any pronouns are fine!" my logic for this was: my native language doesn't have gendered pronouns, only gendered titles, so it shouldn't be a big deal. at the back of my mind, though, i always knew one set in english was deeply uncomfortable and wrong. i just didn't get to picking apart the reason why until much later.
the word 'freak' has been completely ruined for me by pseudo-progressive modern day puritans. i even avert my eyes when i see it used jokingly by people who are nowhere near that movement because the sight of it keeps bringing me back to the worst harassment-related memories
actually need to sleep at a decent hour because i'm finally taking my second shot tomorrow/today morning!
the pathologist in my head is way more effective than any generic self-loathing voice could ever be. when i get really ignored, for example, a generic self-loathing voice would say "they hate you they hate you they hate you" which is an assertion open to question. the pathologist, meanwhile, is always at least one step ahead of that, and would instead say "why are you so self-centered that you believe they think often enough and feel strongly enough about you to hate you? why do you think you deserve their attention in the first place? can you pinpoint when in your past you went wrong and set on the path to becoming like this?"
if the generic self-loathing voice was all i had, no pathologist, then i wouldn't be depressed—because it's so dumb and robotic and predictable. it only has the same few variations of "everyone hates you" as its answer to everything. it can easily be refuted with "no they don't" or "shut up you said that already."
but there's no easy comeback to the pathologist, who frames its assertions as premises so true and obvious they are used to prompt me into thinking on ITS terms. with the generic self-loathing voice, i know it's blowing a miniscule thing out of proportion. with the pathologist, everything feels like it all ties together as manifestations of what's really wrong with me deep down inside.
the less popular configuration... of an already niche thing... that will never stop being niche... because of reasons. pain
i will never understand key + click shortcuts like... you're so close to the point, just make it a key combo
i need to brush up on my japanese internet slang because i'm just always looking stuff up now. terms change quick
never leaving this tag. saving everything in this tag. religiously following all updates to this tag. i've found my home
come ON pixiv give me the top secret forbidden ---t-- --l content the government doesn't want me to see, i KNOW i have the right tags because the entire reason i learned katakana was to understand them!
it's probably obvious but today i've been binging on local news a little bit since i felt guilty for being disconnected for so long
i'm at a loss... bb pilipinas 2021 winner is a PERFECT "girlboss" archetype. she even served in the navy......
the liberal opposition is so weak it's sad. vp running for president isn't even a sure thing - she was pretty much forced to run for vp due to that whole thing with her husband and the party subsequently strong-arming her to take advantage of the wave of public support. and once elected, she spent most of her term fending off the president's supporters who hated her, fending off those cheating allegations, and being undermined by the cabinet and most everyone else. that gives her so little momentum, and it's just pathetic to watch it all play out. i keep wondering what the old rich backing lp are doing; they have the money and they've gotten the candidates they've wanted for so long, but they're just floundering now.
even if vp runs and wins (big if), she's just gonna be another cory. she'll act the part with mostly good intentions, while shit gets privatized and regulations loosen in the background, because at the end of the day, the liberal party is the liberal party.
knowing him, he still might change his mind about the vice president thing. i want to be a teeny bit relieved he's not running, but he's gone back on his word before and still has plenty of time to change his mind. it might all be a publicity play; he did that exact same thing for his presidential campaign. not to even mention how we still have to contend with his daughter :///
also my parents are old so for most of my life i was the strong one in the house who carried boxes or full laundry baskets or water jugs or garbage bags. i remember feeling ecstatic every time i helped my dad with something and he praised me, saying how strong his child was. i loved that. i also loved doing the stereotipical father-son activities with him even though it wasn't that often. teaching me to repair and clean my bike, teaching me how to fix things around the house, stuff like that. and to a lot of people those are probably completely gender neutral things but to young me they were a big deal
i didn't even have bad dysphoria as a kid. i lived pretty much genderlessly back then. subsisted on hand-me-down clothes from my many many many male cousins, short hair, unisex nickname, free to play however i wanted. it's just puberty that ruined all that
why does spotify go to great lengths to remind me about the existence of reload's album cover after i've tried so hard to block it from my mind
i just worry about people. god wants you to stay safe. god wants you to stay healthy. god can hear your prayers at home. why would you endanger- sigh
inconvenient things about anxiety (1/?): no idea if the last time i went to the dentist and tried and failed to have a tooth removed was because of a panic attack or an allergic reaction to the type of anesthesia used. went well this time though and the dentist was unnerved by how i had zero reaction to the injections and pain in general
i don't like being under anesthesia. does anyone else have this near uncontrollable urge to mutilate yourself just because you can't feel it?
wanna know what anxiety feels like? (part 3/?): having a convo with a friend about a story idea that came to me in a dream and opening with "this probably isn't historically accurate but-"
still occasionally think of "the fratboys at ingolstadt" from that one frankenstein related post
(part ? of the name saga)
some unmistakably masculine names for consideration:
dio - greek god, rock legend, vampire. not super common (i've never met a dio irl), but easy and won't give anyone a hard time.
arthur - king, gentleman. classic. not that common in my country either, but i've met an arthur before.
tristan - knight. also the name of an important old friend. more common here than the previous two, but i've met a couple girls named tristan in school too, and that makes me hesitate.
something with a v - idk i just like the letter v. would i ever look like a vincent or a victor? maybe in 10 years...
claude - based on the nickname of a great-uncle. his used the spanish spelling (because of course it did) and ever since i was a kid i've liked his name. i also like my dad's name, but he'd never call me that.
add to these the laundry list of nicknames i've used in forums and social media over the years and i'm still nowhere close to deciding >.<
in two weeks i finally won't have to keep ticking my age on bios anymore, just put 25🡡 and be done with it forever
i've said this before but cleaning manga is 90% patience 10% problem solving. there are often little shortcuts, but for the bulk of it, it's really just the endless tedium of zoom, clone, make sure it looks right.
thought about typesetting all these pages absolutely littered with SFX. optimism gone
speaking of IDs. one day i'll grow a beard and do the same thing as that one tumblr post and just say the little 'F' was a typo and they will also tell me "oh sorry sir, we'll fix that right away" ☺️
grrr i ALWAYS have trouble with IDs because i have neither a driver's license nor passport and philsys is taking too fucking long. like if they were gonna have an ID picker why not include all the most common IDs? comelec or BIR should BE THERE
i didn't even enjoy that overall since the point was so clearly to make fun of the girl and i found it a bit mean-spirited but just. that one scene.
why does that one old movie about this wife who could only cook fried eggs and had this scene where a supportive friend taught her to make ginisang monggo to surprise her husband and she did everything as instructed but due to the wording it didn't occur to her that she had to wait for the monggo to cook and therefore soften so when she served it to the three other people they all crunched on the raw monggo at the exact same time just. live in my head
remember that time i spent an hour cleaning out all the SFX from a page only to realize i didn't know what half of them meant so i just ended up keeping them all because translating half would just look ugly?
solved: english does not have a word for it. multiple words are needed. this is gonna be hell to typeset
@ manga i'm translating: I KNOW WHAT THIS WORD IS IN TAGALOG. THERE IS AN EXACT WORD FOR IT AND I KNOW IT. BUT I NEED THE ENGLISH WORD FOR IT AND NO MATTER WHAT TOOL I USE I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT
after trying and failing many times to perfect a chart using my strongest, most optimized cards, i randomly beat it using a mediocre, un-optimized set while i was just messing around. not funny, game :|
present cause of exhaustion: seeing ooooooold far-right takes but covered in pastel bows and dipped and glitter and so many young people are falling for it.
re: creators ended up landing more on the mediocre side but i still occasionally think about the implications of mamika as a character
last thought just looks like petty senseless whining but twitter would take that so seriously. i can only say that here
just for the record i didn't even want that coldplay collab. i never wanted a coldplay collab. i was okay with their last cover since it was just them even though i could not care less for the original song. there's 3 months left in 2021 and all they've released are english tracks. not a word about an album or even ep (presumably to the relief of everyone else competing in mama), but i'm not even complaining about how long it's taking. i would honestly prefer they release nothing this year rather than an english-only album/ep. nj promised, he PROMISED they wouldn't cave to the pressure, and for the past almost 4 years they have kept that promise but now i'm getting worried. i don't want more western collabs, i don't want an english album, but it seems they've simply outgrown me as an audience member.
maybe if i grow a beard i can get away with long hair without being timepieced on sight
need to save this somewhere prominent so i can remind myself of how i work and prevent unnecessary future self-loathing over it lmao
lol buying this $15 pen tablet has been the fanciest and most unnecessary purchase of my year. so happy to have it though. (advanced) happy birthday to me :)
i see. if that was the intent, tech-wise, then it makes perfect sense for everything to be in a single page. i was thinking in terms of blogs, but i quickly realized how complicated that can get.
cont.: or even worse, spaces have become enveloped by this cloying fake-sweetness where you can just smell the smoke underneath. the moment you mess up, the candylike facade cracks, and before you know it, you've been burned by a searing hot metal brand
reading through some scanner's old tumblr blog to try and find their retranslation policy and i'm close to sobbing at all the nice asks and anons the owner used to get because the language and attitude and pure, free-spirited fandom fun all feel like they're from a completely different area. social media, at least the tiny portion of it i've experienced, has become a battleground. everyone has become so cautious, or combative if they've been burned before
if this ends up being a thing, i just realized i'd wanna set up some kind of search too for easy cross-referencing and if there will be that then i might as well have indexing with tags and— that isn't the point of this place, huh.
fervently sending support in hopes that yet another creator whose work i adore doesn't get bullied out of making the stuff they love. instantly accessible, aggregated harrassment is one hell of a drug
i wonder what it would take to implement pagination for thoughts.page. or is that just a bad idea from the get-go? the links system for individual thoughts would have to be changed, right?
the first manga i scanlated from start to finish is a perfect display of my pace for doing hobby projects:
start with a week of obsessive, nonstop work whenever i can grab a sliver of free time. set up the system for how i'll do things, and get out of the way all the repetitive preparation work to smooth out the rest of the process. 3/7 chapters completed (since it's just a single volume) and posted within days of each other.
spend the next week obsessively checking for and fixing mistakes. 4th chapter completed and posted with edits to previous chapters. same thing for the week after that, ending up with the 5th chapter posted.
while working on the 6th chapter, realize major mistake in my process and the decisions i made during the foundation phase and re-edit EVERYTHING. 6th chapter completed and posted with the edits two weeks after the last.
motivation steeply drops off. stop working on it for a whole month. revisit 7th chapter (more of an omake than anything) out of guilt a few times within that month but ultimately fail to work on it because there's some dialogue and narration i can't seem to grasp how to translate and ugh why bother, i'm stupid so i'll never be fluent in japanese anyway.
after over a month has passed, look at my todo list of future translations and be gripped with a desire to translate this new thing that is so potent and overpowering it fuels me into revisiting the first project and just powering through it with gritted teeth, finally understanding those difficult bits of text through sheer will. 7th chapter completed and posted with, since i couldn't resist, more edits to all the previous chapters.
all in all, it took me 10 weeks to do a single volume of manga.
feel blissful and accomplished for exactly five (5) minutes before opening up that new project i want to translate and subsequently sink into despair when i realize i'd have to clean a whole manga's worth of SFX again :')
wanna know what anxiety feels like? entering any significant correspondence i write into a readability calculator before i send it, and adjusting accordingly because i'm THAT afraid of being misunderstood
additionally yes, clicky switches are my favorite type of switches.
yes, i hate the sound of clicky spacebars.
yes i exist
yes, SA is my favorite keycap profile.
yes, i hate the sound of SA spacebars.
yes, people like me exist.
"wow, i didn't know you had a lot to say about this. how do you have such a developed opinion on it?" 1 year hyperfixation
my anxiety isn't "regular people's worries, but intensified to the point that it's disruptive." it's more like "worrying ONLY about the wrong things"
i am going to translate WHATEVER i want! provided i look at the dictionary every time i doubt myself which happens about once per 5 seconds
"you're good at this. ever considered being a marriage counselor?" thanks but i spent a decade distancing myself from the institution of marriage so now that i'm out there's no way i'm going back 😊
on one hand, quarantine has cured my alcohol problem and i haven't had a drop for 1 3/4 years but on the other hand, i haven't gotten my prescriptions for just as long which means no meds at all which means mood swings have had free reign 24/7
i'm never spending half a year's salary on a board whose only possible sound profiles are "so hollow you should've just bought a cheap prebuilt and modded it" or "finally got rid of the hollowness but now it's just an inferior jelly epoch"
sometimes i think "maybe i just need a girlfriend" but then remember i'm never gonna turn allo and what i really need is a support circle
i don't want to say my voice "ruins the illusion" because it's not some kind of trick of the light. it's the truth. the voice is the illusory part.
just remembered i'll have to make a phone call today... ugh. i hate phone calls. voice calls in general suck with very few exceptions. i hate only being perceived through my voice. it's the one part of me that is the most misaligned. i can't lower it. i can't do anything to it unless i commit to the whole process, which is scary and expensive.
while agonizing over not being able to suss out what a subtle yet wordy character's narration means: "I HATE TRANSLATION"
after finally figuring it out: "DEAR GOD I LOVE TRANSLATION. MAYBE I CAN BE FLUENT?"
oh god... what if it's all that llsif that's making me type faster? since the way i play that game is basically the exact same way i type. cursed thought
i occasionally rewatch that video of the plushie playing proseka. it's theraputic
saw the pic and — ohh. i wasn't seeing that on my laptop either so i had no idea. thanks for the help! ^_^
nothing will ever top the experience of hearing perfect cherry blossom's soundtrack for the first time </3 wish i could wipe my memories of that game and play for the first time again but i'd probably die a lot since i'd lose the patterns i memorized :p
teddy park is a native level english speaker and his most frequent collaborators are also either native level or native speakers so i KNOW they can do better but the lyrics that get made for the girls always sound like strangely worded parodies of us pop-rap. especially the rap verses, those are like a fill-in-the-blanks grabbing from a word list generalized from chart-toppers of the past 5 years or so. it's hard to describe but these lyrics always put me off.
done. still doesn't look any different to me though. where does this show up?
oops. i know barely anything of html/css so i'm not entirely sure what that refers to? shifted some values but things don't look any different to me. i'm almost always on mobile though, so there could be something i'm not seeing.
i just want to reach through the screen and type on people's keyboards in sound tests. maybe this is the signal for me to go to my local mall tech store complex again lol. but i don't wanna be a public health hazard so i'll need to wait for restrictions to officially relax. i'm vaccinated, but that doesn't mean i can't spread it apparently so better be on the safe side
i LIKE the scratchy switches. i don't wanna lube their scratchiness away. this is why i like cherry reds, ESPECIALLY cherry silent reds since little sound remains but the scratch. i like the feel of some scratch too. i don't want that overlubed smoothness. there's something satisfying in the unrefined sound of a stock switch like silent reds. it's for this reason that silent blacks aren't as good, in my opinion
in other news, i long to build a keyboard that reminds me of the afternoon sky in my hometown <3
i've had so many names across the years and i still have never settled on one long term. but now that legally changing is finally on the table for me i think i have to meditate on this a while longer
one of the first things i did when i was still new to the internet was pick a name that sounded more like me. something neutral because back then i was still afraid to pick something masculine. but now i want something unmistakably masculine, something that registers as quick as a snap of a finger in people's minds and doesn't give them space to doubt
am i allowed to double up? triple up? some people have three names right? but since my surname and middle name are both long that'll just be a documentation nightmare. i can imagine making so many people's spreadsheets look ugly. i can imagine that thing happening where the spreadsheet cell cuts off part of the text in it and if someone's in a hurry they'd never even know a word was missing and i can already the inconsistent documents giving me trouble when i have to verify my identity somehow. one name it is. so hard to pick though
sounding out different names, all with significance, unable to pick a favorite :<
found this old thing while cleaning out my notes app and it made me chuckle. enjoy
youtuber: ok i'm gonna play touhou
youtuber: people say it's hard though so i'm scared!!!
youtuber: ok let's jump right in, lunatic mode
youtuber: i didn't look it up before downloading this so i'm going into it blind
youtuber: [[[plays a bullet hell shmup on the highest difficulty without learning the controls]]]
youtuber: OMG THIS IS SO HARD I KEEP DYING
youtuber: HOW DO I DODGE THE TIGHT BULLET PATTERNS
youtuber: this game is impossible. screw this i'm quitting
youtuber: i have no idea how people clear this game. must be sorcery
i can only hope it makes for good entertainment for people not familiar with the games?
happy to say that recently i've been on the path to regaining the typing speed i had in my teenage years! i think i peaked at ~110 wpm back then, but for the past few years i've only been averaging at 70-80. today, though, it seems i've climbed to the 90-95 range :D i still have yet to learn touch typing though :p i don't really look at the keys but i mostly use my index fingers still lol
re: rodeoflagellum's question about themes and fonts:
as someone with moderate nearsightedness and astigmatism, i can tell you that light-colored serif fonts on really dark backgrounds are noticeably blurrier for me at first glance, and i have to take a moment to really look at the text to know what it's saying. using a near approximation of black (#080808 or #111111) as opposed to a pure black background (#000000) usually helps with this, as does increasing your body text size. however, for dark text on a light background, #000000 is better.
if you're interested in webpage accessibility in general (which you seem to be), the w3c a pretty good resource about contrast here. i hope you find it helpful. they also point you to a tool for testing different foreground/background combinations to see if they may be inaccessible for some - very useful for web designers.
personally, and i can't speak for anyone else, i find monospace fonts the easiest to read and that's why i chose to use them in my own thoughts.page theme. my process for deciding how to style this page was mainly looking between my phone and laptop to see if it looks good on both since i use this site on my phone a lot. the colors, on the other hand, are purely an aesthetic choice - copying the keycaps of a mechanical keyboard i like very much :)
i'm never buying a keychron. with them it's always one little tradeoff after another until i've accumulated a pile of dealbreakers
oh never mind, that was the case a few days ago but now it's back. good to know i can obsessively tweak things 200 times again :)
the joy of recognizing an artist whose art style you know from one platform, in another platform <3
it's amazing how much freer and safer i feel in places like this site and pixiv. so basically, places where i either get no engagement OR english isn't the dominant language. i can say what i want and express my love for things without worry of being targeted or anything nasty like that. it's such a pleasant experience to be left alone. japanese fandom in general has been very nice to me
why yes indeed, the color scheme of this page is meant to copy a certain keycap set i love very much <3
i'll never forget the first time i got to try buckling springs. they're still the standard
OBSESSED with this one reporter's tone on the news tonight. the way she said "a recent study has shown face shields have some effect in lowering transmission rates" was so disappointed it sounded more like "to our dismay, there's some evidence that face shields help"
i'd rather tread on the side of not enough foam than too much. sucks out all personality from a board
if i was REALLY being honest, and did not have to worry about how long it would take to lube + film switches, my ideal layout would be a 96% compact with the numpad on the left. if someone, anyone, made a keyboard like that it would be a dream come true
what i really mean is... i want muse red and pale pink and aqours blue and white keycaps. with the modifiers having the girls' faces on them. and maybe the space could be a group photo. photos would of course have to be taken from LLSIF cards. i want the tackiest anime girl keyboard but i would still think it's the classiest
the prices for custom keycaps are honestly ridiculous. i wish there was some kind of standard for modding your keycaps after getting them. stickers? and don't even get me started on artisan keycaps. expensive, inaccessible, doesn't ship to my region and if they did the shipping prices would be MORE THAN THE PRICE OF THE THING. madness
do not understand the appeal of coiled cables. i hate them for my headphones and i hate them for my keyboard. i hate them everywhere. i WILL heat up the wires to straighten one out, every single time. braided cables on the other hand should be the standard by now
the last time i loved something, was truly head over heels invested and inspired to gush and share and create my own things, i had a dream that probably lasted a few minutes in real time but to me felt like many many many long hours. what i dreamed up was a detailed youtube-style documentary, hosted by myself, in which i went into excruciating detail about everything wrong with that thing i loved. all the knowledge i had accrued over the course of this past several-months-long hyperfixation --- spit back in my face and used to prove that i was disgusting and irredeemable for daring to regard that thing with anything other than disgust and condemnation.
i think that's the reason why i don't really care about what other people say. the obsession around other people being my "haters" doesn't much make sense to me because there is nothing they could ever EVER say that would match the sheer in depth, methodical vitriol that only my own dreams could muster. insults from others don't mean much because they can't even fathom the extent of what i know is wrong with me. what only i can know is wrong with me.
so i'm a little more cautious about loving things now. not because i fear what other people might think. no, it's because i sometimes live in fear of having a dream like that again.
i'm so good at compartmentalizing that each online space i occupy displays an irreconcilably different fragment of myself compared to every other space. and in each space, i act as if every other space doesn't exist, always a different identity. look at this page, everything's about keyboards. i seem like a whole person with consistent interests and concerns, don't i? but sometimes something slips through the cracks and i wonder if this is healthy.
against my better judgment i keep watching sound test and in this one video i just... please... no matter where you are i will personally come to your house and clean your keyboard. box jades do not deserve to be treated like that
(sees u4 silents in stock)
"oh sweet, i'd love to get some. i can't right now though, but i'm sure soon-"
(u4 silents sold out)
"damn ok, maybe i'll get a regular tactile after all-"
(u4 silents back in stock)
"wait really? aw but this listing is pretty overpriced-"
(u4 silents sold out again)
// repeat 17x
getting an rk68 where i'm from is basically a lottery because on one hand i might win at life and be given gat reds but on the other hand i might end up with outemu blues... i love it here, third world quality is having my local big ecommerce sites have zero guarantee on what switches i'll get exactly
(before first experience lubing switches)
"96% compact is endgame!"
(after first experience lubing switches)
"65% is endgame!"
i will never understand the appeal of low profile switches. you escaped laptop keyboards, you got out of that cage. WHY would you want to recreate it
to truly stress this point once and for all- i would take stock gat yellows over the very specific fuck-up of making them marble-y via tuning. i would take stock nk creams at their scratchiest over a marble-y configuration. and the "spray paint can" holy pandas... are on thin fucking ice (except the spacebar, i love that spacebar)
just remembered this but- s76 offering the launch keyboard with box jades as the default switch is the epitome of taste. if only it wasn't horribly expensive
one time i got REALLY lucky and caught a niz plum 68 at a mall tech store for some reason. to this day i still have no idea how they got one of those and why in god's name they were displayed half a shelf away from r*zers. i got to try typing on them and while i'm iffy on the sound (especially the spacebar, always with the spacebar), they felt wonderful. i ended up not buying them because i didn't have the money at the time, but man do i think about that day a lot. especially now that i'm in a less tight spot financially, but when i check online, this board is nowhere to be found in any store that ships for reasonable prices in my region.
second to last post was mostly a joke... it is honestly an achievement to be able to make gat milky yellows sound marble-y. (that is why i like them so much in the first place!) yet some people still manage the near implausible and ruin one of the best value linears out there. sigh
the worst thing about having online shopping be the only option is i CANNOT know how thick [clones of popular expensive keycaps sets] are. and the ONE THING these keycap set clone makers most often skimp on is thickness, which is the only thing i'm after
gat milky yellows my beloved... i won't lube you the same way a lot of highly opinionated redditors and youtubers do... i won't make you sound marble-y at all... i will make you sound perfect... come here i'll treat you how you deserve to be treated
i'm actually not into the empty space on full size boards, tkl boards and even 75% boards like the gmmk pro (though i have to admit the gmmk pro does this better than most others). some 65% do this too which is just like why... the entire point is to be compact, those gaps to separate some keys are just ugly
fantasizing i could afford to build a foamless tofu 65 with momoka frog switches, genuine durock stabs, and those dye sub xda matcha keycaps (the version with the hiragana legends of course). frogs actually seem pretty nice stock and are one of the few linears i like but i'd put a thinner lube if i had the patience for it
OH diamond linears are another marble-y one in a lot of configurations i've heard. however, there have also been a couple where they didn't sound like that at all and i actually liked the sound
no matter how many sound tests i listen to, i cannot see the appeal of zykos and a lot of its "clones." they have this almost marble-y sound that i can't stand, especially at the start of the upstroke. there's this brief high pitched fragment of sound that's similar to what you get by knocking two marbles together. i've always hated that sound when playing marbles as a kid. the board and keycaps probably play a larger role, and indeed i've heard some linears that sound like this as well, but the worst offenders were configurations with zykos, holy pandas, and akko CS switches.
i realized this mech thing might be getting out of hand when i was changing a lot of my WM shortcuts to stop depending on the function keys so that i could feasibly use a 65%
why is it always the switches i don't like the feel of that have the best sounding spacebars 😭
the tofu really is made to make linears in low profile keycaps pop, especially if you go all out with the dampening. if you expended the money, time, and effort to make heavy tactiles in high profile caps sound good on a tofu, i admire your dedication and will — but i feel like this board tolerates tactiles at best. the linear people are so lucky.
clicky SA spacebars never sound good, which pains me because i love clickies and SA is my preferred profile
i go to mechanical keyboard youtube
i reassure people about their switch choices, but criticize their spacebars
that's all, folks!
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