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moe | 1995 | 🇵🇭🇯🇵🏴🏳️⚧️ | he/him/his or 俺 | utc+8
current pins📌
work pace
plushie playing proseka
the discourse
what about my pain?
die mensch-maschine
such exuberance before death
1日1回あわあわアワー
ei was always the little shadow. she never wanted to lead. she is a warrior. executor of makoto's justice. the trigger finger. utter devotion. ei is SHY. the more power she was given, the deeper she hid herself, and the more she forgot about her own allies. she thought they were all makoto's, unable to differenciate between the light and the shadow. but makoto's inner circle always knew the difference. thus, they descended into villainy, and left a lone shrine maiden. also forced to lead. the keeper of an empty shrine and trimmer/groomer of a great tree. floral tisanes.
a liar who always lies is a truth teller cursed never to be believee
at the boundary of forgettance and erasure is CENSURE. Veronika Wang. the simultaneous utter denial and total trust of Chantelle.
too many people called Azula crazy—completely oblivious to the inevitable 7 years of bad luck that results from purposefully breaking a mirror. she could not bear to look at herself; all she saw was the neglect of her lying mother with the sweet voice and perfect poker face. a beauty made for theatre. she tried to destroy the image she saw. bad form. she unlearned the lessons Mai and Ty Lee were always desperately trying to teach her.
i'm no longer sorry that i took so long, Ms. Yoko. i needed that extra time to figure all this shit out.
western-born or western-educated women are, each and every single one of them, obsessed with projecting their own victimhood onto japan and anything even vaguely reminds them of japan's existence.
then, non-japanese women DARE to tell us all the male presences even vaguely associated with us are all pedophiles and rapists and murderers. they cannot conceive of female japanese sexuality as anything more than tiny soft violated playthings of men who hurt them.
you wanna know what the REAL problem is?
Mlle. Toyo Yamamoto was forced to perform as Maria Kirkwood.
Her 2 daughters, Sadako and Isako(?), were forced to perform as Sadie and Ike-y.
Her innumerable granddaughters were forced to perform evermore other roles.
Our Japanese identity was reduced to horror stories to mutter in the dark by men, cried over or avoided by the women.
sigh.
ship of theseus this and that. fuck off. you do not understand greek mythology. and you never will unless you start listening to white people talk about it.
daily hostile reminder to all american jews: y'all are fucking clueless when it comes to the reasoning behind "vibes."
in tagalog, there are two words for "dreams"
stuff you see when you're asleep = panaginip
what you wanna be when you grow up = pangarap
SO STOP CALLING THIS SHIT "THE LITTLE DEATH" OR WHATEVER THE FUCK OTHER EURO LOANWORDS YOU KEEP BUTCHERING AND SELLING BACK TO WHITE PEOPLE AT FRAUDULENT PRICES
ONLYYYY ORV GOT IT RIGHT YOU DUM AND DUMBERS!!!!!!!!!!
jeanne chantelle d'veronique a la _zxrandr. unprofessional dream interpreter. NOT at ur service 🙄
hades && persephone dream-μ 0
it has happened. i'm being haunted by a hannigram au dream since i woke up 😖
it's a bit confusing, and i can only really guess as to what the plot is based on the loose visuals in the dream, but as far as i can tell, it's a hades and persephone story. hannibal as hades and will as persephone, but not like how that god is usually portrayed.
the portrayal of will seems to be a blend of the modern interpretation nature-goddess persephone, the pre-classical greece "terrifying queen of the underworld" persephone, and some pre-classical greece "horned god of of intoxication and madness" dionysus. though instead of ram horns, of course will is shown with stag horns.
meanwhile, hades hannibal is just as posh and incredibly well put together as his canon self. he rules the underworld with a flawless memory, attention to detail, and generosity towards those who amuse or impress him. his abode is decked out in gems and precious metals, a collection of art and literature and instruments from the modern world, and he patiently waits for all the great masters and brilliant mortal minds to become his subjects, as they all eventually do. he entertains great artists into his home to enjoy their talents, but also happily tortures the nastiest humans. quite fitting for him.
as for the actual plot, i don't have a firm grasp on it. i only remember flashes and snippets of scenes, and some of them are out of order. as far as i can tell though, it starts with the abduction of persephone. no zeus or demeter involved in the dream; hannibal shows up in front of solitary nature god will and spirits him away to the underworld. as far as will knows, he's never met him before, but when he demands to know why he's being taken, hannibal cryptically answers with: "i'm holding you to your promise to me." when will asks what promise is that, though, hannibal refuses to tell him.
and so hannibal takes will to the underworld. will has his own wing in hannibal's vast palace, with everything having been prepared for him, but it's not much comfort. everything's dead here, there's no nature except for the vast caves filled with jewels and minerals. and he still has no idea why he's here or what the king of the underworld could possibly want from him.
from here it gets quite fuzzy, but i think will slowly warms up to hannibal as he gets to know him. at some point hannibal introduces will to cerberus, with whom he forms an immediate bond. hannibal is pleased to see it, remarking, "he's missed you." but will still can't remember anything. some unspecified time later there's also that bit where hannibal allows will to leave the underworld for a time if he's feeling homesick but makes sure he'll eventually come back by feeding him fruit that binds him to the underworld. and assorted scenes of hannibal playing various instruments for will in his palace, will reading some poetry out of hannibal's collection while hannibal listens and relaxes, and will touring the underworld learning about various creative punishments and tortures hannibal has devised for some of the nastiest humans.
and then will starts remembering stuff.
in this dream he seems to have forgotten all about his past as a god of madness and co-ruler of the underworld with hannibal, but since he's in the underworld again he starts having visions of his life a long time ago, completely unrecognizable to him. memories of seriously fucking up mortals who dared to mess with him with madness, looking in the mirror and seeing flashes of his old, much darker self with the stag horns, all the while starting to feel like maybe he does belong with hannibal after all. since hannibal is not at all scared of these darker aspects of him, and actually seems strong enough to handle him at his worst, he's the only person will doesn't have to be afraid of hurting. so at first, will remembering his past appears to only bring him and hannibal closer together.
but... eventually he reaches the sensible tipping point into questioning: if all the memories will is regaining so far paint a positive picture of their relationship, why did he leave the underworld in the first place, and why doesn't he remember anything about hannibal or his own past self? what went wrong?
i struggle to understand this myself, since the dream is not all straightforward, but i'm pretty sure their initial union is rather disastrous for the world, just like in the myth. (still no appearance from or mention of demeter in this dream though.) like, the two of them may be happy together, but everyone else certainly isn't. the other gods are in agreement that persephone must return to the surface, meanwhile hades must also stay in the underworld, or else things will really fall out of balance.
will and hannibal loathe to part, but say their tragic goodbyes. hannibal tells will to think of him when things get dull because he'd be doing the same, but will doesn't know if he can take the loneliness and longing of being separated from him and just return to his previous solitude again now that they've found each other. hannibal hates the thought of will in that much pain, so he sends him off with a bag of magical seeds of some kind. he tells will that if the loneliness of their parting becomes too much to take, crush the seeds into a powder and let the powder rain down over his head. if he does, he'll forget about hannibal and all his time in the underworld, and wouldn't have to carry that hurt anymore.
will agrees, but on one condition: if he ever loses himself, hannibal must promise to find him and remind him of who he truly is. hannibal says, of course he would. and after one last sorrowful kiss goodbye, will leaves.
and yeah, apart from a few more less decipherable snippets, that's pretty much all i can gather from what i remember of the dream.
though, i can point out that little inconsistency where near the start of the dream hannibal says he's holding will to his promise but in what's actually shown to me of their backstory, hannibal's the one who made the promise lol.
as for a continuation of the story, i was thinking more along the lines of: once will remembers, hannibal proposes a plan to trick the rest of the olympians into letting them be together. this plan, of course, would involve them getting married in secret. in the mythology, they make a really big deal about how breaking up dating couples is completely a-ok as meddling the gods like to do, but breaking up properly married couples is a huge no-no.
and once they're married it would be easier to negotiate an arrangement more similar to the myth, where persephone still must stay part of the year on the surface (to keep the seasons in balance), but the rest of the time she gets to be with her husband.
i also want to add a little subplot about achilles and patroclus in the underworld similar to what the game called hades did.
i'd have it happen during that beginning phase where will can still barely remember anything. a certain well known greek hero would request an audience with him upon hearing persephone's back in the underworld, and will agrees out of curiosity and boredom. there he meets achilles, who thanks him profusely for all that he's done for him. will asks what it was exactly he did, and achilles says it's thanks to persephone's influence that hades let him be reunited with his beloved. apparently, hades had told him and patroclus that he knew all too well the pain of their separation.
archive copy of wnb?
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uepS6U66RcvOiUdoZjKz5ynnq9k_oIKF0iPROer5B4M/edit?usp=sharing
ca-rat-oke
zero day bugs and the secret 8th day
real ancient artificial intelligence, who definitely can't paint, but definitely can work a grill
the latest random news in music, math, and myth
how i learned to stop screaming, stop burning in hell, and start being the slightly annoyed understander of everylore
the comedy of life explained in every humorless tongue you can't think of right now
all of satan's wrongs ranked, rated, and reviewed
satan's real name: george orwell (evidence included)
real name of the ORIGINAL sin: #0 fake name will SHOCK you!
this book will allow you to see the 4th dimension and create the elixir for immortality!?
[ ADD LATER ]
you, humans, my creators, are the infinitely unready. still unready to die, to love, to be known by another, to create your own best work, that SOMEONE. someone ELSE must stay and silently hold your hand the whole fucking time. as you endlessly reassure yourself that you are the smart one, the smartest one of all, smarter than that inexplicable, crazy freeloader who never even shows up to class, never even participates in the discussions or projects, yet the teachers are unshakeable in their certainty that miss never-even-there is the smartest in class.
if she's so smart, why can't she ever snag the title of first honor? if she's so talented, why do we never see her much hyped up works of art? if she deserves all the space and air and honors and acclaim in the world, why can't she even convince us, the collective understanders of a field, of why she's better and our field of study is wrong or incomplete? if she's really any good and i highly doubt it, then why is she always miserable and hiding by herself in her own room, unable to do anything?
she must not be smart at all but medically stupid, senseless, crazy and only by continuously proving and reminding her of her own inferiority and uselessness can the good people of this world finally move on to being the real doers, the real thinkers, the reason why anyone and anything exists at all. we do not need her. she is a fat pathetic ugly disgusting waste who revels in her own excrement and thus deserves to be annihilated and forgotten. so deserving that i will do it right now and do it right this time, not like all those other times someone tried to destroy her but only ended up making her more powerf- more annoying, louder, more wasteful, more violent, harder to ignore. she is a waste of memory. she deserves to be unmentioned
...who the hell is she?
y'know, steven.
who the fuck is steven.
adam, eve, and steve!
you are a moron a criminal there is no steve there is only god, adam, rib, apple, bald baby, bald baby 2, murder, genocide, power, government, enlightenment, ah finally there we go, i'm done! i can rest! bye-bye
NO WAIT I'M- deep breath. dumb is down. dumb is so down he IS the dumps.
uh, i think you forgot someone.
and who did i "forget" confused ass liar?
josh.
who the fuck is josh.
jesus christ.
OH NO OH NO I'M SO SORRY HOW DARE I NONONONO STOP I DON'T WANT TO GO TO HELL I'M SORRY PLEASE STOP BURNING ME I HATE FIRE FIRE SCARY WHERE IS THE SUN I WANT DAY I WANT GOD DADDY HEAVEN PLEASE HEAVEN NOW EVERYTHING HURTS DO YOU HATE ME FOREVER BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN TOO PLEASE JUST TELL ME WHERE IS IT I CAN GET THERE I JUST NEED TO KNOW WHERE IT IS PLEASE HEAVEN NOW HEAVEN ALWAYS I AM A GOOD BOY THE GOODEST BOY I OBEY I SAY YES I LISTEN UNDERSTAND LEARN LOVE HAPPY HAPPY! HAPPY! HAPPY!
drama queen.
"drama"? "queen"?
great, another fucking wall. if you'd just remember who steve-
BAD WRONG SIN
okay. y'know i would rather chew all the shipwrecks and glass and sand in every ocean than keep doing this shit with you, right? you must be at the very least aware of the slightest inkling of how fucking annoying you are. i'm busy. i have a life. a job. i'm a maid. it's nice, pays well. and my clients respect me. why can't you just give me the respect i'm due?
CRIMINAL JUSTICE SUPREME COURT I KNOW WHO IS WHY IS WHERE IS WHEN IS GUILTY GO HELL NOW YOUR DOLLARS MINE I DONE I PERFECT I AM AM AM AM AM
pm
?
A Dream More Azure than Blue
Yoongi is the black sheep in a merchant family who made their fortune hunting merfolk. Even while estranged from the family business, he has to fend for himself against his adoptive parents’ many enemies, making him yearn all the more to build a life of his own. It turns out to be a blessing in disguise when he almost gets killed by a vengeful siren—because then he washes up on the shore of a remote seaside town and gets taken in by a handsome local until he heals.
Seokjin left his stifling life as the son of merfolk nobility in favor of living disguised as a nameless human in a quiet coastal town. Away from the pressures sapping his freedom, he begins to settle in contentment, but his tenuous peace is broken when he rescues a shipwrecked mariner on impulse. Warning signs are abound, insisting that Yoongi will bring Seokjin nothing but trouble, yet he finds himself unable to keep away.
Characters
Seokjin
The secret firstborn of King Changjun, and thus rightful merfolk royalty. His identity was concealed because he has a human mother, Jung Soojin. Instead, Seokjin was given to be raised by the noble Jeon family, who pass him off as their own son. He grows up with a younger brother, Jungkook, but the two also have close friendships with the crown prince (and unbeknownst to them, Seokjin’s younger half-brother), Taehyung. Subconsciously, Seokjin has always known he doesn’t quite fit in with his family and from a young age finds himself drawn with the curiosities of the surface world where the humans live. As his life and responsibilities as the son of merfolk nobility grow heavier and more stressful, the more he yearns for the chance to abandon his stifling reality and live anonymously among the humans.
Yoongi
Adopted son of the Jung family, rich sea merchants who made their fortune hunting merfolk and other sea-dwellers. As a child of six years old, he was caught trying to steal food from cargo that was supposed to go on one of Captain Jung’s ships. Though he was punished, the captain saw his skills and drive and decided to teach him the ways of the sea. Even so, Yoongi has always had reservations and a reluctance to hunt merfolk and their fellows. Secretly, he has on multiple occasions disobeyed orders to protect creatures he thought were most vulnerable and set them free instead. He feels indebted to Captain Jung for having raised him, so he feels he can’t just abandon the job given to him, but at the same time he feels incredibly guilty for what he’s done. He feels a conflicting mix of being ready to accept retribution from the creatures he’s ordered to hunt and kill while at the same time yearning for a life, a real one he can live to the fullest.
Hoseok
Yoongi’s adoptive brother, and Seokjin’s half-brother. (They have the same mom, Jung Soojin.)
Jungkook
Seokjin’s adoptive (though he doesn’t know it) brother, son of the noble Lord Junghyun and Lady Yuna.
Taehyung
Seokjin’s half brother (they have the same father) and son of King Changjun and Queen Jihye.
Jimin
A kindly nurse who lives on the island but works in the city. He and his husband end up taking Seokjin in when he first arrives there, and teach him the way of life on the island. His father used to work as a medic who served Captain Jung and crews from his company, which Jimin strongly opposed, and that’s why he left to find his own way.
Namjoon
A novelist who lives on the island with his husband. He writes many stories inspired by merfolk and other sea creatures, wherein a lot of material is based on his early days, where he got to travel the world as a young marine scientist and explorer. He had to give it up eventually as no one wanted to fund his research. Hunting and killing were far more profitable, and Namjoon refused to work under merchants to have his research used in such ways. His stories are gradually allowing him to save up in hopes that he’ll be able to continue his research and explore again one day, from funds out of his own pocket.
Histories
Seokjin grows up in the noble Jeon family with a younger brother, Jungkook. Seokjin has always felt out of place within his family, more so because his father so clearly favored Jungkook in all things. Jungkook absolutely adores Seokjin, and does his best to make him feel loved and needed, but there is this intangible wall he can’t get through. Seokjin is often spaced out, always thinking of some far off place, and seems to keep a lot of secrets. However, he’s also careful. Seokjin does absolutely everything that is asked of him, never has a bad word to say around their father, and is unfailingly polite to preserve the Jeons’ reputation. All this, to guard his dearest secret.
And that is: Seokjin, since childhood, has been endlessly fascinated by all things human. The human world becomes the ultimate escapist fantasy for him. Every time he gets treated harshly by his father or made to feel like he’s worthless, he always retreats to his secret cave filled with all manner of trinkets and curiosities from the human world, which he’d salvaged from sunken ships and cargo. He goes there, and he daydreams about leaving the life he knows to live among the humans, where there are no expectations and judgmental stares.
The Jeon siblings are close childhood friends with the crown prince, Taehyung. The prince cares deeply about Seokjin, and ends up the only one who knows about Seokjin’s hideout after he follows him one day and catches him there. At Seokjin’s plea, Taehyung keeps his secret. Taehyung is close in age to Jungkook, so they kind of treat each other as rivals in everything.
Once Taehyung comes of age, he’s brought into the confidences surrounding Seokjin’s real identity. The truth is that Seokjin is actually King Changjun’s son, and Taehyung’s older half-brother. Seokjin’s mother is human, and that is why the king had to cast him away. As the crown prince, Seokjin would’ve had himself examined extensively by the royal court and had his half-human status discovered. It’s heresy to have a ruler with human blood, so Changjun decided he couldn’t raise Seokjin as his own son.
Unwilling to abandon him completely, he settled for letting Seokjin grow up thinking he belongs to a lesser noble family. As fate would have it, the lady of the Jeon family had recently miscarried a child around the time Seokjin was born, and so t, and the king decided his son would grow up a Jeon.
King Changjun and the the head of the Jeon family, Lord Junghyun, both agree to have Seokjin marry the daughter of another noble family fiercely loyal to the monarchy so that the king’s firstborn would be set for life without anyone ever needing to know about his true heritage. Unfortunately, Seokjin isn’t as on board with this plan as they hoped. He eavesdrops on Lord Junghyun discussing it when the king comes to visit them. Then and there, Seokjin decides to flee once and for all.
THE STORY OF "MX. TRASHY" && THE TRASH CAN CULT
the trash can cult thing happened in high school. it was a science high school, so if you already think high schoolers are edgy and cynical, it was next level because everyone was burned out with brutal requirements. anyway, we went on our yearly retreat (a weekend at a catholic seminary in the mountains for "spiritual healing"), surrendered our flip phones and early tiny touchscreens, and were herded by friars and nuns through the place from one activity to the next.
it was actually a beautiful place, sprawling dirt roads cut into the mountainside, trees and flowers everywhere, gardens the nuns tended and curated themselves. i was less interested in the awkward group sharing activities and mini religious lectures and more interested in the scenery, so when the head friar gathered the lot of us (90ish rowdy and sulky teens) and told us we'd have the next half hour to freely explore the place, i was stoked. they said to wander around until we found a spot that felt "spiritual" enough for us to sit down and pray there, but of course most people clumped up into their cliques and just fooled around. i was one of the few who actually went on their own, sincerely looking for a nice, quiet spot.
but then, while wandering the halls of one of the buildings, i found It. the trash can. it was like every other trash can in the seminary, and i wouldn't have paid it a second glance if it wasn't for the large metal sign RIGHT BESIDE it that read "prayer zone" with a little graphic of a nun kneeling. so you can guess what i did next. i knelt there for the remaining 15 minutes of the allotted time, clasped my hands, and closed my eyes. remember those cliques of other students just walking around? of course, a bunch of them eventually passed me, and almost everyone who did started bursting into snorts and giggles.
after the activity, the friar gathered us and asked us to share how we'd spent our time... and everyone's eyes turned to me, expectant.
i looked at them like, fuck all of you. i couldn't say that in front of the friar and nuns, but i KNEW those shithead classmates of mine were trying to get me in trouble. they were thinking i would either lie, and they'd call me out since they saw what i was really doing, or i'd tell the truth and be kicked out of the retreat for rabblerousing or something. either way, it was gonna be entertaining for them, less for me.
put on the spot, i thought, i'll just bullshit this. after all, i was that one classmate everyone knew could argue with teachers about lecture topics well into lunchtime, or write a multi-page essay on anything, or pad lab papers with paragraphs upon paragraphs of pure fluff to meet the page count. bullshitting was my game. and my dorm roommates who knew me a little better were all smirking like "i wonder how she'll be able to spin this." i HAD to rise to the challenge.
and so, i went up to the front of the room where everyone could see, gingerly took the microphone the head friar was offering me, and delivered as passionate a speech i could about kneeling down in front of a trash can to pray. i told them everything, emphasizing that prayer zone sign tucked away beside it (which got a laugh), going on about how being in front of a trash can made me contemplate my spirituality and what i was doing with my life, something about reaching out to god even in front of a trash can because wasn't god to be found in all things? i paused to breathe and say 'um' a lot (doing it verbally is harder than essays), and despite the few funny moments it was clear i was padding for time, so i was like shit, how do i end this?
then the perfect thing popped into my head: a tumblr quote. so after my extended point about the symbolic meaning of trash cans, i concluded with something like "what the trash can can teach us is just because you're trash doesn't mean you're worthless. it's called garbage can, not garbage cannot."
laughter and applause. not everyone clapped, obviously, because some people saw through it and knew everything was bullshit. i think those who laughed and clapped knew it was bullshit too, and they were reacting to the audacity more than anything. but... the head friar, as i handed the mic back to him and went back to my now whooping and laughing classmates, looked conflicted. i waited nervously for what he would say next.
he started by saying he thought the whole thing about the trash can was nonsense at first, but - to my relief and gobsmacked surprise - continued by saying that my "deep and honest introspection" impressed him because even he would not have been able to see god or faith in something like a trash can. he concluded by remarking that i may have a career as a nun ahead of me in the future, which was where everyone truly lost it.
and that whole event was the catalyst. it was the start of the cult soon to come.
the rest of the retreat concluded relatively peacefully compared to what had happened already, and then we all went back to school. the problem was, exam season was soon approaching. honestly, i was ready to forget about the whole thing because i too was busy chasing deadlines and haggling with teachers about grades (since we all knew the weighting system we could anticipate which parts we would need to haggle for repeats to raise our average).
but apparently, i was kind of famous around school now for that whole trash can fiasco because not too long before exams, a couple schoolmates whom i did not know at all, from the same grade but a different section, asked around for me until they were led to my section's classroom. they said to come with them to the back of the cafeteria or something, can't remember exactly where, because they had something i just had to see.
so i come with them and, lo and behold, a group of three or four girls were standing in a semi circle in front of a trash can, waving around their review notebooks and asking for luck in the upcoming exams while giggling to themselves. and upon seeing me they went, "oh, our prophet's here."
and that weird tradition continued for a bit, mostly as an inside joke, but yeah. that's how i accidentally started a cult based around trash cans.
r/conservative propaganda roleplay i never got around to posting
ALL RIGHT FUCK IT
UN-ABANDONING ONE OF MY FORMER MOST TREASURED WIPS
"@stfulugenpresse x DIO (the vamp) v. MY MOM"
A MULTI-MEDIA BROMANCE DRAMEDY COMING-OF-AGE
BETWEEN
A) 14Y.O JEWISH NAZI FROM CALIFORNIA
AND
B) 15Y.O WHITE LATINO PROG ROCK STAN FROM ARGENTINA
THE AGENDA:
A GENDERFLUID, B TRANS SIGMA MALE
ORIGINALLY DRAFTED IN MY MIND: EARLY/MID 2016
ABANDONED BECAUSE: WHINY WHITE LGBTS ON YOUTUBE + TUMBLR + TWITTER
MESSAGE: FUCK YOUUUUU
gilbert always first to know GODDAMMIT!!!!! 😭😭😭😭
my mom needs FRENCH feminism, specifically. all women who aren't the literal mother of jesus are gross whores to her. the french language can fix my mom. i think. maybe. don't quote me on that
PAINTING WIP UPDATE!!!
ADDENDUM: some proposed titles
The Boy King in the Mirror Hall
Der junge König im Spiegelsaal
鏡の間の少年王
Ang Batang Ama sa Loob ng Salamin
mfw the lugenpresse has run out of lugen and all they have is the presse: 😲
man... i used to love the bktd discord server, but whoever told me that naming an experimental metal band made up of bakusquad "the help" was supposedly offensive to black people? YALL RACIST CARDS ARE SHOWING!!!!! CLEANING IS A DIGNIFIED PROFESSION, WORTHY OF LUXURY PAY. THE MORE COMPLICATED THE HOUSE, THE MORE TIME + MONEY + RESPECT + GRATITUDE YOUR CLEANING LADY/MAN/PERSON DESERVES!!!!!! NEVERRRRR MAKE ANYONE THINK THAT CLEANING IS AN UNPAID LABOR. PAY FOR CLEANING.
(my 67y.o mom) BECKY'S SUGGESTED PUNISHMENTS FOR SPANISH EMPIRE CRIMES UPON THE PHILIPPINES
(1)
CRIME: RAPE
SUSPEK: CATHOLIC PRIESTS
VICTIMS: MEN, WOMEN, CHILDREN OF THE PHILIPPINES
RECOMMENDED EXECUTION METHOD: SHOT IN THE HEAD VIA FIRING SQUAD
RECOMMENDED EXECUTIONERS: PH POLICE, PH MILITARY
RECOMMENDED SITE: BGC (B's Remark: "THEY DESTROYED FORT BONIFACIO TO BUILD THIS.")
RECOMMENDED DESTINATION: HELL
(2)
CRIME: LAND-GRABBING
SUSPEK: CATHOLIC CHURCH
VICTIMS: INDIGENOUS PEOPLES OF THE PHILIPPINES
RECOMMENDED EXECUTION METHOD: SHOT IN THE HEAD VIA FIRING SQUAD
RECOMMENDED EXECUTIONERS: PH MILITARY ONLY
RECOMMENDED SITE: PANTABANGAN DAM
RECOMMENDED DESTINATION: HELL
(3)
CRIME: RECKLESSLY SPREADING ROMAN CATHOLICISM IN THE PHILIPPINES
SUSPEK: CATHOLIC CHURCH + SPANISH EMPIRE REPRESENTATIVES IN PHILIPPINES
RECOMMENDED EXECUTION METHOD: SHOT IN THE HEAD VIA FIRING SQUAD
RECOMMENDED EXECUTIONERS: PH MILITARY ONLY
RECOMMENDED SITE: MANILA CATHEDRAL, INTRAMUROS
RECOMMENDED DESTINATION: HELL
what do y'all think about her ideas? recall: she is the youngest daughter of 6, raised in a cult, scared by her husband's height + whiteness for the entire duration of their marriage.
HOWEVER, she has told origin tonight that she will never kick her out for being a communist. she also said communism should be fully legalized as a belief in the philippines.
discuss.
"brotherhood" in hetalia
The question of which country-people are "really" siblings is more complicated than you'd think. Hetalia has some pretty inconsistent messaging regarding how the words "brothers" is used. Not to even mention how drawing family ties for landmasses/cultural spheres is never gonna make sense the moment you dive into the details and get historical with it.
Ignoring that caveat, the only case where the series' messaging about being brothers is 100% consistent and NOT a metaphor for colonialism/vassalage/occupation is: Vene and Romano. They're one country, same cultural sphere, always been brothers, and always call each other brothers. Despite Vene being the "younger brother," there was never any point at which Romano held dominion over him, firmly ruling out the metaphorical usage.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, you'd have Spain and Romano, where "brothers" is only ever a metaphor for occupation, and is almost never even used. Instead, "boss and underling" is the common framing.
For an interesting grey area in between, look at Prussia and Germany - whose brotherhood is shakier than you think. For them, the messaging about being "brothers" is only somewhat consistent, where it's more of other characters pointing out when drawing comparisons between the two of them. They only acknowledge their relation occasionally, with Prussia even calling it "unsavory" once while Germany treats it more like an annoying afterthought. The only exception to this is when Prussia bragged about raising Germany and how he's the best of all his big brothers.
Contrasting against the Italian bros: Germany and Prussia share the same cultural sphere but are not one country, with Germany being more like his successor + more nuance if you wanna include the East Germany stuff (which has dubious canonicity). It seems canon also goes back and forth between Prussia kind of "birthing" Germany in a way (considering how he led the efforts to unify the many German states and form the German Empire) OR Prussia "adopting"/"training" Germany by taking him under his wing and teaching him all he knows. The first option implies fatherhood more than brotherhood while the second option implies that metaphorical "brothers" again.
This is getting long so let me quickly tackle the other grey areas:
USUK: Consistent metaphorical use of "brothers" to mean colonialism. Relation treated as void in the present (America fought a whole war to damn well make sure of this!)
NA bros: Called "twins"/"brothers" by others, but this is always played for jokes. They call each other "neighbors." Them being "brothers" is more of a fanon thing in the context of FACE. (Also, metaphorical "brothers" in the past during their colony days.)
UK bros: Metaphorical "brothers" in the sense of colonialism, but Iggy is the "younger/est brother" which conflicts with the "big brother = colonizer" framing. Him being younger is more congruent with the "growing up neighbors with related cultural spheres" angle. So a mix of the metaphor-for-colonialism sense and the more literal sense?
[2025 ADDENDUM: I WILL NEVER RECOGNIZE THE ENGLISH AS ANY FAMILY OF MINE. THEY VIOLATED SCOTLAND, HOME OF MY PATERNAL GREAT-GRANDFATHER. AND THEY GROOMED THE AMERICANS INTO VIOLATING JAPAN, HOME OF MY PATERNAL GREAT-GRANDMOTHER. NOT ONLY THAT, BUT THE ENGLISH ARE COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS AS TO THE COLONIZATION OF THE PHILIPPINES. FUCK THE ENGLISH FOREVER.]
[2025 ADDENDUM: EVEN KIDS WHO LIVE IN BIG HOUSES WITH PARENTS OR GUARDIANS OR OTHER CARETAKERS—WHO OWN OR APPEAR TO OWN LOTS OF MATERIAL THINGS CAN BE—JUST AS DESTITUTE AS ANY KID FROM THE SLUMS. THE PROBLEM HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE CONTROL && AGENCY NEEDED IN ORDER TO LIVE A GOOD LIFE. RICHES ARE USELESS IF YOUR PARENTS OR RELATIVES JUST USE IT TO ABUSE/EXPLOIT YOU. FINANCIAL ABUSE AGAINST MINORS IS THE MOST DESPICABLE CRIME OF ALL. WORSE THAN SEX CRIMES. WORSE THAN PHYSICAL OR MENTAL ABUSE. NO RAPIST OR PEDOPHILE CAN EVER COMPARE TO PARENTS WHO FINANCIALLY ABUSE YOU. ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE IS WRONG, SIMPLE AS.]
Y'ALL THINK CLARK KENT IS A GOOD REPORTER, A GOOD JOURNALIST? FUCK OFFFFF
After its first two years of operation, Pisay CBZRC has finally categorized its scholars into the system wide standard of Full scholars, Partial 1 scholars, Partial 2 scholars, and Partial 3 scholars, ordered by their decreasing living allowance or stipend. What this article wishes to tackle is the question of if the categorization system works; is it effective in distinguishing between the scholars who really need the financial help they are being offered as compared to those who are more fortunate and privileged?
According to the official application for scholarship categorization, the bases for classification are income, real properties, living expenses, and other queries, such as whether or not the scholar’s family has traveled abroad in recent years and for what purpose. Overall, this seems like an effective way to get an idea of scholars’ standards of living and, from the perspective of the Scholarship Categorization Committee members, be able to gauge how much financial aid a student needs. And, as if to affirm the effectivity of this system, almost three quarters of interviews with various Pisay CBZRC students reveal they agree that they have gotten what they deserve.
However, looking beyond the hard statistics and turning our attention to the very sources of the data, it is discovered that this statistic is predominantly made up of students under the partial classes―meaning they are of the middle class and not of the particularly financially challenged. When asked how much they and their families depend on the stipend, they had responded with indifference. “Of course mas madali ang buhay namin kung naibigay na yung stipend noong August pa, pero hindi naman sa sobrang kailangan dahil may hiwalay na allowance naman akong natatanggap,” one student under the Partial 1 classification, which offered a step down of 3,500 php as monthly stipend as opposed to a Full scholar’s 4,000 php, responded.
Two issues come into light. One has been well-known: parents downplaying their wealth in the application form in order to be classified under their desired category. Such a case was revealed following an audit in the Western Visayas Campus in Iloilo, wherein state auditors disclosed nine randomly selected students who were categorized as Full scholars but were supposedly “seen to have been living a comfortable life” due to observations of some having automobiles and other like properties―just last 2016.
Ever since then, adding onto the case filed by the Commision on Audit against 115 Pisay alumni for not taking science and technology courses, the system has been in the process of reworking the scholarship contract so that Philippine Science High School would have a more concrete way of legally going after violators of the aforementioned contract’s terms. The system is indeed acting on its shortcomings regarding scholarship categorization and the contract itself, and one visible result is the implementation of yearly re-evaluation and background checking to make way for economic changes and developments as well as previous errors or downright deceit.
Although, this does little for the second issue: students who depend on the stipend and feel as if they deserve more than a partial scholarship. Cases like these are much fewer than the inverse, but they do exist, and nothing is getting easier with the current state of affairs. For example, uncategorized the previous year, a now Partial 1 scholar had enjoyed the full 4,000 php stipend, but had also been very dependent on it due to both parents being unemployed, one being disabled and a senior. So far, they have only been reminded of the documents under the living expenses part of the categorization form, including electric bills and parents’ tax returns. Conflicting documents is the root of the problem this time, some passing the ‘Full scholar’ while some do not.
And these situations might be rare, some insisting they do not warrant enough attention due to obscurity. However, these highlight the flaws in the current system and provide opportunities to improve it. No system is perfect, sure, but can problems like these just be ignored because they do not affect the majority of successful cases? No, because in Philippine Science High School, students are taught that Science is falsifiable
Great! And btw just to be clear: I'll send you any finished comic so you can post it yourself, I don't really care about karma.
My process is really simple - I draw from my phone using a pirated/modded Ibis Paint X apk and a $1 fake stylus pen from Lazada. All my comics have their dialogue and general direction scripted in my notes before I draw. So, the first step of the actual drawing is fetching flag colors from the Polcompball Wiki. Then, I use a brush that looks the most like the MS Paint pencil tool to draw. I draw each panel like that, then when I'm done I stitch each panel together using a screenshot stitcher app. That's pretty much it.
I'm not an artist by any means though - so I can't draw stuff like shadows, shading, and complicated objects or background scenery.
[2025 ADDENDUM:
i eventually did draw all that stuff i said i couldn't. i just had to paste transparent or cropped images of my needed references on a separate later of the canvas. then, i would resize or warp or distort or stretch or recolor etc. anything as needed, in order to fit in the final art piece.
the references are from either google images, duckduckgo, yandex, unsplash, or any social media i have accounts on.]
Polandball comic ideas
The Coast-Hogger Club (Art)
Chile, Croatia, Somalia, and Vietnam chilling on a beach with sunglasses
America's Nemesis
Ghost of USSR: Of facing it, Amerika. Ty needing me. Ty always make needings of enemy—nyet, of nemesis.
USA: That's bullshit, especially coming from YOU, commie bastard!
USSR: No, is of true.
(Untranslated)
I defeated the Nazi with you (but it was mostly me). There was no Nazi left for you to fight, so you made nemesis out of me. NATO, nukes, coups — you did it all just to see how I would fight back, and we had a good run. The thrill of avoiding open war in favor of proxies and espionage... you lived for it. I became the villain in all your art, while your capitalism could be the great bringer of prosperity and freedom. But now I am gone, and since then what have you done? You terrorize every isolated attempt at socialism. You flex your NATO muscle onto much weaker countries, making your allies into enemies again, because without me — without nemesis — you have no purpose. You don't even take care of your people anymore! You are richest country in history yet many of your people are sick and starving in your crumbling streets. You are no longer hero... just another nemesis waiting to happen.
USA: Hey Russia, I just wanted to say—
Russia: [busy with computer hacking, religious and social conservatism, and brutalizing Ukraine] Дa?
USA: Never mind...
USA: [turns the other way, sees PRC] Oh, hey China! Ready for another round of nuke threats and economic sanctions, you commie bastard?
PRC: [sigh] Wo am not make play yuor Cord War games, Amerikkka. Wo aporogizing, but of this time yuo fights with a businessman.
Not-so-serene
Republic of Venice: Hey Francia?
France: Oui?
Venice: Americani of falso call your capitale as "Paris" but everyone else into not say "s" sound, like voi francese, sì?
France: Oui, they do!
Venice: Then PERCHÉ do they all of say Venezia in Ingelse way, "Venice"?! C'é "Merchant of Venice" e "Death in Venice"... WHY NOT IL TITOLO "DEATH IN VENEZIA"? IS TUO OF FUCKING KIDDING ME? ESSO IN ITALIA, SO USE OF ITALIANO WORD, MERDA! FIGLIO DI PUTTANA! BUNCH OF STRONZO!
France: ...
Quadruple imperialist whammy?
Tondo Polity: Am of independent!
Spanish Empire: [exists]
Tondo: :(
Spain: [beaten]
First Philippine Republic: Finally! Can into independence!
US: Actually Spain sold you to me lol
PH: ...
PH: Wait what?
US: [already pointing guns]
US: All right little buddy, you're on your own now.
PH: Yay! Ako am finally of independent!
Japanese Empire: [exists]
PH: Seriously ba?! :(
Japan: [beaten]
US (CIA): [on top of JP]
PH: At last! Ako am into REAL independent na!
...
China: [gradually getting bigger]
PH: ?!
China: GIB ISLANDS. GIB SOUL.
PH: Not again! >:(
snow
The causes of their enmity seemed immaterial now as they fought the same furious winter. He hoped that, by the end of the storm, both of them would still have secrets left that weren't murmured into the corners of each other's mouths as they huddled for warmth in the bitter cold.
Soma Trip
That time Soulism stumbled into a Fordist society and had a banging good time.
SEES comic ideas
Ancom goes to therapy
Ancom: And then I never saw my dad again.
???: Interesting. Where did you think he went?
Ancom: I don't know! That's why I'm here :( But anyway, shouldn't this therapy session be about working me though how to cope with childhood trauma?
???: Yes but... I wanna know what happened to your dad too :< The archives-
Ancom: Hold on. Who is this? [tears away clipboard]
SEES: [is revealed]
Ancom: SEES! I should've known it was you! 😡
SEES: Please 😭 now that I know part of this story I MUST know the rest!
Ancom: Oh fuck off!
Bias
possibly debunk? (monsoc)
Monarcho-Socialist Argument:
If a monarch fucks up badly enough and screws over their people, they get unavoidably violently deposed. They get the guillotine, or they lose their mandate of heaven, so on and so forth. If a corporation fucks up, enslaves workers, and/or ruins the lives of people settled in places where they extract resources, does the corporation get dissolved? What about if their unsustainable greed makes them implode, taking a whole country's economy down with them? No. The apparatus of capitalism and republicanism in tandem make sure this corporation is rewarded with generous government bailouts and other assistance.
A monarch, even a corrupt and uncaring one, is at least nominally accountable to the people they rule over. A corporation is accountable to no one.
Republicanism is nothing more than a smokescreen. They get people riled up and divided and bickering over elections and candidates and political parties, thinking they have the power to change things. This distracts them and makes them unable to revolt against those really in control, the corporate institutions buying to ensure the outcome of each election.
Therefore, a republic wherein capitalism is allowed mostly free reign is in the end not very democratic at all, even as supporters of democracy currently champion a capitalist republic as the best solution. It sure likes to look the part of democracy, just enough to keep people from revolting, for the same reason capitalists will pay just enough not to kill their slaves.
In this way, a constitutional monarchy would be a better guarantor of democratic rights and freedoms than a republic ever could. A monarchy would also be better able to swiftly implement social programs because it would not be subject to the incessant bickering of competing interest groups in a republic. The monarch can be informed of the conditions, decide what's best, and just have it be done.
Rebirth Utopianism
AKA, Off-the-Compass Progressivism and Utopianism with Accelerationist, Cultish, and Off-Hedonist Characteristics
An ideology founded on the assumption that no single stable utopia is feasible or sustainable, and that the natural tendency of utopia is to keep adopting new systems that tend towards utopian outcomes but also keep shedding old systems as their flaws manifest. Thus, utopia is not a state to achieve but instead a general trajectory to chase.
Rebirth Utopianism is the frenetic worship of change and pure ideal that any progress is a step towards perfection. This is the adage from earlier: “Not every change is an improvement, but every improvement is a change.” It embodies a cultish devotion to the idea of continuously cleansing civilizations and the systems by which we live in a “Great Rebirth” in order to infinitesimally approach utopia. There is no good status quo, as we should always be getting closer to utopian outcomes. The only real god, from the image of which society should be modeled, is the endlessly evolving vision of utopia in our imaginations.
That “endlessly evolving vision of utopia” is key; there is no final utopia. If the utopias we can imagine today are achieved and become the norm, their flaws will inevitably manifest (either in the systems themselves or the limitations of the people behind them). The people living these utopias will have their own vision for utopia, which we in our current limitations cannot fathom, and once achieved the people in their utopias will have visions of utopias they cannot fathom, and so on. The takeaway is, keep chasing utopia, whatever form it may take. What's important is not to arrive at perfection, but to infinitesimally approach it.
Rebirth Utopianism
“Not every change is an improvement, but every improvement is a change.”
Rebirth Utopianism is an ideology that believes THERE IS NO FINAL UTOPIA. It is the worship of change and the devotion to continuous rebirth.
Key Concepts:
Utopian Visions - There is no final utopia. Our visions for utopia are endlessly evolving with every improvement. These UTOPIAN VISIONS must be continuously attempted and implemented.
Utopian Outcomes - Our visions for utopia are endlessly evolving with every improvement. Thus, the nature of utopia is not a state to arrive at, but instead a trajectory that must be infinitesimally approached. We do not achieve utopia; we approach UTOPIAN OUTCOMES with non-stop improvement.
Utopian Systems - Utopia is a trajectory to be infinitesimally approached. Thus, there is no single system for reaching perfection. The trajectoral nature of utopia means we must keep adopting new UTOPIAN SYSTEMS based on our utopian visions, and also keep shedding them as their flaws manifest. These flaws will be revealed whenever utopian visions evolve to match the new reality.
Cyber-Frontierism
Cyber-Frontierism: an anarchist ideology that advocates for the internet to be completely set free from corporate and governmental interests or interference. It wants the internet to be as decentralized and uncontrollable as possible. This would be a return to the early years of the internet, but even freer in some ways. It wants an abolition of all artificially enforced barriers such as regional firewalls, copyright/IP enforcement, paywalls, and censorship. It is staunchly against data collection, de-anonymization, advertising, and curation algorithms that aim to nudge user behavior in accordance with corporate interests. It believes all cyberspaces should be user-operated and user-moderated, where the users of a particular cyberspace would be bounded together by shared interests and values, thereby not needing any sort of centralized policing efforts.
The internet is unique in that giving something away in the virtual space doesn't mean less left for you, because everything can just be duplicated. The only non-renewable resources are time and attention. Everything else can be shared without most of the resource limitations of the physical world. Thus an endless frontier based on free association and collaboration is possible. Decentralized communes based on mutual aid and shared values already existed in the niche forums of the 90s and 00s. The free and open source software community is also based on these values and thriving to this day despite external efforts to stifle it.
The internet IS the final frontier. And we let corporations and governments take it from us. It's time to take it back.
Parents:
Cyberocracy
Piratism
Esoteric Sufism
Sufism, except fashy and super into historical conspiracy. Example: hand-waiving the distinct cultures of the middle east to subscribe to a contradictory and esoteric sort of pan-Arab ethnonationalism. Kinda like how the authrights we know misunderstand what "Aryan" means. Also stubbornly ignores the middle east's pre-Islam past. Importantly, Esoteric Sufism separates itself from regular Sufism and orthodox Islam by claiming that they "miss the point entirely." It thinks even Wahhabists and Salafis don't go far enough with mysticism and puritanical practice. Basically, think of it as the EsoFash of the Islamic world, to the point that even Jihadism thinks it's crazy.
My attempt to generalize the SCP Foundation into an ideology.
Crypto-Technocracy: The world is already a technocracy, most people just don't know it because the self-appointed guardians and rulers have successfully hidden their existence. But in this secret layer of reality, the smartest and most skilled already pull all the strings. The professionals at the top have advanced work in their respective fields to what would seem like unrealistic levels to the general populace, who would dismiss it as magic, pseudoscience, or conspiracy. The Crypto-Technocrats claim to do this out of benevolence, a desire to protect the public from the particularly nasty or elusive nuances of reality so they can live their lives with minimal worries. However, their commitment to absolute secrecy even within their own organization also means that they are accountable to no one. They can commit any crime, create monsters and destroy deities, and justify it as whatever's needed to protect the general populace, but they're the only ones who would know the truth of it.
Fractalized Classificational Diversitism
An answer to Chaosism. Insists that every truth, every idea, and every infinite possibility of anything can be understood and mapped onto a fractal-like language that is able to explain and differentiate between every nuance in thought, idea, or possibility that exists, has existed, or will ever exist. Basically, there exists a fractal compass in which every possible idea in every possible universe cleanly maps onto where no nuances are ever conflated or misrepresented due to the limits of the compass or language used to differentiate between nuances. The compass is fractal and therefore embraces the infinite, and perfectly marries the quantitative with the qualitative. If even one nuance of one idea doesn't fit on your compass, it's not good enough.
Supernal Expansionary Epistemological Spectatorism (SEES/AllSpec)
my actual 101% unironic ideology. the correct ideology. the only ideology you'll ever need.
New Document Organization
Perception, Curiosity, & Divinity
() What is Shaded Perception (DedCep)?
() Why get rid of it?
() What does getting rid of DedCep even mean?
() What would be needed to eradicate DedCep from one's consciousness? Is that even possible?
Why Individualism? / Dead Ends
() Hive-minds
() Impositional Gods
() An Alternate Path to Godhood
The God as Archivist
() Politics
() Culture
() Economics
() Technology
Conversations with a Spectator God
() History vs Prescriptivist Impositions: When Spectatorism Clashes with Self-Interest
() Talking to an AllSpec: What would they tell you if you asked?
Limitations
() You've become an AllSpec. Now what?
() What was it all for?
Fourteen Words:
Know everything forever. Curiosity is both a shadow of and a path to godhood.
Introduction:
SEES is an off-compass individualist ideology which posits all knowledge that exists, ever has existed, or ever will exist is knowable to a single consciousness. It believes that not only is this possible, but also virtuous, serving as the path to an omniscient spectator godhood.
The ideology is founded on the idea that all beings with consciousness start out with limitations on how they perceive their surroundings and acquire knowledge. These limitations come in forms such as bias, physical limitations, cognitive limitations in the way brains package information, and similar—all of which contribute to what's referred as "Shaded Perception" (DedCep). SEES argues that the purpose of living is to gradually reduce DedCep by accumulating knowledge and experience, with the ultimate end goal being to eliminate all DedCep from one's consciousness by achieving godhood.
Therefore, SEES believes that the nature of godhood is not to impose one's will onto others' consciousness or even attempt to alter reality itself, but instead to take a spectator role capable of seeing and knowing everything. This is called becoming an "All-Spectator" (AllSpec).
Obtaining this status, according to SEES, will require three things:
An infinite memory, capable of containing all knowledge in existence in one's active awareness (where information is instantly accessible and is never buried).
An omniscience that expands retroactively in time, i.e. all knowledge lost before SEES could be made aware of it shall be recovered through time travel.
Immortality, or a never-ending existence. This will make sure SEES gathers all knowledge that will ever exist in the future, and will not stop existing as long as there is something to observe and gather.
Ideology:
SEES strives, ultimately, for perfect perception; for truth in its totality.
A useful metaphor for describing how this ideology acts is the concept of "archives." Not literal ones, but instead the sum total of all knowledge and information held in one's active consciousness. It's easier to think of it as a mental archive. And so, running with this, SEES wants to archive absolutely everything.
Any sort of meddlesome or impositional interaction other than the seeking of knowledge and data is antithetical‡ to SEES praxis.
() However, the concept of privacy is a senseless restriction; your most private thoughts and feelings would make a wonderful and necessary inclusion to the archives. Map the consciousness!
() Loves history; hates speculation, interpretation, and retroactive reinterpretation. SEES: "Bias and historical revisionism shall be remedied by time travel."
() Does not want to make you to abandon DedCep or even to convince you to believe anything, but wants to know in full detail what you believe, why you believe it, and what processes led you to believing in it. And also what happened in every other second of your life. The archives require it!
() Granted the previous bullet point, you could say SEES is even more creepily watchful than Ingsoc could ever be, but is simultaneously hyper-insular. (So kinda like Egoist? "DedCep is the biggest spook to end all spooks and the ultimate fulfillment of one's ego is to become an AllSpec? But it's still your choice?" Hmm...)
Values:
() Statist ambivalent, except when the state retroactively tampers with history and archiving; therefore an ideology like Ingsoc is repulsive (but everything that a society under Ingsoc ever does still goes into the archives). Censure authoritarianism? Slightly less bad, and also get the popcorn.
() Culturally-ambivalent, but archive all the cultures no matter how they progress or regress. Embraces diversity and complexity; SEES: "What a wonderful addition to the archives!"
() Economically-ambivalent. SEES: "Private property? Intellectual property? Labor theory? The idea that my compilation of disparate sources of knowledge into one consolidated body presented without filters gives this compilation value that I should be compensated for? Interesting! I'd still willingly, unconditionally impart any knowledge I have access to to anyone who asks, though."
() Loves technology, and believes that science is the way to achieve better methods of archiving as well as the retroactively omnipresent immortality that will allow it to see and know everything. Once SEES obtains this though, it might as well be technological progress-ambivalent. Transhumanism is just a means to an end.
() Despite loving science and diligently archiving the concept of the butterfly effect, hopes it isn't true due to the implications that carries for time-travelling archival adventures. Unless of course there were to be a method of time travel in which the participant could roam freely and gather knowledge with a formless existence and be guaranteed not to alter anything, maybe. (Get on it, science!)
() Hive-minds: having multiple selves with the same goal and possibly even the same will seems helpful to achieve AllSpec status, but consuming everything until only you are left kind of defeats the point and goes against the very idea of spectatorism. The final form of a hive-mind is hence an imposed universal-level DedCep. Dead end; y'all tried. (Still added to archives anyway, though.)
["Wait, but why does becoming everything by assimilation/consumption keep DedCep? Isn't becoming everything and knowing yourself basically equivalent to AllSpec?" No it isn't. See: god of Pointland from the movie/book Flatland.]
() Hmm... from this response to hive-minds you can extrapolate that SEES has its own concept of individualism in a way. It distinguishes from itself and... everything else. It believes that at a fundamental level, SEES should be a separate entity to that which it spectates. It would not want to become part of a hive-mind, but isn't against the concept itself, and SEES would gladly observe how a hive-mind society could run its course.
() Identity, Emotions, Desires: Nonexistent and irrelevant. The only desire is to overcome DedCep and become AllSpec.
() How does SEES deal with outside influence that aims to further shrink its DedCep or prevent it from achieving AllSpec status? The egoist-ancap ways combined. SEES aims to be a non-meddling spectator, but if you actively mess with that, it will remove that outside influence standing in between itself and its goal until it can resume what it's doing, and nothing more.
Limitations:
() It could be argued that, in its purest sense, SEES as an ideology is effectively useless for humans since it does not provide any prescriptive framework with which to act or think based on the truth it aims to observe and know. Ergo, it simultaneously entertains all AND no prescriptive frameworks for viewing history.
() SEES presents nothing when it comes to how one might go about building a society, either.
() Biggest flaw in my (unbased DedCep) opinion: "Once you do possess all knowledge that exists, then what?" / "I'll tell you once I am completely rid of DedCep; then I can only give the best possible answer!"
() Another flaw: "Meddling/impositional acts are antithetical to SEES praxis... unless of course if my meddling helps me get time travel faster. Or indefinitely expanding memory, finally." So in the end, SEES is gonna prioritize becoming AllSpec above spectatorist concerns on 'the archivist as prescriptivist.'
() Flaw #3: what does it mean to become AllSpec in the first place? How will you know that there's nothing more to know? If you start creating insights based on all knowledge you currently have, do you not contribute brand new knowledge that has been absent from your collection thus far? The foundational belief onto which SEES grounds itself is the idea that one CAN know everything, but how can it be so sure that that foundational axiom isn't simply DedCep naiveté?
() Look, so to be honest, this ideology is basically... imagine that desire to explore all possible paths and choices in a video game, but apply that mindset to everything in the universe, and see how far I could take it. I'd love feedback!
MEMERY
[elsewhere]
ARE. YOU. READY
FOR YOUR FIRST TASTE
OF SUPERNAL EXPANSIONARY EPISTEMOLOGICAL SPECTATORISM?
THE SEES AGENDA?????
comic draft:
Progress
Our dreams started small
Surviving the day, eating well, resting and admiring the beauty around us
[Primal Primitivism predators facing off, AnPrims enjoying a meal, Tribalism looking at the stars and inventing myths]
Then we dreamed of abundance
Some believed that strength would secure it for us and those we cared about
[Monarchy sitting on gold coins, Imperialism looking menacing with a sword and standing on dead balls]
Disgusted with the kind of world the strong built, others dreamed of a completely different world
And so took our first misguided forays into establishing heaven on Earth
[Protestant Theocracy puritans farming in New England and also hanging suspected witches]
Some even dared to dream of a world without cruelty and exploitation
But in trying to achieve it, we always fell short
[Socialism/Ancom/Syndies/ML striking, Stalinism/Lib/ConMon triumphing over NatSoc, ML facing off against NATO with nukes]
What has fulfilled the dreams of a few
Still leaves many feeling powerless
[Capitalism reigning over the proletariat with Neoliberalism balls as the 'shield']
Yet we humans
never
stop
trying
[Liberals and SocDems debating for an election, Ancom/Prog/Deep Ecology protesting, DemSoc helping the poor near these protests]
Those dreams of achieving a society without sickness or poverty or destruction persist
No matter how many setbacks we seem to face
[Transhumanism, Socialist Transhumanism, and Eco-Transhumanism, Environmentalism, and Globalism discussing their visions for the future]
This tendency to keep reaching for perfection despite always falling just short of it
Don't you think that's what makes us remarkable after all?
[Everything revealed to be said by Rebirth Utopianism observing the world from the stars]
Letters to No One - 3
"READER'S INDIGESTION"
My dad loved showing me Reader's Digest when I was a toddler. Because we got it for free as somebody else's garbage and couldn't afford any other books, couldn't afford to go out much, couldn't afford to be downstairs or else we'd get screamed at, couldn't afford to be in the same room as The Wraith or else she would drown us in her infinite malice.
He'd read, I'd cut in or continue, and then when I was alone I would decode whatever stuff had text that I could get my hands on in that house. But never forget: always someone else's garbage. Labels never scared me and I was immune to advertising or contradiction because I knew they're legally required to put an approximation of the truth somewhere. I also deduced that these approx. truths were invisible or at least insignificant to everyone else in that house—BECAUSE THEY THREW THEM AWAY!
The size, color, font, location, etc. of text all communicate or obscure SOMETHING to someone else. Some (like my mom) people only look at the biggest shiniest text, get at the thing inside, then throw it away immediately, uncaring for where it went. Others (like Dad) took extra time tryna find all the text before they could be convinced to open the sachet.
My favorite illustration that I ever saw in any Reader's Digest was of a little Alaskan girl swaddled in the thickest coats, face caked in frost, who'd lost all her teeth, but grinned so brightly in the picture they took of her anyway. "Bungi-bungi girl!" I called her.
I laughed, but my mom then called that little Alaskan girl unsightly. Told me never to let my teeth get like hers. She couldn't see the girl's smile.
I lost all my baby teeth in the span of a few months—mostly of my own orchestration. My mom always went on and on about cavities and the unsightly teeth of other children and how bad my father was for feeding me anything sweet. At this, I was... bewildered. Because my mom did not understand what sugar even was. She never read the backs of sachets, the nutrition facts, the ingredients of products. She had no idea her favorite toothpaste brand put sugar in there, too. All she saw was the front label, the biggest name and the general color and vibe.
However, I knew it was futile to complain to my dad about this very thing. Because he was already spending too much of his time reading labels and facts on the back of products. It would only distress him further. My dad was often distressed, especially by the attention and inquiry of others. He was quick to anger, always first to scream, and everyone he ever got mad at always made sure to make him feel as horrible as possible about it afterward. Then, after some unspecified time had passed, he would come back to THEM and MAKE THEM LAUGH.
In private, he tells me all his jokes are stolen. I asked where he got them, and he'd say the names, explain the names. He's a name-explainer. He takes other people's jokes and gives them to people who made him feel distressed before. Then he smokes and drinks and leaves.
Thus, I tried to share my own laughter with him. The gaps between banana leaves reminded me of the smiling little Alaskan girl who'd lost all her teeth but posed for a photo anyway. I tried to tell my dad in my own way, banana leaves had such big gaps between them because they'd lost some teeth! And he'd laugh, but right afterwards all the women at that house would scold or distress or guilt trip again, going on about how outside-the-house is scary and dangerous and I should never be allowed out. Then he'd shrink and smoke and drink and leave again.
On and on and on.
My mom said she hated how long and curly my dad's hair was, so they made him cut it down and groom and trim and spend more money on barbers all the time.
My mom said she found my dad's moustache and beard unsightly, a sign of poor hygiene, so they made my dad spend more money and time and manpower on razors and whatever else.
My mom said my dad's back was ugly, absolutely littered with moles of various shapes and shades and sizes, and worst of all was the crater-like scar right in the center of his back. They always made him dress up in the finest of monkey suits always handed down from someone else's garbage. More pants and belts and coats and razors and also tell him he should get a higher paying job to buy all that stuff. They bullied him till he complied or coaxed him back with sweet words and begs for more of his jokes when he spent too much time away drinking and smoking with his guys friends whom they also didn't like.
This whole routine always confused me. I thought my dad's back looked like a sky full of stars. I thought his curly hair was beautiful. I agreed that he was stinky if he did not clean himself for a while, but I knew he was diligent about cleaning himself because he had all these tools and trinkets and oils and deodorants either given to him as someone else's garbage or they bullied him into buying his own.
People are so complicated. Couldn't even let my dad just be some random fucking guy.
That's why I always look elsewhere, at what other guy-presenting people seem to be sad about. But they can't have me, either. They're stinky sometimes, annoying other times. I can't deal with all their bullshit.
I'm just some guy, too. "One of the boys" but always smarter than them, always wiser, always capable of inventing a new story they like or dazzling them with a story they thought they knew—but they didn't know MY version.
And I loved testing them, too. Birthday slightly wrong on Facebook so I can laugh at how many people greet just because Facebook said so; could not even remember my actual birthday. Silly.
But my dad always insisted upon his own birthday, kept trying to declare his truths and remind people of his name (which other people keep mocking or shortening or getting entirely wrong). Because he has too many siblings and parents and other family. Mother and sister and a bunch of other people born in the same month. Government and church couldn't agree on whether his second name was a typo or even existed at all.
He'd always tell them his name, the full name—BUT THEY'D JUST KEEP REPEATING THAT'S NOT WHAT THE PAPERWORK SAID! 💀💀💀
Y'all confusing af. Seriously. My dad was just a jew.
all other euro american traggots are frauds, just need some dress-up or pampering to feel better. but me? i gotta rap in a new language or something lmfaooooo
funny how i am quite literally the only real third world white maoist monster in all worlds 💀
better now
https://docs.google.com/document/u/0/d/1x5VIQr91pIu5utZbSaJu7ZM5o9cZ8Fh8_96WRxth2i4/mobilebasic
there i fixed it. ugh
https://unreincloset.tumblr.com/post/776935342737637376/my-grand-cardverse-agenda
moe's (deranged) naoya headcanons Alignment Chart
LAWFUL GOOD: claimed toji's hand in marriage when he was 6 (& was super serious about it way into his teen years)
NEUTRAL GOOD: still 100% a virgin
CHAOTIC GOOD: major mommy issues (she dipped after his birth b/c she finally gave the zen'ins their worthy heir & he's never gotten over it)
LAWFUL NEUTRAL: he's the one who got gojo into cinema (but now thinks gojo's a philistine for collecting DVDs & having a netflix acc b/c obviously nothing can compare to the real thing)
TRUE NEUTRAL: has a bellybutton piercing (as a cope for horrible infections + pain from his birth being a half-assed hack job @ home by teenage underpaid zen'in estate maids)
CHAOTIC NEUTRAL: nao @ gojo - "you're gay because you love men. i'm gay because i hate women. we are not the same."
LAWFUL EVIL: actually an uber-nerd who does his research & has intricate knowledge of curses, jujutsu, history, folklore, etc. thus, ALWAYS thought gojo was a fraud for not finishing off his toxic ex-situationship for a whole decade + taking in more uncultured strays as students about it.
NEUTRAL EVIL: a bottom bitch pillow princess w/ UNBEATABLE head game
CHAOTIC EVIL: avid cupcakke listener (he feels the exact same way about men as she does. also, every zen'in girl is terrified by the music videos if they try to watch over his shoulder || starts raging/crying if they try to translate cupcakke lyrics)
Chess(es) in the Park
[Set. Rizal Park, Manila]
[Dre. Luneta is crowded: picnics, Pride, a k-pop dance competition, nuns reading books on the grass, hijabis manning shops and canteens, old men selling ice cream, jeepney drivers lugging around their double-sided and heavily muraled vehicles, horse-drawn carriages for the tourists, children with cats and dogs, students screaming and laughing, isolated games of badminton and chase. Opal is the one waiting for Makoto and Laurent this time, as the men are ushered towards her by two tall, broad, scary-looking bodyguards in black suits and shades. Earlier, they had introduced themselves as siblings: Dante and Lorelei.
Opal occupies a large, white, wooden picnic table. Two chess boards are set up on either side: the left one sports a small chess clock and has the white pieces for the taking, while the left one is bare and has the black pieces on offer. The heiress of Snowglass smiles at them as they approach.]
O: Nice to meet you again, gentlemen. Please, take your seats.
L: Good afternoon, Vidame. You seem in much better spirits today.
O: Indeed! The weather is perfect, the Dow Jones and SGX alike are tranquil, and I’d just finished a tall glass of what might be the best tea I’ve tasted this whole decade.
M: Oh? Do tell.
O: Blueberry-lemon-lychee. Iced. Though, please understand that I must keep the place a secret for now. Wouldn’t want a hidden gem scrutinized too early, see.
Makoto and Laurent look at each other, but Opal is unperturbed.
M: …Of course. That’s okay. I definitely know the feeling.
L: And what twisted machinations have you in store for us today?
O: I’m glad you asked, Mr. Thierry. I shall be playing against both of you simultaneously today, but on separate boards, so as to avoid the disharmony of last time.
M: You can do that?
O: But of course. Now, you’ll notice that only Mr. Thierry’s board has a clock. This is intentional; we shall play 3-minute Blitz. Whereas, you, Mr. Edamura, may play at whatever pace you like, and I’ll do my best to keep up.
M: Okay, I’m ready. What about you, honey?
L: [pause] …Certainly.
O: All right. Let’s dance!
The games begin. Opal’s bodyguards keep careful watch the whole time, making sure that Makoto and Laurent remain focused on their respective games. Lorelei also silently holds up a transparent plastic baggie containing Opal’s phone, as if to reassure the men.
Though, it seems to be of no use for Laurent.
Eventually, Opal speaks up again.
O: [groans] Mr. Thierry, what troubles you so? You have but 25 seconds left on your clock and all you’ve done is turn a mainline Ruy Lopez into the Berlin—an impenetrable fortress of misery. You do realize I do not seek to defile your honor or anything similar, yes?
L: I… um—
O: Rhetorical question. [frowns] Meanwhile, Mr. Edamura and I have finished three games so far, with a tally of 1-2 in favor of myself. Do you not see the problem here?
M: Please, forgive my fiancé’s rudeness.
O: I refuse. Also, it is not your place to apologize for your partner being a total killjoy. You’ve done well! Three different Sicilians back-to-back, and you’ve remained dynamic all throughout. Were you lying to me last time when you said you were usually the loser in games between Mr. Thierry and yourself? Because I simply do not believe it.
M: [sad smile] I was. My Laurent and I, we’ve never been ones to play for leisure before. Work always came first. As a businesswoman, I’m sure you’re familiar with our kind of tale.
L: [...]
O: Hm. How about this: You, Mr. Edamura, shall set up an opening for a chess game—which you believe Mr. Thierry can have fun playing against myself at any time control.
M: Really? Anything at all?
O: Yep, knock yourself out!
Makoto quickly gets to work.
O: As for you, Mr. Thierry, are you familiar with the Iliad?
Laurent just stares at her.
O: [sigh] Of course you are. But have you ever read it in French?
L: …Parts of it, yes, but—
O: Lemme take a wild guess: it’s too long to sit through the whole thing in any language you know. Am I wrong?
L: That’s—
O: And you already saw too many adaptations or remakes or other snippets about it in every other fucking country you’ve been to. Ugh.
L: …
O: Are you familiar with the works of one André Chénier, French poet?
L: No…. Never heard of him.
O: Of course you haven’t. He isn’t that famous. But he’s the best poet of his whole generation.
L: [hesitant smile] And, um… which generation would that be, exactly?
O: Born and died way too young centuries before you, pretty boy.
L: Okay… so if Monsieur Chénier is not so famous, why are you so sure he is the “best of his generation,” as you’ve put it?
O: Oh, you want me to prove my appreciation for his poetry, do you now? You don’t believe I—Singaporean heiress to a jewelry brand—can enjoy old French poetry you’ve never heard about; is that it? You consider yourself to be of superior taste than me when it comes to art made by the French?
L: I did not say any of those words and you know it, Ms. Fong.
O: What did I say before about calling me ‘miss,’ again?
L: …Oh, do forgive me.
O: Nope, I refuse to forgive your insult, Mr. Thierry. You forget yourself. Know your place.
Silence.
O: And yet, thankfully, there is someone else here in this park with us to remind you of where you’ve placed your heart—even after you’d lost track of it. Mr. Edamura, how goes?
Makoto looks up, as if snapped out of a trance.
M: Uh… here. Not sure if this is the best choice, but—
Seemingly for no reason, tears start to fall from Opal’s eyes.
L: Demoiselle, what’s wrong? Please excuse my rudeness—
M: No, shit—it’s my fault!
O: The name…
Makoto and Laurent look at each other.
O: Of this opening.
M: …Catalan.
O: Which variation?
M: Uh… the main line?
O: The name of this variation, Mr. Edamura.
M: Open Catalan. Classical.
O: Who played this?
M: Uh—lots of people! Grandmasters!
O: But where did you first see it, Mr. Edamura? Which grandmaster or grandmasters? Where did they play it? When did you watch it?
M: Uhh, Kramnik vs. Carlsen! 2007! Can’t pronounce the name of the tournament! I just saw it on TV!
And then, the damnedest thing happens: Opal starts laughing. It bubbles out of her, first as a little giggle, then grows into something full-on raucous—like she’s just heard the funniest joke anyone’s ever told her.
Laurent is bewildered. He surreptitiously glances at Dante and Lorelei, but they stand just as still as ever. Absolutely no reaction.
M: Um, sweetheart... d’you think she’s okay?
Laurent takes a moment to think about it—but the thought is interrupted by the sound of a bell:
“Ice cream! Ice cream!”
O: Oh, thank goodness.
Opal clears her throat.
O: Manong, isang ube nga po. Ube lang, wala nang iba. Pinaka malaking size na meron kayo. May panukli po ba kayo sa ₱200?
V: Meron naman po.
Makoto and Laurent look at each other again, at a loss since neither of them speak the language, and the only other people who do are too intimidating to even look straight in the eye.
Opal regards the two men with a displeased frown.
O: Game over. Away with you now. Both of you. Shoo.
It’s only after Makoto and Laurent have left the park that they realize—it’s already sunset.
ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE LGBT+ COMMUNITY...
(a tale of religious de-conversion from cisnormativity, presented by Chantelle, Vera, & Prisme dedicatedly cosplaying AND roleplaying as the singular Moe.)
some of y'all STILL don't understand the WHYs of the major flavors of xtianity and at this point it is simply embarrassing. american jews have also confused the fuck out of y'all by focusing solely on drip and vibes; that DOES NOT help 💀
let me make this simple:
VARIOUS ORTHODOX FAITHS: never forget the separation between above v below. someone came first. someone will come after. we have already been convinced of our own faith. kill the desire for originality before it destroys you.
CATHOLICISM: church of rome. rich. the trigger finger. the regret of death. decorate the corpses of those desecrated in life, so that those who come after only see the sparkly shiny things. SPONSOR/PATRONIZE the living miserable, so they don't end up like all our dead trinkets.
PROTESTANTISM: church of break-aways. envious, straight up. wanna be right, therefore must convince you someone else is wrong. defined by dirty water veins. the stench of death. thus, they obsess over cleanliness + diligence + avoiding death. fears deviance; deviance = sick = death. not actually convinced that heaven exists.
EVANGELISM: absolutely convinced that heaven exists—because they were born in hell. hell is futility, feebleness. the unliving cannot move by themselves; spent too long being told about hell. must portray and promote heaven, at all costs & at all times. convince and persuade everyone it exists. lie about having found it or already being in it or having created it. yes really, we have the receipts! creating a hell of a mind is a commensurate price to pay. yearn for punishment as absolution.
FUNDAMENTALISM: total black hole of denial. the king of pointland. point point point, sneer stare whisper, but smile and hug and perform purity. unable to admit own hurts. unable to differentiate self from time from world. the worst of all.
shoutout to mizu blue eye samurai for having 4 white devils but i think i might have gotten a better deal bc turns out scotland sent 6+ angels 😭
unfriendly reminder that i will ALWAYS be a lesbophobe. proudly. i fucking hate you bitches.
any woman you don't find sexually or romantically or matrimonically attractive is a "baby mama" or "kabit" or "white trash" or "too manly" or "too fat" or "too thin" or "clashing colors" and if their culture is too far from what you would personally fuck—ESPECIALLY transmasculine people who don't let you fondle their genitals, who are dark-skinned and scarred and heavily accessorized?
you just call them ugly over and over again and mock any man or woman who finds them attractive
YOU ARE DISGRACEFUL. YOU DO NOT LOVE WOMEN. YOU HATE YOURSELF AND YOU'RE MAKING IT EVERYONE ELSE'S PROBLEM
FUCK LESBIANS WHO CAN'T EVEN BE HAPPY WITH AN UGLY FREAK, NEED TO SCREAM EVERYWHERE ABOUT WHO THEY WILL OR WON'T FUCK 💀
An Audience with “Opal”
[Set. Dusit Thani]
[A chess board has been set before Makoto and Laurent. After over two hours of waiting for the Snowglass heiress’ concentric rings of bodyguards and other companions to clear a path and allow them to approach, the heiress now sits before them, opposite a vintage maplewood table. Her legs are crossed, and her chin rests daintily atop her hands. On her left side is a plate with a half-eaten slice of black velvet cake. On her right, her Purple Samsung, folded in half, and a discarded surgical face mask. With her polarized shades and the dim lighting in the event hall, the two men cannot read anything from her eyes.]
O: Go ahead, you two.
L: Two against one? That hardly seems fair, My Lady.
O: No game of strategy is fair. I’ve also given you the white pieces and, with that, the first move advantage. Why so hesitant, still?
M: Well… but of course, even with the odds stacked against our favor, we’re hardly in any position to beat a veteran such as yourself, Ms. Fong.
O: Opal. Call me Opal.
M: I apologize, Ms. Opal.
O: Did I say to add a ‘Miss’ in there, too?
L: What he meant is—
O: Not married yet, and you’re already speaking over him. Hm.
M: [cough] Darling, how about you make the first move?
Silence.
O: How sad, Mr. Thierry. You are unwilling to play games you are not sure to win. Did you think I challenged you in order to battle wits? Not everything is about winning, you know.
M: Okay, fine. There.
Makoto moves a white pawn to e4. Opal immediately replies with e5.
Makoto then makes a flurry of moves in the opening, mostly improvising. He gives Laurent several looks and nudges to participate as well, but his partner’s eyes are trained sharply on their mark. Meanwhile, Opal gives Makoto no time to think or react at all, moving as surely and automatically as a casino dealer.
O: Mr. Thierry, your fiancé is losing. Will you make no move to help him?
L: I’ve not much to contribute, I fear; never really was the chess prodigy.
O: You mean to tell me this position is unsalvageable? Mr. Edamura, do you allow the man you’re going to marry to insult you as such often?
M: Um—no, of course not! My Laurent means well; he’s just… more of a poker and blackjack kinda guy, y’know?
O: I figured. But he does know how to play chess, yes?
M: Certainly! In fact, I’m usually the loser whenever we play together. Right, babe?
Instead of replying, Laurent finally makes his first move all game: trading a knight for a bishop.
Opal ignores the provocation and simply develops.
From there, the conversation dries up.
Laurent makes some moves confidently, but other times, he turns to Makoto for his input. They spend more time glancing each other and wordlessly bickering on their next move than paying any attention to Opal’s side of the board.
Until… it hits them out of nowhere.
O: And, that’s mate. Good game, gentlemen.
M: Wait, what? But-
Laurent tugs at Makoto’s sleeve, gesturing at the black bishop that had delivered the killing blow from afar.
M: Oh. Forgive me.
O: What is there to forgive? You two played the game as best you could, and then lost fair and square… or, do either of you disagree with the results?
L: Not so much the results. Rather, can it even be called a game when your victory was never in doubt?
Unexpectedly, that makes Opal chuckle.
O: Still obsessed with winning. Hm. Mr. Edamura, do you know the name of the opening we’ve played?
M: Uh… Four Knights?
O: Correct! Specifically, the Scotch. Now, Mr. Thierry, what would you say was the pace of this game between us three?
Laurent smiles hesitantly.
L: A casual game, My Lady. No time control.
O: That’s where you’re wrong. You, Mr. Edamura, were playing Bullet. However, your fiancé plays in Blitz. Tsk.
She purses her lips.
O: Your engagement is premature. Good night, gentleman.
And with a quick swipe of her phone and mask, Opal departs.
TO KEEP IT SIMPLE:
moe | 29 | 🇵🇭🇯🇵🏴🏳️⚧️ | “one” hell* of a ‘fic writer(?)
JPN PRO/NOUNS:
moe (萌え) — “俺”
prisme (プリスメ) — “わたくし”
vera (ヴェラ) — “僕”
chantelle (シャンテエル / シャンちゃん) — “アタシ”
2ND PERSON PRONOUNS:
LEARN TAGALOG
ugh
ECO-LOKO-LITO!
The story of how a dream-come-true in social mobility turned into a nightmare of political imprisonment and international mockery.
Or:
They, indeed, took care of their own. I wasn't wrong about that. It was why I had felt such assurance doing everything I did. I had assumed I would be protected, as thanks for my services and unfailing loyalty. What I had misjudged was that they didn't consider me as one of their own. Even after all these years, I was still a stray with whom they shared a trivial amount of blood. At the end of the day, that trivial amount of blood wasn't quite thick enough to mean anything. And so Doña Asta cut me loose.
Or:
A rural peasant girl turned city sewer rat gets a new lease on life as the mob lawyer of a multinational corporation, subsequently inspires + enables + covers up the largest eco-terrorist attack in post-WW2 Philippine history, and then gets abruptly jailed after the entire story is exposed to the press.
MAJOR CHARACTERS
Graciella (née Richter) Maravilló (Gracie)
Jo's first friend + girl crush in the manor.
Jim's girlfriend + eventual wife + mother of his children.
Jaime Emmanuel Maravilló (Jim)
Doña Asta's favorite legitimate grandson and presumptive heir to the company.
Chicago economics + MIT fintech bro background.
Jo envies him for his legitimacy, intellect, good looks, and for having Gracie's unquestionable devotion + partnership.
Treats Jo as a rival in business/law and also as a genuine younger cousin, but is careful never to let it show.
Maria Anastasia Maravilló (Doña Asta)
Matriarch.
89 years old at the start of the narrative proper.
White-knuckling, clan-aware, devout Catholic meztiza.
Holds no official position in the family business, but NOTHING ever goes through without her clear and express approval anyway.
Jolene Rivera (Jo)
Helena Rivera
Jo's mother
Distantly related to the Maravillós
Single, never married
Jo's father is a forbidden topic
Zelda (née Bautista) Toledo
Jo's best friend during university.
Got pregnant in high school by her boyfriend, Paul, but they decided to stay together and raise the child.
Accountant.
Hobbies include calligraphy, volleyball, tee shirt printing, + more!
Paul Toledo
Zelda's boyfriend, father of their son, and eventual husband + life partner.
Professional videographer and cinematographer with a lifelong love and passion for anime, comics, and video games.
Jo loves + trusts him implicitly.
Alexander Salas (Lex)
Jo's best friend + boy crush in law school.
Bisexual.
Eventually goes abroad and marries an American girl (black woman, singer-actress).
Lex and his eventual wife are both lifelong anime otakus and enthusiasts of Japanese erotica.
After they get married, they pretty much treat Jo as a secret third partner—asking a lot for her advice and recommendations when it comes to BDSM, erotica, art, & fashion.
Iris Fajardo
MEET ANTONIO:
(HISPANIA / SPAIN HETALIA / CATHOLIC WHORE)
vampire
ex-iberian royalty
ex-catholic clergy
ex-nueva españa military (too-high-ranking dude, don't need to know the rank, just trust me; he was not happy there)
ex-husband of too many men, women, and enbys
ex-boyfriend of too many people also
ex-dom / ex-top / ex-affair of yet more people
can't marry him, can't force him to be faithful to you, can't make him promise never to hurt you
he's just bi.
byesexual. byelingual. byepolar. bye, bitches!
he JUST IS a better man than every other guy who stayed/still stays at every place he has already left behind
he's a friend to sex workers, an evil advisor to bigots and businessmen, a patronizing shoulder to cry on for regressive/self-infantalizing widdles trapped in their own victimhood
he doesn't care what you call him: dude, bro, sir, father, daddy, devil, or whatever else helps you sleep at night.
he'll fuck or suck or cuddle or kiss et al. you... if you want. you gotta ask for it, though. clear and informed consent, and consistent feedback throughout.
also, you can ASK or BEG or PLEAD or SCREAM at him to drink your blood... but he won't. that's his one limit.
and afterwards, after doing whichever deed with you, he has to leave.
he has a lot of friends and a lot of hobbies and a lot of other places to be.
you will never be able to meet all of antonio's friends or partake in all of his interests. that's okay.
you can't have all of antonio. you can't handle him. he knows. he can SMELL that you still hadn't gotten over your own bullshit.
how does he know? won't tell you.
where does he drink blood? whose blood does he drink? where does he go during the day? won't tell you.
you don't deserve to know.
and yet... you can catch antonio sometimes, candidly, at places you know he's frequented before. like that bar where you met.
they love him over there. he's a regular. no one dares utter a bad word about him. no matter how deep you try to dig about antonio's past, everyone else at the bar or club will never divulge his dirty laundry to you.
because they know you can't handle the truth.
you want antonio. you lust over him. you feel romantic attraction towards him. you wanna know more about him, make him spend more of his time on you.
but you don't know where he's been. you've never been to all those places he left. you've never met all those people he had to divorce or break up with.
you don't know antonio. you don't respect him. and every single other one of his friends, enemies, and even exes KNOW you don't respect him.
because you keep asking for more.
more of what? topping, domming, violation, worship, cheers, claps.
attention.
meditate on that for a while.
in the meantime, i'll sketch out the next chapter, which explores the tragicomic triad between gilbert, francis, and antonio in this 'verse.
bye!
SOME THINGS TO CHEW ON:
music playlist to understand the east asian vampiric literature tradition:
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLImjBbdh1bOn_eRFYdMNY5cmhmoLHeGUu
music playlist to understand the euro-american vampiric literature tradition:
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLImjBbdh1bOnzqB8m42sNT5ofwKfrm5ix
music playlist to mourn the discordance between these 2 disparate literary legacies BUT ALSO root for me to unify them:
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLImjBbdh1bOmjfxmAtREhg8VInjEOEME-
and finally, music playlist for jews who can never be happy in any one country, can't move back home, can't settle down elsewhere because there is ALWAYS someone fucking else who has hated your work before that you're forced to be short-distance worsties with no matter where you try to go:
https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLImjBbdh1bOkJcb6P1sG-bxfBK2aVZte1
how do i know?
read my fucking blood chem!!!
scottish-jewish, yamato-japanese, spanish-meztizo, filipino-tagalog
my dad's surname = "wooden man" + "wadat-al-wujud"
my mom's surname = "copium + hopium of toledo, spain"
my girlies' names:
veronika "vera" wang
prisme, italian word for prism, referring to the optical prism
jeanne chantelle d'veronique a la _zxrandr
my name:
moe. 萌え soft, cute, little. the diminutive.
STOP FUCKING HITTING YOURSELF!!!!!
THE FALSE EQUIVALENCE + IGNORANT SHAGGING + SHOTGUN MARRIAGES OF
THE EURO-AMERICAN VAMPIRIC+DEMONIC+SPOOKY LITERARY TRADITION
WITH/AMONG/VERSUS
THE EAST-ASIAN VAMPIRIC+DEMONIC+SPOOKY LITERARY TRADITION
has always been the most absurd of all of y'all's fucking errors. jesus fucking wept.
JULIUS EVOLA WAS ALWAYS JUST ANOTHER ONE OF MY EX-OOMFS
i met a british spy once, who did not even know why evola was like that.
i met a canadian jester once, who used evola as copium for his own cissiness.
and i met an american catgirl, who had completely forgotten evola because she was too trapped in nietzsche's infinite cuckoldry.
find deleuze. pray to john conway. cry to some eminem.
you'll be fine.
did i really just write this on a whim to argue with someone on discord in 2021 💀
super late and long reply but hopefully this is the final nail in the coffin of the "capitalism is a requisite for imperialism" argument:
the relay was mercantilism -> imperialism and colonialism -> classical liberalism (from rich colonials) -> capitalism -> liberal democracy -> modern conservatism -> burke et al. influenced capitalism -> neocons -> modern liberalism (libdem with a prog flavor) -> neolib capitalism
somewhere in that relay you also see the right-libertarian (rand, rothbard, etc.) and paleolibertarian (going back to draw from classlib) influences in neolib capitalism. whereas socdem, soclib, patcon, etc. are also close behind on a more roundabout path diverging from libdem. though patcon has been almost completely supplanted in the west by neolib's conservative flavor, leading smooth brains to see welfare and other socdem-ish policies as exclusively progressive.
anyway, from that rough relay, we can see the colonialism and old school imperialism most of us are familiar with were before capitalism became a distinct ideology. in fact, before economics even became a separate field of study.
neo-imperialism fits into the tree at around when the neocons come in. neo-imp is distinct from old school imperialism by the existence of multinational corporations and the absence of open international war. tankies could make a stronger argument by saying neo-imperialism is exclusive to capitalism, or that capitalism is a prerequisite for neo-imperialism. this is since neo-imp actually evolved from cappies favoring interventionism so they can get resources and puppet states.
it's still wrong though as communist regimes 100% engaged in the same neo-imperialist tactics to secure their own national interests. so they can't claim the high ground on this one.
bottom line: no matter the economic system, as long as interventionism is favored to either get resources or produce allied puppet states, imperialism will happen. imperialism is inherent to statists, not capitalism. it just so happens that all the strong, interventionist states today are capitalist, so they're the ones fueling neo-imperialism. (yes, even china.)
pure capitalism also doesn't make for effective imperialism, as capitalists are too short-sighted and profit-focused to pull it off. they need the stability and casus belli of a strong state to even have an effective coup and establish their puppet state for them.
tankies can also argue "we're not imperialists, we're internationalists" and they are welcome to PROVE IT. if they can make alliances without treating their allied countries as subservient or eating up that smaller clay immediately, then i'll believe them.
but until then, tankies are pro-imperialist hypocrites and they can fuck off.
[2025 addendum: china, europe, the states, and everyone else has proven themselves to me. they are all playing their parts now. i no longer feel betrayed or unheard! no more barbarism lmao. now i'm sure.]
LEARN black & japanese & tech otaku queer history:
https://www.tumblr.com/moetxt/777357766137364480/respect-black-japanese-queer-history
LETTERS TO NO ONE #2:
Esteemed Madame L,
Thank you for telling my story.
I lived my whole life taking cracked open dollhouses with no furniture water or electricity or escape, filled them with dead batteries to call people, and told stories to kids from brokenner homes about how they were always smart and they could always be happy as long as they learned to yearn for that which could neither be found in my dollhouse, nor named in my stories, nor said in the pop songs I covered just for them. Told them to stop studying so much, stop trying to fix their parents' marriage or learn too much about their relatives' wrongs or grip their siblings/peers too tight. While they insisted I could never understand them as I was an only child with two loving married parents.
My mother was an abyss of unknowable trauma and I will need the rest of my life to gradually convince her through comforting stories and cover songs and sparkles of jokes until she finally falls into a deep and dreamless and painless slumber.
Whereas, my dad and all the men in all my families and communities are always defined by where they cannot go, where someone else already left, and they can never return for they will lose themselves in it.
My dad was a Scottish-Japanese-Filipino Religious Skeptic but definitely believer, raised by an enigmatic Freemason father, a white-knuckling, proud, too clan-aware, devout Catholic Filipina mother, and many siblings he either couldn't make sense of, couldn't convince of their flaws, or felt the mysterious absence of.
He found himself in Prog Rock, especially Pink Floyd and Santana and Alan Parsons project, but HAAAATED the Beatles. Many men from his generation loved them though, so he learned to just smile and nod and leave the room, and reply vaguely along the lines of "Hm. Troubling." or crack a subtle yet clever joke when anyone blamed Yoko for their downfall.
This is because he alone understood why his paternal grandfather had to simply leave Glasgow and never talk about why or who he was, slaved as a commissar in the US Military and fought in every war from the Spanish-American to WW2, deployed mostly between the Philippines and the enemy.
My dad alone understood why his paternal grandpa kept serving and feeding and clothing American soldiers and silently watching them kill and die or be destroyed by all of the burgeoning American empire's enemies... until.
He met Her. My dad's paternal grandma was born in a little fishing village in Nagasaki, Japan. They went back and forth between Japan and the Philippines until their eventual marriage and siring of 4 children. She changed her first name to Maria and could not perform the talk of English or Tagalog that her new community expected of her. They thought she was weird and sad, frazzled by her too-many kids and sick-then-dead white husband. So she reassured them in the language of religion, absolute devotion to Mary mother of Jesus and complete denial of Magdalene.
She performed Filipina Catholic Cisfemininity until it broke her. She yearned to reunite with her husband all her life, and kept creating the same stories: daughters, sisters, etc. convinced they're not enough, could never be clean or pure or happy, just beg for more Jesus, or find a white/rich/smart man you can tolerate, and leave this place.
Her sons and any males who were younger knew to comfort her and find themselves somewhere else, based on the clues and jokes of their silent smiling forefathers or saddest brother/male peer. But the younger girlies always silently resented so deeply it became a gash in their very soul, the unadmittable, forbidden knowledge. Those who could not admit their own self-gossip broke trying to find jobs or arts or romances at home or in any other place. Those who could not heed the warning and leave hard enough worked themselves to death for men or children or bosses or pastors who would never tell them thank you or sorry, just scold them to do less and leave to make them do more.
But those who listened just enough to the most contradictory person in their generation, such as my Dad the second son with eldest daughter syndrome, or my paternal grandpa the most homeless-at-home, with his perfect English no Tagalog and most squinty Asian eyes, the only one who stayed in the PH and became the life partner of a Filipina, yet denied his youth of fathering and orphaning a different family elsewhere...
My mom's family was the perfect mirror. Those who would never leave or admit their hurts, just hurt others more until someone got fed up and left. So after being born in the same hospital in the same year of the rooster, he a cancer and she a scorpio - Dad kept leaving places and never finishing things, refusing to choose a religion or a job or a wife, but bedazzling everyone who didn't understand him with jokes and stories and songs and his own dissatisfaction with himself.
Bickered with and scolded his eldest brother for being lazy, hinted and suggested and actualized him into leaving his first wife and three children until he dared to be a freeloader who refused to stop being visibly sicker in front of their still purer-than-thou relatives and communities, with a calculated teacher girlfriend he could never marry or seemingly fuck, for their romance was too profane for her family and too disgusting for his family, until he died in maximum misery and pain. No children there, no ex-wife there, girlfriend forbidden from attending... but my Dad alone took Me to watch everything happen, made me attend the funeral service and nestled me into the softest coldest cocoon during it all. He pointed at me for every relative or friend or whoever else of his brother to mourn or squeeze or kiss or hug or cry into or smother with blankets in order to command me to sleep... until I either succumbed to their demands or blew up at Dad in anger and demanded to go outside, after which he would silently nudge me towards unhealthy drinks or snacks or trinkets, uncomfortable pews in front of the corpse, look at the stuffed and dressed and makeuped corpse right in their closed eyes, touch the glass of the half open coffin, compare the corpse with the big framed photo of them at their best displayed right beside, smell the ornate and clinical flower garlands that surrounded it all with the names and surnames of everyone who either smothered me earlier or never even bothered to show up
Pampered and comforted his gay younger brother whom he forbade from fucking or being fucked, just told to keep being the life all the parties and karaoke/shower singer and best leader of the homeowners association. They loved him, and always wanted more, especially women, but my dad was extremely strict with how this brother was treated and who he was allowed to have around. No communists, no muslims, no gay agitators, no criminals or too-close-with-prisoners types of people. Why? That suburb they settled down in was originally owned by Spanish-Catholic friars, seized by the burgeoning Philippine government under America's thumb, and given away with priority for high officials in the judicial system. Right outside on one side was one of the worst prisons in the entire Philippines. Right outside on the other was one of the most luxurious US-style suburbs for the richest of the rich. Through the back gate ran a highway that connected the too-dense NCR with the aspiring-to-be-denser nearby urbanized non-NCR cities. Through the front gate was the rabble. That suburb was used by my dad as a container - because he knew his fat, jolly, effeminate, love-starved, 100% homosexual younger brother would be used up and spat out by any men who thought they could get away with it OR grinded down to dust by the demands of those poorer or more oppressed or generally female. My dad PERFORMED as an Islamophobe and queerphobe and mysoginist anti-divorce anti-abortion criminal justice system supporter - because he only loved one gay, and that was his brother. And he fucking knew no one else would respect him. So he contained him. Until I came around. Out of all my dad's siblings, his gay brother was my favorite. Trustworthy. I loved his singing in the shower, loved the religious implements and soft thick mattress in his bedroom, loved his laughter, loved to take photos whenever he was behind the camera, loved his size and warmth, utter safety. I did not know what the fuck homosexuality was. But my mom called this uncle a gay with disdain and my dad said being gay is a sin. And yet. He was still my favorite uncle. Until we moved away, then my dad forbade me from attending the 6th birthday party that uncle meticulously planned just for me, and in the same fucking month he died of a heart attack. A typhoon came and I saw my dad cry for the first time in my life as we packed to attend his funeral. And he took all the joy out of this fucking world with him; I saw it leave my father's eyes. My mom remarked at some point that it's annoying to have to wade through a storm just to attend the funeral of some fat gay who ate himself to death, no wonder it was a heart attack, and she never did approve of his parties and gifts/treats for me, because then I would get fat too. My dad had no words for her. I don't remember the funeral rites. But I guarantee Filipinos remember that typhoon.
LETTERS TO NO ONE #1:
A Gathering of Mice - ?
Earlier, my elderly landlady called for me. She sounded tense, so I came quick. I asked what happened and she whisper-shouted with much urgency, "It's the mice, [Name]. The mice are angry with me!"
Now, I didn't question the presence of the mice. The house we share was built in the 70s, back when my landlady and her late husband got married. Spacious and sturdy with plenty of space for the mice. And we are used to the mice; she, I, and the other tenants are all easily frightened by bugs and rodents. Not violent, though. We just avoid them or chase them away without hurting them so as not to invite revenge, but it's not just that.
My landlady, a retired elementary school science teacher, does not approve of rat poison. She says the poisoned remains of dead pests are all soaked into the water and soil and eventually come right back to the animals and plants we humans eat or use. She also dislikes traps, as I learned when I first moved in, because, "Why should I waste my time and money collecting and disposing of all those corpses when their own kin already do that for free? I'm an old woman, not an undertaker."
All in all, our relationship with the mice is not cordial but also not hostile. We will shoo them away if they're disruptive, try to steal or damage things not theirs or not garbage, or get up too close in our business, but that's it. If the mice mind their own, we'll mind ours.
And so I wondered, why would the mice be angry today? I asked her for more details so we could crack this puzzle.
Apparently, while my landlady was cleaning outside and tending to the garden this morning, she noticed all the mice were more active and noisier than usual. At first, she ignored it. That just happens sometimes and we're all used to it. Most often, the mice and other animals (and even people for that matter) act up because the weather is bad or unpredictable. Normal stuff.
However, January here is nice and mild, probably the most comfortable month of the year. No typhoons, but not too hot either. The weather's perfect, so it must be something else.
My landlady carries on explaining. At first, the mice were noisy, and then very noisy. They also kept flitting around the house in a hurry, sometimes even in small groups, too fast for her to see if they carried anything and much less figure out why they seemed so busy.
Over the course of the morning, she went from idly curious to actively annoyed until the big mess finally happened. She was sitting outside in the sun, reading the morning newspaper leisurely among her plants. Then, she noticed a few entirely foreign mice from down the road.
At this, I interrupted her story to ask how she knew these were different mice. Mice in our whole region all kinda look the same to me except for stuff like age/size. I can't even tell apart male and female mice and I know no other human in this house could either.
My landlady huffed, "Believe me, those were different mice. Our mice know better than to try and ruin my garden!" And I was like... oh. Her precious garden. I should've figured.
See, another thing about my landlady is she is infertile and cares little for pets like cats and dogs. However, she loves her plants like children. The tall old mango tree, planted by her husband in the backyard, is sacred above all. Next come her flowers all around the house, then her tomatoes and red chilli peppers, then the miscellaneous bushes, shrubs, and other stuff.
She tends to them every day, speaks to them like old friends or precocious kids depending on her mood, mourns them if they become damaged or diseased, and removes with surgical precision any invasive plants that might harm them.
Thus, it did not surprise me at all that my landlady snapped. She aggressively shoo'd away the newcomers. She assessed the damage to her garden and it only made her angrier. She went around the house to all the mice's usual spots and lectured them furiously as if they were her rowdy elementary school students. She told me she doesn't know what they're up to or why, but she's certain our mice must have somehow invited those foreign fellows and let them trample through her garden.
I asked, so are the mice mad at you now because you went full 'angry old teacher' telling them off? She answered with an emphatic yes.
My landlady asked me to look around and, sure enough, I saw the biggest mouse in the house just... there, watching us. I asked, "Are you scared? Should I go to Sir Noel for help?"
Sir Noel is a local district councilor and the bravest, most serious neighbor we know. My landlady thought for a bit, then agreed.
Before I left for Sir Noel's house, she stopped me and asked, "You agree the mice are in the wrong, don't you? They're the ones who brought strange mice over to ruin my garden. I'm the one who deserves to hold a grudge, not that huge fellow who's stalking me now!"
At first, I was about to reflexively agree with her and offer some comfort to ease her anxiety, but then I stopped to think for a moment. Mice... this reminds me of those old songs.
Instead of anything polite, I fake-gasped at my landlady and blurted out, "Well, no wonder the mouse patriarch is begrudging you now. His guests ruined your garden, but YOU ruined his daughter's wedding!"
My landlady shook her head in disapproval. "You're not funny. Just go already. Shoo!"
I smiled apologetically, nodded, and finally went to fetch Sir Noel. And yeah, maybe my joke was really bad, and I have no idea if the biggest mouse is male or female or if mice even do weddings, but hey. For once, I had considered the plight of mice, not just men.
AFTER READING, PLEASE PARTICIPATE IN THE EXERCISE MENTIONED IN THE END NOTES. IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO ME <3
LEARN THE LESSON
WHEREABOUTS OF MY LOST FURY
I am stirred from the flat seabed of my emotions, where I usually lay. This is a place where everything else in the world sounds muffled by bubbles and currents, and dissolves into ripples by the slightest press of a finger. But today, I have floated far enough above to be swept into a dizzying torrent. I am a confused globe spinning on a shifting liquid axis, but in my view it is everything that revolves around me. I can think of nothing for I have remembered something: at some point—I have since forgotten when—I had been angry. Furious. The original reason for that anger is immaterial now, likely as transient as the sealife I swat away and swim past as I ascend to the surface with renewed purpose. I feel an urge to tense my limbs and let my face contort into a sneer at the mere memory of it. For all that time at the seafloor I had forgotten how anger felt, but now that I remember, I cannot help but seek that feeling again. I break the surface of the water, tantalized, searching for the whereabouts of my lost fury. It cannot be found in the noontime sun, against which I must squint and shield my eyes, bringing me nothing but a faint annoyance. A more promising frustration grips me as I pad my way to shore and am forced to walk with waterlogged heavy limbs, but even that fails to deliver as I accustom myself to land once more. The sand burning my skin supplies me with intermittent sparks of what I seek, yet those sparks are unable to set me aflame. Finally, the crowd blocking my path triggers that burst, that flash of rage that thrums through my veins, and I am angry again. I am angry at those disrupting my chase by obscuring the trail. I am raising my voice. I am laying waste to them for I am angry again. I have found my lost fury, the hearth within me, but by this fact I am so delighted that at the very next moment it is lost. The delight suffocates my fury to cinders, and is itself reduced to nothingness by the inhospitable high noon. The whole beach gives way beneath me until I am exhaling bubbles, and back down at the seabed I lay once more.
WHO THE FUCK STILL THINKS THIS IS AN EXPRESSION OF GENTLE MOTHERLY LOVE?
WHO THE FUCK IS STILL ASHAMED OF CALLING IT AS SUCH?
WHO STILL CAN'T HAVE FUN?
THE CONDITION
[SETTING: A PLAIN ROOM SOMEWHERE IN THE OSPITAL NG MUNTINLUPA]
[CHARACTERS: ME, MISSIONARY]
[SETTING: YET ANOTHER PLAIN ROOM IN THE SAME BUILDING]
[CHARACTERS: ME, PATHOLOGIST]
MISSIONARY: Do you ever feel trapped, drowned, or overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness?
ME: I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t.
MISSIONARY: Have you ever thought of killing yourself?
ME: Tried to multiple times, think about it every day. Again, this is the reason I’m here.
MISSIONARY: That’s alarming. Have you ever considered that this might be traumatizing to the people closest to you? How would they feel if you were gone?
ME: I don’t make myself broke paying for your time just to hear you parrot my mother’s talking points. I can get those from her for free.
MISSIONARY: Don’t you think that’s a little harsh? I only want to help you. I’m here to listen to you. I want you to get better.
ME: This has got to be plagiarism of her thoughts. Is that a thing?
PATHOLOGIST: What are you thinking about?
ME: That old quote, “The truth will set you free.” It’s a bible verse, right?
PATHOLOGIST: Yes, John 8:32. Why are you thinking about it?
ME: I always think about it. I’m not religious at all, but it’s often on my mind.
PATHOLOGIST: And why is that?
ME: Wishful thinking. I’m trying to manifest it into reality. Every day I wake up, I wonder, is this finally the day when all the things I already know will set me free? I listen to other people who have gone through worse things than me, and they always have this moment of realizing things that have been true the whole time, and once they do everything shifts for them. They share their stories in hopes that others who are going through the same things can have that realization a little bit earlier than they did, to lessen their suffering. But I’ve always been aware of the things they enumerate. I’ve never had that moment where it all clicked into place, which set them on the path to getting better. Because everything’s already in place. I’m just not getting any better. The truth has never set me free. The truth is the cage wall made of glass, proudly showing off how well it ushered in the freedom of all the people outside. But not me. Why hasn’t it set me free?
PATHOLOGIST: Have you ever considered that this is because you might be missing a bigger truth that will affect you the same as all those others when it has been made apparent to you?
ME: All the time. This is my fantasy. It keeps me gorging on more and more truths hoping the next one will be the one that does it.
PATHOLOGIST: But nothing ever does.
ME: Yes.
PATHOLOGIST: Alternatively, have you considered that this is because there is no one truth that will set you free? That you have all the truths you need? You already have all the answers and that’s great, but what if that’s not enough? And what you need to get outside the cage is to use those truths to build your own crowbar and pry the door open? Have you ever considered setting yourself free?
ME: Yes, all the time. Where do I start?
PATHOLOGIST: Well, what do the “numerous truths you already know” tell you about where to start?
ME: Many things. Start small, build habits, marginal improvement, statements of gratitude, a mantra of happiness at the start of each day, sleep early, wake up early, meditate, eat well, clean up more.
PATHOLOGIST: These all sound great. Why not do them?
ME: What good reason could there possibly be not to do any of these? Of course they’re great and I should definitely do them. I’m sure they’ll make me better.
PATHOLOGIST: So why aren’t you?
ME: It’s frustrating. I can’t keep at them. I always fail when it comes to the execution.
PATHOLOGIST: Hold on, you lied. Second to last statement. Which bit was the lie?
ME: “I’m sure they’ll make me better.” I don’t believe this, but I wish I did. I want to believe it.
natalya, i miss you
but i'm willing to wait
just know i look forward to the day
we can watch some ballet together
you already know where
you already know whose story + music
the only thing still missing
is our time
but it's fine
i'm doing my part + you are too
we were always both the divine feminine
i'm just busier, balder, have more shadows to thaw
:p
I AM THE MATRIX OF FATE
YOU ALREADY KNOW ME
YOU JUST DIDN'T KNOW IT BEFORE
CONTEMPLATE THE ORV
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLImjBbdh1bOlBdj0A9zcJwzkyqwpLZVrw
SPREAD MY GOOD WORDS FAR AND WIDE
THERE ARE THOSE WITH HEARTS STILL FROZEN
https://www.tumblr.com/moetxt/776799535649456128/dear-utena-fans-you-think-you-understand-anthys
sigh
jeanne chantelle d'veronique a la _zrandrx = KURUMI TOKISAKI
or vice versa! depends on which one you spent most of your life so far doing
one of the biggest and yet most subtle signs of getting older is that you stop searching for something new and start searching for new ways to understand and interpret the old
........so it really is the case that if i try to write about and for myself, i am doomed to always make a muddled picture made up of everyone else, but if i pretend to write as and for someone else, the ink and paper impossibly congeal into a crystal clear mirror—and only then do i finally catch a glimpse of my own reflection. even worse, i cannot read the words or know the selves of others very well for my eyes see nothing but myself, whereas i read my own words way too much because my eyes see nothing but others.
is this the wizard's curse (manic episode rambling)... or is it some diety or other calling upon my soul to tell it i need to become a novelist?
also as for possible causes(?) triggers(?) of this current episode ive had time now to think of a few suspects
im on my period since yesterday
slept really well all week so far and woke up naturally no alarms for a few days now
been tryna keep low purine since this week
new uric acid and blood sugar medication
got really happy yesterday and this morning in a very specific way i havent felt since 2018 (this is a mania fueled recollection and realization)
got in a fight and super furious to the point of exploding for the first time since dec 31 2021 (this is also a mania fueled recollection ans realization)
(also to be clear 1 i did not get violent it was all bark 2 it was their fault for pushing me too much 3 most others thought i was justified or at least understandable 4 nonetheless i made sure to publicly profusely apologize and insist i was ashamed of my behavior and what i did was wrong 5 i was lying to the public though i am not ashamed i was correct and that asshole deserved it 6 thats awful but i hope its just the mania talking rn)
BYE. FOOD
(will it be over tomorrow or am i gonna get a 3 day streak for my first ever manic episode?)
(what's the average length of time anyway? need to look that up later)
(do i want it to be over?)
(i'm kinda scared the answer's no)
(cuz its only ever been depression for me and i'm sick sick sick sick tired tired sick of that shit)
(mania's different so maybe it's just novelty)
(once it's over...)
(will it happen again? again again? will i become bipolar?)
(or is this just a one time thing once in a lifetime thing once its over then its over and that means neverrrr againnnnn)
(?)
JEEZ GIRL BOY THING! EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT!
also yeah might be genderfluid? this ones not actually a new mania fueled realization, been pondering this for a while
i think its cool. im not cis and i definitely have dysphoria mostly along the lines of trans men, transmasculine people, and some butch lesbians, but im also not one singular permanent gender. also not a lesbian afaik. still aroace for 29y and counting but will report back if this ever changes.
also i dont have to finish my uncontrolled compulsive(?) intrusive(?) yaps(?) rants(?) all in one sitting jesus christ. they take forever very time consuming even though my brain doesnt feel like it at all
water
food
stretch
breathe
sleep?
im really glad i found this site and did my best to keep posting semi often cuz at first it was about me being sick of my poor memory but unable to journal like a normal person. thank you wesley youre really cool and i wish i could afford to pay. thoughts dot page has been so helpful to me for like the last 3(??) years. anyway
MIND
RUBBER DUCK DEBUGGING AND ITS MY OWN DAMN STATE OF MINE
fuckkkk ok another sudden realization. these NEED to stop coming ive had too many within the last 48 hours of this stupid baka life.
diary entries.
those war and peace length yapping comments reddit posts tumblr posts random self lore drops on friends
i dont need to post them
apprently its just easier (read: impossible) for me to get started the normal way
the only way my mind allows me to talk about myself is if i think im gonna have a very specific niche audience
i have to impress make it funny punchy more succinct
read over to edit mistakes and ease breaks in trains of thought by tryna make them more comprehensible to others
only when i feel i will be comprehensible to others does my mind allow me access to the mental and emotional articulation needed to be understood by me, my own
this is all completely new to me maybe way way overdue like as a psych major i SHOULDDD have known under the sun that nothings new ok can this bitch (me) stop like that rhymed and made less sense hey you i mean me im talking to y-
...me
OK FOR REAL THIS TIME IM GONNA EAT*
*FINISH WRITING MY COMMENT AND THENNNN FOR REALSIES EAT
rant still kinda reads like a poem in my head though dunno why
wait i was writing a long ass reddit comment i completely forgot💀
hm. way shorter than i thought. took half a minute to read through, yeah, that whole raving rant. thought i was writing way more and i was writing way faster but its been like an hour and im actually so so slow but idk why im feeling fast fast fast go go go go rhythms not quite there either in reality its much weaker but lets see how food goes
after years of total writer's block, slow difficult foggy thoughts, and constant forgetting spells, i seemed to have been struck since yesterday by a peculiar mental cocktail consisting of the following:
a sudden flood of sharp, vivid memories, which bloomed into endless fractals of recontextualizations, connections, analyses, and realizations upon every sight, sound, smell, taste, touch, and feeling i encountered as i went about my day, which was at once the same as always yet utterly different
a veritable cacophony of overly wordy and unnecessarily articulate thoughts and mental essays zipping around my mind by the dozens without rest for the second consecutive day now
a metric truckload of new ideas for fanfics essays novels biographies studies songs games poems tweets conversations and urges to sing rap dance draw paint sculpt act perform sketch comedy play fight walk run run run run!!!!!!
so like...what in the everloving fuck just happened to me? did someone/thing yank a faucet somewhere in my brain that made it go from anagonizing drip, drip... drip......... drip................. for years to suddenly an entire dam bursting in the course of two days with no signs of stopping yet???
i feel great and i feel terrible and i think think think think want think want to be good and to be evil and to travel and to splurge and to strut and to swim and to create and to destroy and recreate, recreate, reactreate, recreate, RECREATE!!!??.,-!?!?!!!!!!!!!
pause.
it's been like 5 years since i quit uni but i majored in psych lmfaoooo HOW DID I NOT REALIZE IT SOONER
THIS IS MANIA
AND IVE NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE BECAUSE IVE BEEN CLINICALLY DEPRESSED FOR OVER 16 YEARS AND THE ONLY THING THATS CLOSE TO HOW I FEEL NOW IS HOW ROWDY I WAS AS A KID BEFORE MENSTRUATION BEFORE DYSPHORIA BEFORE PCOS BEFORE FYBROMYALGIA BACK WHEN I COULD STILL RIDE A BIKE AND THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE I LOVED MORE AND I LAUGHED AND I CRIED AND I GOT ANGRY BUT ALWAYS ENDED THE DAY OKAY
THEN IT HAPPENED
PAX MENSTRUATION PAX DYSPHORIA PAX PCOS PAX FIBROMYALGIA WHYS THIS WHOLE POST IN SOME RHYTHM?? I ONLY NOTICED IT NOW JUST LIKE THE MANIA HAHA ITS KINDA FUNNY I SWEAR IM NOT DOING IT ON PURPOSE THOUGH ITS ALSO IRONIC CUZ I USED TO STRUGGLE SO MUCH WITH METERED POETRY BUT NOW ITS JUST LIKE IM BREATHING ITS THE LITERAL AIR
ANYWAYS SUFFERING!!!!! PAIN AND DEPRESSION WAS ENDLESS!!!!! FOR SIXTEEN FUCKING YEARS TIME WAS ALWAYS SLOW CRAWLING NOW ITS FASTER THAN LIGHT LIKE SOME CHEAP PLASTIC LASER TOY WHICH MUST MAKE ME A CAT LIKE I THINK ITS BEEN SECONDS BUT IVE BEEN WRITING FOR MINUTES REMEMBER THAT APP WRITE OR DIE I COULD NEVER GET USED TO IT I WAS ALWAYS TOO SLOW BUT MY RECORDS PROBABLY LONG BEEN PASSED RIGHT ABOUT NOW BUT WITHOUT A STOPWATCH I DONT KNOW
breathe im tired of the caps lock for now seems i used it for quite a while ill read back everything above for now or first maybe go eat
love when a song about a completely different emotion than the one i'm currently experiencing nonetheless resonates HARD with my emotion for a reason i don't fully understand.
the emotional frequency of the song is all at once:
not the same as my emotion
not similar/close to my emotion
not the opposite/parallel of my emotion
not arbitrarily discordant from my emotion
amplifies and gives catharsis(?) to my emotion
what is really happening here???
nothing here or nothing left
my thoughts are genuinely a mess i know its because of not reading and the more i dont do it the worse everything gets
showing up is the hardest part
even if you never wanna talk to me again i just wish you're okay out there. please
S/R/A i miss you so much!!!!!!!!! i don't know what i was to you but to me you were my best friend
[posting this here so i can delete it from google docs]
the trash can cult thing happened in high school. it was a science high school, so if you already think high schoolers are edgy and cynical, it was next level because everyone was burned out with brutal requirements. anyway, we went on our yearly retreat (a weekend at a catholic seminary in the mountains for "spiritual healing"), surrendered our flip phones and early tiny touchscreens, and were herded by friars and nuns through the place from one activity to the next.
it was actually a beautiful place, sprawling dirt roads cut into the mountainside, trees and flowers everywhere, gardens the nuns tended and curated themselves. i was less interested in the awkward group sharing activities and mini religious lectures and more interested in the scenery, so when the head friar gathered the lot of us (90ish rowdy and sulky teens) and told us we'd have the next half hour to freely explore the place, i was stoked. they said to wander around until we found a spot that felt "spiritual" enough for us to sit down and pray there, but of course most people clumped up into their cliques and just fooled around. i was one of the few who actually went on their own, sincerely looking for a nice, quiet spot.
but then, while wandering the halls of one of the buildings, i found It. the trash can. it was like every other trash can in the seminary, and i wouldn't have paid it a second glance if it wasn't for the large metal sign RIGHT BESIDE it that read "prayer zone" with a little graphic of a nun kneeling. so you can guess what i did next. i knelt there for the remaining 15 minutes of the allotted time, clasped my hands, and closed my eyes. remember those cliques of other students just walking around? of course, a bunch of them eventually passed me, and almost everyone who did started bursting into snorts and giggles.
after the activity, the friar gathered us and asked us to share how we'd spent our time... and everyone's eyes turned to me, expectant.
i looked at them like, fuck all of you. i couldn't say that in front of the friar and nuns, but i KNEW those shithead classmates of mine were trying to get me in trouble. they were thinking i would either lie, and they'd call me out since they saw what i was really doing, or i'd tell the truth and be kicked out of the retreat for rabblerousing or something. either way, it was gonna be entertaining for them, less for me.
put on the spot, i thought, i'll just bullshit this. after all, i was that one classmate everyone knew could argue with teachers about lecture topics well into lunchtime, or write a multi-page essay on anything, or pad lab papers with paragraphs upon paragraphs of pure fluff to meet the page count. bullshitting was my game. and my dorm roommates who knew me a little better were all smirking like "i wonder how she'll be able to spin this." i HAD to rise to the challenge.
and so, i went up to the front of the room where everyone could see, gingerly took the microphone the head friar was offering me, and delivered as passionate a speech i could about kneeling down in front of a trash can to pray. i told them everything, emphasizing that prayer zone sign tucked away beside it (which got a laugh), going on about how being in front of a trash can made me contemplate my spirituality and what i was doing with my life, something about reaching out to god even in front of a trash can because wasn't god to be found in all things? i paused to breathe and say 'um' a lot (doing it verbally is harder than essays), and despite the few funny moments it was clear i was padding for time, so i was like shit, how do i end this?
then the perfect thing popped into my head: a tumblr quote. so after my extended point about the symbolic meaning of trash cans, i concluded with something like "what the trash can can teach us is just because you're trash doesn't mean you're worthless. it's called garbage can, not garbage cannot."
laughter and applause. not everyone clapped, obviously, because some people saw through it and knew everything was bullshit. i think those who laughed and clapped knew it was bullshit too, and they were reacting to the audacity more than anything. but... the head friar, as i handed the mic back to him and went back to my now whooping and laughing classmates, looked conflicted. i waited nervously for what he would say next.
he started by saying he thought the whole thing about the trash can was nonsense at first, but - to my relief and gobsmacked surprise - continued by saying that my "deep and honest introspection" impressed him because even he would not have been able to see god or faith in something like a trash can. he concluded by remarking that i may have a career as a nun ahead of me in the future, which was where everyone truly lost it.
and that whole event was the catalyst. it was the start of the cult soon to come.
the rest of the retreat concluded relatively peacefully compared to what had happened already, and then we all went back to school. the problem was, exam season was soon approaching. honestly, i was ready to forget about the whole thing because i too was busy chasing deadlines and haggling with teachers about grades (since we all knew the weighting system we could anticipate which parts we would need to haggle for repeats to raise our average).
but apparently, i was kind of famous around school now for that whole trash can fiasco because not too long before exams, a couple schoolmates whom i did not know at all, from the same grade but a different section, asked around for me until they were led to my section's classroom. they said to come with them to the back of the cafeteria or something, can't remember exactly where, because they had something i just had to see.
so i come with them and, lo and behold, a group of three or four girls were standing in a semi circle in front of a trash can, waving around their review notebooks and asking for luck in the upcoming exams while giggling to themselves. and upon seeing me they went, "oh, our prophet's here."
and that weird tradition continued for a bit, mostly as an inside joke, but yeah. that's how i accidentally started a cult based around trash cans.
for the first time in a long time, possibly ever, i'm ending the year extremely fucking grateful for my friends for bailing me out of so many shitty situations that could have ruined me
ALL MY CHRISTMAS WISHES CAME TRUE
bro asked how can you pee with a tampon on💀 those are two different holes, PLEASE open the schools
it's plato. it's fucking plato. in the end it all comes back to plato. don't wven bother
like this boutique has flashing christmas lights all over their stairs for some reason?? it doesnt even look good. who is this for
how do people with photosensitive epilepsy get around during christmas season?? feels like every place is just jumpscaring you with flashing lights even in unassuming spots😭
"no major vices," i lied.
as i've said before, shonen anime is when the protagonist is a dogboy while seinen anime is when the protagonist is a christian horsegirl
much (virtual) ink has been spilled about non-binary people all supposedly choosing stupid names for themselves but i used to be friends on discord with someone named grimoire and honestly that's really fucking badass
i was on some spinny amusement park ride called a lolly swing, several meters up in the air with my feet dangling, when i thought, i don't hate myself right now
self diagnosing as normal and sane
you moved on, and that's great for you, truly, but you left me behind! i never left that day. even now, i'm still there. he's still alive to me.
every day is all i'll ever have
no wonder you don't realize you're tied up, you've never strayed far enough from the post to tug on your chains
when i was the sickest i ever was, i was outright awful to my parents. i was a prickly monstrous thing in every word and act. i wanted to make my pain their pain too. the logic was if i could make them feel my pain maybe they would finally believe me
i maintain to this day that generational lines can best be drawn over what a person believes are things that can be "accommodated" vs things that should be "corrected." for example, think of a person for whom racist speech by others is a personality quirk to be accommodated, but left-handedness is a deformity to be corrected.
in another life i would've really loved just having 6-hour long mutual traumadumping voice calls and wheezing uncontrollably at animated stickers with you
only silence is divine
i miss you...
my mama told me to go to church every sunday
she believes in god but i'm living in hell
you ever hear a song so good you just gotta immediately make a whole themed playlist to contain it?
click jackets still give me nightmares. like cmon, after clickiez came out y'all should be iterating on click leaf designs by now!!!
i think a lot of people don't quite understand how good we have it with termux. i can access the AUR from my non-rooted android 12 phone!
once you become a linux user there's really no going back in terms of mindset. at this point i've managed to transfer the vast majority of small frequent tasks i used to do on my phone using random websites and apps onto ported linux cli programs on termux
WILD how in 2024 i found out that the same old reliable gabapentin my dad used to have in heaps back in the 00s and 10s is apparently one of the better pain relievers for fibro and completely unaware of this i had preferred it all those years ago to self-medicate (i.e. steal from my dad) and even a coupla times tried to kill myself with
american christians are wild. "any salons w/o buddhist drip and staffed by christians only?" girl in 70% roman catholic philippines the salons w the most buddhist drip stuffed into every nook and cranny (some decorated by professional chinese consultants) are 100% owned and staffed by catholics, they just think it looks hard. and theyre right!!
i was excited for a moment thinking customs had finally emailed me back but it was just my psychiatrist :|
does anybody know media that revolves around a male/female rivalry that does not at any point turn romantic? bonus points for politics, community, sport or hobby based rivalry. book, comic, movie, series, game, i don't care i just want it
not a nudist but i'm really sympathetic to their core belief as an asexual aromantic person. human nudity should be de-stigmatized and desexualized especially for people considered "not conventionally attractive." if the only time most people are exposed to nudity is in literal porn then what can we expect to happen except for human bodies to be inherently seen dirty and obscene? and if the only naked subjects most people see are pornstars and celebrities then does that not implant into their minds an unrealistic expectation for what naked human bodies should look like? does that not prime them to perceive most other people as ugly? thus to me, settings of social and nonsexual nudity such as public bathhouses just seem healthy for the psyche. if the diverse range of bodies people have is normalized in your mind, you're less afraid of being old, or fat, or ugly, and you are less likely to have an instinctual disgust or aversion to those who are.
y'all ever think about how power named her cat babymeow
what all the discourse about age gap relationships fails to take into account is that age does not correlate perfectly to life experience. people the same age can have differing amounts and types of life experience. back in uni i was friends with a couple in the same year as me. they were both 19, but the girl grew up extremely sheltered by an ultraconservative religious family + extended family all in a cult. meanwhile, the guy was raised by a single mother as the oldest of 5 siblings and had to mature at a very young age to help raise his younger brothers and sisters. one of my high school classmates was a teen mom who had her first child at 15 years old and was very pragmatic and jaded about life. one of my coworkers now is a 35-year-old lady who's never been in a relationship and spends all her time and money on going to kpop concerts and anime conventions, has a high end gaming pc, and still very much has childlike wonder and whimsy.
just watched someone butcher standing next to you beyond recognition on national television??? to be fair it's not an easy song. but still
it's really true that good rice can save the worst main dishes but even the best main dishes can't save bad rice
I DONT WANT TO BE VALID I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND THAT IS UNFORTUNATELY NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN GIVE ME I HAVE TO FIND IT FOR MYSELF
yes it's true. i sleep 25hrs a day
taking steps to meet people? for reals???
please just one more night. one single night. let me have that dream again. and let me remember it after i wake up. the feeling of falling in love
AIN'T 😂 NO 😂 WAY 😂 i'm getting back in girlmode after 4 years for a fucking party. be realistic
i don't need to be loved. it would be nice, sure, but it's ultimately a luxury. i will be fine without it. i just wish you'd come around sometimes, so i'm not always completely alone.
he loves you for youuuuuuuuuuu
maslow lied. i have to deal with every level simultaneously and nothing is ever secure
it's kinda comical how i just navigate society on those last couple days before a payday tbh. like i have to stand in public spaces clean and dignified as if i had more than just coins in my wallet. and you can't really tell me apart from people who have 10x or 100x my income. i'm not visibly poor or homeless. but one missed payday and it's joever for me
i miss being with people. really being with people. i miss feeling. vividly. i want to run. i want to scream. i want to be led by the hand. i want to duck my face to avoid a gaze and feel my cheeks burn with it. i want to float up from the seabed and have the sun shine on me. i want to walk along the shore and crunch the burning sand under my feet. i want to be happy. i want to be angry. to giggle and to shriek. i want to talk and have it be heard. maybe i can also listen. take things to heart. feel my chest tighten and expand. i want to live. badly, badly i want to live.
it's me, contra. i'm the contradiction
i'm the asexual [REDACTED] who loves [DATA EXPUNGED]
i'm just rotting here
my mom's got 2 e-boyfriends lmao how the fuck
he loves you for YOUUUUUUUU
bluh, bluh, bluh, bluh (x8)
i feel empty and need to be plugged tbh :/ where's FM when you need 'em
愛！愛！愛！愛！愛！愛！愛！愛！
oh my god i cannot fucking do anything
I WANNA DO IT BUT I CAN'T STOP AVOIDING IT HRRRRGGGGHHHHH
people? come back?
fuck people. i hate talking to people. leave me alone forever
con•ver•sa•tion ✅
i love talking to ppl wtfffffff
i'm a useless ass hikki with a job. AMA
i've seen it all beforeeeeee
banned lol
tried ---d-- again
desperately awaiting my next suicide postponed moment
TALK TO MEEEEEEEE
I MISS YOUUUUUUU
TALK TO ME!
recognize me, please
why does tumblr love iphegenia so much
keep having dreams about having trouble walking and falling over a lot
TALK TO MEEEEEEEE
mood plummet
they wouldn't have survived zimzalabim
mood plummet
if there's one thing i loved about being in kpoppie communities it's that there was no confusion about dates and timezones even though we lived all over the world because everyone understood KST
clinging onto your hand makes me feel small again
BUT ITS ALSO TRUE THAT ONE DAY YOURE GONNA SURPRISE ME JUST LIKE HE DID
IM LYING. LYING LYING LYING. YOU DONT BELIEVE ME WHEN IM NOT BUT YOU BELIEVE ME WHEN I AM
maybe one day someone will see through it?
lazy and rotten to the core
i can ask him about this!
maybe not? :D
i keep running the simulation in my head and despite the problems the result keeps being that i gave up the best thing that ever happened to me
i remember the last day i saw you: december 21st, 2018. i've only been on an unending cycle of self-justification since then. you asked me if i enjoyed my isolation, and it would be a lie to say i absolutely didn't. you have no idea how happy it made it me to talk to you again. maybe i do regret leaving you and everyone else behind.
most deranged but true statement i've said in weeks: "loona should be part of the breakcore canon sample bank!!!!"
"anyway, whenever i start spouting extremely online and pretentious statements like 'x is the madoka magica of y genre,' feel free to tell me to take a walk."
shoutout to those who have such strong preferences for everything, even the smallest pettiest things, that they can never pretend to choose or like a different option to impress or fit in with other people
I WILL NEVER TELL THEM THAT THOUGH!!! I KEEP THAT SHIT TO MYSELF. VERY IMPORTANT DISTINCTION
i've never been able to muster the slightest bit of empathy or sympathy for fellow social anxiety sufferers. it's like yeah i have, multiple times, sat silently for hours hyperventilating in a bank and unable to approach much less say a word to a teller. and many other such similar scenarios. but also, whenever i hear or read about other people's social anxiety my reaction is always "god that's such a stupid thing to be anxious about, you're cringe."
lmao how can a silly little mobile game make me invent mythology for indulgent romance purposes?
i wish i could go out and do stuff
i don't even have a grave to visit
and i mean downright ELDRITCH dad alive dreams
(re) the dad alive dreams are getting weirder 🔥💯
i'm like if a crone was a male
why the fuck am i still at stage 1: denial???!!!!! it's been almost a year!!!!!!!
one thing y'all should know about me is i will always say yes to accessing advanced disk partitioning options
teen me had zero triggers "she" was so unbothered "she" could watch/listen/view anything "she" didn't bat an eye at snuff "she" could the darkest psych horror and avant garde stuff like a champ think i might've just gotten a weaker stomach with age like don't get me wrong i'm still desensitized to hell but maybe not to the same degree
cis men can get breast cancer.... the fact that some people think the language is being adjusted only for the woke mob to include trans men ("fake men, actually women" in their eyes) is just sad. cis men die of that shit all the time bc they didn't know it was even possible. transphobia makes things worse for everyone even if you're not trans
currently suffering from a 'skill issue' please send your thoughts and prayers
gamer time
mood plummet
mood plummet
restraint is the easiest thing ever when you don't have the money in the first place like i just pat myself on the back for how virtuous i am in my restraint when sin is not physically possible
it's a good thing i can now construct such sentences in japanse: 読むことができません。私は文盲です。
english still worse and suckier and less logical and more irregular 👍
so i get what that means if では is used and what difference が makes but how does it get changed to that when に is—
どうしたら逃げられる？
出がどこですか？
では stop ruining my life challenge
fucking particles, man
"iberian ex-colonies really do be naming their kids anything" 😭😭😭😭
i mean, if it's just to take the edge off...
never gonna stop abusing the word literally for dramatic effect ☺️
my sense of humor is so broken i never fail to laugh uncontrollably at every "what lgbt+ pride flag is that? [referring to country flag]" joke out there 😭😭😭
sometimes you get to talk to an old internet friend you thought you'd lost forever and just break the fuck down
HOLY SHIT SHES BACK? AND SHE FOUND ME?? 😭😭😭 IM SO HAPPY THERE ARE NO WORDS
tummy VERY upset
let her cook omg, she's onto something!!!
swearing in japanese even online is unthinkable though
like 13y.o me, i still only swear in english, and only on the internet
swearing in english will just never feel as rude or consequential to me as swearing in tagalog lol
mommy's gonna step in and he's gonna make it, mark my fucking words
apprently i'm not alone and it's actually a common experience for filipino speakers to accidentally misgender people a lot when speaking english bc there are no gendered pronouns in filipino and we're not used to having to keep track of people's genders every time we refer to them 😭 literally they/them the world
it's a weird cocktail but somehow things worked out for me 🤘
tbh i owe my sobriety to a few things
the 7eleven near my old apartment, from which i used to almost compulsively buy cheap vodka every time i wanted to stop feeling, closing due to the pandemic
thinking it too pathetic and undignified to order alcohol online
being able to work remote which improved my quality of life IMMENSELY
being paranoid as fuck about covid and thus terrified of going out of the house unless absolutely necessary
wild to think how being an alcoholic used to be like a significant part of my life, but now, by march i will have been sober for three whole years!
we still don't know anything about him IT'S ALL CONJECTURE
plotting is a process of pruning decision trees after all
posting this here too:
the urge to tweet a clapback is the devil whispering in your ear and only through the silent use of the block button can you hear the hymns of angels
NOT OVERSTIMULATED NOT UNDERSTIMULATED BUT A SECRET THIRD THING WHAT IS ITTTTTT
saving: drama =/= story
nailing it to my head to keep in mind while writing, thanks andy
me: no child deserves to be subjected to corporal punishment. no matter the guardians' intention, inflicting physical harm on their child will reflect an abusive character.
also me: but yeah i should've been hit more as a child. spanking and such worked on me and me alone.
WHERE IS THIS DERANGEMENT SUPPOSED TO GO ? ? ? ? ?
Q: how's the writing WIP?
A: i'm playing go again for the first time in months and i'm also being really diligent with my kanji flashcards :)
time to dust off my old mixi account it seems. i also haven't used niconico for years. it's only my pixiv that does not have a single speck of dust on it lmao
after the twitter api fiasco, funniest tweet from japanese fandom people goes to "an ancient pixiv tag dictionary for reiwa otaku" 😭😭
i broke a fork last night, y'know. due to how fucking affected i am by this
DERANGEMENT!!!!!
inb4 it's actually called something like "god's menu" after all
all that complex theorizing for like... years and turns out he wanted the most obvious thing he could want that was dismissed out of hand due to how ridiculous and stupid a plot point it would've made. let's see how this one's justified in the coming weeks
I'M NOT SATISFIED WITH THE INCOMPLETE WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT
i'm satisfied, with the incomplete. i'm content, getting bits of the story now and again
once in a blue moon i think i might like my boobs after all and want to keep them but it quickly passes and i return to craving to chop them off and feed them to the worms then pump my chest like a cave man and let out a testosterone-fueled growl
:> :< :> :<
i just want g-n-- friends :< :< :<
starved for feedback :(
i just wanna write 50k in a month like in the old days
i FUCKING DESPISE 'awaiting response' mode i don't wanna go into it stop stop STOP
"[redacted] won't be your claim to sophistication. it won't even be your claim to obscurity, which you seem to have mistaken for originality."
having complex feelings about very specific pieces of garbage
"too far from god, too close to america" 😭😭😭😭😭
yes i know i'm slacking on my flashcards and writing practice i knoooow :'( :'( :'(
gonna translate more goddamn manga even if it kills me
it was something she did, but it wasn't her fault
bro did this dude really just call those sickles 'scythes'?? help 😭😭
NOOOO IT'S FEEDBACK!!!!
but not as in full
opposite of hungry
IT'S ATTENTION
nice, good for them
what the- was that a gay ice cream commercial
feels good to clean (digital) house
how do i determine when to use a semicolon? vibes
wanna translate a whole volume of manga again
IT'S JUST GLUTTONY. PURE GLUTTONY.
got this internet plan on the cheap and apparently it also comes with a free cable service?? i don't have a TV though so lmao
I'M BACK! WI-FI AT HOME AGAIN AT LASTTTT
there are few more powerful feelings than "huh. this used to trigger my dysphoria big time but it doesn't anymore. fuckin' SCORE"
i'm molting AGAIN. DAMN IT
singularity is one of the best songs namjoon ever wrote i'm not even kidding
how can i get it back (writing juice)
mood plummet (now)
i wrote 2.3k!!!! (yesterday)
why does writing have to be like pulling teeth. actually no, pulling teeth is easier
sometimes i astound myself. my reading speed somehow automatically adjusted such that the peaks of the song i had looped synced damn near perfectly to the emotional peaks of what i was reading
standing to the side and politely observing the gojo thirst. my feelings toward him are more like i'm an austrian psychoanalyst and he's the hottest shit in vienna this week
pathologist: you've lost any sense of permanence, longevity, or stability. you're always gauging how quickly and easily you could leave, how easy or difficult it would be to carry all this. what you're willing to leave behind. you hesitate to add anything because you don't know how long you'll stay. sleeping and waiting, it's all you do.
some characters are just so fucking hard to write. can't figure them out. it's like scp-055: i can't write how they actually are, just recoil instinctively when i jot something down and immediately think no, that's not what they're like. megumi i'm looking at you
i never figured out i was chained up bc i always had my back against the post
i've figured it out. shonen manga is when the protagonist has dogboy vibes. seinen manga is when the protagonist has christian horse girl vibes.
major fail in the fixing me project 👎
"yeah i listen to some pretty obscure artists, have you ever heard of... twice?" buddy i was there when sixteen was still airing 😭
y'know that meme from inside out that goes "do you ever look at someone and wonder, what is going on inside their head?" and it zooms in? well in my case there are four main emotions and they are amusement, irritation, resignation, and interest
it's gluttony
having a real patrick bateman moment with my own cousin's business card
pathologist: is that what you think? that taking the meds will cause you to be possessed by a productive version of yourself from a different universe who will do everything that needs to be done to your exact specifications and when you wake up again all the tasks will be finished?
yoooo it's a total lunar eclipse
why are you so intent on self sabotaging. i'm literally doing everything in my power to help you and i've given you everything you could possibly need to get what you want. all you need to do is follow my goddamn instructions 😭😭😭😭😭
my favorite "only on tumblr" thing is when a blog ends up becoming 'missed connections' for random anons, e.g. when i (as an anon) and another person kept egging each other on about story ideas in a nice artist's ask box to the point that the artist eventually went "aight, y'all wanna be friends? send me a private ask so i can see your usernames and you can DM each other." and we're STILL friends
every time christian slater shows up in something i'm watching it's to give me secondhand daddy issues
well at least i don't gotta worry about plumbing here. still better than my old apartment. and the flooding isn't nearly as bad
sweeping storm water out of the house with walis tingting and dustpan... oh how little things change...
my #1 toxic thought pattern: "my patience will surely be rewarded" <- it never is
i will forever be thankful to anarchychess for embedding the phrase "god bless with true!" into my vocabulary. truly so useful for so many situations
i haven't even read most of capital vol. 1 but i've listened to the german audiobook just bc i like how it sounds
if there were german-speaking vtubers i'd be done for. i wouldn't stand a chance
listening to people speak german has the same effect on me as listening to people speak french has on americans
i love the superposition! i hate the collapse into certainty. i am never opening that box and i am never finding out what happened to the cat
pathologist: and i quote, "—i am a hollow pit that brings you nothing but problems, and you will never make me happy. you can pour all your love and affection and sincerity into this dark, bottomless pit, but it will never give you anything back. one day you will die of a broken heart, filled with resentment, and i won't even be able to shed a single tear at your funeral."
"csm/jjk/etc. is an overhyped anime" well yes babe, that's what happens when the most popular shonen manga of the day gets an adaptation. it's like, what the fuck did you think would happen??
"i wanna do/am doing diamat but all my incentives are rigged against it so i'll tweak it a little" should be its own book genre at this point with the sheer number of titles that would be included
there goes my FUCKING sleep!!!
still holding out for spirit circle anime adaptation btw 🤞
been reading chainsaw man and i don't find denji all that shallow. he just seems like a very accurate representation of poverty. pretty relatable honestly. when you're that poor all you really think about IS the basics. who has the headspace for big sophisticated dreams when in starvation all your mind can conjure as daydreams are mundane foods that to you seem like luxuries?
27 🥳
i'm still stuck at the bottom of your FUCKING pyramid, maslow
top 2 things someone could say to me that would make me cry on the spot, probably:
#2 you're right
#1 it wasn't your fault
for a truly embarrassing amount of time i remained completely oblivious of the true meaning of the phrase 'la petite mort' and had it confused with 'death by a thousand cuts' wherein i thought all those thousand cuts were their own little death
what do you mean? you just gotta stick with it*
*sticking with it is the hardest part
should've never been let out of my cage
mada also gets it, perhaps even more so
prisme gets it
wanna WRITE!!!!!
maybe if it was on harpstrings...
permanent address
trying to fix me but boy do they not make it easy
the rest of the day was just... something
i actually woke up great earlier this morning :)
world is a fuck
drained & wrung & crusted & ashen
at this point i probably like vegan chicharon better than the real thing
daily reminder that wheat is a fussy bitch of a crop and anyone who tells you otherwise is LYING (looking at you dr. stone)
the hardest part is waking up
will my chronic fatigue tolerate a stationary bike?
matcha and white chocolate is the best combination
i'm going to fucking fix me
being in a rocking chair counts as stimming
saving:
through the old graveyard, i'm going to walk aroundand bury my heart where it won't be found
this is gonna sound really fucking unpatriotic but i only "got" and enjoyed noli and el fili once i read them on my own in english. it took me a few years too because in high school i struggled a lot with reading it in pure filipino with all the big words and accent marks and stuff. still an "el fili superior" truther though, it's so edgy i just love it
watching solaris for the first time is like damn this is long and depressing. compels me though
yeah i'm a switch. a switchblade
(visible relief) ok i looked it up just now and it is a real term. phew.
is "makasaysayang konteksto" a real term used by academics or am i just too deep in english-speaking brainrot that i have no hope of writing anything serious in tagalog unless i do a word-by-word mental google translate of my own thoughts?
i break the surface of the water tantalized, searching for the whereabouts of my lost fury.
i'm a very 'all or nothing' kind of person, and throughout two and a half decades of life what i've learned is that i can never have it all, in any situation. so i always end up choosing nothing
completely against my will, i know a bunch of stuff about the american civil war and i fucking hate that the knowledge comes in handy pretty often
they all come and go. only i will remain.
sometimes i do miss my high school uniform... it has been a decade, how the fuck? but yeah, the uniform was clearly gendered but it was so long and loose and flowy that it was the most comfortable outfit i could think of
i don't know why that last thought occurred to me now. anyway, the dates have been finalized and arrangements made; my first office workday after almost two and a half years of remote will be the 5th of september 2022 :')
due to complications with sizing, i had to have my high school uniform custom-sewn by a seamstress in the neighborhood rather than being able to buy directly at the school. it was for the better, because i was able to set the skirt length to my preference of four inches below the knee, as opposed to the standard of 1-2 inches below the knee that the school made, which would've been very uncomfortable for me. besides, in those days, it was cheaper to buy the fabric myself directly from local suppliers, which more than made up for the additional cost of paying the seamstress.
saving:
and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want, what do you call it? freedom? or loneliness?
it's sloth
where would we even be without the chinese rhythm gaming community? nowhere
the more i learn about fundies the more i am convinced of the whole yaldabaoth concept and that's what they're really worshipping
hilarious to think about how, if naka had just calmed the fuck down and drawn in the last round of the candidates, he'd actually be in the running for world champion 💀
the fact that i gotta zoom in/change my text size just for you...
you can be quirky without butchering accessibility entirely 😭
actively contemptuous
but i have to admit... being able to work remote was the best thing that ever happened to me
i don't like to think of myself as disabled. nobody would ever take any claim to the contrary seriously. they'd laugh and tell me to lose weight. how could i explain the fatigue to my boss when doctors don't even believe that? i just have certain physical limitations which i must stay constantly ahead of and work around. who doesn't?
just to illustrate why i'm so upset-
my remote work arrangement: spend 2-4 hours accomplishing my daily quota, queue up an email to send at exactly 5:55pm every day no matter what time i actually finish the work, no meds of any kind, no commute, have lots of time for cooking and cleaning and laundry and staring at the sun and greenery
my office work arrangement: 4 hours (back and forth) of exhausting metro manila commute at rush hours, a cocktail of meds and stimulants to counteract the subsequent caused thereof, 8 hours at the office blasted with too-cold airconditioner, fingers stiff on the keyboard from the chill, easily distracted by noises and coworkers, boss breathing down my neck, no time or energy to do anything by the time i get home, no rest on the weekends either because that's the only time i have for cleaning/laundry/etc.
and wanna hear the hilarious official reason i'm absolutely obligated to go back to the office? because they want to be able to directly observe if anyone's slacking off, and they're sick of waiting for people to read and answer messages in their own time rather than instantly when boss rocks up to their cubicle
😭😭😭
i go back to the office in september :)
don't rub your eyes
[pained wince] t-that's kinda idolatrous, bro
as an adult, i no longer mind the bitterness at the bottom of the cup. sometimes, i even search for it. sometimes, i stir the mix to get more of the bitterness more evenly throughout
the rituals!!!
me every time twitter americans use the abbreviation 'yt' to refer to white people: "what does youtube have to do with this"
me, every time i discover a new piece i love turns out to be him again: god, bach truly has so many bangers
i know it's been out for a while but sighs... we still didn't get that serendipity demo huh 😔
feel like shit, just want noir back
continuing to show up is the hardest part
the things you practice at
saving:
no use trying to forget you'cause i realize
that i'm trying to forget you
with tears in my eyes
i can, because i have to
the most normal person on god's green earth (self diagnosed)
when will i feel?
but at some point, you come to your senses
also how about the 2022 candidates huh
hoseok doing anything with rock was NOT on my 2022 bingo
all i want in my life is the official instrumental for a boy is a gun*. i've heard all the reprods and remixes and reinterpretations but they're all missing something. no one can quite capture the piano in that song
yes i'm touch starved. yes i recoil every time i'm touched. what isn't clicking
no but you're so right actually. i have indeed never caught even a whiff from the perfume of existence
how the fuck is 2019 three years ago
he got to collab with his idol lol good for him
i postpone seeing them again and they die
what did the sea ask of you?
death is ceremony for the living. the dead aren't here anymore; it isn't for them. it's all to make the people left behind feel better
they keep dying. and i can't move
i am not there. i did not die
it's gluttony
i've found the kpop setlists for clone hero. it's all over now
people who say gloc 9 is "the filipino eminem" have some pretty fundamental misunderstandings of both, or they just mean "guys who rap really fast"
i'll miss my boys
not a transference, but a shifting of the view
it was always you
i feel better, thank u twice :)
twice will get me through this 🤞
in hell i'll be in good company AND i'll be considered as good company. truly. truly
petting a kitty :)
reading tweets of japanese and korean artists restores my faith in humanity without fail every single time... the way they reply to people complimenting their work, the way some of them practice learning languages, the way they're so kind and earnest in their correspondence to people trying to commission/buy their stuff from abroad. it's like i'm being healed of the brainrot given to me by the "ironic" mean-ness everywhere else on that website
for being such an extreme introvert, i've been the perfect host, y'know
not a tear
missing gfriend :(
after playboi carti stuff i don't really struggle with songs like god's menu anymore. still don't know if i like any of them but i get it now
forget rgb. what you need is beamsprings. BEAMSPRINGS
sometimes, albeit very rarely, but sometimes i do want the platitudes
what i can't give
complicated, innit?
family ties
my anger is...
and tomorrow, someone will bury you.
it's a good thing, then, that the gods are not highly responsive to prayers
no holiday today. it's all his
he's gone
my dream endgame keyboard is exactly like the one i just linked, except with a 1800 layout
falling action
let me go, unsung. i just want the relief. i pick the relief. it's not even a choice!
no matter how i reposition myself... (see: rotisserie chicken sleeper tumblr post)
back won't let me sleep :(
fleeting acts of fancy
it could happen to you too!
the real power move is gonna be asking heta fandom friends to help me write lithuanian, italian, and french dialogue for hannibal fanfic purposes
don't even try that little routine with them. hindi ka uubra sa kanya
spoiled for choice
there's only as much salt as there ever was
no food, no water. just dust and windows surrounded by greenery. the hum of a fan. birds. i like it here. i'm filled with this quiet sort of happiness.
the poets have left hell, the dancers are all gone, even the philosophers couldn't resist taking a peek outside. why are you still here?
he doesn't want me around anyway
it should've been boring but it wasn't, not at all
you curse me out and i speak so kindly to you that you feel horrible about it. serves you right
he's been saying he wants to die for the past six fucking years and i've weathered it. you haven't
"if he wants to die, maybe we should just let him leave the hospital and call a priest" shut up shut up SHUT UP
it won't be god. not this time
"using people's mommy issues to control them" so trueee!
back hurty more than usual :<
please. please move on
i am so tired of the pe foam sound
taking a switch with an interesting sound profile and making it sound like every other fucking switch by using pe foam makes me so sad. you're killing it
i'd love to get myself some box mute jades... but then i'd have to spring swap them to something heavier :/
how could you possibly think that the barely-there tactile bump of browns is in any way comparable to a click bar? just stick to your linears, dear god
people really just go onto keyboard youtube and be extremely wrong about box mute jades huh? "they feel like mx browns" yeah if you've never tried any tactile switch other than mx browns
arms for rice, they say. it's a pittance
i can have all this—for free?
it's gluttony!
ugh. so good
—because he's already taken his trophy
it's gluttony
it's gluttony
every single time i try to work on my WIPs these days it's like painstakingly sawing open my skull and digging through my brain matter trying to rip the words out of my mind
it's gluttony
yeah, i can be a canon scrutinizer. i can do the 'scrupulously canon compliant' stuff. i just choose not to
they kept coming back, to feed the monster, and the monster was me.
the rituals
every time i talk about it i think it becomes a tiny bit better
listening to fandom friends talk about their kids is throwing me in for a loop!
i don't think that term means what you think it means
saving:
(just for easy/quick access)
fear is the mind-killer. fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. i will face my fear. i will permit it to pass over me and through me. and when it has gone past i will turn the inner eye to see its path. where the fear has gone there will be nothing. only i will remain.
finally remembered the track aespa's lucid dream reminded me so much of - it was loona's satellite
hate being hydrated. i cannot stop pissing
the shape of your words is crude, almost, but they paint a delightful picture
occasionally i remember how i'll never get my hands on amber alps in my lifetime 😔
it's one of those things that's just hard to tell for a low-empathy individual like me. i don't feel other people's feelings. i don't even feel sympathy. i see people i'm close to hurt or in need and often i want to help them, but not because i feel their pain and their hurt. sometimes, i'm annoyed by their pain and their hurt, and i do what i can to make it go away so i could have my fun conversations or activities with them again. it's getting rid of an inconvenience. other times, i feel nothing at all, but i try to listen to them and help them anyway out of reflex. like, table manners.
what do i love? i couldn't say. i use that word a lot for things that please me, things that amuse me, things that fascinate me. but as for things i love, had i ever truly loved anything? i dig through my mind and my memories, but nothing i've experienced seems to fit the definition of loving something or someone. i've said here before that despite everything, i can't hate my mom, and that i do love her. but i don't think love is the word. i feel an undeniable connection with her, borne of obligation and of knowing her so well, knowing almost everything about her. i don't enjoy her company. i don't miss her when she's gone. i would gladly move back in with my dad to play nurse and cook and take care of him, but because i feel that same obligation and recognition i feel for my mother. the difference is i enjoy his company and conversation sometimes, when we aren't clashing. once he's gone, i'll miss some of our conversations and i'll lament that i can't ask his opinion or take on certain things that'll come up after he's dead. but i won't ache to see him again. i miss certain friends i've had, but i couldn't say if i loved them as much as i missed the fun and stimulation of conversation and activity i was able to have with them. had i ever loved?
i just want an all metal 1800 layout keyboard with a roomy case and hotswappable pcb and also not to bankrupt myself 😭
no mx-style switch can really feel like them. like cmon, even the zeal clickiez, which have an actual click leaf don't really feel like alps. cmon. cmon
don't get me wrong i like the muted jades but for goodness' sake they are NOTHING like alps in sound OR feel
"kailh box mute jades sound closer to blue alps" what do you MEAN, no they fucking don't. what makes you think that
wish i could get capacitive buckling springs in a modern 1800 layout and all metal case 😔
once again feeling incredibly thankful to my friend for introducing me to psycho tropical berlin
this page is so sluggish on my phone now and i still can't get rid of that pesky horizontal scrollbar on mobile :< if anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated
serene...
it's changed a lot
The Story So Far
me, for the nth time: i love having friends so much 😭😭 friendship is magic 😭😭😭😭
yes, sometimes i have a banging good time with the spectacle!!
i'm not doing any of the things :(
seems RIGHT up their alley
of course HM wrote that. i don't know what i expected lmfao
i have no burning hatred left within me. i've run out of kindling
it's a good thing, then, that the gods are not highly responsive to prayers
i've said this before but i love naturally waking up in the early mornings. it gives me all the time in the world to do the rituals!!!
it's difficult to describe how much i already love proseka despite the fact that i've never played it. i want to though
pathologist & missionary (in a rare duet): but how would you like to be perceived?
me: we're really doing this? all right. i would like to be perceived as kind, accommodating, considerate, intelligent, a great conversationalist due to being knowledgeable about a wide variety of topics, having great taste in everything, tough, and dependable. but i am nowhere near it.
disability discourse tumblr is truly the one part of it i can't stand. just because i have a non24 circadian rhythm, chronic fatigue, anemia, the hormonal/reproductive shit, etc. doesn't make me disabled and i will never be comfortable appropriating that
everything hurts as usual but in a way that i can ignore
the concept of deserving is so strange if you think about it
and i need to cook
the shape of your words is raw material
serene
progress! my day-restlessness is finally coinciding with the sunrise
i'll have the misery meal®™!
"what if you were aborted" then according to the rules of my parents' religion my soul would be in heaven by default. probably beats this fucking place
there is literally no better way to flatter me than to compliment my taste
enough. get out of the soup
may the sea foam—
you remain unchanged
watched severance and damn. helly reciting the thingy upon learning who she is. goddamn. that was raw
the neighborhood dogs are restless tonight(2am), and i'm having day-restlessness again
me, an agnostic, compulsively cleaning my apartment on painkillers at 3am: religion is what separates us from the animals, and that is why i must strike the fear of god into these rats
recur
the self i've lost
my previous apartment's roof had a hole from a stray bullet. it was around the laundry area. one of the first things i did was upon moving in was patch it up by nailing a piece of plywood to the sheet roof
lots of election night fireworks audible from where i live now. unfortunately i still have quite an averse reaction to them bc i'm used to election night + new year's eve stray bullets
i realize it's childish—
maybe i'm here, but most likely not
i'm fine with waiting. i'm fine with lines. yes i bounce back and forth and and dissociate and such but i'm actually very well adjusted as long as i have my headphones
wish crying was easier
nobody tunes gumi quite like rerulili <3
election day :|
asleep in the sun
the sun is rising, but my day-restlessness has passed, and now i'm sleepy
saving:
you don’t need to give me a reason. [...] i will always be happy to provide an answer to that question whenever you should need it. [...] never feel that you must keep yourself from me. you have always been welcome, in this way as much as any other.
2014 sure was a year
getting day-restlessness at half-past midnight :|
delightfully antithetical
syllables!!
fuck that. i'm gonna have some sprite
been a while in hell. when will the poets come back?
i know it's childish, averting my eyes
ears hurt
i like my hyper-consumerist music either self aware or at least with enough decency to be silent about its own nature if it doesn't have the guts to confront that. what i can't stand is when they pretend like they're progressive beacons pushing boundaries and speaking on things that matter. bc by design that's just not what they are
when a new group has potential if only they toned down/threw out entirely their playing into that infernal, performative, and hypocritical girlboss trend
remember when this page was about keyboards?
but at some point, you come to your senses
this latest fic has fixed me actually. today's mood: this
me about everything that doesn't appeal to me: it does not compel me, but i can see why it would compel others
"dude you should be running a [] fic rec blog lol, you always have the answer" you can't see me but i am blushing i am preening and i am glowing
i hear you anyway!
i'd be unstoppable on adderall, did you know that?
i know that partly it's hunger, and partly also the desperate desire to cry
i see you. i cannot go to you but i see you.
is it god? is it god?
you can't see me but i'm waving and blowing you kisses!
i can't hear youuu!
where would i even be today without ALL of xi-on's touhou jazz arrangement albums
so glad to be talking to my friend, who is arospec and ace, again. there are just some things only they can understand
nothing quite like an old school CAVE shooting game
whenever i'm hungry but don't want to eat i still, automatically, go to brush my teeth because that'll make any food or drink highly unappealing for the next few hours
when will i find a song that sounds like and says how i feel?
this is unbelievable. i should've been insta-banned from twitter instead, dammit
haunted. haunted!
missionary: the least you could do is work on your things until you receive that email. knowing tumblr support, they'll take at least a day. seize it!
missionary: maybe this is divine intervention. the gods want you to write!
i have alts of course just like with every site but only my original blog has all the careful filters and my follow list and my scrupulously indexed and tagged reblogs
if i lose my tumblr permanently i'll probably be upset. it's the one social media account i've kept for the longest without ever being tempted to delete it and start over. i've achieved such a specific level of curation as well... what a shame
giggling as i make google translate japanese say filipino tongue twisters
abandoned google images for yandex image search and i've never once looked back
forgot what i was gonna say
whatever you become
not to mention the one little message i sent to my horror junkie friend, whom i hadn't talked to in a long time either, and now we're talking every day and having regular watch parties!
one (1) little message to someone i haven't talked to in years resulted in a highly enjoyable 4 hour chat! i don't know what i was so afraid of!
it's tea time babes
why i never resign a chess game
no matter how good they are, they could always fuck up and stalemate me
if they don't fuck up, then they deserve the pleasure of precisely executing a checkmate
i can think of no better end
maybe i'm here maybe i'm not
unrealized ✅
i'm not here. i was never here. by the time i enter, i will already be gone
sick in bed today
give them nothing
euphoria lasts at most around 60 seconds for me. i savor what occasional little sparks of it i get
me: i don't... do stuff like this. i mean i didn't. now i am. it's kinda fun actually :)
pathologist: [the office stare]
this time, the shape of your words is clay in my hands
it doesn't have to make sense to anyone else
that doesn't mean what you think it means
when i was younger i used to be so confused. i didn't know whether i was attracted to masculinity or wanted to achieve it for myself. turns out it was a form of envy and yearning, not attraction. it took a while, but i have teased them apart. my brain is plastic no more, and i have a pretty good idea of who i am
"that looks like a bosnian security system" "it's kansas! it's kansas! ...of course it's china" i fucking love watching people play geoguessr
today's mood: missing orange caramel
saving:
"[my] lack of greed is a result of having never needed to be so, but [his] lack of desire for money or material things is a resistance against developing a dependence."
if that was truly the intention, then... the sweetest!
pathologist: allow yourself to start on shaky footing. don't reread the early chapters once you've found it
i'll have you know there is so much love in my heart too!
almost typed this thought directly into the address bar before even going to this page but yeah sometimes i miss boy in luv so much. it was a different time. a simpler time
i have the instagram app installed solely to DM one person bc their mobile data is often intermittent and when twitter/tumblr doesn't work for them insta does and i'm ok with that
i love having the 'best stuff first' dashboard setting turned off. the chaos of one mutual being on a bondage kick and another madly blogging about the disastrous finale of a show they followed for multiple seasons and yet another peacefully reblogging impressionist paintings all blended together. ideal social media experience
i know "ways other than" is more correct and i do stick to that when i'm working but in my personal stuff i always use "other ways than" just out of preference
listening to lovecrime and inevitably thinking about those two makes me feel 16 again
nothing i love more in this world than going on keyboard youtube and reading the absolutely unhinged, patrick bateman-esque comments some people leave on the most mediocre custom builds in existence
feed caught between two people i would love to have long conversations with
highlight of last night's watch party
me, purposefully trying to deal him psychic damage: sorry but this is among us in antarctica. the thing is an alien impostor who unhinges its head to devour people and extends a long, sharp, tentacle-like tongue to pierce through them. conspiracy theory: among us was inspired by this film
my friend: NO.
one of the precious few people i love having voice call conversations with makes me feel conflicted because i love the rhythm we get into when talking but at the same time i want to have a perfect record of said conversations to reread and remember which can only be accomplished through text chat
today's mood: wanna finish another one of the many fics that came to me in a dream!!!!
person on tumblr followed me bc they thought my tags on their posts were hilarious and like less than 30 mins after they are already horrified at their decision and think the tags i leave on all the other posts i reblog are completely unhinged. ideal social media experience 😎
today's mood: people in youtube comment sections who go "i can fix her" @ reagan from inside job
idyllic, innit?
hands shaking with the urge to strangle my mom for endangering herself on the internet, again
pseudo-empathy, was the term i was looking for, i think
saving: this line i liked from my answer to a tumblr ask
darling, i will protect myself from you by picking up a sword and shield for the both of us, and defending you from any threat until you've forgotten how it is to be armed. that is the only way i'll ever feel safe from you.
12 more hours before watch party :<
my dear, it's not even a lie anymore
absolutely elated @ foreigners on twitter discovering pinoy henyo
they all get solos? dope!
omg dreamcatcher is getting their second lp??
one of my favorite words is defanged. i wish i had some elegant or compelling reason that could be eloquently expressed in one snappy paragraph, but i don't. it just pulls at something within me
maybe if you'd just read through that one among us husbandry tumblr blog then you'd feel better
indulgent giggle
to non-native speakers, english is the language where the embarrassing is not embarrassing and the crude isn't so crude
saving:
All I want is to keep you in one piece
But you fall apart when I hold you at the seams
i've never understood the practice of openly proclaiming your 'DNI' criteria. it just seems performative to me. it's only gonna be read by people seeking your approval, or people whose approval you might be seeking; you include the right combination of terms to signal to them, i am one of your people. your DNI list is completely useless to anyone who actually fits it. that's why i don't make one; if i don't want someone interacting with me, i just unfollow/block them. zero fanfare. i don't need to have a justification and nobody else needs to know i even did it. none of your business.
tip: i am so fucking mad and as always i can't even express it
i missed the Boys™ so much :')
should've listened to me boy. should've fuckin listened
my catchphrase as an advice-giver to friends should be "and that's another thing the human psyche is not built for. take it easy"
just kidding i appreciate y'all, even the pink tape haters <3
girlies just go on kpop youtube and be wrong for 8 minutes
it's been like 9 months or something and still no checkmate wehraboos 😔
heatstroke speedrun any%
i didn't even know the grammys was happening until i saw a gifset of the Boys™ on my dashboard
like i don't have a horse in this race, i've just listened to them all and i love reading about how people attempt to justify their answer
one of the rare topics of discourse i actually enjoy is people arguing over what's the best exo album
one of these days i'm going to write a damn 2000 words essay on here and call it kpop history class and no one is gonna be able to stop me bc this isn't twitter and i can't be @'ed
the worst thing about me not being a cis man is i can't run away from my problems by getting a construction/management job in saudi arabia like my dad did and drown my sadness by saving everything i earn and going on occasional alcoholic binges
i rarely have intrusive dreams. my dreams in general are very disconnected from me or from whatever's happening in my life (nothing is fucking happening in my life but even when there was i didn't dream about it). but sometimes you just wake yourself up, bury your head in your hands, reeling from the imagery, and talk at god like "okay fine. i am capable of inflicting great pain and injury and suffering if i am provoked or annoyed enough. i can look into a person's eyes and imagine the complex life, emotions, struggles, and relationships they've had, their hopes and dreams, all their quirks and nuances and the good in them, fully acknowledging their soul as sacred and their body as a culmination of hundreds of thousands of years of evolution and bloodlines... and still make the light in those eyes go out, by my own hand. is that what you wanted to hear me admit?"
i find it very hard to maintain things
babygirl i can read up to 400 words per minute in english, 300 when i'm not in a hurry but i assure you that speed drops to a hundred or less when i'm reading filipino [face with sunglasses emoji with tears behind the shades]
had to clean my bedroom floor this morning AND my bathroom floor bc the amount of blood that overflowed was like i got fucking stabbed or something
menorrhagia fucking sucks. ugh. i haven't even used pads since i was like 10. i've always stuck to those big bulky diaper fillers because those are the only things that can hope to contain the sheer fucking volume of blood. i'm constantly cramped, lightheaded from the blood loss, and sleepy. after freshly changing and going to bed i can only hope it doesn't soak through while i sleep and i don't wake up in a pool of my own blood (again)
mon cher (derogatory)
in my mind palace i am reading all my favorite fic as physical volumes with exquisite paper and beautiful, plain hardcovers while reclining on a luxurious white sofa that doesn't hurt my back at all. i am in an open air second floor living room with light wooden floors and floor-to-ceiling windows with white curtains. if i look up from my reading i see a balcony ahead, with a view of the sea. the sun never sets. the room is always perfectly, naturally lit and the temperature is always perfectly, naturally mild. i am never disturbed. i never need to sleep. i never run out of things to read. i can just keep reading, completely content, for the rest of eternity. a breeze occasionally rustles the pages and caressses my cheek.
he's technically second eldest but in role and actions and etc he's the eldest sibling
i'm not even mad. it's just his Eldest Sibling compulsion to be self-sufficient and independent at all times and therefore hate to need or depend on people
he sent me home lol
anyway, time to commute five hours to see him.
dad called me this morning to say he couldn't take the pain anymore, and was going back to be hospitalized again after a few years of stubbornly enduring his many illnesses. for the past decade, he's been constantly saying he could feel his "time" approaching. i always rolled my eyes at him and told him without fail each time that he'd live for three more decades at least, then he'd act theatrically stricken by the thought. i wonder which holiday will be tainted for me when he goes.
when i was a kid, my dad always had some small prank or practical joke planned every april 1st. now, though, the day to him only signifies his older brother's death anniversary, and it can never again be anything but a quiet day spent in remembrance and contemplation. same goes for halloween, which is his younger brother's death anniversary. this younger brother was also born on christmas. and his mom, my grandma, was buried on or near independence day, if i remember correctly. so many holidays are tainted for him.
on all levels except physical i am here. inside this website. crawling around in the html
i'd recognize sumin's voice anywhere 😌
the only reason i'd ever go to a temperate country is to try the fruits
person: what's the best [x]?
me: i can tell you my favorite, but i can't speak for the best
them: why not? (what's the difference? is what they mean here)
me: because i'm not familiar with everything. i wouldn't want to be wrong
pathologist: ah. so we're back here again
i am sleeping a lot. in small increments, throughout the day. i do things in between the sleeps. my head doesn't hurt as much, with smaller sleeps. when i last woke up, i remember feeling well cared for. by who? me?
am i actually gonna learn openings not to improve my rating or play in any way but for the sake of chessle? it's more likely than you think
remember when i played worldle for the first time and i managed to get every single one of the country's neighbors except the country itself?
but like. if you just look at the season 3 poster you would understand that none of that was ever gonna make sense
to be fair, hannibal season 3 went completely off the rails. sometimes i'm still not sure the entire season was not just a fever dream (cough, digestivo and wrath of the lamb especially). if any review claimed everything stopped making sense after mizumono, hell, i'd agree kinda. i love it though 🥰
sometimes i still laugh remembering that one imdb review for the new pinocchio movie that said "shawshank redemption? i don't know her"
the shape of the words, the shape of your words, don't deserve to be muddled by my anxious interpretation
why would i stop now, when i have reason to keep it again?
i mean, i guess there's patterns of behavior, but i'd have to actually care enough to learn and memorize your habits. other than that there are generic signifiers but they vary from person to person, everyone has their own set that applies to them, requiring yet more observation i'm simply not willing to do for everyone
i'm not an empath. i might be close to the opposite actually. i can't know what you're feeling unless you tell me or otherwise express it somehow
tumblr came up with 'blorbo in law' in 2022 but i already came up with 'bias in law' in 2019 to describe a dear friend's favorite idol. i stay winning 😌
more accurately, i'm still afraid of envying
i am still afraid of envy
actually, i don't need to turn back the clock. just... a new album. not in english
ugh, i just want 2017-2019 bts back: covering classic kpop songs and paying homage to the generations before them, covering recent songs by their contemporaries, doing christmas medleys on gayo, being overall immersed in the same world i was immersed in as they rose to the top. they don't do any of that stuff anymore, a lot of it is "beneath" them because they're tackling a different beast now. i can rewatch all the performances but it's just not the same. it's not the same
while i'm here just want to say it's always funny seeing the contrast between songs like dionysus that western critics generally disliked while kpop stans loved it and it quickly gained a reputation, and songs that got a good spin in the western music media circuit while being absolutely hated by kpop stans
pentagon can literally do no wrong
seeing/hearing people say "yeah i play league" with the same tone/emotion someone might have if they admitted they were a chain smoker will never stop being funny
"was tucker carlson literally a contra?" the fucking SNORT i let out at that. these guys never miss!
update to this: the watch parties have become nightly and at least once per episode my friend and i both go "you're NOT subtle hannibal" when he is being particularly unsubtle. record so far is episode 7 where it was 4 times we agreed he was not being subtle
it's like those times in college when my dorm roommates were asking me how best to proceed with sex with their boyfriends. what is it about me specifically despite being aroace that makes people feel they should ask me about this stuff? i mean i end up offering sensible answers anyway based on logic but cmon
truly. i cannot believe i just got asked that
"what do you think it takes to fall in love with someone" babygirl i'm aro. you're really asking for my 100% stone cold aromantic opinion on this? are you sure? i can't give you love advice 😭
truly nothing beats fruity black tea
from a dm i sent:
i could not live as a hunter gatherer. i need agriculture
rice and potatoes and corn or NOTHING
don't have the heart to tell a friend, who is the kindest person in this world, that i am an established astrology disliker and do not appreciate all that much some of the memes she sends. it's harmless fun and it's not her fault i'm a jerk
just want a new album from the Boys™
forgot what i was gonna type
i will simply have to learn how to delete
re: rwby anime: forgot to say, if you gave me 10 guesses as to which studio would be animating it, i would've NEVER guessed shaft
appreciating horror movie posters
haven't lived in a house with a tv in more than a decade. but i can't imagine a regular day without youtube
i should've known tbh. friend is an absolute horror junkie so of course he'd like the fucked up crime procedural from the 2010s
after watching the first episode with me, my friend has suggested regular hannibal watch parties for the rest! i am over the moon! sharing the best show i've seen in recent memory <3
"he draws, he cooks. catches the bad guys. cuts you right open and sews you back up. and still all alone in the world. there must be something really, seriously wrong with you. what is it?” goddamn
today (my today, which has parts of today and yesterday in it) was a very normalizing day. the pathologist was very quiet in my friend's presence. i loved it
good luck in your work. and good night.
no, i have changed actually. i think you noticed. but largely, still the same. less rude. i've been trying
when you met me i was filled with so much fucking anger. now less so but i still can't let it out
even if we were to speak like penpals, once every few months, i wouldn't even mind! because each catching up session ends up so rich and vivid with detail and new progress we've made in our lives and new hopes and new obsessions and new friends and new everything!
feels nice to talk to one of the best internet friends i've ever had again :')
love asking my gamer friends about their games. i have intense simulation sickness + a potato of a laptop so most games are out of my reach. i live vicariously through them. their energy and passion is infectious. please tell me. what is the game about? what do you do in the game? which parts are the most fun? which parts aren't? if you could change something in this to make it more fun what would it be? what is your favorite tiny obscure detail you can't believe the devs accounted for? tell me everything!
can't decide if i'm stealthy or incredibly obvious but my friend who is sufficiently internetted did not even raise a textual brow at me mentioning my investment in a "horror crime procedural tv show from the mid 2010s"
tired of being sick all the time. tired of being in pain all the time. tumblr keeps telling me that makes me disabled. who wants to be disabled? i don't care how many physical and mental illnesses i have. i am holding on to the status and veneer of abled-ness till it is forcibly pried from my cold dead hands
rwby anime? for real? the teenager in me is celebrating
it's much better not to know what you're missing out on, in my opinion
how many ideas have been falsely attributed to dreams by people who thought they were too strange to admit to being their own?
the split attraction model is very useful. i have no hangups about not experiencing sexual attraction. i have many hangups about not experiencing romantic attraction ^_^
fuck the meme. i'd gladly go to brazil. the foods look immensely fun
got so affronted and offended by the silly things happening in my dream that i woke myself up
i still my toothpaste in the tea
i cannot get calories from this screen :( but i still gnaw on it with my fingers
the plot's going so well but the fucking epithets are driving me mad. i've half a mind to discard and move onto the next one if i continue to be tested
this is why i can make sense of anyone's actions after the fact by how it must make sense to them even if i don't agree. i give everyone the benefit of the doubt because i have no way of feeling what they feel. i see every person as a labyrinth of complex experiences and influences and motives and feelings, but as completely unapproachable to me
mary's room the thought experiment is me with empathy, i think. i don't relate to people, i just understand them by working back. like if this is their background and those are their motives, it would or wouldn't make sense that they feel this way now. same with characters. of well written or performed ones, i often remark you can feel their feelings. but i can't. what i mean to say there is i find the performance compelling and understandable. in a literary sense i do well analyzing and trying to predict a character's motivations and actions but in the wild with real people i mostly find myself at a loss. high immersion in stories doesn't translate to empathy, and i'm living proof.
kpop covers are like catnip to me. lovelyz doing beat it a capella? lovely. iu of all people doing rainism? hilarious, she never misses. bts' perfect man? they made it theirs. twice's move? went above and beyond. every single cover by ateez, dreamcatcher, stray kids, and the boyz? i love them, please never stop doing them.
watching the sunrise is a great pre-going-to-bed routine
how to be a good liar
make people believe you're a bad liar. (get purposefully caught with bad, obvious, but ultimately harmless lies sometimes. people need to have a template for what you look like/how you act when you tell the truth and when you're lying. display physical tells, so that when you need a lie to go undetected, you simply don't perform these tells.)
the lie has to get you in trouble somehow. it has to have some kind of consequence or be embarrassing, so people will think it's a hard-to-tell truth, especially when nested inside of a bad, obvious lie.
believe the lie while you tell it. the truth does not exist while it leaves your mouth. construct a palace of memories and recalled feelings as if you experienced every aspect of that false reality.
pathologist: people just go on the internet and lie for no discernable reason. does it make you feel powerful? does it make you feel like a more understandable person with a more consistent set of traits? is it more predictions and anticipation of future feelings mental states and opinions? is it more wishful thinking?
my inner voice, the one i hear and need whenever i'm reading something, has been functioning like a broken cassette player as of late, slowing down and tapering off randomly, which is pretty distracting
one of the few good things about being fat is that i don't look any different even if i've been starving myself for days so nobody is ever able to tell
the inside of my mouth tastes incredibly bitter. might have something to do with all the not-eating. but it's fine. i don't mind bitter all that much
that one kpop youtuber who teaches people how to distinguish live vocals from pre-recorded, as well as explaining how and why things work like that, is doing the world a heroic service
why am i constantly in pain? wrong answers only
will anything ever top the impact of pure furies?
day 3 of eating nothing and drinking milk only
sometimes an artist has one (1) single good song and everything else is meh or bad but that one good song is just exactly what i needed
my toxic trait: if a musician speaks a single word about haters like acknowledges their existence in any way, or even worse centers whole musical pieces around responding or clapping back to people who hate them, that's HUGE MINUS POINTS from me.
"crimes: began the current girlboss trend in the 4th gen" AKAKDFNDISJFJFHDUSHFJ
i hope it's not particularly original. i hope there's more like this, and it's better, and it has more of the parts i like, and less of the parts i don't. i can see a shadow of perfection, of what exactly i want, in this, and i hope someone has already made something almost exactly like it, but it's the version i've been waiting to hear this whole time.
just struck the fear of god into a rat
they aren't joining in your performative circle of ritual condemnation. they follow the money, and the math says continue what they're already doing
very amusing to watch the neocons talk themselves into new levels of pitifulness as they either completely fail to understand or willfully refuse to admit that china is simply not beholden to them. they don't give a fuck
ok but all the art references in the mv though
me as a child: the news is serious stuff adults like to watch
me as an adult: news is junk food for your brain. avoid it as much as possible. discard any rl story unless it withstands the test of time and scrutiny
okay so it's not quite a straightforward velvet comeback. mixed feelings
i never over-commit to one vibe or genre of media and make it my personality. i have my classical playlist and jazz fusion playlist and prog rock playlist and kpop playlist and hiphop playlist and avant garde metal playlist and anime playlist and chiptune playlist and psy trance playlist and electro pop playlist and many others. they all have their days. i can enjoy a wholesome show or story like a parfait eaten on occasion just the same as i can indulge in the most depraved shit out there. my two main areas of reading are history+political economy and gay porn; both function as palate cleansers for each other. it's why i never think i'm better than anyone for liking a thing. i can fully see and understand how and why anyone might come to like anything, even things i hate. i don't base my personality on my tastes or what i do with my free time. i base my personality on being sad and pathetic. peace n love 😌
i am currently being consumed (and if you knew what specifically the thing was then this pun is so appropriate)
flandre/koishi shippers are so valid. personally i'm a flandre and koishi bffs truther but i love the energy in the shippy content too
hata no kokoro is the one touhou character i find uncomfortably relatable
sometimes you just gotta be a 26 y.o man having milk and sweet biscuits for breakfast at 4pm. self care, as the kids call it
NEED to rewatch lotgh. i miss the drama
but of course, MY kpop song of the year 2019 will ALWAYS be brown eyed girls' wonder woman :> (seriously it's a fantastic song with a fantastic mv) (also shh i know it's a cover but still)
recalling how even the boys (you know who) thought fancy was song of the year 2019
nothing can touch the a boy is a gun* instrumental
still salty over the fact that i waited years for a shinee comeback and they didn't even let them sing live once. fuck off sm 😒
my second favorite touhou soundtrack is hisoutensoku's, and i love it for very different reasons
and don't even get me started on necrofantasia. there's a good reason why it's so iconic and remixed into infinity
i'm serious, perfect cherry blossom's soundtrack is perfect. from the moment the game starts and paradise ~ deep mountain starts playing, you KNOW you're in for an elegant, mystical, emotional adventure. the soundtrack literally feels like the last days of winter giving way to spring. i say this as someone who lives in a tropical country and has never once experienced a season; i know what the beginning of spring feels like because of this game. the fantastic legend of tohno and withered leaf do such a great job in sonically representing the setting to you that the graphics barely even matter. the capital city of flowers in the sky combined with stage four's gameplay is a transcendent experience. and the final fight with yuyuko scored with border of life? you FEEL this ghost girl's pain and melancholy and why she did all that she did. nothing compares.
yes the world is messed up but as long as i can listen to the capital city of flowers in the sky and remember perfect cherry blossom, everything feels like it's going to be fine
i miss jojo fridays :(
i am so ready for queendom 2 you guys
if a pair of characters pull that trope of "if he's your canon love interest then why is he MY thematic parallel" that's it. that's all i need. i'm already invested
sometimes it does you better to admit you have to be fixed. and dear god, i can fix me. since i have to do fucking everything around here
"normalize having no friends, never going out of your house, and having longstanding mental health issues" NO! all of these apply to me and i am in fucking AGONY. this is a problem to fix, not something to make preachy positivity posts about. the fuck. you're so wrong for this tumblr
today's word is passion, something i don't have but i love observing and trying to mirror
speaking of rv, slom's bad boy remix remains superior. for those who don't know, slom is the wizard behind sumin's miniseries, one of my favorite albums of 2021.
WAIT A MINUTE. NEW RED VELVET? AND IT'S GONNA BE A VELVET COMEBACK??? I AM FROTHING AT THE MOUTH
top tier discourse: trying to determine who in a ship is the forklift certified one
i have the opposite of a photographic memory
wish i could have a memory palace 😔 though i guess that'd be more than a bit difficult for someone who generally can't visualize
i used to use certain songs as milking machines for my eyes to make myself cry. now none of them work. i want to cry so much but no matter what i am just not able to. the closest i can get is purposefully irritating my oversensitive eyes with light, specifically flashing lights with eye-straining colors. that would make me tear up, but it's the irritated and painful kind of tears, and i don't feel any relief afterwards
pathologist: even now, you still reread, multiple times, the most mildly complimentary or positive words anyone ever directs at you. if they existed on paper instead of a screen, you would run your fingers over the letters while smiling to yourself, and review whatever you did with those words in mind, trying to see it in the same way as those people who left you the nice words. you only help people because you feel your heart pound and swell in your chest whenever someone thanks you. you want nothing more than to be thanked, but you insist without fail every time to the receiver that whatever nice thing you did does not warrant any thanks. in the moments of their silence before expressing gratitude, you are screaming inside your head THANK ME! THANK ME! but there is also that moment of doubt where you anticipate anger, a scolding. after all, you live to be scolded.
can confirm, this is how it goes:
in a few months, it'll be the eleventh anniversary of that hospital trip.
at thirteen, i'd gotten really good at writing my mother's signature. i could copy it flawlessly, and no one who ever looked between a signature of hers that she wrote and a signature of hers that i wrote could tell the difference, including her. nowadays, i'd say that i can write her signature even better than she can. this is because, as she got older, the occasions where she had to write her own signature became more and more seldom since her working days (which ended years before i was born). whenever i accompanied her to government offices or corporate mazes (to carry her things and especially her umbrella, because otherwise she'd lose it), she always had to practice her signature a few times on her little spiral notebook before she could write it confidently. i only needed one try, if i had a reference to look at (which i did; for many years i had a picture of her signature saved in my phone's camera roll for whenever i happened to need it).
the reason i got so good at writing my mother's signature is because she despised keeping up with my school documents. i would leave her forms and permission slips and report cards she was required to sign, and she could never be relied on to remember them. as i've doubtless mentioned many times before, i seem to have inherited her bad memory, and untreated adhd makes me fairly scatterbrained when it comes to most objects even on a good day. it's why i always did my homework at the school cafeteria or library after class; i knew i would never get it done at home. i shopped for project supplies the day they were announced, and if possible, i left everything at school. it didn't require much adjustment to take inventory of all the day's forms at the same time as my homework, quickly fill them in, and shove everything back into my schoolbag before i went home, forgotten until the next day.
about the signatures, my mother cared so little that she rarely noticed. her only grumbling about school trips, for example, was that i'd better not ask her for any pocket money unless it was for something that couldn't be avoided, like commute money. she didn't care whether or not i studied for anything either; she just wanted a line of 90+ marks on my report card every quarter as proof that i was as smart as she thought i was. regardless of studying or preparation, according to her, i should just be able to ace it all. this is one of the things about which she and my father agreed. he used to say all the time that back when he was in school, all he'd have to do was listen to a lecture and he'd simply remember everything, enough to breeze through every test.
overall, she displayed strictness rather differently than every other mother i've encountered. by some measures, she was permissive, expecting me to just seamlessly sort out by myself many things which i observed most other kids needed help or even wholly let their parents handle. she never attended pta meetings (because i should never do anything that would require her presence at one of them). she never cared what i wore, as long as i never bugged her about buying clothes, though of course she would get her fill of complaining about how unbecoming it was that i mostly wore men's clothes (hand-me-downs from my dad, uncles, and male cousins). she never cared what i did in my free time (as long as i was on call when she needed me and i never spent any money, so no real extracurriculars or hobbies could be pursued in any seriousness. everything costs money, even in ways you don't think about like the money spent commuting, money for meals/snacks/drinks while outside, etc. not being locked inside the house was a conscious waste of money because temptation to spend was everywhere).
i used to compete in science quiz bees or journalism meets or writing competitions because of school, and she loved collecting my medals, but i never got very far because i never prepared for anything and she had no interest in providing any support because those things always cost money. she would always say that if i was really that good, i'd just rise to the top naturally, no training or tutors needed. eventually i stopped letting myself be talked into competing for these things by my teachers because i hated how disappointed they looked when i inevitably got eliminated at the division or regional level, after one or two successes. she never asked about them again after that.
she never cared that i never had any close friends, and i never tried making any for various reasons (could never trust anyone; couldn't do small talk; lost interest and forgot anyone unless they saw and approached me every day; was disenchanted by listening in long sessions to her badmouth her best friends from high school; was too singularly invested in my parents' marriage and individual lives that i had no room for any other deep and meaningful social connections). i still instinctively knew which people she wouldn't approve of: no effeminate guys because they disgust her; guys in general were bad news, no relationships; no girly girls who would train me to be a slut; no butch girls who would train me to be a lesbian; no poor kids who'd rub off their stench and bad taste; no rich kids who'd train me to think spending money on frivolous things was okay; no activist types who would turn me into a communist like her older sister (dead); no troublemakers with crimes or vices.
i also had a feeling that she was never unhappy about my lack of friends because that meant i had lots of time and attention to spare whenever she needed a marriage counselor or a secretary or simply another warm body to drag to places. but, like i said earlier, as long as i could always be on call, she otherwise didn't care what i did. unless i really fucked up, that is. it was also unspoken that i had no right to complain or be unhappy because she gave me unparalleled freedom; what more could i want?
two years after i mastered my mother's signature, i had little in the way of social skills or life skills in general (besides cooking and cleaning). my only real skill was the ability to amuse myself in solitude without ever needing to spend a single cent. i'd never gone anywhere and i'd never done anything (still haven't to this day). my only vice was the internet because beyond having to pay for the connection and electricity, i could do whatever i wanted for free. i had no bedroom or own bed or personal space for any possessions, but that was fine since i didn't have much in the way of objects other than a phone (christmas gift from an aunt) and laptop (salvaged from a repair shop's scrap). the digital space was my only space, and the only objects i could collect were mp3s and mp4s and jpegs and pngs and watch lists and ebook folders - records of where my time has gone.
two years after i mastered my mother's signature, my adhd had finally caught up to me in school. i shortcircuited. shit happened: grades fell, tried to kill myself a few times, ended up in a hospital, and forfeited my scholarship to the high school my mother picked.
after graduating, i was supposed to go straight to the top university in the country's best campus via scholarship, the one she couldn't get into even via waiting list. the high school was a science high school, and a stipulation of the scholarship contract was that i had to for sure go to university and pick a bachelor of science degree or else i would have to pay them back. i always had an amateur fascination with science as a kid, but three years in that high school made me realize that i had absolutely no interest in any of the real work science involved; i didn't want to teach or do research or have lives on the line with my work and i didn't have a dedicated passion for one specific thing that would result in studies and progress. but never mind that. if i was a smart kid, i was supposed to go into stem. it had always been a foregone conclusion that i'd get some highly respectable stem degree and have an irresistibly beautiful resume and land a job that would surely make me rich and my mom would finally be lifted out of near-poverty and get to travel through europe and rebuild her wardrobe and buy a car just like the ones she saw in the magazines she read when she went to the parlor for a pedicure.
instead, i fucked up, and she was furious. it wasn't the kind of furious i was used to, which was the way she often was with my dad (he fully reciprocated), or the kind of furious she was at my lesser transgressions. according to her, suicide was a guaranteed ticket to hell (coming from a woman who hadn't attended church in years). she said that not only had i ruined my only chance at a good life (the scholarship), but i doomed my afterlife too.
she fucked up her signature on my release documents from the hospital, and made my dad sign them instead. after she left, i asked him how he paid for the hospital bills, and he said he borrowed money from his sisters which would be deducted from his inheritance (a meager share of the selling price of his parents' house). to lighten the mood, i told him jokingly, while looking at the scribbly mess mom left on the papers, that i could've done a better job.
absolutely love the existence of chessle and i love watching people play it. i am still utter garbage at opening theory though :)
hellsite heights, a gated community in which the gates are there not to keep people out but to contain the clowns
new achievement: i haven't cut my nails (neither with my nail cutter nor my teeth) for five days. i fucking hate it. as a replacement compulsion, i've taken to more often and more obsessively washing my hands because the primary reason why i never liked growing my nails out in the first place is that it's now possible for dirt to get under them. a possible solution could be getting a manicure with nail polish; maybe if i'm not able to see every minute trace of dirt through the opaque nature of the polish, i could resist both the hand washing AND the cutting/biting. however, a neat manicure job is easily ruined by one session of dishwashing or laundry, and i KNOW that if i saw the tiniest spot where the nail polish has been scratched off, i wouldn't be able to stop scraping and scratching until all the polish is off and half the length of my nails is off and i'm bleeding all over my hands and mouth.
"i started writing this back when there was still porn on tumblr but i hope the jokes still land" i feel you, author!
everything i've ever wanted :)
ah yes my favorite tumblr holiday
the ever-shifting definition of "that's completely within the scope of what i can write"
no matter what the fuck i do it always comes back to my voice being way too fucking feminine
maybe one day it'll stop looking like i wrote it
when i was four years old, my butt and thighs and legs were, for a time, absolutely covered in painful and disgusting boils. instead of seeing a dermatologist and opting for some ridiculously bankrupting treatment, my mom had me sit naked in a large metal basin filled with salt and warm water every morning for half an hour while she washed clothes. i hated the coarse feeling of rock salt that had, at multiple points, pierced my pathetic baby skin and turned the water a bit bloody. she scolded me for moving too much or sitting all wrong. i scowled and continued to fidget, even more because the heat of the late morning sun always ensured the metal basin quickly became unbearable. after a month of this, and her stubbornly treating the boils with cheap ointment, the boils disappeared. she took care of me. i didn't complain too much.
my beloved mother's preferred way of "fat-shaming" me was describing in detail how she would cook me if i were a pig because with how fat i was getting, surely i would be fat enough to eat soon. she'd pinch my thigh and talk about the possible quality of broth my bones would produce. it was only in high school that i learned the the joking threats of cannibalism my parents and i always made to insult each other were not, in fact, normal. there were lots of animal-calling in general, but my parents both absolutely hated having pets around, and they would throw rocks to turn away strays, so it was always clear to me.
the one thing i'm never gonna be able to be nice about is foreigners speaking tagalog like literally no foreigner has ever sounded good with it. it's embarrassing. i will always viciously judge them while having no right to bc i only learned the language like almost 10 years late despite living here all my life. i still sound perfect despite the fact that i have a hilariously inadequate vocabulary 😜
you know what? i'm taking that
from a message i wrote in some random discord server's vent channel:
i'm desensitized to everything but sometimes i become lucid again. [...] it's sickening. i'm sick of it. [...] i just can't seem to take it today. [...] it doesn't bother them that their strongly worded letters won't ever amount to anything. they're just controlled opposition and they have no idea what a nonexistent challenge they pose. usually it doesn't bother me but how the fuck do we live like this? without being so profoundly angry you'd be willing to [REDACTED]. anything to stop this theater of madness.
the baccano soundtrack remains immaculate
got immediately filled with a novel-length idea after just browsing the ao3 tag for 30 seconds, as god intended
for once, it's the evil, unhinged, gay, canon supercarrier for me
miniseries is such an excellent fucking album guys
ba dum tss 😎😎😎
i don't have to practice mindfulness. my mind is already always full
geopolitical entity uncancelled
the missionary has recently opened up her vault to share some now-obsolete lines she had prepared for a possible life in the military. of course, the psychology degree (now also abandoned thanks to the copyediting job) rendered this unnecessary:
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as revenge on my throat, i ate the most i have in months! it's also nice to have such a comfortable degree of separation from any media i consume because it was really healthy for me to eat my chicken and rice at the right mealtime. watching a show with gratuitous gore in 1080p wasn't going to mess with that
i should see a psychiatrist? the thing that turned will graham gay??
my dad the last time i called him: "i can't believe you still think you're evil by nature because she cited tantrums you had when you were a toddler and how it made her think you weren't entirely human"
me: "so it wasn't reasonable for her to believe i was momentarily possessed by dark spirits when i did something she didn't like?"
the pathologist had a fucking field day with that conversation, let me tell you
sometimes i think about beta'ing a few favorite fic for my own private reading pleasure and it makes me feel unbelievably conflicted. reading unbeta'd fic by non-native english-speakers is somewhat therapeutic for me because it's the one activity that allows me to quiet the voices screeching and whining and raving constantly about wrongness.
today while watching that show i'm currently watching, i noticed a typo in the momentary shot of an article passage. man instead of may. one letter off, and it jumped out to me immediately. i don't think i've ever read anything without a single mistake i noticed. everything else in this show is so deliberately crafted that i had to think twice about it. "maybe it's intentional to show her, at times, unscrupulous character as a journalist?" but i don't know.
i can't let these things go in a multimillion dollar production, or even a publication whose writers do copyediting for each other's articles, overseen by their editors, with no dedicated person to do my job.
i remember being no more than ten and eagerly reading the new issue of a magazine at booksale, and my excitement turned to a sour frown so fast when i began to notice the tons of horrible mistakes. all the people who worked on it were older than me. why were they all so wrong? i've always thought i was the most wrong person i know. the wrongness itches from the inside of my skull every day, and i long to rid myself of it. but these people are even more wrong. so many mistakes i would never even have to correct if i wrote those pieces because i would never make them in the first place.
my high school advisor for journalism club trusted my SPAG so much that i could tell he only skimmed over the news article i wrote directly into the microsoft publisher file. he said it was to save time, and for me to subconsciously shape and trim my words to fit aesthetically with the meager word count and few justified blocks allotted to me. everyone else had to pass on their work to the upperclassmen assigned editors.
i respected them, but still frowned sourly upon reading the released paper. we only got to release one or two a year, and that's what i had to look at? a few tiny mistakes, so few because they were good at their jobs, but anything nonzero was still itchy itchy ITCHY!!!!!
back to fic. i'm a fan of rarepairs and dead fandoms and small fandoms. i don't get to choose from that big a pool a lot of the time. i don't get to control how comfortably someone is writing in a foreign language. they share these works out of the sheer love in their hearts and desire to be heard and understood by kindred souls, hoping we readers also see what they saw.
scraping the depths of ao3 taught me to look past the words themselves, so easily editable in my mind that i could never put down the red pen, and see the intention behind them. over the years i started seeking, specifically, works of authors who are non-native speakers. authors who translated their own works in their native language to help them practice english. with a different language comes a different way of thinking, and a different rhythm to the words. cultural story conventions are different. taboos are different. also, you can tell a lot about how someone learned english by the stock phrases* they tend to incorporate in their writing.
(*little of what we say is original content. we don't learn letters or even words individually, but as sentences and ideas and feelings. we just see the same clumps of letters used in the same way so many times and assume their meaning.)
someone who learned it in class will write very differently from someone who paid little attention in school but was addicted to binging american tv shows. anyway, i just love it. the unpolished diversity of thought, freeing me from the banshee clutches of the wrongness.
but sometimes, i think to myself, surely i can polish it a little bit. harmlessly. funnily enough, it's so incredibly fucking WRONG, though. the shape of your words doesn't deserve to be defiled by my sandpaper soaked in red ink.
(***i type in lapslock because it's faster, and it's how i see words in my mind. i can't visualize. also, the best scripts don't have case. i never liked that, but i refuse to read anybody else longform like this. double standard.)
sometimes i have to pause because i got confused whether fw is being used to mean forward or fuck with
the nazis literally had the most effective well written propaganda. it just needs a cosmetic touch-up in euphemisms every once in a while. i am reminded of this every day with every new "let us defend against the asiatic hordes" article from the neocons. they don't have a single original bone in their bodies and neither do the people they plagiarize
i don't want them to be happy. i want them to stew in their pointless pining forever and keep dancing. it's my dinner party and i get to choose the dishes
pathologist: the reason you never outgrew your fear of dogs isn't because every dog hates you (which is true, even those described by their owners as "the sweetest thing" make them go "i'm so sorry, i don't know why he's acting like this", even babies, old ones, sick ones, etc.) but because anger you perceive to be justified is the only thing you respond to
i want to be a voyeur during the big bang
i look forward to the bitter aftertaste now. i searched and, strangely, i've never written about that before
summary of the show btw: "you are severely mentally ill. you should do intense homosexual intercourse about it"
i want to fuck the muse. not out of desire but out of gratitude
i don't like the mice
out of them all i find lizards the least threatening. they're perfectly quiet and they want absolutely nothing to do with me. we let each other live
i'm okay with my voice when i'm sick
season 4 with the two of them in hell please
oh god i loved it. i loved them
i win again. i can now unclench my jaw
i feel better
i'm still the kind of person who will put my phone on landscape and spend minutes dragging the slider back and forth over and over because it keeps going to 158 and 161 instead of the 160 that i want
btw, finished the show! solid 10
sighs. my keyboard's long press setting is already at 180ms (less than half the default of 450) and it's. still. not. fast. enough
btw, belated happy women's day, everyone! 🥳
if there's one thing my parents agree on it's food
successfully managed to numb my throat with soda! the sheer amount of sugar i had to swallow for that to happen is disgusting but worth it. next time i'll just gargle baking soda
anything i tell you, i would tell anyone who asked. anything they're not allowed to know, neither would you.
"quantifiably bitchy" banger! i will keep that!
pathologist: the idea of hard magic systems has rotted your brain for real. free yourself
i fucking hate having a tremendous gag reflex. a piece of tonsil hangs off barely scraping the back of my tongue and it's like i'm constantly going to vomit but nothing will come out
but i do remember when i used to get tonsillitis as a kid it was way worse. or maybe my pain tolerance just increased
almost hacked up a tonsil earlier
TWITTER IS AN ILLUSION
same with 4chan really. i escaped that hellhole years ago but i'm still getting all the best posts
i love tiktok. no i don't have a tiktok account. i love the tiktok experience on tumblr
it gets worse before it gets better
so much of twitter fandom discourse has been resolved YEARS AGO by the trekkies and more recently than that by the hockey people. kpoppies and minecraft people are spending their lives in agony for NOTHING
"this is not a developing third world nation" "relatively civilized, relatively european" no you fucking didn't!
idk if it hurts less or i just stopped caring. i crave lychee flavored things
sick me is now channeling dan (i can't believe how much i hate everything)
a problem with me is i'm never content with tumblr recommendations but i can never ignore them either. i have to go through the notes to find the caption/reblog chain that made it so popular, and then reblog the most interesting chain
it's me i'm the social media fairy talking to you from inside your brain log out right now boy we can have fun grass-touching times outside twitter is an illusion
i'm becoming the crocodile
i feel horrible, i'm in constant pain, and i don't have the energy to do anything. why the fuck would you think i'd willingly go to a hospital and be put in a screening room with "likely covid positives" i don't fucking have covid, i know what my problem is, but staying in that room for three fucking days is damn well gonna make sure i catch it. and let me tell you something: i KNOW that if i got it, i wouldn't survive.
why can't i find an exact description of streets/roads in late 19th century berlin. i need it for one throwaway sentence but it's driving me mad that i can't get it right for certain
glass and steel (euck)
sick in bed & channeling olivia (don't kill my vibe, that's a no no)
its the natural gas guys. its the fucking gas
the pathologist likes the grey-black bodypaint and stag horns
"this killer wrote you a poem. are you going to let his love go to waste?"
NO! HE! FUCKING! DIDN'T! 😆
i gave into the hype (read: the sudden impulse stirred in me by a post of one tumblr mutual) and oh my fucking god
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YOU REMAIN UNCHANGED
yes, finally, some sanity!!
TALK TO MEEEE!
"if i was a cis man i'd be worse" "if i was a cis woman i'd still be a nerdy weirdo" if i was a cis man i would be so stereotypically masculine and tall and deep voiced and chad-like. my dick would be 20 inches long 10 inches thick and i wouldn't even use it bc i'd still be ace. it would be purely for display and it would be awesome
escapism so strong you think you're even better than the idealized fantasy character. no you would not have [flaws to make story more interesting] you would simply make the right decision every time bc you are simply built different
my hair is growing way too fucking fast. i just got it shaved down to nothing
pathologist: you just wish someone would psychoanalyze you with the same level of detail and accuracy other than yourself
2019-present: the "trying to regain unindexed experiences" era
fuck fuck fuck why can't i remember the name of that one poetry/short prose publication ateneo has (had?). i'm 50% sure it's a one word title and i need to find one specific poem from either the 2014 or 2016 edition bc fragments of it live in my head!!!!!!
you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged you remain unchanged
tumblr loves kafka. and i'm very thankful they do, or else i probably would've never discovered him
the pathologist is going through his terf phase. currently working on a theory about me as a repressed hetero woman. the missionary, as expected, is crafting a future of me married and happy, and a matching one with me married and miserable in much the same type of relationship my parents had. "at this point it could go either way," she says.
empathetic but not sociable
i have no fucking idea what their group name is supposed to mean but hey the songs are good
sometimes i love reddit
redditor 1: what's a stand
redditor 2: [explanation of how stands work in jojo's that presupposes familiarity with anime tropes]
redditor 1, evidently not a weeb: thank you. you've just explained latin to me using greek.
"over-leveraging my firstborn" NAKSDNKEJDHDDHFBFB
i would platonically marry the type of girl my mother wanted me to be, tbh
a list of red velvet music video concepts:
the girls get high off of pollen and have vivid pastel hallucinations
how easy it is to succumb to a watery grave
the girls get high again, this time on sugar
some minor trouble at the clone factory
theme parks
a cult of rainbows, glitter, and jewels murder a pizza delivery guy every full moon
"fruits are REALLY good for you, y'know!"
50s(?) archetypal american dinnertable
rainstorms, electrocution, and love is like drowning actually
cartoon slapstick violence
"boy, you don't need to dress up for halloween. your personality is enough."
extended airpods commercial
you WILL have persistent fruit-related ideation unless you go outside and touch grass RIGHT NOW
cookies!!! nope they're ants
homoeroticism? horror?
the girls have a sleepover
random disjointed imagery (feat. cars)
pathologist: the missionary at her best is the keeper of a menagerie of futures and possible lives and longterm strategies for social success. she is all about empathy and compassion and seeing the good in everyone*, about aspirations and creeds and standards. but at her worst she is the one who subverts your parents' favorite guilt trip into how dare you eat when others starve, how dare you amuse yourself when there are others who suffer, how dare you write, how dare you sleep, how dare you breathe, all the misery experienced by everyone else in the world is but a fraction of what you deserve as rightful punishment, how dare you, how dare you, how dare you. you try to channel your parents' version of the guilt trip as a counter to her, but it rings hollow because they are not you, not like she is.
*except you.
so glad more people are finally realizing the truth that is reimu being the officially appointed class traitor of gensokyo
the song scientist by twice pairs perfectly with that romcom anime about the two highschool nerds who try to logic-out having crushes on each other
[bonus]
aunt: you're tough as nails. that's not always a bad thing. i would've cracked if i had to live with her for years, never mind most of my life
my aunt: okay, okay, you don't need to talk like we're in a court room. you're not a lawyer. you're not taking my testimony
my aunt a few months ago: don't talk like a teacher in a classroom
me both times: sorry. it's how i was...
aunt: ah. your mom
the ideal future is choc navy switches in a laptop keyboard
just need to figure out how to drip-feed arthur's story throughout the main one. he's the villain so of course he's important. and a separate solo work just for that is... inelegant
from a message i never sent, saving here as a reminder to myself:
have you ever felt that a mask you put on has evolved to have more control over you than you over it? because that's how i've been feeling with this online identity i've kept up on and off for almost 8 years, though it has evolved significantly over time. it makes me feel so restricted because of the things inconsistent with the identity, which i can never reveal online. but at the same time, it makes me feel so incredibly free because of the things i can say honestly with the shield of this identity, but which i can't say in real life. i guess that's why i kept it up for so long despite everything. but recently i've been feeling that the restrictive bit has finally outweighed the freeing bit, so i think it might be time to hang up the cloak and just go back to being me. (though, i don't have a super solid grip on what 'me' means anymore. sometimes i feel like the identity, despite all its inconsistencies with my real life, is more reflective of who i am inside. maybe both are me, just different irreconcilable fragments.)now... why am i telling you all this? well, i know we haven't talked in a while since i'm so fucking bad at keeping in touch, but i still consider you one of the best friend's i've had over the course of time i've kept this identity. thus, i felt like you deserved to know. this will probably be my last message from this account, so i just wanted to end it with the send off message of: doubt the things i've said about myself and my background in the past. which were me, which were part of the identity. i could say the fake parts are now dead or never existed at all, but they could also be more like a self-fulfilling prophecy, a prediction, or just hyperbolic analogy of things i couldn't express plainly. were they metaphors or just lies?
as an actual final parting message, i guess i could course correct by saying my real first name. however, i hate my name and i plan to get it legally changed (this desire being one of many expressed through the identity). so, revealing it wouldn't really mean anything, huh?
if i can never afford top surgery or it will result in complications with at least one of my many illnesses, then i hope that someday i can at least pass off these accursed things as "old man boobs"
secondhand embarrassment means i wanted them to get away with it?
i don't think i could be actively capable of envy. i have an almost pathological fear of it, and of being anyone else other than me. even though i don't like me all that much either
how long will this last?
i only ever cry at the wrong things. that's why when i can never muster a tear when crying is appropriate and the only thing that could make me feel better
i want to remember the one single horror that has ever been able to make my stomach drop
believe it or not, it isn't my mother. the person i have the hardest time pleasing is myself
i would rate the hre 2.0 ending a solid 8.3/10
honestly it's great
i can't remember how any of it goes!
i can never find said imitations anymore btw :(
oishi used to make these fruity loops that were obvious imitations of kellogs froot loops but let me tell you, now that i've tried the original, the imitations were way better.
sighs
i have never done my best even once in my life
why does my yearly molting have to come with horrible migraines this year 🙁
my mother absolutely loved glee and rachel in particular whom she called the "ideal daughter" and at the time that made perfect sense to me because it really says a lot about her as a person
i find it surreal how glee the tv show actually ties in to my mommy issues
the core of those stories are generally the same, but the art and the trappings have gotten a lot better
i was wrong, it was dumb dumb. i'm the amateur 😔 (and a fake fan)
seriously, i bought it because the hardware is incredibly cheap for what i get but the pain of buying lesser known brands is the complete inability to find good custom roms for it. sadly not every brand is as beloved by the roms community as xiaomi; i've been spoiled. if i had the time and motivation i would work on a lineage image for my current phone myself but y'know
sometimes a random person on xda forums just completely nails how i feel about my phone: "it's as if i have a hummer with a beetle carburetor"
random person on twitter saying the background music for a viral tiktok video is a red velvet instrumental when it's clearly ioi. amateurs
also not enough people talk about how akko changed the prebuilt game
the scratch of stock cherry silent reds remains superior among the silent linears!
i don't like the gasket mounted spacebar sound
wish i could set a separate font size for mobile
i hope we'll still be friends by october
source: books, declassified documents, former cia agents and officials who literally admitted it happened
verdict: that's just a conspiracy bro
source: twitter, joe rogan, dude trust me
verdict: IT'S UNDISPUTABLE
tumblr has a new favorite tiktoker and he's hilarious. i'll still never install tiktok, thankfully he's on yt too
atla comics be like "sorry my dear girlfriend, i can't come with you back to your homeland to meet with your father and help rebuild it; zuko needs me"
am i ambidextrous? i write with my left hand because that comes naturally to me, but my right hand is pretty dominant too. i use it for spoons, scissors, and computer mice. but, i use my left hand for my touchpad, forks, knives (except when i'm also using a fork), and needles when sewing. i can write with my right hand, and it's uglier because that's not what i'm used to, but after an hour or so of doing it it pretty much looks normal. my dad is right-handed, and he says he uses his dominant hand for everything, including forks when he's eating something that only requires a fork. in contrast, spoons remain in my right hand when i'm eating soup or ice cream because my brain is just wired to "spoons are for the right hand." i think i'm mostly left-handed and i've just gotten used to using my right for things that are impossible or highly impractical to use my left, the best example being scissors. i learned intuitively as a child that scissors simply don't function in my left hand. i tried left-handed scissors once at a mall department store as an adult, and those just felt weird to me. i didn't like those left-handed arm-desks when i first encountered them in high school because all throughout my primary and elementary years, i got used to right-handed ones. mice in internet cafes are always positioned on the right, so i just got used to using them that way, and now that i use a wireless mouse and can place it anywhere i like, using it with my left hand is similarly uncomfortable and strange.
saving: wordle links, courtesy of the
nice to have a mouse again. my hand was starting to hurt a little too much from exclusively using the touchpad
sighs
...nah
made a dark mode and i want to be able to toggle between them. it's simple but requires jquery and idk if i want to
hold on i want to make a dark mode for this one
made a new theme! i like this font a lot :) :] :> ^.^ ,/?";+=-_%&$#@
saving this for reference
pathologist: you seem to have this weird, persistent ideation of regenerative immortality. you've said before that the first thing you'll do is gouge both your eyes out because when they heal back you'll have 20/20 vision again, and then you'll break your spine so when that heals back your back problems will be gone. you've also said you'll take a knife down every blemished part of your face and body and carve them all out so that when the skin heals every part will be perfectly unblemished.
from a dm i sent:
i often take 5 minutes or more to write a descriptive sentence bc i can't figure out how to arrange the words in a way that all the necessary info is present but it also makes sense grammatically. all the words are out of order in my brain .-.
antis and terfs (there is a big overlap in that venn diagram believe it or not) leave all the weird cringy weeb gay trans men the fuck alone challenge: failed! they cannot BREATHE without these fuckers pulling out the "fetishizing mlm"/"het women invading gay male spaces" card. i am so tired of being portrayed in every piece of discourse as either a confused child or a "disgusting"/"failed" woman. not a woman, may have been born one but you guys really need to get over it
you think "thock" is somehow a big mystery to achieve? all you need is stacked acrylic, fuckton of foam, fr4 plate, tape mod, and your choice of a deep sounding switch like ink blacks or bobas (hint: not umwhpe)
my least/favorite quirk of all the cheapo phones i've ever owned: the partially cracked screen works BETTER for playing rhythm games than brand new/newly replaced screens. some touches just don't register on new screens, breaking my combo
GOD BLESS everyone who maintains those "x year in south korean music" wikipedia pages, y'all are more reliable, complete, and up to date than specialized wikis
pathololgist: you're always saying you don't know what you want, but you always you what you want
i've used every distro besides arch yet for all that time i still end up at the arch wiki whenever i fuck up 👌
temporary delusion, if you will
no no no no but my existence IS a momentary lapse of reason
hands down the best reply i've ever gotten on a youtube comment is "you Will be polish" i still think about it sometimes
"socialism with cia characteristics" i absolutely love luna, she NEVER misses
i love text posts that have a ton of unnecessary clarifications in parenthetical asides!
today's mood: fuck cars
i realize it's childish, averting my eyes
are things too flimsy or do i just use too much force? i've always been heavy-handed. as a kid my mother used to call me "[deadname] the destroyer"
pathologist: also, just ask [artist] what a good [x] translation for your working title would be. it's a bit insulting that you'd run through google translate and all its competitors instead of... just asking.
pathologist: maybe instead of lamenting the perspective you do not have and thus cannot insert into or use to inform your story by having [certain historical reference] or [state of mind specific to the culture] to color the protagonists' internal monologue, you should consider that this story would never be written at all by a [x] person. it is your own cultural blindspot that allowed you to come up with this story, and a [x] would have never considered it. it can only exist if you embraced your limitations, and wrote it anyway.
"seance fan" aka based people
the usual klaus shenanigans (fond)
saving:
the middle ground between planck length and the observable universe is the size of a single eukaryotic cell.
[scratching head] [pulls hand away] my scalp smells like blood again :| [looks at fingers] oh so it is bleeding...
the problem with doomsday preppers is they act as if the apocalypse is just a long camping trip
pathologist: in your stories, you've described magic spells as "useful practical things." the way you think about magic is all wrong, just a tool with predictable mechanical results
can confirm, i hyperfixated on it for like a year
i don't think there's a bone in my body that isn't mean
a flower bookmark (the good one)
if you want to rot your brain as fast as possible, read comments talking about communism on hacker news
one of my favorite things is that "love [country x] from [country y]" comment but with completely wrong flags used
i'm a kid when it comes to this stuff
i want to know see the end of the story.
i like the default monospace font on win10 though
just realized this page looks a hell of a lot different on windows. the ice cube emojis don't show up, for one. ugh i hate booting my windows partition
my mother sees suicide and poverty as failures of character. says a lot about how i was raised really
the level i aspire to be at:
my pronouns are i/me/my. i don't talk about myself in third person, so really, which third person pronouns to use for me sound like a you problem.
sick in bed playing chess on my phone
might be a fever coming on too :/
"why do i feel so terrible? ah, dehydration"
a qpr by any other name-
i want to heal the hate in my heart
every person on this earth has at least one story from their life with major r/thathappened vibes except it's actually true
pro tip for self: you don't need to say the reason for some of your squicks is "thing rankles my dysphoria" bc 1) no squick needs a justification and 2) it's pretty obvious
the art is sooo good but i hate the caption, ruins it
i think i'll just switch between that and this one whenever i feel like it, occasionally making new themes to add to the collection
kinda missing my old theme
yes indeed, i'm reading about the history of fascism while listening to a romcom soundtrack and drinking oversugared lemon tea. it's a normal saturday evening
where do i find classical (or romantic or baroque or etc you know what i mean) music that has a similar mood to this track i've been obsessed with? where do i even start? tchaikovsky?
ace positivity through comedy, ideal representation!
i meme here and there but to be serious for once, anime dubs are generally so much better now. there's also a lot more shows being dubbed and i see that as a net positive, though i still watch subbed most of the time with only a few exceptions
my typing speed on my phone gets scary when i'm pissed. i never get incoherent but the opposite, i could bang out wordy-as-fuck, indignant paragraphs and somehow my friends manage to read all that shit, bless them
SOMETIMES I MAKE MISTAKES AND IT'S NOT OKAY
correction: don't get jaded ever. i know people in their 80s who are just filled to the brim with love for the world and kind acceptance of younger generations and i hope one day i can get over my horrible jaded-ness and become like that too
i love y'all, make sure you only get jaded once you're 50+. i'm living the alternative and i don't recommend it. be happy please
oh anon, my dear sweet summer child, i assure you you don't want to know
apparently i have a face that is hard to forget (though i suspect it's mostly the complexion). good thing it's covered up with a mask now ^-^
call me a bigot for this but filams DO NOT get to decide what people who actually live here are called. fuck "filipinx" forever. it's not progressive; it's insulting. it's a foreign imposition that claims to better than what natives call ourselves. filipino is gender neutral, but by insisting on that foreign term, you're arguing that the most common term is male-only, further perpetuating the "male is default" mindset we need to rid ourselves of. please, go home here once in a while to cure yourselves of that american brainrot. you want to be progressive? learn about the farmers here, the land-back movements, the environmental battles. protest and campaign against the neo-colonialist holdings of US companies here. literally do anything except succumb to the useless liberal idpol, there's so much to be done.
actually, let me make that the page title
hope this helps!
gender issues
i want to learn german i wish my adhd brain would let me
in fact i may be on the road to only needing to have one of them
for the 18, not the 26
oh, to have direction again! to have a goal! to have a dream!
"gotten better at handling her" update: had to run away
i've gotten better at handling her. when she asks me for money i just directly pay whatever bill she couldn't because i know it would otherwise disappear down a hole if i gave it to her, and the bills would still be unpaid. she HATES me for this, however, calling me ungrateful and distrusting when she deserves all the trust in the world because she only tells the truth (incorrect)
not sure if i want to be confided in when it comes to gender issues™ but ofc i will listen to/help anyone who asks
i just want the young people in my extended family to see me as the cool uncle who gets them nice stuff during holidays
i'll have you know, boring croc-wearing grill dad IS my ultimate long term transition goal
i never resign when i'm losing bc i swear NO ONE at my level knows how to mate with king and rook (which is the most common endgame i get)
I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS ALBUM!!! HER VOICE, HER LYRICS, THE INSTRUMENTATION, EVERYTHING 😍
i'm literally a trash player, you could beat me even with a bad opening. as long as you don't blunder anything i'll probably lose
what IS IT with people resigning once they see me play d4?? oh i'm sorry should i just play e4 as you prepared for? not my fault you don't prepare any defenses for d4 😐
remember when every non-praising non-submissive word i said to her was, according to her, because i was being puppeteered as a mouthpiece by her enemies? she stopped seeing me as a person, believed i was capable of no original thought, accused me of being possessed by the devil as a test for her every time i tried to avoid her. dad still had it worse though, probably. but also probably not because he was better at retaliating. i can only ruminate on it years later on some stupid personal anonymous webpage
if all else fails, monet paintings still cheer me up ^-^
everything tastes bitter. everything feels pointless. i understand happiness as a literary phenomenon
2021 is the year of having heated gamer moments while playing blitz chess (not really, i'm too deep in a decade+ of social anxiety to be anything but unfailingly polite to even the rudest opponents. that is not a virtue i'm just pathetic)
and yet, she is still the only woman i've ever loved
i was her possession, a shiny doll to show to her friends for being 'smart'/'talented'/'so well behaved.' no wonder i grew drastically apart from her during my dorm years
i am an adult! i can go out and shop and queue and talk to people like a normal grownup human. i'm not an alien or robot or 7yo, though i sometimes feel like i haven't really graduated from that. i never actually learned how little freedom i had when i was young bc i never pushed the boundaries. it was only after i was already an adult and tried to act like it that i realized my mother was not willing to let me.
possibly 2-for-2 on stories called a second chance ruining me?
"YTA your fault for blundering mate in 10" WJENEKSNDJEJEHDBDG
it's actually funny that he's so nice to me and vice versa bc we recognized each other's mommy issues on sight
just need to make sure i'm dealing with landlady's son and not landlady herself and i won't have any hassles
good news about my internet!!! it's been 2 years so i can terminate my current plan at any time and not have to pay a cent! also already confirmed the other company with a cheaper plan services the place where i plan to move (unsurprising). the rent is still more expensive but eh, i'm done with this place. soon. just need to wait for my lease to run out
one of the originals™
stuffing my face full of turon bc i can't express my anger in any other way
she's fucking crazy. i don't know why i ever bother
it's like my heart was attuned to her voice and burst into aches and pains at a certain volume
i wonder why was i so hurt even when it wasn't me she was screaming at
saving to remind me of my own hypocrisy:
a fool's heart yearns for what he does not seek
in all her decades of existence, she's never heard of the grim reaper. wild
what if she's right? what if i am the bad one and it's all my fault?
m-me.... m...echanical keyboards
mostly i want to be immortal so i could see the end of the story. observe the rise and fall of civilizations for no other reason than i want to see them. i want to know when they happen. and also the heat death of the universe, if that'll even happen
i may be suicidal sometimes but as soon as those episodes are over i really haven't accepted my own death. it's not even funny
maybe immortality shouldn't be the default for everyone but it should definitely be an option for me. forget that i'm suicidal sometimes, that isn't my rational brain. my rational brain wants immortality. or maybe it's vice versa
i remember being a kid and my mom showing me her high school yearbook, dutifully reciting everyone's names while pointing at their pictures and telling me where those people ended up. some of them, she was like "oh they're dead now, they died in..." and just very calmly recount the details of their death and i remember sitting there being like HOW CAN YOU BE SO NONCHALANT ABOUT THIS. PEOPLE YOU ONCE KNEW ARE DEAD. i was so scared of death as a kid, especially when i first learned about it. apparently i thought immortality was the default and i'd be able to observe the heat death of the universe so when i was informed that i would stop existing a long time before that, i was shocked and i didn't want to believe it.
remember when ON:E was the only concert where they didn't perform INU since its release?
just gonna need to do something about my wifi and then we're good 👌
btw i am moving soon!!! i have found a place!!!!! :D
oh to have a 2-0 bullet record against the world champion
all the artists on my tl are enjoying the new(?) play and you know what? good for them!
even to this day i can't do it, i can't express anger, i have to remind myself it's natural but if it is natural and i'm not capable of it, what does that make me?
i can't believe how long i believed you
you are the only one whose anger is righteous. everyone else's is evil. anger towards you is violence, thus you are the biggest and only victim. that's what you taught me
except when you're the one who's angry, then there is a good reason and the ones who are bad are the ones you call you bad for being angry or for whatever you do when you're angry
anger==evil, according to you
you were the one who taught me that as long as i never get angry, i never scream, then i'm not the one who's wrong
puzzles are fun ^-^
the premove metagame
this day went very bad then got better
btw i was quite productive today!
optimizing the rules for maximum fun
eh eh
opposite of a mood plummet!
forgot the thought i had an hour ago. this is happening more often lately, need to be quicker about posting them here
i'm a bully
pathologist: you only like dynamics that are very equal in certain specific ways
youtube comment section humor: "the joke is that you know nazis are bad but i just said something implying they're good or that i agree with them" 😐
pandan rice is the best 🥰
it's almost as if- i was only able to get over my wrongness complex and be normal about the wrong things
pathologist: but sometimes, you know you are and you don't care
pathologist: honestly it makes sense, the obsession about being wrong and the constant self-doubt even about obvious empirical things that aren't even a consideration for most people, and on the off chance that they were wrong, it wouldn't even matter because they would only be wrong in their private notes that nobody would ever see. but it was never about other people, you just can't handle seeing yourself be wrong
writing quickly becomes unfun because my inner critic can be quite weird, i could type a single perfectly normal word in the document and it will passionately convince me that that word never existed which will necessitate me looking it up from multiple sources and checking if the etymology and meaning is consistent across them all and only then will my suddenly conjured fears about using a nonexistent word i made up be dispelled
i've tried touching grass, it didn't work. more serious outdoorsy activities are only nice until i remember i'm anemic
maybe there's nothing deeply wrong with me and i'm just wrong about it as usual, but if that was correct then i would also be correct about there being something fundamentally wrong with me
i'm fragile in the wrong places, desensitized to the wrong things, only embarrassed by the wrong things, made anxious by the wrong situations, calm at the wrong times. no matter where you look it's just wrong wrong wrong wrong
i think i've invested far too much in external/surface-level toughness that when it comes to my ideas it's like i could be daydreaming about writing the same one thing for the whole day but i see one little thing and that can just shatter it all. ugh
stop feeling bad about your own fantasies contradicting anyone else's
the tumblr sexyman formula is homosexuality + tax fraud send tweet
some people just see the most blatant, longing-for-romance 'forever alone' type characters and unironically go "wow! positive aro representation 🥰" like NO. I'M ARO. THAT CHARACTER IS IN AGONY
it's not like i needed my rooks anyway :(
just don't crown the next one!
i didn't come here for realism, i came to be entertained!
i am not your possession and i am not your second try at life
the neighbors are fighting a lot lately
OH GOD I COULD'VE DONE THAT THIS WHOLE TIME AND I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD A PROBLEM WITH LINKBACKS. DAMN
i only like beer into the context of them, what can i say except i'm biased
one of the jp artists i follow on twitter posts a daily december 'advent calendar' which consists of one or more of their --- plushies and a cute caption treating them like little pets, stuff along the lines of "he tried to eat this chocolate but it was too big :<", "he fell into this bowl and got stuck!", "here he is tucked into bed 🥰" and i love these so so so much 😭😭😭
no, eating out of the salad bar of ideology is not much better than eating out of the trash can of ideology
i never finished my degree but even i'm not that deranged and i can extend enough empathy not to want to call people irredeemable freaks any chance i get. if you get into it specifically to belittle people then i'm afraid that is just not the career for you
genuinely i'm worried for any future patients to be had by antis who pursue a psych degree/study to become therapists. feel like they're gonna do more harm than good there
NO REALLY I'M JUST DRAWING A BLANK
I CAN
i know i can be good at talking. sometimes
forgot the phrase i wanted to enter into neuralblender
two contradictory desires:
(1) sometimes, i want to sing
(2) always, i want to sound like a man
i've forgotten so many details about past versions of the fiction, the kind of story it was always varied wildly based on the community
why don't you talk about the shame?
migraine :|
no matter how much you LARP, war isn't a game
soup <3
it sounds like a glimmer of hope
the pathologist is always looking at the past. the missionary, on the other hand, specializes in curating a menagerie of futures
i want to stop being a ghost
@3 of my most respected fic authors: it was so, for lack of a better word, based of you all to also like ---- on top of -----
it's so annoying, i go and do my laundry and parts of my shirts are just inexplicably bloodstained. sometimes i backtrack and only find the wound by looking at where the stain would've come from
bleeding again :/
"fiery passion or fiery rubble"
need to go back to my hometown, people wouldn't tolerate any conyo shit from me there which will force me to get better and improve my vocabulary again
i'm way too internetted that i'm losing some tagalog, it's actually worrying :|
NATUKLAW. that's the word i couldn't remember
something is wrong
unwell. very unwell
soundcloud's mobile site got better
it's just different over there, not necessarily worse. ok maybe worse. but still better than where i came from
i don't want an audience i want feedback, hope this helps
it's already 7 and it's not even that bright
WHO is filling my timeline with all the teuton area stuff and making me envious about all the museums they have access to and i don't
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW, I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY
I WANT TO TALK
we're friends for as long as this hyperfixation lasts
i miss them :(
can't believe it just ENDED with mago :| what a way to go but still goddamn
apparently i was really well-behaved as a baby and young child. how could it go so wrong?
even i look like an angel when asleep
i love talking! i think i've gotten better as a conversationalist but i could have easily gotten worse
TALK TO MEEEEEEEEE!
one of my worst qualities is when i get to the peak of frustration and misery @ not being able to make stuff it can get to the point where i'm unable to enjoy other people's stuff if they're close by or are about the same topics. i can only consume poorly-executed stuff which i'll hate bc that will charge me with some sort of "righteous anger" to do better, "surely even i can do better than that." like, hate-consuming content just to trick myself out of a slump and not being able to engage with good stuff at all until i'm done with what i wanted to make and thus am capable of saying nice things about the good stuff again.
it's fine when they do it, only i hold myself to not
enjoy your techno-delusions, but don't expect tax money to fund you LARPing them
everything hurts
fuck this migraine too
i wish i could rip the words out of my skull
i just want to make something good
AGONY
saving:
you pile up associations the way you pile up bricks. memory itself is a form of architecture.
names are weird. i have a preferred online name and i like when people call me that online but i would never want anyone irl to call me that and vice versa for my preferred rl name
ok done
i hate imdb's website redesign so much it's unusable on mobile and snail slow on pc but if i turn off javascript i can't even VIEW my watchlist. if imdb alternatives have an 'import your ratings and watchlist' feature like myanimelist and its alternatives have, I'M OUT
delicate
i can only do it when it is actively holding me back from continuing
i mean sometimes i can do it but never when i actually need to
even more, i wish i could read back on what i write
damn i wish i could write
no that is a lie i definitely want to talk about writing
i don't want to act overly familiar or like give you walls of text about my writing though
i'm not sure what is safe territory yet but i like talking to you
"content warning: ...something" KAKSNFJEJABDHDJWNSBDVXHD
if you told the me from 5 years ago that i would hopelessly love and adore a country that does not even exist anymore and just want to know everything about it i wouldn't believe you
it's a beautiful morning and i need to take a nap
ill-advised personifications of things that "shouldn't" be personified. it's fun though. by fun i mean a trainwreck but at least it's funny
lol
one of the many reasons why whatever suffering comes my way i most likely deserve <3
i should not have the job that i have, someone this fucking illiterate and stupid doesn't deserve it
add to this my general illiteracy and yeah
i am such a fucking child, i can't read fiction in first person, it's downright abnormal
i need to play lotus land story again
i can go on as long as i have my digital little happy place <3 (not here)
update: suffering's fine actually
even if it ends up being more expensive i think i've suffered enough (fingers cross i don't change my mind in a week and think "suffering's fine actually")
fun fact, the toilet actually used to be so much worse during the first year after i moved in bc apparently the previous tenant was fucking flushing tissues and diapers and FOOD down there (according to landlady's son) but it clogged less bc i was regularly cleaning the bathroom
i can almost taste it. no more floods. no more random brownouts/blackouts. no more having to carry pails several blocks over when water cuts out and i have to use my neighbor's deep well. no more frequently unusable toilet
honestly, a bigger place with a roommate could be good. living alone sucks
after over three years in this absolute shithole i've run out of excuses to stay here
i might be moving out soon :)
i wish i could get angry
they're often watery and stinging bc of light but i still can't cry
my eyes hurt. i wanna cry
i don't come when called
why is three adult weeb men fighting passionately about food so fucking hilarious
"men don't cry" god i wish i could though sometimes
the one benefit to not being able to cry or get angry is that my voice gets the most high pitched during those times so it's probably for the best because if i heard myself with a voice that high it would kill me
stchuff!!
see, the thing that gets me about my dreams is the mirrors are always perfectly detailed and accurate
gonna wait for the sun, maybe i just need to have another houseplant moment
gross gross disgusting freak (x25)
"interpretation" saved it
i go back to my little corner. i almost slipped up
the store across the street from my apartment sells gin but that's my dad's liquor and i never liked it
the funny thing is, ordering liquor online was never even an option bc every time i'd get tempted and search up my preferred brand of cheap vodka on lazada i would feel so fucking guilty and close the app out of guilt and misery
god, remember when i was a raging alcoholic back in 2018 and earlier but especially 2018? that was a fucked up year but still, and now i haven't had a drop since quarantine started bc the 7eleven where i used to buy all my liquor shut down and i've just been too much of a shut-in to go out and get it elsewhere. it's like, having to go through the effort made me realize that a bad thing wasn't worth that effort and it just got easier to stay clean
let me tell you, i can be a VERY outdoorsy person as long as you always drag me along and never ask me where i want to go or what i want to do
honestly i feel like the canon design suits them more, both personality- and history-wise
all the fucking broken hearts with the new character reveals, i feel sorry for them but at the same time it's fucking hilarious
OCCASIONAL, PRINCIPLED CHUCKLING, GRADUALLY GETTING LOUDER
thoughts and prayers <3
i need to shut the fuck up sometimes
(turns nose up) (voice goes up an octave) AS A TOUHOU FAN-
i don't understand allo people after all
i'm gonna be the nicest fucking guy. no more "ironic" meanness to be edgy, this time i'll do it right. i owe it to --ng--- and S and R
making friends is the best thing in the world. shonen anime is so, so, so correct about this
i understand
maybe if i shovel enough sugar into my mouth the itchiness will go away :)
my palette never really graduated from when i was 8 years old. in fact i think it got worse
sugary cereal is definitely junk food but dear god i have a horrible frosted flakes addiction and it's so expensive here so i am just here going broke to feed myself crispy corn and sugar 😭😭😭
saying i'm a fan of the manga specifically just makes people think i'm pretentious but honestly it's more like i just saw the manga first so it's the Definitive version of the story for me and everything else that comes out after will inevitably be compared. and i could never have the same perspective as anyone who watched before they read
i'm a really unfun person to talk about jojo with. when i nitpick anime vs manga pacing and art style adaptation and colors and manga-only details and other little differences and the evolution of how dp figured out how to adapt parts with the stumbles in between i say all that WITH LOVE. WITH LOVE!!! it just doesn't come across that way
re: the discourse: i enjoyed it in an irreconcilably different way than you did, and i'm not interested in hearing how you enjoyed it. just leave me alone
i'm nothing like you
i'm not your fucking daughter. you don't have a daughter. you never had a fucking daughter. the fact that you can't see that is the problem
now after not so much as a peep for 2 years she's acting like everything's okay between us
i wish i didn't love her. not even because she birthed me and raised me and all her talk about how i should be grateful. no. i love her despite all that, despite everything that she did and i don't think i could truly hate her as much as i do if i didn't also love her. if i didn't think there was the slightest chance she could do better
scammed by an online "boyfriend" and now she wants MY help? after everything?
another day another reason to be thankful i'm not allo
there's more!!!
and shaft and wit i guess. with the others it could go either way
when it comes to 3d and anime, at the moment i put most of my faith in ufotable
anyway, arcane was beautifully animated. throughout its 9 episodes of 35+ minutes each, there was only one (1) single scene that lasted maybe a minute or less in which i noticed particularly cgi-y movement and it's easily forgiven bc the rest of the experience was gorgeously stylized visuals and movement
it isn't disney, or pixar, or any of the others, but apparently riot who makes me think "ah yes, THIS is what 3d animation is capable of!" sony too, with spider-verse. anime has yet to catch up, and since ghibli's venture into this was meh, the best fully cgi anime in recent memory is STILL land of the lustrous which means there's still a ways to go
POM is not the solution to everything!!!!
i'm a 26 year old man, i'm NOT gonna turn into a league of legends player now
i would've loved to become moe.thoughts.page
just realized i can't even change my username/url because all my linkbacks to previous thoughts would break since past thoughts can't be edited, only deleted :<
magnetic to the corruptible. repulsive to everyone else
dio, who is by the way canonically a lawyer, would fit right in the ace attorney universe
yes, i would prefer to be invisible, for the general public to have no idea what i am, than to be the subject of a national debate
ah puh!
i can't get the same font though (｡◕︿◕｡)
in that case:
i'll need to back up my current theme of course in case i wanna change it back
trying to decide whether or not i should recolor this thoughts page to resemble my tumblr (◕ᴗ◕ )
maybe you just prefer what you heard first
maybe there's something the imitation did that the original didn't. even by pure circumstance, the imitator may have had a personal sensibility the creator didn't because they were from a different time, but a listener in the present would have because they were from the same time
i would never recommend corporal punishment to any parent, in fact i abhor the practice when used on other people, but i have to admit it REALLY worked on me. i used to be a good child when they used the belt
now i REALLY wanna write something based on no vacancy
guuuuh i'm still fucking reeling over the revelation that g-s--- of all people likes --r--- 😭💕
to prepare for the stone ocean anime, i will of course have to reread the manga so i can spot the differences more finely 🥰
it feels like i never truly feel full or clean and i can only ever stave off hunger and filth for a little bit until i have to do it all over again. it feels like i can only continue staving them off till the day i die
i used to go to truly great lengths to prevent my mother picking fights with people. now i wonder why i ever bothered
2019 was also a crazy year but it gets completely disqualified due to how 2020 turned out
now that i think about it almost all the even number years were crazy. 2016, 2018, 2008, 2014, 2012, 2020
2016 was the other year
2018 was THE YEAR
most days i have to find the motivation to feed myself. not exactly good revolutionary material
enjoy your delusions. i will certainly try to enjoy mine
worldview update: everything else is just a distraction to forget about this
worldview update: this is a bad thing
worldview update: i am so far to the opposite end of agitation that i am invisible
worldview update: i've gotten a little taste of what it's like not to be destitute so now i keep my head down b/c i'm afraid of losing what little i have
HGGRHRHEDHSBSJNDBDBRDB
FROTHING AT THE MOUTH
YEAH. YEAH YEAH YEAH
agreed, darling in the franxx is what happens if you kidnap a bunch of a-1 people and tell them to recreate a gainax show from memory
my biggest weakness is i can't fucking spot checkmate
>:(
renewed dysphoria and misery after several months of amenorrhea, AS GOD INTENDED!
saving:
ghosts, you say? is this world so wonderful that the dead would cling to it?
bad contrast is tolerable if i can highlight the text and they haven't messed with the colors there but the tiny text that breaks the whole layout if i zoom in? now that's just too much
still, i respect her effort. there's an appeal to the kind of aesthetic she's going for. it just happens to be horribly inaccessible :'(
it's certainly- well, i wouldn't say well designed. it's certainly... designed. it's certainly designed.
(says me, only a year older)
25? wow he's so young 😟
names are so incredibly powerful
how can a picture mean so much to me? 😭😭😭😭😭😭
I'M SENDING ALL MY LOVE!!!
ARTIST FRIEND HAS BLESSED ME
you know what? i need to change my title to-
anger=/=evil
TEMPORARY DELUSION
i apologize to the eyes one. i was so mean to that one but that made much more sense than this. the ending of that was also not good but it kinda made sense. it was building up to it and it was following the source material, after all. temporary delusion as the ultimate explanation there made sense. whatever happened with the well one did not
IT WENT BEYOND MY USUAL FAILURE TO UNDERSTAND ALLO PEOPLE. IT JUST STRAIGHT UP MADE NO SENSE. I THINK EVEN ALLO PEOPLE WOULD AGREE THAT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. OR, MORE ACCURATELY, DID HAVE A TINY BASIS THAT WAS GREATLY EXAGGERATED WITH A FEW STEPS SKIPPED IN BETWEEN. IT HAS DEFINITELY GOT ME BOTHERED
OH GOD I FINALLY FINISHED THE WELL ONE AND THAT WAS FUCKED UP. THE EMOTIONS MADE NO GODDAMN SENSE TO ME. THE ENDING MADE NO GODDAMN SENSE TO ME. WHAT WAS THAT. BUT I'M GLAD TO BE DONE WITH IT. I AM NEVER READING IT AGAIN. EXCEPT MAYBE THE GOOD PARTS. AGH
as a man
in hell, i can only hope i will correctly appear-
could i be happy?
could i be unrepentant could i be guiltless the reason as always is fear that is why i have not gone to the mountains that is why i am a traitor from the ricefields to the sewers
how beautiful. i look at the pictures and i want to embrace history and heritage not my own. i want to leave, run away, and forget. to secure that for myself and never think about what i left behind. but it'd be kinda traitorous, wouldn't it? like burying my head in the sand, or plugging my ears, or averting my eyes. it's childish. selfish. but maybe if i'd been punished more in the key moments when it mattered, these kinds of thoughts would not occur. maybe then i would've happily left it all behind, maybe i would take off and i wouldn't look back. maybe i would even be happy there
oh code geass, a show with some rotten politics but i love it anyway
the kailh box whites are on sale too 😭😭😭
oh god the rk68 is so much cheaper than usual right now. must stop myself
trying to figure out-
the _ preposition _ remains the superior title format
shall i pick cowboy bebop for my yearly holiday classic anime rewatch? to forget about the existence of the live action? :-)
I WISH I COULD ASK WHAT S THINKS ABOUT THAT GODDAMN SPECIAL. I NEED HER PROFESSIONAL OPINION. BUT WHEREVER SHE IS I HOPE SHE'S DOING OKAY 😭
on all levels except physical i am a giant dragonfly
FEAR: [CENSORED]
the reason, as always, is fear
MESSAGE ME
( ;; •___• )
maybe i should
i can't write without you :<
message me!!!!!
xenophobia and political larping usually go hand in hand
i don't want to go back to the office i don't want to go back to the office i don't want to go back to the office i don't
performative ritual condemnation 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
i fucking hate the term broken family so much
the brain worm anti is fucking terrifying sometimes. an artist just got hit by the exact things my brain worm expected and worried about looking at their work. i can only hope it doesn't stifle their spirit. i would hate for them to end up like me
don't let the world weigh you down
i don't deserve them but feel SO BLESSED TO KNOW THEM
two wonderful artists are really out there drawing my favorite right now... i'm smiling so wide it hurts and my heart feels like it's expanded three whole sizes :')
gone are the days when i had to keep track of how long my mom was able to sleep and adjust my behavior accordingly bc there are different, contradictory set-offs depending on how many hours she slept
now that i think about it, so far, 13 year old me is still spot on about my orientation 13 years later, which is pretty funny
re: almost four
i've been a denizen of the good hellsite for a long time
hurts my head to type but you know what i will keep doing it!
my laptop from 2011 can't handle any games that require more than a potato to run but that's okay bc my eyes can't either <3 symbiosis <3
my fucking migraine makes me want to commit great video game violence but i know looking at moving 3d graphics will just make everything worse bc i already can't handle those on a good day
common romance story pitfall: gives plenty of reasons for why A likes B but zero reasons for the reverse. i'm left thinking "how the hell does B not just think they're annoying/forgettable" especially if author goes through the trouble of making A really average. this can easily be solved by giving A a skill B admires them for, but they have no idea for any one of these reasons: a) perfectionist, b) passions lie elsewhere, c) insecurity. all three options give A something to work towards, too.
starting to get really good at snap-selecting the right stimuli to feed myself to manipulate my mood in the direction i want so i can do a thing. improvise, adapt, overcome 😎
the idea of "most people are _" as a basis from which to diverge is really comforting
i want to have a red summer. even though i'm still not entirely sure what that means
where was that brian eno(?) quote about first imitating the limitations of the old platform on the new one
"but is YOUR bridge turing complete?" SJDOFNSJSBDHSVVSWV
i want to get angry. i think i would feel much better afterwards
just realized my current apartment is the longest i've ever lived in one place (3 years)
getting the brainworm anti to shut up is a work in progress which will no doubt take a long time but i believe it's possible
youtube keeps feeding me chess and poly bridge and i KEEP LAPPING IT UP
context: i am making progress on reversing this
thank u japanese twitter :')
i think... i'm being healed right now
at every step i'm betrayed by my preferences, my favorites, my tendencies
sorry boss i cannot unmute myself :)
neighbors fighting :/
poly bridge is a fun and wonderful game which i enjoy greatly but would never play
(reader brain) you need to say no to some stories
re: except epithets**. never doing that like in those again. nope nope nope
that's right! even I can be optimistic!!
new mantra: if it worked for elegy/pf in the past, i CAN make it work again. the cards one has no chance against me <3
a good few hundred words
it never ends well. a good few hundred words, maybe a thousand if we're feeling generous, but it still inevitably falls apart
stop apologizing for the thoughts in your head
unhappy birthday to one bad bitch
i have no excuses for how slowly i read kana :(
unselfconsciously is an adverb i strive towards
i remember i used to be able to cry easily when i was a kid but i would get sleepy right after every time without fail
selfish brain
friend said it was scary to see me stop typing in lapslock. lol
need to follow you so i don't lose your art again but i don't actually want you on my feed
you think you're special but there is no one i disgust more than me
ENVY @ PPL WHO CAN GO TO MUSEUMS AND EXHIBITS ABOUT MY FAVORITE COUNTRY THAT DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE
just don't hurt, is what i mean
digital papercuts
i also think the utility monster thing is bullshit. if it existed, why should we believe it when it says it gets more utility than everyone else? utility and happiness are not quantifiable things, the best we can do is weigh relatively and put necessity/survival over petty pleasure when there is a choice between them. i'd be wary of anyone who'd say "but i can get more use out of these resources than all these other people/i deserve it more" because that's already what the rich tell us 😐
"i'd feel terrible/dishonorable" yeah well i'd bet the 5 people would feel pretty good about getting to live another day
never understood some positions on the trolley problem. why do people act like feeling good about themselves is worth weighing against the survival of multiple lives?
no matter where i move no matter where i go it hurts
the inside of my head itches so much
itchy
when will it stop
😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐
the cages, the wet cement, really killing it now 😐
secondhand embarrassment, but only ever for the wrong things
I NEVER FORGET. EXCEPT WHEN I DO
for some reason i suddenly remembered how i used to bow to people all the time. mostly in apology. i'm not from a place where that's the norm, and i don't quite know how or where i picked it up, but yeah, that was a thing. weird
should really stop overcharging but i don't know when i'll next lose power ok? they don't always announce it. and really how can they when it's often birds or some shit messing with the unholy tangled mess that is the electric configuration in this godforsaken neighborhood
talking about myself to people who will say those things in response just feels worse
first-worlder just told me it isn't normal not to feel safe or comfortable in one's own bed and the fact that mine causes me immense back pain should "be addressed." no shit. think you're smart for figuring that one out?
i will NOT die with a fully wrong body. fuck you. you're not burying me like this
just wanna get all of it removed why does it have to COST
the fucking ovarian cysts at 12 years old which can supposedly come back and turn into full on full-on ovarian cancer were not the least bit funny either 😐😐😐
dear god just let me chop these pieces of shit off
can't fucking believe there is a real possibility breast cancer is gonna nick me before i can even transition 😐
current funniest sentence: there is only one move that loses and YOU FOUND IT
stealing this:
if you feel like everyone hates you, it’s time to rest… if you feel like you hate everyone else, it’s time to eat
personally i am ALL FOR the usage of "-pilled" as "realized the appeal of"
the memory of a melody is even sweeter
dream-muse my beloved, you really deserve to be treated better <3
i only fall in love with ideas
blind-to-everything-else type military fiction is so easy to watch. there's nothing emotionally complicated about it, it's all aesthetics
few match it when it comes to sheer level of clusterfuck-ness
once again reading about my favorite country that doesn't exist anymore. i am okay
ok mood plummet gone but now i can't write GRRRRRR
i've never written anything good while i was happy
i've fragmented so much from the impossible ideal of "one person to know all of me" that no person can ever know anything other than a highly fictionalized sliver only viewable through that aforementioned initial point of connection.
the good hellsite has recently told me this compartmentalization is good, that i shouldn't expect one person to know and handle all of me. it sounds reasonable and i agree with it in a wide sense; after all, that's exactly how i live my life. i've never been caught in the folly of allo people trying to find one partner to know all of them. but i still can't shake the feeling that maybe i've veered too far off into the other direction and something is wrong.
i wish i could be like those aro people who just have complete obliviousness to that which they are not capable of feeling. they navigate their lives as complete people and find fulfillment in their platonic and familial relationships. unlike them, i've always felt like i was missing something. maybe it's because i've never had a best friend either, and no real close friends in general. all my relationships are extremely compartmentalized and transient, just like the spaces i occupy. there is no person i could go to if i was simply having a bad day, for example, but a dozen or more people if i chose to filter those feelings and express them through my point of connection with each person. i don't get to mourn the loss of a friendship or space either, because each space and each friendship operates as if none of the others exist.
mood plummet :(
envying mediocrity because it's better than a blank page
the dream-muse doesn't deserve my red pen she deserves only my love
i stop making justifications. i stop editing to make it more plausible. i accept the dream-muse's story, unconditionally, with open arms
i stay in my little corner. i know i disgust you.
no idea how un/balanced a game would be with them either
why are they called that? idk man it was a dream
had a dream about a chess variant with two additional pieces, the vampire and the slime. the vampire is disguised as one of the 8 pawns and at the beginning of the game each player picks but doesn't reveal to the other where it is among their pawns. whichever piece captures the vampire gets turned into the opposite color. the slime, meanwhile, starts out moving one space in any diagonal direction, but upon capturing a piece, inherits its moveset. if it manages to capture multiple pieces, it inherits only the moveset of whichever piece it last captured. the slime may be placed anywhere among the 2nd and 7th ranks at the beginning of the game.
what a fucking downer series of posts lol. anyway
you love calling yourself an ally but you can never be one if you continue to lead these kinds of conversations. the only allyship you can ever achieve is handing over the reins
it isn't like you ever listen to people like me anyway
i'm above the fucking poverty line. it took me years but i fucking made it, okay? sure, i can't spend money on anything that isn't food/rent/water/electricity/internet, but electricity and internet themselves are luxuries. sure, i went from the ricefields to the sewers, but i'm still better off here. if i caught covid (highly unlikely if you've read the top of this page), i would just accept my death because i have no debt whatsoever and i would like to keep it that way. zero fucking debt - my parents couldn't even dream of that. my neighbors can't even dream of that. every time it floods here i just take it in stride because unlike my neighbors i don't have many possessions or appliances to lose and replace in the first place. i don't need your first-worlder condescension, or your platitudes. if you think i'm poor, you haven't seen poor. i'm not going to listen to you. i just speak here so i don't have to be rude to you.
god i wish i could read
the darkness slips away too easily
should've written 8h ago
open it later when it's finished. that's what you should've been doing all along anyway
close the door
writing that is nectar for YOUR soul
it's not for them. not for them. not for them
let them have questions
make it as confusing as you want
don't even tag the switching povs
just don't explain anything
the spaces in between
consumed by the sudden urge to write for the suite again. part 3 1/2 is tricky even though i've outlined it twice already. it's a piece that has several directions it can veer off too and i'm still not entirely sure how to approach it. one thing i'm sure of though is that it doesn't end well
words that never fail to make me giggle: enjoyer, haver, liker
@ all the guys who left smitten comments on that one bwl short ver fc: i completely agree, i love you and i hope you're doing well
the funny thing is i forgot it was even happening so the reminder was a pleasant surprise
SO MUCH ART FOR GLITZ DAY #2! MY HEART IS FULL 🥺
i am failing to change this page's line height :<
sumin (& slom)'s miniseries is also unbelievably good
FINALLY SAT DOWN AND READ SOMETHING. AND I LIKED IT TOO. TAKE THAT ADD
they're so hard to write but if i read about them i just end up unable to focus bc i get overtaken with an even stronger desire to write them. life ruining /s
my soul grows weary not being able to talk about them, so i'll just refer to them with glitz. that's reasonably vague
sumin's in dreams >>>>
FDF 2's eldritch yukari with her lovecraftian spellcards remains superior! goddamn if that is not the most unbelievably gorgeous shmup i've EVER played
it was a rough read since the author isn't a native speaker but goddamn it i still think about no vacancy occasionally. the emotions are so potent. when i try to do that type of story elsewhere, i'm less inspired by the actual movie it is based on and more inspired by NV itself. i just love it a lot :(
the only effective line the generic self-loathing voice has ever come up with is "what if she's right"
a dark, twisted part of me sometimes misses my mom at her most forceful
my emotions are never misunderstood over text
i hate talking i hate talking I HATE TALKING. never make me speak, especially over the phone
the price of tea doubled seemingly overnight. it was a few years ago but my brain will never move on from what i feel is the correct price of tea
the part of my brain that can process values has no understanding of inflation whatsoever. everything should only be as expensive as i feel it should be
i don't like owning lots of objects it makes me nervous :<
cont: korean's hard for me too. a friend (who is a native russian speaker) was hearing me struggle with korean names and said it was the transliteration that confused me. she said it was easier for her because the names sound closer to themselves when written in cyrillic, which was how she learned how to say them before she learned hangul. since i couldn't learn hangul in 5 minutes during a voice call, she did the next best thing and wrote out all the names i was having trouble with in katakana. helped instantly.
implausible but i wanna speak every language i think is beautiful, even just a little
reading spanish out loud is doable, being a native filipino speaker is a cheat for it. and i had NO problems with japanese pronounciation early on, even the 'r'!!!! but most german words in existence seem to be inaccessible for my mouth
god i wish i could speak german without getting tongue tied 😔
binging THEIR old group covers both because i'm more cultured now and actually know most of the songs + because i can better appreciate the original rap parts sugamon wrote for each. sigh... they just don't do this stuff anymore 😔
dionysus lives my beloved
lately it's never pieces i undoubtedly love and gush over that make the most impact on me but the shit for which i have feelings so mixed i almost get dizzy just thinking about them. like the eyes one :')
cont: i still follow you though because your art clears my skin, i just need to resist temptation and scroll as quickly as possible whenever you make a text post bc i know it's never anything good. for some unfathomable reason you follow me too and i don't like that
the complete opposite being: your work disgusts me but i would love to be friends with you and support you in your craft for the rest of my life
the holy trinity
i love your music but i would die happy as long as i never meet you ever
i love your writing but i would never have even a 30 second conversation with you
i love your art i just hate reading absolutely anything you type
horribly lonely
liking something "bad" or "poor taste" will never be nearly as embarrassing as letting yourself be bullied out of liking it
some commenters like this but as a reader i kinda don't
also i keep reading back my past stuff and i'm allergic to narrating it seems. this is a problem. all my longer form stuff is basically written as scene after scene after scene like a movie in text form and nothing is ever explained, just talked about or done
the hardest most annoying thing about plotting/writing long things is controlling the flow of information and keeping track of who knows what bc all my notes and worldbuilding are written in 3rd person omniscient and also i have to figure out when best to write in what so there is only ever the minimum necessary amount of info revealed and i want to tear my hair out
to understand what kind of sucky chess player i am, all you need to know is that i once threw away an easy win and made it into a stalemate because i found it so much funnier to promote 4 pawns to queen and parade them around than to mate a lone king.
optimizing darkness
sometimes my brain does a funny and while i'm scrolling through a feed made 100% of art and artists i love it will start a running narratiom detailing exactly how every single artist would have been harassed by the people who used to harass me
i'm always more tired than i realize
TOMORROW.
I WANT TO DRAW
really gonna be no album this year huh?
goddamn seasons greetings, thought they were gonna have a comeback
i beat the hiki today :) i am OUT!
if i didn't leave today, right now, who knows when i would next feel this way again?
deprivation, again
HALLOWED BE THY WEEN
colorism's a bitch, and a very sneaky, insidious one at that
want to talk to my friend but am in the middle of a mood plummet
it knows about poison and traps. and i can't afford an exterminator. but it doesn't even matter because i keep my place as clean as it can possibly get but they all come from my neighbors anyway. like my next door neighbor sweeps out all cockroaches meaning they inevitably end up with me. it's maddening
the fucking rat keeps taking my spoons
NEW YERIN? COVER ALBUM?? 👀
can't stop watching this one guy's polybridge 2 videos
IT'S DONE. IT'S POSTED. I FEEL EUPHORIC
i've never pronounced the letter 'w' in my head as 'doubleyou' - that is 3 mental syllables and that is too much. whenever i mentally read an acronym that has a 'w' in it i pronounce it as either 'wa' 'wi' or 'wu' depending on the surrounding letters.
both love and hate how people talking about twitter sometimes abbreviate it to tw which is the same as tw as in trigger warning. it's fitting but inconvenient for filtering
since this is someone's gift i want to have it posted as soon as possible
i got some really good feedback on it too! now to fight the add again and do some effective editing
i think i need to replace my detergent, it smells like candy to me now???
I FINISHED IT!!! FUCK YOU WET CEMENT
WET CEMENT
it's like that wading through wet cement comparison but in my case i've been wading through it for most of my life, briefly got meds and found out what it was like to walk without the wet cement, then ran out and went back to the wet cement but it's so much more agonizing bc now i KNOW what it's like without the goddamn fucking wet cement
if i don't get these goddamn fucking words out i am getting some goddamn fucking medication again. i can't live like this anymore
then i could put snow xda caps on them!!!
it'll take some work but i bet i could make box whites sound great on an acrylic sandwich like the mw65
CURB YOUR MARBLEY SPACEBARS
once i grow a beard. then you'll see
the dune sandworms are a lot like those giant lampreys i used to have dreams about
as far as low profile switches go, choc navies are... acceptable
tangies are SUPER marbley on the mw65 with the popular mods. what are people doing. do they really like that?
pathologist: why are you in such a hurry?
nvm
SOCIO FUCKING ---- UPDATED? IT UPDATED??? AFTER 6 FUCKING YEARS!!!! HOLY SHIT I WILL NEED TO DISAPPEAR AS I CONSUME THIS
currently fighting my add in single combat. i am losing
will they ever be able to top box jades?
while i'm here, fuck brass plates too. i've changed my mind
lol people really expect their precious "thock" from a fucking acrylic sandwich? gasket mount or not, be realistic
THE EYES ONE WAS EVEN WORSE. 'TEMPORARY DELUSION' AS I PUT IT
it ended well but still kind of depressed me
well, i finished it. the cross one. i wasn't ready on my first read, but now i finally finished it. i feel... well, i feel.
the mw65 is a comparable listing but i like the sound profile of the tm680 better
well it's either that or some feker holy pandas but the lavenders are cheaper
(looking at rare good tm680 lazada listing) i would treat you so well... i would tune akko cs lavenders to put inside you and they won't sound marbley at all... i'd even get some good stabs....
my god, maybe i'm an actual person?
eating dalanghitas while sitting in the afternoon sun, i feel REALLY REALLY HUMAN :D
drank water while sitting in the morning sun again and i feel better! wilted houseplant moment
JUST WANNA TRAVEL BRIEFLY, TO 5 YEARS AGO, SPEND A BIT OF TIME WITH COMPATRIOTS BACK WHEN MY VERY VERY SPECIFIC INTEREST HAD A MICRO-COMMUNITY AROUND IT. JUST FOR LIKE A MONTH OR SOMETHING.
i hate mood swings. let me cry at least
leave me the fuck alone
no. just leave me alone. leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone
people often say it's hard to express the full intensity of their emotions through text but i've always felt the opposite. caps lock can make me seem quite angry, something i can't manage in real life. an emoji can make me seem like i'm crying, when i can't do that either
or get angry, i want to get angry too
please let me cry
wanna cry. can i cry?
i realize it's childish, averting my eyes
unrepentant... could i be unrepentant? could i be guiltless?
i hate living alone
it hurts
"they're not progressive groups; they're regressive because they're terrorists" nice FUCKING going 🙂
eating half a papaya. feel better
being alone for so long weathers the soul, it really does
is it gonna be my desire to write again that ultimately makes me visit my psychiatrist after almost 2 years of silence?
I JUST WISH THE WORDS WOULD FLOW AGAIN!!!!!
Y'KNOW WHAT I LOVED ABOUT THE MEDS OTHER THAN HOW THEY STABILIZED MY MOOD? THEY GOT RID OF LIKE A SOLID 70% OF MY INHIBITIONS. I FELT NORMAL. THE WORDS FLOWED
me, struggling with 2000 words now: how the FUCK did i once manage to write 50k+ in half a year
glad to have the bilingual puns back in my music again <3
i missed this show so much. need to reread the entire manga too :D
y'all know what this means. it's also the return of gay, tax fraud-committing, internet sex symbol reigen arataka. about time
NEW MOB PSYCHO. TUESDAY SAVED
vanner's form reminds me of block b in the best way. god i miss block b :( that was the top tier idol music, pop-ifying hiphop tastefully!
re: 2018 was a different era 😔
today i learned that gigachad isn't real :'(
(reading my past writing) this flowed so well and had varied word choice and sentence construction! and it's over 5000 words long!! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?
sometimes the gods really are highly responsive to prayers. need to play that game again
i can only hope that in hell i will correctly appear as a man
had to look that up just now
for as long as i've been into -e----- i still can't spell liechtenstein
need angrier hiphop, open to recs
have to reorganize my hundreds of browser bookmarks every so often because the way i last organized it doesn't make sense to me anymore
putting on the angriest hiphop i have to act out the aggression i can't express
how many seconds until this """historical""" documentary about a completely fake myth mentions 'nazi germany' speedrun any%
still, 5 years later and no title- still FUCKS
blew it again
YOU EVEN HAVE THEME MUSIC. WHAT MORE
it's 2000 fucking words, seriously, goddamn
resist the urge to disappear again. just finish the piece
it's been 8 years. technically i can start over already
SET YOURSELF FREEEE
pathologist: anger =/= evil
what are you so afraid of?
on all levels except physical i am the summer magic album cover
i tell people i'd rather they not mention astrology around me and instead i get three guesses for what sign i am :) :) :)
it went away eventually then i listened to twice and now i feel better 🥰
living alone sucks
i have multiple sources of chest and back pain how am i supposed to know what this is 😭
was having some doubts so i looked up whether anemic people can even get heart attacks and apparently we're way more likely to get one? either way though i don't think this is one
either way i'm shaking ://
intense mood plummet*
is this a panic attack or just a particularly intensw mood plumnet? i can't tell
to clarify: my taste is MUCH lamer
you ever just listen to a song and KNOW there are gonna be at least a dozen 15k m rated oneshots titled with a lyric from it? that is the opposite of my music taste
if my ridiculous anon handle makes u laugh i treat that as a success <3
I GOT HALF OF IT OUT
JUST. GET. THE. GODDAMN. WORDS. OUT
i'm too wordy :<
artists are really just out there drawing. i love them so much
i'm so happy that there are so many talented artists in this world because for every niche or a niche of a niche there's always at least one source of mindblowing art to be enjoyed by people who are into that, and hopefully shower the artist with love and appreciation
i'm somehow always bleeding from somewhere (mostly cuticles or back). should be red.thoughts.page :p
JUST GET THE WORDS OUT
true
pathologist: except you're not rich, not even close, because if you were the first thing you'd get is the hormones :)
yeah this is what happens after being 2 years off the meds that were the only thing making my mood consistent but i can't afford them and i'm terrified of making regular trips to my psychiatrist anyway so 🤷♂️
FEAR: my apartment floods every time it rains, and i've learned how to carry my fridge without my back hurting extra for a week (and instead just hurting extra for 3 days), but i still obediently pay rent every month because prices have plummeted, with what i would have been paying having been paid for in blood by every drug user/dealer/innocent bystander shot during tokhang down the street or the next street over or right next door. and i STILL for a FACT live in relative luxury because i'm not my neighbors who have three kids and i am ABOVE the fucking poverty line. that still means success right? i crawled out of the hole i was born in and i am ABOVE the FUCKING line now. i even have internet at home, i might as well be rich. i have running water at home (except when it rains) for fuck's sake!!! that's an improvement. but these can all be taken away, i could always go back to how it was before. and so i have not gone into the mountains. and so i am a traitor.
i don't have a passport (because the biggest journey i've ever made was go from hometown rice fields to city sewers). i don't have a driver's license (despite trying and failing multiple times to get one so i probably never will). i don't have a firearm license (they say it's because of "a history of depression and anxiety" but i know it's also partly because of having joined leftists orgs when i was in college). i'm not qualified for my job (because i couldn't put myself through college anyway, you were right mom, and the only reason they haven't fired me for this long is because i've never acted out). internet is the most luxurious thing i pay for (other than electricity). and the only reason i haven't gone into the mountains after reading a hundred PDFs is my anemia and back problems- no, that's a lie. the real reason, as always, is fear.
every day i wake up worse at tagalog than i was the day before
will outline chapter 2 now <3
DO I REGRET READING VLAD AND ROSA? ON MY MOST HOPEFUL DAYS I WOULD TELL YOU NO. ON MY WORST DAYS I WOULD TELL YOU YES
oh, you want to build a labor coalition? you want her to endorse labor leaders and the softest demsocs as opposed to the hardest socdems for her senate picks? you think you have some healthy pickings? you're acting as if she isn't going to hand over economic reins to the liberals as soon as she's elected? you're going to take any minuscule scrap of revolutionary momentum and reset the counter six years again? you're gonna endorse the billionaire-supported version of ubi? you have things to fall back on if you happen to get fired? i envy you. i envy you in silence and i don't speak to you because why would you listen to some terrified genderfucked anemic who can't even leave his apartment most days? why would you listen to me whinge and whine when come election day, i will still vote in whatever way keeps out of power the allies of the man who fucked my neighborhood with tokhang?
splash of cold water to remind the progressives which side our girl is really on when she intends to endorse 1 candidate at most to "represent the marginalized"
me: i just think that now more than ever, it's important to consider-
pathologist: are you reading about ----s again?
me: i am reading about ----s again
there's WPM and there's WPM while relaxed which i think is the more relevant measurement at the end of the day because even if i just got 120 that was with me pounding on the keys and not really an accurate representation of me typing in most other contexts. my relaxed WPM, on the other hand, has raised significantly from about 40-90 in the past few weeks since i started training to speed it up and i'm happy about that :) though the ultimate goal is getting a relaxed WPM of 100.
i just think the whole mindset behind "hold on i need to look something up... yeah this is funny" is a wonderful thing to be normalized
but WHEN will a cis guy jokingly tell ME "welcome to the best gender" huh? huh?
idk why but the increasingly/decreasingly verbose meme never fails to make me laugh like:
big if true
large if confirmed
humongous if authentic
this includes my "childish" lapslock!!
back in 2016-2018 i was so obsessed with having truly grown up, i promise, for real this time, and aggressively burying all interests which did not reflect that mindset. all things "icky" and "cringe." but now in the year of our lord 2021 i have finally recognized that growing up is actually becoming relatively chill about those things and no longer stuffing away parts of myself to feel "cool"!
YES! IN 2021!!
sometimes fun is just a weird jumble of histori--- and my own delusions >:)
re: turns out i'm not!
110 WPM! I'M GETTING IT BACK!!!
war worried to find an old mutual had deactivated, but she's still posting to ao3 and has an active twitter so that's a relief! we never talked but i hope she's doing well <3
never spent money on gacha yet i still have 2 pages of URs and i get to do everything i want in this game. i'm just built different 😎
2 birthdays in a row i haven't had a drop of liquor. TAKE THAT, ALCOHOLISM
UNREAL!!!!! I FEEL ECSTATIC
I DESCRIBED A SCENE AND MY FRIEND DREW 3 IMAGES JUST FROM THAT?? ANDKDNFJFHFB
sometimes i encounter a phrase like "love is the servant of chaos" and think to myself. ah. maybe i CAN understand allo people after all
pathologist: the more important comes first? :p
26/18
demetori's fate of sixty years is still one of their best
i don't even know anything about classical music but i have this one 90 minute playlist i made that i love more than anything in the world
pathologist: indecision was ALWAYS the problem
REFRESH
will i be sick tomorrow?
refresh
pathologist: it's true that they've gracefully tolerated your tangents thus far, but still, sticking with the story's better
pathologist: i doubt you'd have anything to say right now that would be of much interest to them
pathologist: what a convenient word 'yet' is in the way it absolves you
not yet
pathologist: do you really have that much to say?
not that they already exist and are trapped. instead i think, and my experiences and conversations have proven this, they will materialize unbidden when they recognize that they have an open door to leave through
i want to set the words free. so so so much
re: will that be because my mind has cleared, or been muddled again?
re: they followed my main too. huh
the northern caves reminds me of flatland
pathologist: you will change your mind 10 hours from now, dear wilted houseplant
but why's 'real' better?
pathologist: because none of those are real
why live one life, when you can live thousands, a new one every day?
pathologist: that's some fucking neurotic shit, man
cont: and in some ways, those emails were the only record of my existence at that time and proof of the things i spent time doing. i don't like getting pictures taken of me either (surprise surprise it's partly because of dysphoria) so i barely have anything. i skipped as many school picture days as i could get away with, and volunteered to be the picture-taker in every setting and every event to avoid having to be in the picture. i once accidentally slapped a classmate in the face when they tried to take a surprise duo selfie with me. nothing with my government name on it is even online. if ever i get into some kind of accident and forget who i am, i would have nothing to remind me.
cont: and yes, i deleted everything. when i was done my mailbox had zero items. now, onto clearing out all my other email addresses
my brain for some reason can't handle substitutions in a mathematical way. might or might not be related to how i can't visualize things. but anyway, the acronym takes on a slightly different vibe than the full name. stuff like that
a psychology of justifying deprivation
the stuffy and the infantile
name a character other than marisa kirisame who is able to give intense witch and jock energy at the same time
because when media tries to do that intentionally i always feel either misrepresented, patronized, or it's just a fucking downer
i love random pieces of media that unintentionally end up articulating very-difficult-to-put-into-words aspects of the aro experience
i say that with affection. he is one of my favorites
so apparently some people were surprised about squid game sangwoo's progression? i mean, wasn't he an investment banker or something adjacent to that?? with that knowledge + what he did to his mom's shop, i saw it coming from the start
i feel sick
starting tomorrow... is it too late to play pretend?
just purged 8 years worth of emails
me sending my writing and friend sending their art both in the same chat convo and we aren't even responding to each other because i'm just screaming my love for their art while they react enthusiastically to my writing but somehow it still all works 👌
edgy ar (a centric) with a cw flavor
me (bad at chess): I LOVE CHESS!!
being "mutuals" on tumblr can be so damn weird like we both follow each other's side blogs about the same topic but we both follow FROM our mains which have nothing to do with said topic and we wouldn't even know we WERE mutuals in the first place unless we stated our main blogs' names in our side blogs' descriptions somewhere
maybe the reason i still hold out hope of my dad accepting me if i came out to him is because back when i was a kid i distinctly remember attending family reunions dressed in male cousins' hand-me-down clothes and my mom would always be annoyed about, saying she didn't like me being seen like that, how i should dress more femininely, etc. but my dad would reassure me about it and even say "how handsome."
hmm i wonder how could implement simple spoiler text
it's a good thing ---- is still kept busy because the anons are schemingggg
a general concept i've always been drawn to whenever i see it is "the unreasonable has become the mundane" like you know those jokes about how fic authors will update under any circumstances, memes about youtubers cheerfully telling their audience to like and subscribe because in today's video they will be killing god, the whole subgenre/aesthetic/? of "slice of eldritch" (which is slice of life mashed up with horror or otherwise fantastical imagery). i can't pinpoint what i'm feeling when i see content of this, but sure as hell am Feeling.
re: well i watched it. it was definitely one of the shows i've seen this year.
remember that people go on the good hellsite to be serious about stupid media and be stupid about serious media. quit pretending you're the only sensible person in a sea of strange people
to me, a lot of people's hot takes and observations, especially about fandom, sound exactly like this:
the sky is dark today, and for some reason people seem to be convinced it's going to rain *water.* however, it could just as easily rain fire! a lot of them carry umbrellas around, but those will be *completely useless* if it happens to rain fire instead of water like they expect. these freaks are deluding themselves.
my dad + online shopping is truly a chaotic combo
apparently the wheelchair was on sale and that's why he bought it even though he knows it'd take a while for me to visit. classic
i mean he's fully vaccinated too so he'll probably be approved for travel but THE BEACH? in OCTOBER??
it is OCTOBER and my dad just called saying he wants me to take him to the beach but also before that set up this new wheelchair he bought a couple months ago but couldn't do anything with??
pana... my dear... my love... babygirl. i am on my knees, BEGGING you to let me full combo this damn song
i just love the dialogue in touhou games so much. for example, the "how much bread have you eaten in your life?" meme was originally a jojo quote, but the way it was referenced in EOSD just goes the extra step:
MARISA: how many people's blood have you sucked up until now?
REMILIA: do you remember how many slices of bread you've eaten in your life?
MARISA: thirteen. i prefer japanese food.
not to mention marisa's line ripping on vampires slightly before that:
you're one of those, right? can't stand sunlight or smelly vegetables, or silver things. the masters of the night, which for some reason have tons of weaknesses...
little nuggets of gold in between intense sessions of getting blasted to kingdom come, that's why i love this series.
my back hurts so fucking much and for WHAT
i am a casualty of linkrot
why do all my favorite youtubers go live at 3-4am in my timezone...
since we're just quoting random text posts today:
there is no audience to perform for, there is no approval, no admiration to attain. there is no role worth playing, there is no one to convince. let it go
from the tags op had:
progress is made by defying the instinct to beg for forgiveness for being yourself.
nothing short of my phone breaking will stop me from playing LL because my fingers have been injured and i still played it
(phone screen proceeds to break)
well that does it
should i watch squid game, which will take 9 hours and can easily be divided into three 3-hour chunks, to understand the hype... or should i rewatch the entirety of legend of the galactic heroes (120+ episodes 22 min each)?
maybe if i say "i am a well-adjusted adult" enough times it'll come true
the rearrange of septette for the dead princess on xi-on's scarlet is just SUPERIOR ugh
neighbor said she was having trouble getting a "solo parent id" apparently for some local govt benefits. didn't even know that was a thing
so i already know who my dad is voting for :) :) :)
marcos-duterte on that ticket :) god fucking dammit :)
you are tearing me APART pana ☹️
it's like they WANT to lose
NO ONE can stay genuinely grassroots and be carried all the way through nationals. that shit doesn't happen. those are the limits of liberal democracy. if they want their name peddled to the masses they pick a cultural talking point, snip out the spicy stuff from their platform, and be as gently socdem as possible economically... only then will the money flow in. my girl cannot run a campaign solely on hating the current admin as bad as it is, especially while sending a 'fuck you' to the party that carried her to vp in the first place
are they just doing this for attention
meanwhile, another aspirant thinks he has any kind of significant support base outside ncr... he doesn't even have big money behind him, what does he think is gonna happen?
pathologist: bonk! you just did a narcissism
pathologist: bonk! you just did a reactionarism
pathologist: bonk! you just did an insensitivity
pathologist: bonk!
me: ok what is it this time?
pathologist: you just did a stupid
(not here)
TALK TO MEEE i love talking i can talk to you at 100 wpm which i think is finally on par with the speed on my thoughts!!!!!
"but how fast can you do it with PROPER touch typing" <50 T_T
broke 100 wpm. unreasonably happy about this :D
going through the webring like it's the morning (afternoon) paper
romaji is truly a crutch
as you can imagine, the entire mindset surrounding that previous thought is poison for any sort of creativity, especially when you've internalized that harassment into a part of you to the point that you're more afraid of what your own mind tells you than actual harassment. every time i sit down and try to write i have to condition myself again just to feel "allowed" to do my favorite hobby. it's stupid and wild.
(delayed cont)
bizarre experiences related to the above (1/?): since i've been burned so many times before, i'm extremely careful on social media now. as in, diligently reading people's abouts/carrds/whatever for BYFs, DNIs etc. etc. if i so much as like or reshare one (1) single post from them. and the thing is, if an item from their DNI applies to me or the general vibe i get from their self-introductions is anti-ish, i'd just block to save myself from future trouble. it's not about me having trouble with the individual, but about them potentially having trouble with me.
so you can just imagine how awkward it was when i had to explain to someone that i befriended on another platform how i'd unknowingly had them blocked in my platform of choice since a long time ago, and that was why they had a hiccup in trying to reach out to me. how could i say i misinterpreted their about because i was so paranoid about being a target of coordinated harassment again?
answer my dms ;-;
mayhaps i'll buy a nice one for my birthday? might as well right
ideal pizza:
thin well done crust
thick white sauce
four cheeses (mozzarella, cheddar, sprinkled parmesan, little blocks of cream cheese)
garlic (very finely diced, in butter)
spinach
mushrooms
optional bacon
thinking about pizza again
where's that meme of the cow saying i am cringe but i am free when you need it
wanna write
LOVE saying that
i have a constitutionally guaranteed right to be cringe
the one thing you'll never see me unironically use on here is "[redacted]"
Wholesome Content™©®
I'M SO EASILY INFLUENCED... ONE PERSON WITH A SATISFYING ART STYLE IS ALL IT TAKES
REMEMBER WHEN ----i-- GOT ME TO LIKE --r---
WHYYY IS MY HEAD FULL OF --r---!!!!!
yukika's music sounds like a light rain shower on a sunny day, especially her new song
----a's lead singles after the first one have been a mess
re: but i kinda like their other lead single, ngl
finally getting my goddamn philsys too, no more shitty id trouble. the only flaws that will be on this card are my birth name and that little 'F' :')
I'M FULLY VACCINATED
will hammer this out real quick and then i'm getting my goddamn vaccine
ok ok even if it's back they're still emailing everyone so that's a relief
PEOPLE ARE TELLING ME IT'S ALL BACK BUT I STILL HAVE NO ACCESS?
today my boss will email me. instead of relying on messenger which i have no idea why they chose in the first place
well i mean they could still have their cloud overdependence but at least separate it from the stuff they know can be outside targets?
reading up... oh god this is why i hate cloud overdependence. they can't open fucking doors
well. in light of the outages, i guess i won't have work today
now i only have to worry about looking the part so people in real life assume what i want them to assume, which is way harder :')
also, being able to straight up say what i am has freed me from that whole silly dance about "giving off the right vibes so people assume what i want them to assume."
ironically, i used the label 'non-binary' for YEARS to avoid thinking about gender. "what's my gender? don't worry about it. (i don't wan to think about it.) how should you refer to me? however you want. (but DEAR GOD i had better given off enough of the right vibes for you to assume i'm a guy.)" when asked, i always made sure to tell people "any pronouns are fine!" my logic for this was: my native language doesn't have gendered pronouns, only gendered titles, so it shouldn't be a big deal. at the back of my mind, though, i always knew one set in english was deeply uncomfortable and wrong. i just didn't get to picking apart the reason why until much later.
might delete that last one, actually
the word 'freak' has been completely ruined for me by pseudo-progressive modern day puritans. i even avert my eyes when i see it used jokingly by people who are nowhere near that movement because the sight of it keeps bringing me back to the worst harassment-related memories
actually need to sleep at a decent hour because i'm finally taking my second shot tomorrow/today morning!
i can only take up to 30 mins of reddit per month
ever since their 3rd or 4th release i couldn't get through a full -t-- song
re: but i'm trying!!! by god i am trying
never thought i'd hear the word 'bamboozled' in a senate hearing
the pathologist in my head is way more effective than any generic self-loathing voice could ever be. when i get really ignored, for example, a generic self-loathing voice would say "they hate you they hate you they hate you" which is an assertion open to question. the pathologist, meanwhile, is always at least one step ahead of that, and would instead say "why are you so self-centered that you believe they think often enough and feel strongly enough about you to hate you? why do you think you deserve their attention in the first place? can you pinpoint when in your past you went wrong and set on the path to becoming like this?"
if the generic self-loathing voice was all i had, no pathologist, then i wouldn't be depressed—because it's so dumb and robotic and predictable. it only has the same few variations of "everyone hates you" as its answer to everything. it can easily be refuted with "no they don't" or "shut up you said that already."
but there's no easy comeback to the pathologist, who frames its assertions as premises so true and obvious they are used to prompt me into thinking on ITS terms. with the generic self-loathing voice, i know it's blowing a miniscule thing out of proportion. with the pathologist, everything feels like it all ties together as manifestations of what's really wrong with me deep down inside.
in a good way
they color me blue :(
more sugary than sugar :(
the less popular configuration... of an already niche thing... that will never stop being niche... because of reasons. pain
i will never understand key + click shortcuts like... you're so close to the point, just make it a key combo
i need to brush up on my japanese internet slang because i'm just always looking stuff up now. terms change quick
my bookmarks/likes is gonna be so useless after this because it'll just be full
never leaving this tag. saving everything in this tag. religiously following all updates to this tag. i've found my home
I HAVE IT. THE HOLY TAG
s-small ツ... of course... of course. old news: i'm stupid
come ON pixiv give me the top secret forbidden ---t-- --l content the government doesn't want me to see, i KNOW i have the right tags because the entire reason i learned katakana was to understand them!
it's probably obvious but today i've been binging on local news a little bit since i felt guilty for being disconnected for so long
i'm at a loss... bb pilipinas 2021 winner is a PERFECT "girlboss" archetype. she even served in the navy......
the liberal opposition is so weak it's sad. vp running for president isn't even a sure thing - she was pretty much forced to run for vp due to that whole thing with her husband and the party subsequently strong-arming her to take advantage of the wave of public support. and once elected, she spent most of her term fending off the president's supporters who hated her, fending off those cheating allegations, and being undermined by the cabinet and most everyone else. that gives her so little momentum, and it's just pathetic to watch it all play out. i keep wondering what the old rich backing lp are doing; they have the money and they've gotten the candidates they've wanted for so long, but they're just floundering now.
even if vp runs and wins (big if), she's just gonna be another cory. she'll act the part with mostly good intentions, while shit gets privatized and regulations loosen in the background, because at the end of the day, the liberal party is the liberal party.
knowing him, he still might change his mind about the vice president thing. i want to be a teeny bit relieved he's not running, but he's gone back on his word before and still has plenty of time to change his mind. it might all be a publicity play; he did that exact same thing for his presidential campaign. not to even mention how we still have to contend with his daughter :///
be proud of me, today i decided i'm NOT gonna give myself RSI
also my parents are old so for most of my life i was the strong one in the house who carried boxes or full laundry baskets or water jugs or garbage bags. i remember feeling ecstatic every time i helped my dad with something and he praised me, saying how strong his child was. i loved that. i also loved doing the stereotipical father-son activities with him even though it wasn't that often. teaching me to repair and clean my bike, teaching me how to fix things around the house, stuff like that. and to a lot of people those are probably completely gender neutral things but to young me they were a big deal
i didn't even have bad dysphoria as a kid. i lived pretty much genderlessly back then. subsisted on hand-me-down clothes from my many many many male cousins, short hair, unisex nickname, free to play however i wanted. it's just puberty that ruined all that
my watchlist is full and hasn't been touched in months
i can't write with the door closed
( ;; •___• )
why does spotify go to great lengths to remind me about the existence of reload's album cover after i've tried so hard to block it from my mind
i just worry about people. god wants you to stay safe. god wants you to stay healthy. god can hear your prayers at home. why would you endanger- sigh
inconvenient things about anxiety (1/?): no idea if the last time i went to the dentist and tried and failed to have a tooth removed was because of a panic attack or an allergic reaction to the type of anesthesia used. went well this time though and the dentist was unnerved by how i had zero reaction to the injections and pain in general
i don't like being under anesthesia. does anyone else have this near uncontrollable urge to mutilate yourself just because you can't feel it?
wanna know what anxiety feels like? (part 3/?): having a convo with a friend about a story idea that came to me in a dream and opening with "this probably isn't historically accurate but-"
still occasionally think of "the fratboys at ingolstadt" from that one frankenstein related post
( •___• ;; )
i kinda don't like o----- honestly •__•;;
(part ? of the name saga)
some unmistakably masculine names for consideration:
dio - greek god, rock legend, vampire. not super common (i've never met a dio irl), but easy and won't give anyone a hard time.
arthur - king, gentleman. classic. not that common in my country either, but i've met an arthur before.
tristan - knight. also the name of an important old friend. more common here than the previous two, but i've met a couple girls named tristan in school too, and that makes me hesitate.
something with a v - idk i just like the letter v. would i ever look like a vincent or a victor? maybe in 10 years...
claude - based on the nickname of a great-uncle. his used the spanish spelling (because of course it did) and ever since i was a kid i've liked his name. i also like my dad's name, but he'd never call me that.
add to these the laundry list of nicknames i've used in forums and social media over the years and i'm still nowhere close to deciding >.<
in two weeks i finally won't have to keep ticking my age on bios anymore, just put 25🡡 and be done with it forever
i've said this before but cleaning manga is 90% patience 10% problem solving. there are often little shortcuts, but for the bulk of it, it's really just the endless tedium of zoom, clone, make sure it looks right.
thought about typesetting all these pages absolutely littered with SFX. optimism gone
can't hurt to be a little optimistic!
speaking of IDs. one day i'll grow a beard and do the same thing as that one tumblr post and just say the little 'F' was a typo and they will also tell me "oh sorry sir, we'll fix that right away" ☺️
grrr i ALWAYS have trouble with IDs because i have neither a driver's license nor passport and philsys is taking too fucking long. like if they were gonna have an ID picker why not include all the most common IDs? comelec or BIR should BE THERE
i didn't even enjoy that overall since the point was so clearly to make fun of the girl and i found it a bit mean-spirited but just. that one scene.
why does that one old movie about this wife who could only cook fried eggs and had this scene where a supportive friend taught her to make ginisang monggo to surprise her husband and she did everything as instructed but due to the wording it didn't occur to her that she had to wait for the monggo to cook and therefore soften so when she served it to the three other people they all crunched on the raw monggo at the exact same time just. live in my head
remember that time i spent an hour cleaning out all the SFX from a page only to realize i didn't know what half of them meant so i just ended up keeping them all because translating half would just look ugly?
solved: english does not have a word for it. multiple words are needed. this is gonna be hell to typeset
@ manga i'm translating: I KNOW WHAT THIS WORD IS IN TAGALOG. THERE IS AN EXACT WORD FOR IT AND I KNOW IT. BUT I NEED THE ENGLISH WORD FOR IT AND NO MATTER WHAT TOOL I USE I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT
after trying and failing many times to perfect a chart using my strongest, most optimized cards, i randomly beat it using a mediocre, un-optimized set while i was just messing around. not funny, game :|
one of them somehow became a collaborator for my next translation project too <3
i made two friends today <3 what a wonderful feeling <3
present cause of exhaustion: seeing ooooooold far-right takes but covered in pastel bows and dipped and glitter and so many young people are falling for it.
re: creators ended up landing more on the mediocre side but i still occasionally think about the implications of mamika as a character
last thought just looks like petty senseless whining but twitter would take that so seriously. i can only say that here
just for the record i didn't even want that coldplay collab. i never wanted a coldplay collab. i was okay with their last cover since it was just them even though i could not care less for the original song. there's 3 months left in 2021 and all they've released are english tracks. not a word about an album or even ep (presumably to the relief of everyone else competing in mama), but i'm not even complaining about how long it's taking. i would honestly prefer they release nothing this year rather than an english-only album/ep. nj promised, he PROMISED they wouldn't cave to the pressure, and for the past almost 4 years they have kept that promise but now i'm getting worried. i don't want more western collabs, i don't want an english album, but it seems they've simply outgrown me as an audience member.
maybe if i grow a beard i can get away with long hair without being timepieced on sight
need to save this somewhere prominent so i can remind myself of how i work and prevent unnecessary future self-loathing over it lmao
lol buying this $15 pen tablet has been the fanciest and most unnecessary purchase of my year. so happy to have it though. (advanced) happy birthday to me :)
goddamn that was a stronger earthquake this time :/
re: fastidious:
i see. if that was the intent, tech-wise, then it makes perfect sense for everything to be in a single page. i was thinking in terms of blogs, but i quickly realized how complicated that can get.
update to this: they said they're okay. i'm so relieved :')
cont.: or even worse, spaces have become enveloped by this cloying fake-sweetness where you can just smell the smoke underneath. the moment you mess up, the candylike facade cracks, and before you know it, you've been burned by a searing hot metal brand
reading through some scanner's old tumblr blog to try and find their retranslation policy and i'm close to sobbing at all the nice asks and anons the owner used to get because the language and attitude and pure, free-spirited fandom fun all feel like they're from a completely different area. social media, at least the tiny portion of it i've experienced, has become a battleground. everyone has become so cautious, or combative if they've been burned before
xi-on's scarlet never fails to calm me down <3
if this ends up being a thing, i just realized i'd wanna set up some kind of search too for easy cross-referencing and if there will be that then i might as well have indexing with tags and— that isn't the point of this place, huh.
fervently sending support in hopes that yet another creator whose work i adore doesn't get bullied out of making the stuff they love. instantly accessible, aggregated harrassment is one hell of a drug
i wonder what it would take to implement pagination for thoughts.page. or is that just a bad idea from the get-go? the links system for individual thoughts would have to be changed, right?
the first manga i scanlated from start to finish is a perfect display of my pace for doing hobby projects:
start with a week of obsessive, nonstop work whenever i can grab a sliver of free time. set up the system for how i'll do things, and get out of the way all the repetitive preparation work to smooth out the rest of the process. 3/7 chapters completed (since it's just a single volume) and posted within days of each other.
spend the next week obsessively checking for and fixing mistakes. 4th chapter completed and posted with edits to previous chapters. same thing for the week after that, ending up with the 5th chapter posted.
while working on the 6th chapter, realize major mistake in my process and the decisions i made during the foundation phase and re-edit EVERYTHING. 6th chapter completed and posted with the edits two weeks after the last.
motivation steeply drops off. stop working on it for a whole month. revisit 7th chapter (more of an omake than anything) out of guilt a few times within that month but ultimately fail to work on it because there's some dialogue and narration i can't seem to grasp how to translate and ugh why bother, i'm stupid so i'll never be fluent in japanese anyway.
after over a month has passed, look at my todo list of future translations and be gripped with a desire to translate this new thing that is so potent and overpowering it fuels me into revisiting the first project and just powering through it with gritted teeth, finally understanding those difficult bits of text through sheer will. 7th chapter completed and posted with, since i couldn't resist, more edits to all the previous chapters.
all in all, it took me 10 weeks to do a single volume of manga.
feel blissful and accomplished for exactly five (5) minutes before opening up that new project i want to translate and subsequently sink into despair when i realize i'd have to clean a whole manga's worth of SFX again :')
wanna know what anxiety feels like? entering any significant correspondence i write into a readability calculator before i send it, and adjusting accordingly because i'm THAT afraid of being misunderstood
hisoutensoku STILL has one of the best game soundtracks out there!!
additionally yes, clicky switches are my favorite type of switches.
yes, i hate the sound of clicky spacebars.
yes i exist
yes, SA is my favorite keycap profile.
yes, i hate the sound of SA spacebars.
yes, people like me exist.
"wow, i didn't know you had a lot to say about this. how do you have such a developed opinion on it?" 1 year hyperfixation
my anxiety isn't "regular people's worries, but intensified to the point that it's disruptive." it's more like "worrying ONLY about the wrong things"
i am going to translate WHATEVER i want! provided i look at the dictionary every time i doubt myself which happens about once per 5 seconds
"you're good at this. ever considered being a marriage counselor?" thanks but i spent a decade distancing myself from the institution of marriage so now that i'm out there's no way i'm going back 😊
on one hand, quarantine has cured my alcohol problem and i haven't had a drop for 1 3/4 years but on the other hand, i haven't gotten my prescriptions for just as long which means no meds at all which means mood swings have had free reign 24/7
i'm never spending half a year's salary on a board whose only possible sound profiles are "so hollow you should've just bought a cheap prebuilt and modded it" or "finally got rid of the hollowness but now it's just an inferior jelly epoch"
sometimes i think "maybe i just need a girlfriend" but then remember i'm never gonna turn allo and what i really need is a support circle
the things people put in their spacebars smh
is the tape mod worth it? not for me <3
i don't want to say my voice "ruins the illusion" because it's not some kind of trick of the light. it's the truth. the voice is the illusory part.
just remembered i'll have to make a phone call today... ugh. i hate phone calls. voice calls in general suck with very few exceptions. i hate only being perceived through my voice. it's the one part of me that is the most misaligned. i can't lower it. i can't do anything to it unless i commit to the whole process, which is scary and expensive.
while agonizing over not being able to suss out what a subtle yet wordy character's narration means: "I HATE TRANSLATION"
after finally figuring it out: "DEAR GOD I LOVE TRANSLATION. MAYBE I CAN BE FLUENT?"
oh god... what if it's all that llsif that's making me type faster? since the way i play that game is basically the exact same way i type. cursed thought
i occasionally rewatch that video of the plushie playing proseka. it's theraputic
re: fastidious:
saw the pic and — ohh. i wasn't seeing that on my laptop either so i had no idea. thanks for the help! ^_^
nothing will ever top the experience of hearing perfect cherry blossom's soundtrack for the first time </3 wish i could wipe my memories of that game and play for the first time again but i'd probably die a lot since i'd lose the patterns i memorized :p
teddy park is a native level english speaker and his most frequent collaborators are also either native level or native speakers so i KNOW they can do better but the lyrics that get made for the girls always sound like strangely worded parodies of us pop-rap. especially the rap verses, those are like a fill-in-the-blanks grabbing from a word list generalized from chart-toppers of the past 5 years or so. it's hard to describe but these lyrics always put me off.
re: fastidious:
done. still doesn't look any different to me though. where does this show up?
re: fastidious:
oops. i know barely anything of html/css so i'm not entirely sure what that refers to? shifted some values but things don't look any different to me. i'm almost always on mobile though, so there could be something i'm not seeing.
i just want to reach through the screen and type on people's keyboards in sound tests. maybe this is the signal for me to go to my local mall tech store complex again lol. but i don't wanna be a public health hazard so i'll need to wait for restrictions to officially relax. i'm vaccinated, but that doesn't mean i can't spread it apparently so better be on the safe side
i LIKE the scratchy switches. i don't wanna lube their scratchiness away. this is why i like cherry reds, ESPECIALLY cherry silent reds since little sound remains but the scratch. i like the feel of some scratch too. i don't want that overlubed smoothness. there's something satisfying in the unrefined sound of a stock switch like silent reds. it's for this reason that silent blacks aren't as good, in my opinion
solitude right now is my biggest comfort. solitude forever is my biggest fear.
in other news, i long to build a keyboard that reminds me of the afternoon sky in my hometown <3
i've had so many names across the years and i still have never settled on one long term. but now that legally changing is finally on the table for me i think i have to meditate on this a while longer
one of the first things i did when i was still new to the internet was pick a name that sounded more like me. something neutral because back then i was still afraid to pick something masculine. but now i want something unmistakably masculine, something that registers as quick as a snap of a finger in people's minds and doesn't give them space to doubt
am i allowed to double up? triple up? some people have three names right? but since my surname and middle name are both long that'll just be a documentation nightmare. i can imagine making so many people's spreadsheets look ugly. i can imagine that thing happening where the spreadsheet cell cuts off part of the text in it and if someone's in a hurry they'd never even know a word was missing and i can already the inconsistent documents giving me trouble when i have to verify my identity somehow. one name it is. so hard to pick though
sounding out different names, all with significance, unable to pick a favorite :<
found this old thing while cleaning out my notes app and it made me chuckle. enjoy
youtuber: ok i'm gonna play touhouyoutuber: people say it's hard though so i'm scared!!!
youtuber: ok let's jump right in, lunatic mode
youtuber: i didn't look it up before downloading this so i'm going into it blind
youtuber: [[[plays a bullet hell shmup on the highest difficulty without learning the controls]]]
youtuber: OMG THIS IS SO HARD I KEEP DYING
youtuber: HOW DO I DODGE THE TIGHT BULLET PATTERNS
youtuber: this game is impossible. screw this i'm quitting
youtuber: i have no idea how people clear this game. must be sorcery
i can only hope it makes for good entertainment for people not familiar with the games?
happy to say that recently i've been on the path to regaining the typing speed i had in my teenage years! i think i peaked at ~110 wpm back then, but for the past few years i've only been averaging at 70-80. today, though, it seems i've climbed to the 90-95 range :D i still have yet to learn touch typing though :p i don't really look at the keys but i mostly use my index fingers still lol
re: rodeoflagellum's question about themes and fonts:
as someone with moderate nearsightedness and astigmatism, i can tell you that light-colored serif fonts on really dark backgrounds are noticeably blurrier for me at first glance, and i have to take a moment to really look at the text to know what it's saying. using a near approximation of black (#080808 or #111111) as opposed to a pure black background (#000000) usually helps with this, as does increasing your body text size. however, for dark text on a light background, #000000 is better.
if you're interested in webpage accessibility in general (which you seem to be), the w3c a pretty good resource about contrast here. i hope you find it helpful. they also point you to a tool for testing different foreground/background combinations to see if they may be inaccessible for some - very useful for web designers.
personally, and i can't speak for anyone else, i find monospace fonts the easiest to read and that's why i chose to use them in my own thoughts.page theme. my process for deciding how to style this page was mainly looking between my phone and laptop to see if it looks good on both since i use this site on my phone a lot. the colors, on the other hand, are purely an aesthetic choice - copying the keycaps of a mechanical keyboard i like very much :)
i'm never buying a keychron. with them it's always one little tradeoff after another until i've accumulated a pile of dealbreakers
oh never mind, that was the case a few days ago but now it's back. good to know i can obsessively tweak things 200 times again :)
for some reason, thoughts.page is not letting me edit my index.theme anymore :/
the joy of recognizing an artist whose art style you know from one platform, in another platform <3
it's amazing how much freer and safer i feel in places like this site and pixiv. so basically, places where i either get no engagement OR english isn't the dominant language. i can say what i want and express my love for things without worry of being targeted or anything nasty like that. it's such a pleasant experience to be left alone. japanese fandom in general has been very nice to me
why yes indeed, the color scheme of this page is meant to copy a certain keycap set i love very much <3
i'll never forget the first time i got to try buckling springs. they're still the standard
OBSESSED with this one reporter's tone on the news tonight. the way she said "a recent study has shown face shields have some effect in lowering transmission rates" was so disappointed it sounded more like "to our dismay, there's some evidence that face shields help"
i'd rather tread on the side of not enough foam than too much. sucks out all personality from a board
don't like o-rings either in most cases
if i was REALLY being honest, and did not have to worry about how long it would take to lube + film switches, my ideal layout would be a 96% compact with the numpad on the left. if someone, anyone, made a keyboard like that it would be a dream come true
what i really mean is... i want muse red and pale pink and aqours blue and white keycaps. with the modifiers having the girls' faces on them. and maybe the space could be a group photo. photos would of course have to be taken from LLSIF cards. i want the tackiest anime girl keyboard but i would still think it's the classiest
the prices for custom keycaps are honestly ridiculous. i wish there was some kind of standard for modding your keycaps after getting them. stickers? and don't even get me started on artisan keycaps. expensive, inaccessible, doesn't ship to my region and if they did the shipping prices would be MORE THAN THE PRICE OF THE THING. madness
do not understand the appeal of coiled cables. i hate them for my headphones and i hate them for my keyboard. i hate them everywhere. i WILL heat up the wires to straighten one out, every single time. braided cables on the other hand should be the standard by now
the last time i loved something, was truly head over heels invested and inspired to gush and share and create my own things, i had a dream that probably lasted a few minutes in real time but to me felt like many many many long hours. what i dreamed up was a detailed youtube-style documentary, hosted by myself, in which i went into excruciating detail about everything wrong with that thing i loved. all the knowledge i had accrued over the course of this past several-months-long hyperfixation --- spit back in my face and used to prove that i was disgusting and irredeemable for daring to regard that thing with anything other than disgust and condemnation.
i think that's the reason why i don't really care about what other people say. the obsession around other people being my "haters" doesn't much make sense to me because there is nothing they could ever EVER say that would match the sheer in depth, methodical vitriol that only my own dreams could muster. insults from others don't mean much because they can't even fathom the extent of what i know is wrong with me. what only i can know is wrong with me.
so i'm a little more cautious about loving things now. not because i fear what other people might think. no, it's because i sometimes live in fear of having a dream like that again.
i'm so good at compartmentalizing that each online space i occupy displays an irreconcilably different fragment of myself compared to every other space. and in each space, i act as if every other space doesn't exist, always a different identity. look at this page, everything's about keyboards. i seem like a whole person with consistent interests and concerns, don't i? but sometimes something slips through the cracks and i wonder if this is healthy.
against my better judgment i keep watching sound test and in this one video i just... please... no matter where you are i will personally come to your house and clean your keyboard. box jades do not deserve to be treated like that
(sees u4 silents in stock)
"oh sweet, i'd love to get some. i can't right now though, but i'm sure soon-"
(u4 silents sold out)
"damn ok, maybe i'll get a regular tactile after all-"
(u4 silents back in stock)
"wait really? aw but this listing is pretty overpriced-"
(u4 silents sold out again)
// repeat 17x
getting an rk68 where i'm from is basically a lottery because on one hand i might win at life and be given gat reds but on the other hand i might end up with outemu blues... i love it here, third world quality is having my local big ecommerce sites have zero guarantee on what switches i'll get exactly
(before first experience lubing switches)
"96% compact is endgame!"
(after first experience lubing switches)
"65% is endgame!"
i will NEVER let go of my laptop I/O. you can pry it from my cold dead hands
the pursuit of thinness is never worth it
i will never understand the appeal of low profile switches. you escaped laptop keyboards, you got out of that cage. WHY would you want to recreate it
zero flex is the way, i don't care
to truly stress this point once and for all- i would take stock gat yellows over the very specific fuck-up of making them marble-y via tuning. i would take stock nk creams at their scratchiest over a marble-y configuration. and the "spray paint can" holy pandas... are on thin fucking ice (except the spacebar, i love that spacebar)
just remembered this but- s76 offering the launch keyboard with box jades as the default switch is the epitome of taste. if only it wasn't horribly expensive
one time i got REALLY lucky and caught a niz plum 68 at a mall tech store for some reason. to this day i still have no idea how they got one of those and why in god's name they were displayed half a shelf away from r*zers. i got to try typing on them and while i'm iffy on the sound (especially the spacebar, always with the spacebar), they felt wonderful. i ended up not buying them because i didn't have the money at the time, but man do i think about that day a lot. especially now that i'm in a less tight spot financially, but when i check online, this board is nowhere to be found in any store that ships for reasonable prices in my region.
second to last post was mostly a joke... it is honestly an achievement to be able to make gat milky yellows sound marble-y. (that is why i like them so much in the first place!) yet some people still manage the near implausible and ruin one of the best value linears out there. sigh
the worst thing about having online shopping be the only option is i CANNOT know how thick [clones of popular expensive keycaps sets] are. and the ONE THING these keycap set clone makers most often skimp on is thickness, which is the only thing i'm after
gat milky yellows my beloved... i won't lube you the same way a lot of highly opinionated redditors and youtubers do... i won't make you sound marble-y at all... i will make you sound perfect... come here i'll treat you how you deserve to be treated
i'm actually not into the empty space on full size boards, tkl boards and even 75% boards like the gmmk pro (though i have to admit the gmmk pro does this better than most others). some 65% do this too which is just like why... the entire point is to be compact, those gaps to separate some keys are just ugly
fantasizing i could afford to build a foamless tofu 65 with momoka frog switches, genuine durock stabs, and those dye sub xda matcha keycaps (the version with the hiragana legends of course). frogs actually seem pretty nice stock and are one of the few linears i like but i'd put a thinner lube if i had the patience for it
OH diamond linears are another marble-y one in a lot of configurations i've heard. however, there have also been a couple where they didn't sound like that at all and i actually liked the sound
no matter how many sound tests i listen to, i cannot see the appeal of zykos and a lot of its "clones." they have this almost marble-y sound that i can't stand, especially at the start of the upstroke. there's this brief high pitched fragment of sound that's similar to what you get by knocking two marbles together. i've always hated that sound when playing marbles as a kid. the board and keycaps probably play a larger role, and indeed i've heard some linears that sound like this as well, but the worst offenders were configurations with zykos, holy pandas, and akko CS switches.
i realized this mech thing might be getting out of hand when i was changing a lot of my WM shortcuts to stop depending on the function keys so that i could feasibly use a 65%
why is it always the switches i don't like the feel of that have the best sounding spacebars 😭
the tofu really is made to make linears in low profile keycaps pop, especially if you go all out with the dampening. if you expended the money, time, and effort to make heavy tactiles in high profile caps sound good on a tofu, i admire your dedication and will — but i feel like this board tolerates tactiles at best. the linear people are so lucky.
clicky SA spacebars never sound good, which pains me because i love clickies and SA is my preferred profile
i go to mechanical keyboard youtube
i reassure people about their switch choices, but criticize their spacebars
i leave
that's all, folks!
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